perditus-a-um

[perditus-a-um]

Also on the floor is my work bag.

Full of vitamins & supplements & prescriptions.

Things I pray and hope will help my mind every single day & still feel no different.

& a bag of the one thing that does keep my mind off of things temporarily.

My nanny’s gardening gloves she loaned me because my car lost heat in November & we’ve had snow the past two weeks.

It’s the only thing that keeps me going in the morning to work, to at least have some part of me super warm.

Next to my drawing pad are my sorted binders of pokemon cards, each by type obviously.. a very expensive habit that I have to be in and out of.. but brings me comfort after work when I get depressed and too deep in my thoughts so I just sort them.

Then when they’re sorted..

on another day I feel too overwhelmed..

sort them again in a different way.

& alas!! My new hats I’ve bought last year, still with tags on that I wanted to wear when I felt cute during this past fall…..

Tags never came off & they never came off the hooks

My dirty clothes.. we don’t have a washer or dryer so I wear the same ones over and over until I can wash them.. regardless of how many others I have.

My vanilla candle.. & the poor thing is never bright.

It’s the dullest candle I’ve ever had but it smells like vanilla

On my bed is my computer. Used to drown myself in this thing when I was happy & a teenager, however *you* broke a few keys I still haven’t fixed when *you* got mad that one night when *you* thought I was leaving…

Remember?

One of the many nights that you took my phone & had either smashed or hid it… took my car keys and you were scared I was messaging friends on Facebook to come pick me up because that was my only way of communicating to people.. and I was..

So *you* threw my laptop..

One of the many things *you* destroyed.

No remorse from you.

Just those dark hollow eyes. Your nasty words that spit off of your tongue & your thrill to eliminate anything in your view path…

But also fuck it.. in the same sense.

Thankfully it still works, but for how long?

[perditus-a-um]

28, Jan 2025

Here is my life.

Here I stay at my Nanny’s. I love her to death. However, I’ve been living a life that I hate living and can’t seem to get out of.

What is pictured above is my closet.

Everyday I see one of the items of clothing pouring out of the gloomy, dull tubs that I’ve tugged around with me over 600 miles is my mom’s full throttle shirt, she wore when we had our competition cheer tournaments when I was younger.

It’s big for me but I keep it for her.

I see my flowery peachy dress I wore just for *you* because it made my bust look good.. I knew *your* eyes weren’t going anywhere..

Also adding the shorts *you* loved that I wore around the house

And the blue shirt that I loved because my mom always said my eyes popped when I had school photos as a child.

Oh hey! Another part of my room…

My box of watercolor markers & a drawing pad I’ve had for 4 years and have maybe drawn two full photos in.

I used to love drawing when I was younger.

Everytime I try now it just lies there.