peridotthesoft

[peridotthesoft]

I need to sit by the sea for 3 hours alone until then i’ll be miserable

[peridotthesoft]

[peridotthesoft]

[peridotthesoft]

i love lesbians. i went to get drinks with a masc who had sent me pictures of her hanging drywall. she confirmed over text that she was sending these to torture me. in person, she was so nervous her hands were trembling. she had to repeat her order twice because she was so quiet. she shakily asked for a hug at the end of the night, the way oliver twist asks for porridge. and then i got home and she sent me a picture of her just in a toolbelt, accompanied by one of the smuttiest text messages i've ever read. meanwhile when i called her to schedule the next date, she had to stop and say, "i'm so sorry i'm so nervous i'm out of breath." just. the whiplash of it all. godbless you every lesbian

[peridotthesoft]

I love when a character wants to be someone's dog so so bad. Dont mean it in a sexual way (although that can also be a part of it) I mean like. Let me be your loyal companion let me stay by your side give me a purpose in exchange for endless unconditional love let me stop being a person love me like it's my only use. Love me like that's the only thing I was made for. As you can tell. I'm normal.

[peridotthesoft]

I have no passion. I have no will. I have no discipline. I have no drive. I have nothing.

[peridotthesoft]

If I had a normal relationship with food and alcohol and drugs and sex and sexuality and money. Then I would probably feel a lot better

[peridotthesoft]

I've been horny. Obviously just in my abstract ways

[peridotthesoft]

i cld never shave bush not just bc im morally opposed to it but also bc what would i play with when im lying in bed thinking…a bush is the beard of the modern day philosopher

[peridotthesoft]

Characters who were raised by wolves but somehow still learn how to speak and act human despite of having spent the key developing years without human contact are both unrealistic and frankly kind of boring and overdone by now. Imagine a character team where one of them is a (somewhat) realistic raised-by-wildlife grown feral child, and the other one is essentially a glorified handler, who manages all the people-business for both of them.

And the companion is the only other human person that the feral one trusts in any way at all. Better yet, make them clearly be romantically involved with each other. Like

"Wait, she's your wife? ...Uh, with all due respect, but can she like... Can she even consent?" "Look lad. I respect you being worried for her welfare and for being direct about that instead of circlin' around so I'm gonna be straight about it right back at you: She's bigger than me, stronger than me, and frankly, I don't think she spent much time wondering whether I'm consenting."

[peridotthesoft]

people without any whimsy scare me. why are you like that. where are your trinkets.

[peridotthesoft]

Every bus stop should be right next to a 24hr takeaway and chips an cheese should cost. £1. And so should the bus. And I should get kissed with tongue also

[peridotthesoft]

they posted a full version lol it’s mr Stacy’s dad for me

[peridotthesoft]

jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

[peridotthesoft]

Full disclosure, this post contains explicit sexual language. This is a post where I consider my sexuality, wants and needs.

Content warnings: discussion of sexuality, sex, kink, disability, negative self-esteem talk, explicit language, an obscene amount of commas and question marks.

I’m completely unsure about how I identify sexually. In years past I’ve flip-flopped along the entire spectrum of sexual desire like a fish stuck on land.

The idea of fucking makes me nervous. What if I’m not good at it? Am I fit enough for a satisfying lay? Am I attractive enough to maintain a partner's attention? How do I explain that I’m probably not going to cum?

I don’t have a lot of experience under my belt. Whilst I may be an enthusiastic self-abuser, to a degree that could revive and kill Will Kellogg and Sylvester Graham all over again, I don’t find myself fantasising about having sex with specific people at all. When I do think about sex with another person, it’s usually a shadowy figure and the emphasis of the fantasies are usually kink specific.

I want to have sex with people. I want to want to have sex with people. I find people attractive all the time, people I know in real life, celebrities, hot cartoons, you name it. But I always fall short at the idea of actually doing the boink with them. Thinking about someone getting off, nah, removing myself from the equation, yah. Thinking about scenarios where two or more attractive people get off together and I’m in the same room? Still hot. Thinking about getting involved and actively participating in the fucking? Sounds honestly a little boring. And tiring. And sticky.

I have a delightful concoction of disabilities; physical, mental, emotional and intellectual. I have been on medication known to suppress sex drive for well over a decade. I was a horny teenager before I was a medicated adult and I do wonder if underneath the pills, I might be an allosexual person. But the idea of parting with my medication or trying a new one terrifies me to my core. My current meds have proven to keep me ticking over, what if something went wrong if I changed them? The second guessing keeps me up at night. Am I who I really am? Could I be dating more or in a relationship if I was more sex driven?

The few times I have hooked up or dated people, the thing I get most excited about is kink. I want to bulldoze into a new relationship with buckets of wild and weird things and none of those things usually involve a fuck. They’re often about me being ignored, inanimate or put to a task. How on earth am I supposed to talk about that with someone I’m interested in? “Yeah, hi, you’re cute. I don’t want to fuck you though. I do want you to dress me up like a doll though. Or have me watch as you fuck someone else, not in a cuck way, more because it’s visually interesting. You know, normal stuff.”

In writing this I think I’ve realised I am in fact asexual. I’m not completely sex-repulsed, there are times I’m fine with getting down and dirty but mostly it just doesn’t appeal in the same way kink and play does. I don't mind smooching. I quite like physical closeness. I like touching. I don't like getting fucked or fucking anyone.

I think that’s it. I want to play with people. Forget laying back and wondering how long I should let someone lick me before pretending to get off. I want someone to play with, be a bit silly, a bit serious with.

I don’t know how I feel about it. I know intellectually there is absolutely nothing wrong with being asexual. I have no negative feelings towards other people I’ve met over the years who are ace. But it makes me feel insecure. If I really am ace it feels like yet another asterix to the complicated mess of being that I am. It feels like another barrier to finding and keeping connections with other folks. My self esteem is somewhat infamously low and I have been on record in the past stating that my only positive trait is that I am quite fuckable. What do I have left if I take sex away, what is left to desire? Should I make a fucking zine to hand to future interested partners with a map detailing each and every one of my excentricities so they know what kind of nonsense they would be getting involved with? I feel like I’m trying myself up in mental knots.

A somber finishing point but that’s where my head is at. I’m a gloomy kind of guy and I do my introspection externally and then dump it on the internet somewhere. There’s a whole other post coming in the future about that. I’m unsure what my next move is, how to process and feel better or more positive about this thought journey I’m on.

[peridotthesoft]

oh ok

[peridotthesoft]

I see a lot of ‘cis’ women say they wish they were androgynous in the way men were or they wish they were pretty in the way men were. This is your sign to go try to do that. You may find you enjoy being an androgynous woman. You may find you no longer identify as a woman. You may find you don’t like androgyny. You will not know until you try. Cut your hair if you’ve always wanted to but have been afraid to. Shop in the men’s section if you’ve been too nervous to. Wear clothing with an androgynous  silhouette. Experiment with binding, take baby steps with compression bras if you want. Wear unisex scents. Live life. Try things you want to try. A lot of cis women do not understand the joys of mens pants and mens deodorant. I think everyone should try both of those things.