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[phatpretty]

Imagine

Imagine life without me! Would you be sad? Would you hurt?

Imagine hurting me? And I don’t react! Just imagine! Imagine me never saying another word! Imagine me expressing myself and feeling unheard or put to the side! Imagine me doing you the same! Imagine!!!!!

[phatpretty]

Asking for too much

Maybe im asking for too much! Or maybe the wrong person! Took me all the way to Jackson to seat in the car while you worked a eight hour shift and then you wonder why I’m in the mood I’m in! Well let’s start by, me asking if she wanted to go to Walmart with me! No I don’t feel like it! Then you want to feel all on me like I’m a piece of meat! Then kiss me all in my mouth like I’m suppose to like it! We just got back and you can’t simply spend the rest of the day with me, god forbid no you gotta go see your ex her kids your so called friend ect! Yeah I’m asking the wrong person for the things I want but imma start giving them to myself! Cause what I ask for is the bare minimum! Nothing over the top! Just to spend the rest of the day that’s it that’s all! I sat in a car with no communication from you all day other then you bringing me food! You got off late as hell to might I add! And you expect me to be ok! Never, so imma start treating this relationship like what it looks like just sex that’s it that’s all! Starting today! If that’s all you want that’s how we gone play it cause the love you claim you have it nonexisting! I just realized that I’m not worthy of a relationship I’m only good for head and sex so after tonight I don’t want to be touched in that manner again! Ever!!!!!! I’m worth more than sex I’m human who desires love time loyalty honesty respect attention all around genuine love! All I’ve ever reserved is sex! Im honestly disgusted with myself right now! I want to die! I really want to blow my own head off because no one wants to love me properly! They just want to fuck me. I’m completely dead inside right now In this very moment!

[phatpretty]

10/05/22

Lyssa girl……this day. I tell you what it was the day I woke the hell up and started not to give a damn! On this day I founded a plate in my fridge that she brought into my home from someone else’s home and then lied and said she’s only had two slices of pizza! 🤣🤣🤣🤣I mean did she think I wasn’t going to look! I mean does she think I’m slow and she’s playing on my top! I hope not cause I’m really not one of them! Im reall that bitch! And she’s about to see it first hand! This state of depression she’s in she can have it i don’t want it! I’ve been in that state before and it’s not a health place!

[phatpretty]

Over it

I’m over it Completely over it. I am not a Bank of America. I am not to be you. I am not to be played with. Somebody’s mood change when things are not going their way. I will not be in this cycle of unhappiness. I will not be in the cycle of spending money that I don’t have. I am not doing the back-and-forth. I am not doing the back-and-forth of emotions. These are things that I will no longer allowed in my life right now. I have been on emotional roller coaster for four months when the monies flowing everything is good when the money is not Flowing it’s not good. If you are alive in above ground and get a breath in your body, you are wealthy if you were able to get up and go to a job every day and you have a you have a dream go chase it cause nobody control your dreams Are your destiny but you. She has a clothing line that she wants to get off the ground that has a moved on it. Every time she gets paid she wants to eat eat eat eat eat instead of buying groceries by the lunchbox and packing her lunch again I am not a Bank of America that shit stop today. how to sadness and out of there and I don’t have time for because she was happy when I asked when you was wanting to go to Zaxby’s then I told you I didn’t have no money and you have a mood changed. I’m sorry to tell you I’m not eating out but once a week and if you don’t understand that I’m trying to teach you how to save money I don’t know what to tell you because every time you turn around you don’t have to be spending money on food when you have food at home.

[phatpretty]

9-21-22

Nicole, stand up straight stop fidgeting, you are a voice in the world and you deserve to be heard! Stop letting people over stay there welcome and cross your boundaries! Nicole, stop and stand up straight and use that voice! Never allow anyone to come in and make you lose focus!

[phatpretty]

THINGS I WILL NOT ALLOW IN MY NEXT RELATIONSHIP!

1. The lack of love, given or shown!

2. The lack of sex when and where it is had

3. Dealing with the ex and there ex’s kids!

4. Communicating with the ex on any level

5. Consistency

6. Making plans for dates time spent together other then in a mf bed

7. Allow a mf to live in my home and then just throw me away

[phatpretty]

Letters to Lyssa

9-4-22

Hey evil twin! I’m writing you these letter that you will not see until I’m gone! Hope this gives you a insight on hope depressed your sister really was but I smiled like my world was amazing! I hope you turn this into a book and collect all the funds and live your best damn life! Tell no one of this until after it’s published! This book is to teach not only you but the world to never hold anything in and to find a safe place to vent and not get judged! I hope this doesn’t make you sad nor upset! I hope this book reaches the world because even On my good days I was still in my head searching for the right words to say how to truly feel and how to smile!

[phatpretty]

Letters to Lyssa

9-05-22

Today is not my day! I’m physically sick, sick of everything around me! How did it get here? How did I leave? I Blame myself? For falling for someone! I literally build these fairytale romances in my mind only for them to turn out nothing like how I imagined them! I tell you what you better not ever dream up shit with them Niggas cause baby it ain’t going to be what you want! But I’m sure you know that by now! Sister I should have listened but it’s all a lesson learned! That holding on to someone it’s healthy for anyone! Especially, when neither party wants to let go! Just another day in a Unhappy world!

[phatpretty]

Childhood!

9-04-22

I don’t know the ages but I know my childhood was one for the history book! I watched my mom and step dad fight all the time! Only to grow up and marry someone just like my step dad! I was from house to house because my mom worked a lot! I spent most of my childhood in my grandmothers house! If not, I was at my favorite aunts house (who later dies and I was empty from that point on). Don’t get me wrong I had fun had friends if that’s what you want to call them! Not to many sleep over not to many parties! The hard truth I grow up in chaos! Complete chaos!!!! From the fighting to living in complete fear of the unknown! I carried all of this into my adult life! I’ve carried so much from my childhood into my now I’m slowly trying to sort through it all!

[phatpretty]

Letters to Lyssa💚

9-04-22

Where do I being? What do I say? If you’re reading this I’m in heaven! But let me explain. My life wasn’t what everyone thought I was! I fought silent battles that no one knew about! Where the world thought I was this amazing person! I was this shell of a human trying to live and educate the world on how to live and be mental free when I was trapped in my own mind! Where the world saw me as this beautiful amazing person, I thought I was this ugly human who was unloveable aggressive mean fake (but only to those who played in my damn face) and boy was there a lot of those people! I feel in love with anyone and somehow ruined it with my actions mouth and mind! This all comes from my childhood! I wasn’t given much attention often left to feel hurt heartbroken discouraged and crying alone! Only to grow up and isolate myself for months on end. Yeah I carried on conversation and had great words of wisdom but I was dying inside while people never once asked me “how are you doing?” And Truly meant it! I was the one who checked on everybody would drop my plans to do what others wanted just to make them happy! I tell you this because when you get my age our if your surpassed it know this people pleasing will drain you! Rob you of the beautiful things in life! Trying to make sure everybody is ok will kill! My motto to this is “check on you, because no one else will!”

[phatpretty]

I’m done!!!

It’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel like giving up! And I mean giving up on this situationship! How does one person play with someone’s feelings and just be ok with it! How does one person say they love you and deep down you feel like they don’t mean it. Like right now, she’s sitting here biting her lip when she does that she’s done something or something has happen! Like why do I get played? Like why am I the one who doesn’t get treated properly? What’s wrong with me?

[phatpretty]

Dear God!!!!!

I’m tired. I’m hurting! I just want to get off this ride! No one knows how to love correctly! No one knows how to understand correctly. Communicate correctly! Nothing! God I’m tired! I ask that you remove anything that means me know good! Remove it all I will not stand in your way! I surrender! God I’m tired! I’m done I’m ready to have my peace back! I’m ready to have my life back me back! God, 🗣I SURRENDER! Remove it all god and I do mean all! Give me peace of mind and peace in my heart that I will be ok! Let me know that all I need in every moment is you! Help heal me of all things that have hurt me and that are hindering me!

[phatpretty]

Respect

The lack of respect that she shows me now, is fucking unbelievable! Thursday was the day! My grandmother got sick so that lead to me having a bad day and me and her getting into it! I said, that I needed a REAL mf on my team. She got in her feelings! I drove to Jamille the realest mf on my team! She LISTENED to me and Gave me a hug a pray! She gets off work comes in my house says nothing! 🤯 if you know me then you know I have a lot to say when I’m mad! So I said enough to make her leave! But she’s been back 🤦🏾‍♀️but in this moment she’s in my room taking my her hair done and throwing it in the floor! Like she lives here! And keeps telling me imma get “boo”! Listen one thing I know is she really doesn’t want to be here! She’s showed me today that she has no respect for me! Came to my job driving get ex’s car to buy a tv! A tv that could have been put in her car! Yeah In that moment she showed me that it’s nothing worth right fighting for! It’s nothing worth working on! Worked all day and called only once! It’s the level of respect that is not given! It’s the level of common sense! The fact that what she f does I’m suppose to be ok with! But if it was me it would cause major hell! I now have to find my level of self respect! Cause clearly this ain’t it!

[phatpretty]

Why am i not

Why am I good enough to lay up with fuck on use! But I’m not good enough to be in a relationship with?

[phatpretty]

July 28, 2022

Set intentions

I am move productive at work

I am more loving to myself

I am more loving to others

I am back on my fitness journey

I am no longer a smoker

I already have the most amazing epic love story of my entire life

He is everything I have ever asked for

I am already a millionaire

All my debt is already paid off

I have all the busy and more coming in the salon

We are over flowing with money and clients at the salon

I have already releasing all the things that no longer serve me

I have already released the people who are only here to take from me

I have already released the people who don’t help me grow

I have already released all the negative things that have held me back

[phatpretty]

Lost myself….

Bitch you have been slacking in the damn gym you have been slacking on your self love journey! Baby it’s time to get back on it. Because you gotta LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF YOU! Because at the end of the day somebody is going to come Up short in loving you how you want to be loved! Sis put the flag down and do you! And I mean do you like you was doing you! Stop putting everybody before you! If the answer is NO well damn it let it be mf NO!!! Make your own damn memories! Stop being so damn available to her and anybody else for that matter. Get dolled up and love you some you! Cause there is no need for you to be in this much pain! Love doesn’t come from someone else it first comes from you. It’s starts with you! Anybody else is just an added bonus to what you already giving yourself! So NICOLE….. stop waiting on her to love you! Love your damn self! Get off your ass and get dolled up and love the fuck out of yourself! There is no reason why you shouldn’t!

[phatpretty]

Mentally

Mentally I’m all over the place! I’ve always felt these feelings and I try to fight them! I try to push them down and not feel them! But I can’t shake the feeling that since I shut the fuck up and started listening, that this is all a game to her! That I’m just something for her to do! A place to come and fuck eat good and sleep! I don’t like this feeling! Like she’s a master manipulator! Like when she’s founded out she tries to shut down like last night! She showed me a picture of all the things she got for Christmas and another female brought her some shoes mind you she was with derreshia……like I called her out on it! Now I look at her different. Like I don’t trust her words anymore I don’t know if I can trust her touch what she claims she feels! Like I feel like my heart is breaking in my chest like the world is about to come crashing down around me! Keep in mind I’ve been single for nine years! Then One minute it’s her ex knows about is then it’s she has no clue like which one is it! Like are you embarrassed too? Are you saving her feelings! Like am I looking like a fool? It’s so many questions running through my head right now! One minute you wanna protect me love me give me a safe place to communicate like what is it REALLY!!!!!????? I’m not in the business of saving no hoes feelings I’m not in the business of being hidden! I’ve played those roles before! I be damn I play them again! I be damn my feeling are pulled on string! We go from talking all day to talking every now and then! To half the damn job speaking on me you name it it’s going on! But I have so many questions in me right now! Like I’m about to pull back and let her feel how I’ve been feeling inside! I’m more than sex! I am a beautiful amazing talented black boss as woman. Like why am I the one that’s always being done wrong! Taken advantage of! Is my heart to big! To I love to hard and to fast? Am I really co dependent? I can say abandonment issues because I’ve been ghosted left heart broken and alone and I kinda feel like that’s where I’m headed. Like I know I’m not the problem but I know what the fuck I want in a partner! I keep coming up short! Literally……like they can have everything but come up short on something! She says shit and sometimes forgets she says them! Then I have to remind her, oh wait but you said, this…..like if you trying to friend zone me baby do it already! Cause I’m not the one to play with! And the fact that she’s so comfortable with hanging the damn phone up on me blows my damn mind. Like you know your battery is low as fuck put in on the charger. Like I’m a firm believer in people know what the hell they be doing and it’s either on purpose or accident but I’m starting to think this shit is on purpose.