phillipcole

[phillipcole]

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 5

Colbert: (Standing with Dr. Zamanski and attendants) Welcome back to the final segment of tonight's show. We are now down to the final moments before we pull the plug on Phillip the Boston intellectual. Once again this is Dr. Noah Zamanski standing by to pull the plug. Dr. Zamanski can you explain the devices here and what you're about to do?

Zamanski: Certainly; this of course is the heart monitor, indicating that the patient has a slow but steady heartbeat even now. This other device is a brain wave monitor. Periodically we turn it on to indicate whether the patient's brain is still functioning. As you can see, these tiny flickers indicate that brain activity is continuing at the expected rate for a patient in his condition. The intravenous flow is continuing, providing just enough fluid to keep the blood flowing and the organs functioning. You can't see the end of it, for privacy reasons, but this catheter is draining the little bit of fluid that is going through the digestive tract, because normal renal function is impossible for a patient in his condition. This device is the respirator, providing a direct even flow of oxygen. So far the patient's lungs are continuing to expand and contract normally. The device I'm about to disconnect is this one. Since early in the present coma our patient has been getting a small electric shock at regular intervals to guarantee that his heart continues to beat.

Colbert: And , after we pull the plug, will the patient immediately...pass away.

Zamanski: I wouldn't expect that, no. It is not at all unusual for a comatose patient to survive for several weeks after the life saving devices are removed.

Colbert: Thank you dr. There's one more question. If this was your patient, would you advise the family to pull the plug?

Zamanski: Actually, I would not. Except for his unusual medical condition this is a relatively healthy older man who could, should we be able to overcome his major illness, revive to nearly full functionality.

Colbert: Thank you dr. We are now down to the last minute before we pull the plug. Phil, do you have any final comments?

PBC: Ummm...for all the people who contributed to the situation...the words of Charlton Heston come to mind.

Colbert: Thank you Phil, strong sentiments indeed. Now the countdown: 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0.

(Dr. Zamanski pulls the plug.)

Colbert: We'll be on vacation the next 2 weeks. Normal programming resumes on June 16. See you then.

[phillipcole]

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 4

Colbert: Welcome back to the Late Show, and now Phillip and Cole's Variety Team explain why Calvin Klein is not the last name on Phillip's sick list.

PBC: Thank you. The rest of the team is not with me tonight, because my wife didn't make enough bullet-proof suits. They sent their comments though. First of all, I, phil Cole, appreciate the people who thought Calvin Klein might be the last name on Phillip's sick list. It was a more cerebral guess than most because my wife is a fashion designer, therefore we are several million dollars poorer than we might have been if Calvin Klein had chosen another field of work. Therefore I dislike him. Phillip however was never too concerned about the profit or loss statements of my wife's business, just as long as we weren't trying to borrow any money from him. He did however have an objection to Calvin Klein. It's because so much of his wealth came from designer blue jeans. Phillip said that was the equivalent of a singer getting rich by singing Oh Susannah in a different key...mmmmmp. Cole, the Nashville rapper wrote, I quote:

Cole: I don't like Calvin Klein on accounta he ain't never used one of my rap songs during a runway show.

PBC: Unquote; neither has my wife. Cole's cousin Brad is a hillbilly. He writes:

Brad: I don't like Calvin Klein on accounta he's gay, and Jewish and lives in one of them northern cities, but he's still got the gaul to design blue jeans. Only us good ole boys from the south and west should be allowed to design blue jeans.

PBC: umm...umm...mmmmmp sorry. Ford is Brad's older brother. He's a retired judge in Tennessee. He...wrote his response in Latin. I guess he figures with Phillip gone he'll be the smart one on the team now. umm, umm,...

Ford: Non probabo Calvin Klein quod eius multae societates, diversis nominibus in variis terris mundi operantes et a forma ambiguo continenter moderatis, induxerunt nodum rerum quod fere impossibile facit quovis iudicio contra societatem per systema curiae exsequi.

PBC: I don't know what that means, but it must be funny. All the pharmacists are laughing. Norbert Adams, the unluckiest man in the world until he won a Grammy a few months ago...writes:

Norbert: I-I-I d-d-don't li-li-li-like C-C-C-Calvin Kl-Kl-Klein because he's he's he's he's he's g-g-g-gay and and and he m-m-m-m-married 2 women anyway heh heh heh, decreasing m-m-m-my ch-ch-chances heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

PBC: Mmmmmp...I wonder why he had to write the studder in the note...The...uh...the sicker I get, the sicker he gets. Now the Ranting old Man passed away almost 2 years ago now, but before he died he left quite a collection of jokes and comments for such a time as this. Don't forget he was only in his 60s when Calvin Klein exploded to fame. I haven't looked at this. It's a little long. I won't read it all. He says he doesn't like women wearing blue jeans. He wants to see as much leg as possible. Then he tells a story...oh...I didn't know this. After his second wife died...1991 I think, he met a woman wearing designer jeans, and...when he got her pants off, the sight of what was underneath made him gag. Ever since then all his first dates were at the beach. So, none of us like the man, but Calvin Klein was not the last name on Phillip's sick list.

Colbert: Don't go away. We'll be pulling the plug on Phillip right after this.

[phillipcole]

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 3

Colbert: Welcome back. We've been talking to Phil Cole now as we have reached the final half hour before we pull the plug supporting his sick colleague Phillip the Boston intellectual. Previously we showed you some clips from Phillip's comedy performances. We now show you-for the first time on television in 11 years-the first audition of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team.

(They show it, as posted previously, from when Cole said, "Donald Trump" until he said, "There's 2 more names on the list", omitting only the name and reaction to O. J. Simpson.)

Colbert: That got the team on America's Got Talent. Just a year later however, Phillip's symptoms of Trumpitis went into high gear and he was very sick when the 2016 election approached. Then on November 7, 2016, the eve of the election, former Attorney General Janet Reno passed away and we learned that she was one of the last 2 names on the list. Since then, speculation about who the last name might be has been widespread with massive numbers of bets and a monthly set of updates on who the top living suspects were. Here on the Colbert Show we have earned the privilege of eliminating suspects every time Phillip and Cole's Variety Team appears. First let's take a look once again at the original list. That's a diverse rogues' gallery if there ever was one. In the audience tonight we have some of the people on the list, right there in the front row: Glenn Beck, Lady Gaga, Kim and Khloe Kardashian and a charter member of the list of celebrities that make Phillip sick: Howard Stern.

PBC: Vultures!

Colbert: Now let's take a look at some of the performances in which Phil and his colleagues eliminated a suspect, all on this show.

(They show several clips as posted previously.)

Colbert: And in the audience with us tonight are 2 of those persons who do not make Phillip sick: David Letterman and Charlie Sheen.

PBC: Vultures!

Colbert: Now Phil, every time you visit us you eliminate a suspect, one of the top 10. Tonight is no exception. Let's take a look at the latest top 10 suspects, sorry Dave, that's not intellectual property. First on the latest list is Vladimir Putin, second is Hillary Clinton, third is Ryan Murphy...then...keep going...it looks like...the same 9 people from the last visit in October, and the new name in tenth place is...Rupert Murdoch! So Phil, this will probably be the last time you eliminate a suspect. Which of these 10 will you eliminate tonight?

PBC: Calvin Klein.

Colbert: There you have it, number 8 on the list Calvin Klein. Stay tuned as Phillip and Cole's Variety Team tell you what they think of fashion mogul Calvin Klein.

[phillipcole]

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 2

Colbert: Welcome back. We're talking with Phil Cole of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. I can't help noticing Phil that you're wearing a tuxedo. Is that because of the serious nature of this appearance?

PBC: Not really, Stephen, this is from my wife's latest bridal collection. My wife is Sharon Cox-Cole, CEO of Shacocouture, Shaco Resorts, Shaco Swimwear, Sharon Cole Designs, et cetera. This is no ordinary tuxedo either. The vest is bullet proof, mmmmmp, the bowtie has an emergency transmitter in it. On the back of the belt are 2 strips of beef jerky, there are 4 buttons on each sleeve. The last one up is a breath mint. The shoes are lined with rubber, to resist up to a 1500 volt shock.

Colbert: So it's the full James Bond outfit?

PBC: It would be...if we could get around the copyright laws...mmmmmp.

Colbert: Are you feeling alright, Phil?

PBC: Talking...aggravates my breathing trouble.

Colbert: Now Phil, you just completed producing and acting in 4 movies, is that right?

PBC: It certainly is. The first one is called North to Alaska. It will be in theaters everywhere August 29.

Colbert: Do you have a clip?

PBC: Yes we do. It's a...well, some of the people in the movie will be on your show, LORD willing, closer to the film's release. They'll have great clips, but since I'm here we decided to show a clip with me in it. I'm only in 2 scenes in this one and they're the 2 most boring scenes in the movie. So this is a small clip. I'm playing the foreman of a lumberjack team. I'm trying to persuade former employee Sam McCord, played by Duane, the Rock, Johnson, to compete in our tree climbing race. That's all you need to know.

Colbert: What's your character's name?

PBC: Phil Cole.

Colbert: Ha ha...

PBC: Why create a name for 2 scenes?

Colbert: Roll the film.

(Film starts.)

McCord: What happened to your leg?

PBC: These new men, amateurs; as soon as the branch is loose they knock it down and let it fall wherever. We fired that man but the rest are just as bad. Doc says I'll be walking on it soon though.

McCord: It takes more than that to keep you down, Mr. Cole.

PBC: That's what I always liked about you, more respectful than you need to be. You know, after lunch we're having a tree race. I'd like it if you were on our team.

McCord: It's been 3 years.

PBC: You're still better than anyone we've got. Those DeRoches are tough. We haven't beaten them at anything since you left.

(Film ends.)

Colbert: You're right, kind of dull.

PBC: Yes, but the movie isn't. That's a terrific race, photo finish, but this was before a photo could help. The movie also has 3 fight scenes, one shootout. We had a great stunt crew led by Richard Epper. I think he's the best in the business right now.

Colbert: Anything else.

PBC: The cast is solid: Johnson, Matthw McConaghey, Haley Pine and Justin Bieber. He did the soundtrack too.

Colbert: Can Bieber act?

PBC: I am confident that after these 4 films he will be much in demand.

Colbert: Did you get along with everybody?

PBC: There is not one person involved in any of the 4 movies that I wouldn't be willing to work with again.

Colbert: And...when do you think the next of the 4 will appear?

PBC: It could be as early as January. We'll see.

Colbert: It's time for another break. Don't go away.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1338: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert May 29

58-23 and My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have dropped to 72 and 74 respectively last week. My wife would have taken a long trip to Trinidad following the death of her former mother in law. I would be feeling a lot better when I got to New York for the long awaited pulling of the plug. They would devote the whole show, after the opening segment, to the event. So the following would come after the first commercial break.

Colbert: Welcome back. Well as you all know, tonight, in about 45 minutes we are going to pull the plug on Phillip, the Boston intellectual. For those of you who have been following this for years, this is the climax of a long ordeal. For those who don't know we now undertake to summarize the career of Phillip, the Boston intellectual.

Announcer:(with silent clips and still photos) Phillip the Boston intellectual and his colleagues in Phillip and Cole's Variety Team exploded into the national consciousness in 2014 on America's got Talent. Though the team of Phillip, Cole, Brad, Ford, Phil, Norbert and the Ranting Old Man did not win, they have proven more successful than any alumnus of the show, with hit films, songs and books. While the road to success seemed paved in gold, for Phillip there was much heartache and pain. In his first audition Phillip revealed that he was one of the first victims of Trumpitis, a feeling of queasiness at every mention of the name of the man who at the time was just a millionaire businessman and reality tv star. Beginning in 2015 when Donald Trump announced his first campaign for President, Phillip took a leave of absence from the team to deal with the symptoms. In the 10 years since he has been in a coma several times, but occasionally rallied enough to publish 2 books and occasionally perform on stage. Since November's election Phillip has been in a coma and with no path to health in sight, tonight we prepare to pull the plug on the troubled entertainer.

Colbert: Thank you. We now introduce Phillip to our audience for perhaps the last time. People in comas can hear you sometimes, so please give a long, loud welcome to Phillip, the Boston intellectual.

(A doctor and 2 nurses accompany a stage hand wheeling out a mannequin and convincing devices to the center of the stage.)

Colbert: Thank you. On behalf of Phillip, thank you. Dr. Noah Zamanski is with the patient. We'll chat with him later in the show before the plug pulling. Now let us look back on more time on some of Phillip's performances. I warn you, the following clips may be disturbing to some viewers.

(They show clips of Phillip's past performances, starting with the first audition and including his interview with Charlie Rose-all posted previously, down to his last conscious grunt.)

Colbert: Thank you. Of course Phillip is one of 7 original members of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. Also with us tonight is the leader of the team Phil Cole. Please give him a warm welcome also.

(They would draw the curtain on the far right of the stage. I would be wearing a tuxedo with vest and encased in a bullet proof glass enclosure as on some other occasions.)

Colbert: Welcome, Phil, how are you?

PBC: Long covid, sleep apnea, COPD, asthma and an irregular heartbeat. How are you?

Colbert: Will we be pulling the plug on you soon too?

PBC: I hope not.

Colbert: We'll be right back with more of Phil Cole and his team. Don't go away.

[phillipcole]

Michael Naughton Show part 3

Naughton: That was a sweet little tune, and sounds like it came from the 60s.

PBC: To confuse future archaeologists.

Naughton: How's that?

PBC: Thousands of years from now, after most of our culture is forgotten, some archaeologist dig up about 20 country songs. They don't know what to do with them. They give them to a music expert. He doesn't know a word of the language, but he assigns them to 3 eras: before 1950, 1950-2000 and after 2000. This tune gets assigned to 1950-2000...mmmmmp....He gives them back to the archaeologists. They give them to a language expert. He notices this is one of 3 songs that mentions trains. From that they conclude that trains existed only for 50 years. Then he deciphers the title, and-since the other 2 songs about trains are from the same era, the archaeologists call me a liar.

Naughton: Ha ha...now I have to ask you about your upcoming appearance on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

PBC: Hmm hmm, yes.

Naughton: 2 weeks from tonight they'll be pulling the plug on you colleague Phillip.

PBC: Yes.

Naughton: Can you briefly tell our listeners how you came to this moment?

PBC: Yes; in 2014 I auditioned for America's Got Talent with a routine called celebrities that make Phillip sick.

Naughton: Especially one Donald Trump.

PBC: Thank you; he was no more special than the others at the time, but...that got me on the show and the last name on the list is still a mystery.

Naughton: There were 2 at the time, right?

PBC: Yes, Cole wiped his bum with the last 2 names. One of them was Janet Reno, former Attorney General...

Naughton: And what did she do?

PBC: Massacred a small cult; so when she died we told everyone, then discovered that millions of people were betting real money about the last name.

Naughton: Then what happened?

PBC: A bidding war, the Colbert people won and got the right to announce any update, eliminate suspects and-eventually decide if Phillip dies.

Naughton: Still it would not have come to this unless Donald Trump had become President.

PBC: That's right. After the 2024 New Hampshire primary Phillip lapsed into a coma, and they would have pulled the plug last May except that O. J. Simpson, another name on the list died in April. Then the election put Phillip back into a coma. I don't think he wants to come out of it during this administration.

Naughton: So...will he die May 29?

PBC: Probably not that night...when you pull the plug on a real person he lingers a while. The date of his death is in the hands of the Late Show.

Naughton: After that will you reveal the last name?

PBC: They'll tell me when, yes.

Naughton: Will that be...a relief?

PBC: Biggest of my life probably. Every time I write a celebrity joke I have to hesitate about how it might affect the betting.

Naughton: So what's in the future for your career?

PBC: Well,...mmmmmp.....unless I can lick this lung trouble, I can't go on tour. I can't do any substantial acting or directing. I'll be mostly a writer and producer.

Naughton: Do you have enough material?

PBC: Mountains, and in every medium. Each of these movies will also be available in graphic novel, audiotape, 2 of them in written novels. I've got projects all over the world.

Naughton: All over the world?

PBC: There's a big one in India I plan to announce soon.

Naughton: So you'll be busy, one way or another?

PBC: As long as my brain works.

Naughton: I know you have a plane to catch and it's time for another break. I wish you all the best.

PBC: Thanks, you too.

Naughton: Don't go away. We have a lot more good music after the break.

[phillipcole]

Michael Naughton Show part 2

Naughton: Welcome back. We're speaking live with entertainer Phil Cole of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. We were talking before the break about your upcoming film North to Alaska, and we have a treat right now: a clip from the movie. Those of you watching our podcast can see it. Phil, do you need to tell u what's happening?

PBC: No; they're having a race of lumberjacks up and down a row of trees. The only voice in the clip is Richard Epper, a veteran stunt man from a great stunt family.

Naughton: Stunt family?

PBC: Yes, going back at least 80 years now. One or more of them have been in about half the action movies you can name. The family that falls off horses together runs courses together.

Naughton: I'm going to remember that line, ha ha.

PBC: He is atop one of the trees, shouting as the various competitors reach the top. The star of the movie is called Sam McCord. That's all you need to know.

(Clip begins.)

Epper: Clint Nordquist first to the top...Sven Knudsen to the top, Sam McCord to the top, Dirk Angresen at the top, Cliff Knowles, Johnny Rakes, Al Stewart at the top...Bill Marsh at the top

(Clip ends.)

Naughton: It doesn't show who won.

PBC: Guess.

Naughton: Alright, so the movie comes out August 29. When do you expect the other 3?

PBC: They're all slated for at least a 4 month run in theaters, so they won't overlap. 2 of them are horror movies, so maybe a couple of Octobers. We're hoping to get some awards for And then there were None. That would suggest November or December, but maybe we'll go for box office and release one in January or February like our last big hit. I don't know.

Naughton: There are 2 other matters I wanted to talk to you about. First, your album. Before you came on we played one of your lesser hits from the album. Are you satisfied with the sales?

PBC: Just about what we expected, but not what we hoped for.

Naughton: The one called My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff has overtaken 58-23 in total downloads.

PBC: We expected that, but I was hoping it would go otherwise.

Naughton: Not proud of that one?

PBC: I don't want to be remembered for that.

Naughton: 58-23 went higher on the charts.

PBC: Yes, but not many people listen to that to hear me.

Naughton: Which songs are nearest to your heart?

PBC: I was really hoping that They don't sing about trains anymore would go somewhere.

Naughton: It certainly does hearken back to the early roots of country music. Why do you think it didn't do well?

PBC: Maybe there aren't many people around who still hearken back to the roots of country music.

Naughton: Well, let's play it now and see if I can stir up a late rally.

(He plays They don't sing about trains Anymore as posted previously.)

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1337: Michael Naughton Show Sirius Radio 15 The Pulse May 15

The Papal election would have gone exactly as it went. I would be about as unhappy with the result as I am. 58-23 would have dropped to 64 last week and My Fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have dropped to 70. I would have filmed the remaining scenes and decided to release North to Alaska first on August 29. With 2 weeks before the plug pulling my agent would have decide that I needed one friendly interview before that. Michael Naughton is a real dj and musician in Michigan. He would have signed with my agent and gotten a good deal as a radio host on Sirius Radio channel 15, a station that plays today's top hits. So I would have stopped by live in the studio Thursday for an interview before heading home to Nevada.

Naughton: Welcome back to the Michael Naughton radio show. Those of you who are watching our live podcast can see we have a guest in the studio right now. You heard his voice just before the break. It's Phil Cole with one of the lesser hits from his latest country album: Old, cold, lonely and Broke. Phil, how are you?

PBC: Well, I'm still breathing.

Naughton: You've had a lot of health problems recently.

PBC: Ongoing: long covid, sleep apnea, COPD, asthma, irregular heartbeat.

Naughton: Is that life threatening?

PBC: Actually it's all under control. COPD is the biggest threat. A lot of people with that just cough themselves to death in their sleep some night.....mmmmmp.

Naughton: That sound effect is...uh?

PBC: When I talk a little too much.....mmmmmp.....air escapes unexpectedly. I'm trying not to cough, but maybe...

Naughton: Go ahead.

PBC: Cough...cough...cough.....That might help. A few hard coughs clears the lungs for a while.

Naughton: But you were able to finish your 4 movies up in Canada.

PBC: A few months late, but yes.

Naughton: Tell us about them.

PBC: Well, all 4 feature Justin Bieber and I am very optimistic that everyone will agree he can handle himself as an actor capably.

Naughton: Does he also sing?

PBC: Yes, he has soundtrack albums for all 4 of the movies, mostly new material, plus a few classics. These aren't musicals though. Some of them kill time during the cinematic scenes.

Naughton: I have the 4 titles here: Sardonicus, North to Alaska, Agatha Christie's And then there were None and...The Global warming Monster. I don't recall reading about that last one.

PBC: We made it quickly and without fanfare while filming the other 3. When I got my first good look at the Canadian Rockies in all their grandeur I knew I had to make the mountains the star.

Naughton: What's the monster look like?

PBC: Snow.

Naughton: The abominable snowman?

PBC: No, it's camouflaged. It lives near the top of a mountain and blends in. That makes it hard to kill.

Naughton: Phil, in the past you expressed some...doubt about climate change. Does...this movie mean your opinion has changed?

PBC: Mmmmmp...Thanks for asking. Actually, I always believed in global warming. Recent winters are definitely milder than the ones from my childhood and very old people have assured me...mmmmmp that winters were harsher when they were young. By calling it climate change they are attempting to convince us that whole ecosystems will be drastically altered and mankind wiped out. The only reason most are saying that is to get money.

Naughton: Thank you for clearing that up. So what does the monster do?

PBC: All these years it's been eating snow and ice. With less snow and ice, it finds a new food source: mountain climbers.

Naughton: Ha ha ha that should be a treat.

PBC: Mountain climbers are assaulting nature really and sometimes get their just desserts. These climbers become dessert.

Naughton: Ha ha, so that's a comedy?

PBC: Dramatic irony is the best comedy. We'll see what the critics call it....mmmmmp.

Naughton: So, which movie comes out first?

PBC: North to Alaska, August 29.

Naughton: Why did you start with that one?

PBC: It's the only one ready.

Naughton: Ha ha, and that was a John Wayne movie, right? Who plays his part?

PBC: Duane the Rock Johnson.

Naughton: Was he up to the challenge?

PBC: He was. That was not the typical John Wayne movie either and he handled everything well. Wait til you see him in The Global warming Monster. That was all him.

Naughton: And who else is in North to Alaska?

PBC: Matthew McConaghey plays the part played by Stewart Granger part. Bieber plays his nephew, originally portrayed by Fabian. He also plays the part Fabian played in Ten little Indians.

Naughton: Wasn't Fabian the first one killed in the movie?

PBC: He was, but not in my movie.

Naughton: You're changing an Agatha Christie story ha ha?

PBC: Fixing it! For over 50 years I have been rearranging that story in a way that makes sense. The character Bieber plays was a drunk!.....mmmmmp. If you really want to kill 9 people, then yourself over a long weekend, you don't start with the person least likely to solve the mystery.

Naughton: So this is...barely the same story.

PBC: Right, and one of the characters does something I would have done if I was there and was fortunate enough to survive the first few kills. I'm sure Christie would have approved. Most importantly, Justin Bieber gets a lot more scenes.

Naughton: It's time for a station break. How long can you stay today?

PBC: At least one more segment.

Naughton: Very good! Stay with us folks.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1336: The Kidd Kraddick Morning Show KHKS 106.1 April 30

58-23 would have dropped to 56 last week while My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have stayed at 65. The elections in Trinidad April 28 would have ended up with the same numbers: UNC 26, PNM 13, Tobago Party 2, however 3 winners would have been different people, including Avonelle Hector Joseph winning Diego Martin West by 103 votes after reviving some of my campaign songs from 2015.

The most popular reaction to my post about the Pope would be that I was out of

money and need Catholics to watch my movies. I would be low on spending money but my new accountant would be selling unproductive assets. My agent would have told me not to comment again but I would have ignored him this morning and presented my nominee. The first to quote me would be the Kidd Kraddick Morning Show, a syndicated radio show on many stations based in KHKS in Texas. Ana Szabo and Kellie Evans would do the talking about 7:15 am.

Evans: So, do you have a favorite for the next Pope?

Szabo: There's a black guy they're talking about.

Evans: That'll be the day; well, someone else has announced a favorite.

Szabo: Who?

Evans: Phil Cole.

Szabo: He isn't even Catholic.

Evans: Maybe not, but he has a nominee.

Szabo: Who is it?

Evans: I quote:

PBC: I have carefully studied the list of Cardinals and they should elect Philippe Barbourin of Lyon, France.

Szabo: bar bar bar bar barbourin...

Evans: That's the sort of thing he might say, but it's not in the quote, so I guess he's serious this time.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1335: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert April 21

That man would never appear with Seth Meyers again. Eventually he would develop a third routine and begin to circulate elsewhere.

58-23 would have dropped to 54th and My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have dropped to 65 last weekend.

The Colbert people would have notified me that they intend to pull the plug on May 29. The day after I found out someone would have leaked the date to the press so the show would have the countdown running. The usual variety of protests would erupt but with less fervor this time. With this new deadline I would have taken a flight back to Canada today to finish the movies even though I still wouldn't feel well. At the airport my agent would have called about the death of Pope Francis. Francis would have started in 32nd place, reached a low point of 41 in 2016, reached a peak at 6 in 2019, staying at 6 for 7 months, and died in 13th place. Several times I would have proposed comments, all rejected until 5 pm eastern time. Though the show is airing repeats this week the Colbert people would have the right to air the comment first. They would run it between commercials during the first commercial break.

PBC: As people from all sides have pounded the Catholic Church with baseball bats, Pope Francis met each assault with the soft answer that turns away wrath.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1334: The Late Show with Seth Meyers April 2

58-23 would have dropped to 45 and My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have dropped to 61 last weekend.

Back in 2019 I would have mentored a young comedian and at the end sold him exclusive rights to one of my least dignified routines. He would have adjusted it a bit since then. In January he would have made his tv debut on The Late Show with Seth Meyers, using a routine he developed separately. That would have been a big hit and they would have requested that he return soon. The routine I had sold him would be the only other routine he had performed before a large audience so he would use that on when he made his second appearance, in the final segment tonight.

Meyers: Finally tonight, back in January we introduced a new comedian, a fellow by the name of ____ ______. It was a big hit and we had to have him back. So please give a warm welcome to ____ ______.

______: Hi, everybody. My name is ____. What do you want to know about me? There's only one thing that matters to anyone these days: I'm a man. I've always been a man. I always want to remain a man. I'm also straight, completely straight and wish to remain straight. I know that makes me a minority now and I want you to treat me like a minority. If I want your job, your boss should give it to me and you should thank him for doing it. By the way, I'm not just straight, I'm a homophobe, not a homosexual, a homophobe. I'm afraid of gay people, especially the men. If you're gay don't kiss me. I might catch something. I don't want to shake your hand. I might get something on it. I don't want to go out drinking with you. You might put something in my drink, or I might wake up and feel really bad about what I did. I don't take group showers. I don't use locker rooms. I'm scared. I haven't always been this way, but one day I found out one of my friends enjoyed it to much when he patted me on the butt for a good play in football. It was touch football. How did I find out? One day he was on the other team and tackled me, and wouldn't get up.

I know most of you think it's nature; you were born that way. There's a gay gene somewhere. They say there's a gene for drinking and smoking too. I drink and smoke, but one day I had to drink a beer and say, that was great, may I have another. One day I had to set a bunch of leaves on fire, breathe in and say, "I want to do that 20 times a day until it kills me." Why aren't you laughing? This routine killed them at the last KKK convention. Maybe you're all a bunch of queers. By applause now, how many of you are gay men?

(applause)

How many of you are lesbians?

(applause)

By the way, aren't lesbians gay? Why do they need their own word? I don't think lesbians like gay men too much. Now, how many of you are bisexual?

(applause)

How many of you are trysexual, you'll try anything?

(applause)

Is there anyone else who hasn't clapped yet?

(applause)

See I'm a genius. This act bombed tonight, but I got everyone in the audience to clap at least once.

(Closing credits)

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1332: The Dawn Patrol with Bruce Tria WRIV am 1390 March 4

As I mentioned in chapter 1333, my original post for chapter 1332 is not here. Maybe I just didn't click the mouse hard enough, but maybe someone deleted it. That particular chapter was with a show led by an influential and scary man. He or one of his followers could easily have anything deleted. He might even proceed to slander, sue or kill me. I used that show once or twice before. That was years ago and I don't know if they were deleted. They were less controversial by far. In any case I intend never to use that show or mention the influential and scary man again.

For those of you who were not reading my posts 11 years ago: I really did audition for America's Got Talent. By the time I learned that I was not invited to the second round of auditions I had completed the routine I intended to perform. Soon after that I Posted both routines. Then I started watching the show and commented a bit. I also prepared and posted the routines I would have performed roughly on the days they would have aired. I determined that I should have been eliminated when they cut from 24 to 12 and on that day I posted my final routine for the show. Then I thought about what would happen next and decided that I should post every tv and radio appearance as it would have happened, starting with the very night I was eliminated. I continued that up to the present day, following logically the chain of events in the world and my personal life.

This is to end on the day I first get paid for doing anything in the field of show business. I had no idea I would still be waiting for that 11 years later. In the process I now have the longest novel ever and a most unique one. Since these are all real shows with real people I have tried hard to honor the diction, temperament and opinions of the people represented. Most of them are people I never heard, and sometimes never heard of until I determined that the next chapter would be on their shows. When it's time for the debut of a new song for instance, I determine when it should air, where it should air, then find the right kind of station in the area. I go to the station website, look up which dj is on air at the right time, look at his picture and think about what he might say.

If I have misrepresented anyone, I'm sorry.

If I have offended someone by representing him correctly, I'm not sorry. That person is much too sensitive.

So I proceed to the chapter with a new entity, a man I know nothing about replacing the influential and scary person, but on the same day.

In February I learned of the death of 2 relatives. One of them was a first cousin once removed on my mother's father's side. The other was the widow of a first cousin once removed on my mother's mother's side. I would have left Canada for her February 11 funeral, comforted some of the grieving relatives, then flown home to Nevada to recover from my ailments sufficiently to film my last healthy scenes.

The staff would have been doing a good job keeping secrets but a photographer would have taken pictures of Haley Pine kissing me and sold them to a publication that was trying to destroy me. After the publication came out my agent would have requested a public comment. I would have prepared it over the weekend and he would not be convinced but would have released it on all websites Monday morning March 4. The first to quote me would be Bruce Tria on am 1390 WRIV in New York, an adult standard station. It would air about 7: 15 am.

Tria: Welcome back. Are any of you following the saga of film maker Phil Cole? He's been making movies in Canada and having all kinds of trouble, most recently allegations he's having an affair with one of the actresses, a young lady named Haley Pine. This morning he replied formally to the accusations. He said.

PBC: The scripts require her to kiss 3 men aggressively. I didn't want anything to happen, so she rehearsed with me.

Tria: I'm sure that'll clear everything up.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1333: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert March 24

It looks like chapter 1332 didn't post. I'll try to recreate it soon but I don't have time now. That would have been about an unrelated matter and can easily be postponed or canceled. In any case 58-23 would have dropped to 44 and My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would be down to 60 last weekend. I would be in Nevada still trying to recover enough strength to film my last few scenes. My lawyer would have advised me that it might be illegal to shoot the remaining scenes in the United States.

George Foreman would have joined the top 100 in 2018, peaked at 92 in 2022 and died in 94th place. I would promptly write a joke and a serious comment on the subject. No one on tv or radio would ever quote the serious comment. The Colbert show would show the joke between commercials during the first break.

PBC: Most of the team, especially Ford, prefers briefs, but George Foreman was our favorite living boxer.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1331: _______ ______ WOVM 91.1 fm February 2.

With my agent taking countermeasures 58-23 would have reversed direction last week and moved back up to 28. My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would also have reversed direction and risen to 52.

Extreme cold in Canada would have made it impossible to film outside for 3 days. Then a major storm would have caused an additional delay. During the storm I would have added segments about the storm into 2 of the movies, mostly for the stunt actors. So we would be further behind schedule but with 2 improved movies.

My mother would again be healthier than she really is. However I did lose a first cousin once removed on my mother's father's side last week, the same time as in reality.

The Colbert people would have contacted me regarding their plans. Once again they would pull the plug in May. This time they would add that they would announce Phillip's death in the summer and have a tribute in the fall. Then, early in 2026 I would appear one last time to announce the last name on Phillip's sick list. The usual contingencies could change the schedule.

I would not have been nominated for an Oscar, but the movie would have been nominated for Hair and Makeup and Costume Design. I would not have been nominated for a Grammy for the country album or any of the songs. The soundtrack from Toad woman of Tennessee would have been nominated for best alternative album. Norbert's album would have been nominated instead of Ricky Gervais and would have won. My wife Sharon Cox-Cole would have accepted the award and included a message from Norbert. The staff of the Grammy Awards would have adjusted the commercial schedule to keep it off the show, but people on paid simulcast services would have been able to see it, including _______ ______, a disc jockey in Wisconsin who would have signed with my agent 2 years ago. My agent would have gotten him some gigs for business associations and he would have made 2 friends who would have sponsored a radio show for him on 91.1 WOVM in Wisconsin from 9 to 11 pm Sunday nights. As he played songs he would be talking about the Grammy Awards and, when the engineer watching on tv told him that the acceptance speech was not broadcast he would have become the first to air Norbert's comment. It would air about 10:15 pm local time.

_______ ______: Welcome back to the show. Those of you watching the Grammys on tv missed something a little while ago. They gave the award for best comedy album to Phil Cole of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team for Norbert Adams' greatest performances. His wife accepted the award. Here's the last part of the acceptance speech.

Cox-Cole: He's in Canada making 4 wonderful movies, all featuring Shaco Couture and Sharon Cox Designs Costumes. They'll be out soon. He gave me this little tape in case he wins and he did; praise God! Here it is.

Norbert: I'm not the unluckiest man in the world anymore heh heh.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1330: Laura Daniels WHTT fm 104.1 January 22

58-23 would have fallen to 29 last week and My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have dropped to 51. People would have started suggesting that my agent end the contract.

My mother would have had a medical problem unrelated to her chronic illnesses and ended up in the hospital from January 12-14. A reporter in the area would have learned about that. Reporters in Canada would have determined that I didn't change my schedule and when it appeared in print people would have attacked me for neglecting her. By Tuesday my agent would contact me for a response and we would have released a statement very early this morning. The first to quote me would be Laura Daniels on WHTT fm 104.1 in Buffalo New York. It's a classic hits station.. Her show is on from 6 to 10 am and she would quote me between songs about 8:50 am.

Daniels: Welcome back. I know a lot of you are following the debate regarding Phil Cole and his failure to leave Canada where he's making 4 movies with Justin Bieber to tend to his ailing mother. He replied to the demand for a reaction and it's a...thoughtful reply. No matter what you think about the man, think about this. He says, quote.

PBC: Mother and I have exchanged our final messages several times in recent years. I suggest you all do the same, Neither of us wants the other to compromise our health because the other is ailing. Local relatives gave me regular updates and I never doubted she would recover from this.

Daniels: I'd like to hear your thoughts about this.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1329: Scott Tom Show KLTH 106.7 January 10

I would have been nominated for the Golden Globe for best supporting actor instead of Denzel Washington. Purists would have persuaded the nominating committee that Washington should only be considered for best actor because he was not supporting while I obviously was. Miley Cyrus would get nominated only for a Razzie.

58-23 would have sunk to 27 on January 5 while My fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would have reached its peak at 49. Boycotters would have started working harder and 2 more disc jockeys would have been fired effective January 1. My agent would then start aggressively urging his clients to play the songs more often. The Norbert comedy album would have been first in the comedy charts every week since release and many disc jockeys would have been playing short clips between songs and commercials. So far everything they played would have been jokes I posted previously. Then on Friday an Oregon disc jockey named Scott Tom would be the first to play a new clip. Tom would have signed up with my agent when he started negotiating his last contract. He hosts a show from 3 to 7 pm on classic hits station KLTH. This would play during the 6:30 pm local station break.

Norbert: A lot of people don't like public displays of affection. In my family some of them don't like private displays of affection either. In fact, some of them have no affection heh heh.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 1328: CBS Mornings December 30

58-23 would have reached its peak position of 25 the last 2 weeks. My Fingers aren't the only thing that's Stiff would still be rising, hitting 50th last weekend. Yearning, Burning would have dropped out of the top 100 last week. I would still be in Canada and the filming would be losing time almost daily, postponing the earliest possible release date into the summer.

Jimmy Carter would have started at 80th place, peaked at 62 in the spring of 2023 and died yesterday at 69th. My agent would have had someone call me immediately and we would have agreed to the previously scripted response. The producers at NBC would have decided that they should make the announcement directly by having Colbert himself read it on CBS Mornings. The show airs at 7 am. This would be in the last segment of the second hour. Gayle King would introduce it.

King: Welcome back to CBS Mornings. This morning we're following up with a series of tributes and reminiscences of the late former President Jimmy Carter and we have a special guest joining us on the feed right now. With a special update from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert we are joined now by Stephen Colbert. How are you, Stephen?

Colbert: I hate to interrupt a vacation but this is worth it.

King: Are you grieving the late Jimmy Carter?

Colbert: Yes, I am. However I have big news that some people think about every time we lose a major celebrity. Is Jimmy Carter the last person on the list of celebrities that make Phillip sick?

King: Oh, that again! Well, is he?

Colbert: No! I have hear a message from Phil Cole, leader of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. I will read it now.

PBC: Like many young people in the 1970s Phillip was unhappy to see Jimmy Carter struggling with the difficulties of the administration, however Phillip never had any animosity against the man and we wonder why anyone thought he was the last name on the list.

King: Well, that's a relief. Thank you for sharing that with us, and remember you can get all the updates on this and other news on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert Monday through Friday at 11:35 on most of these CBS stations. Stay tuned for more updates and join us tomorrow at 7 on CBS Mornings.