philosophosquil - Tumblr blog

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How do you stop your brain from working?

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You dont give a damn about me ... no one gives a damn about me ... its always them them them ... sila ang tama ... sila ang nasaktan ... sila ang una ... lagi nalang kayo ang una

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Why do i still do shit for you ... why do i still feel sad when you dont value me ... why do i still say im okay ... why am i such an emotional little bitch ... i just wanna fucking die

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I promised myself to kiss and tell you twice everyday that i love you ... so when the time death kisses me ...you would have enough kisses and love to last another lifetime.

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Im sorry i had to leave ...im happy i swear i am ... i just didnt have a good reason to stay anymore and thats good ... it means i have found contentment in the life ive lived ... come to think about it ive always been contented with my life because ive accepted the outcome no matter what it is .... if you’re reading this ... the only person who knows this account exists prolly found my letters to you guys (thanks jas!)

Please dont cry over me ... i hate seeing people cry .... crying is my gig ahhhahaha akin lang yan ...

I know for most of you ive disconnected for a really long time for various reasons ... i just want to say im sorry ... so much went on in my life that i really was at a confused and ballistic phase ... i guess i just had trouble woth the thought that there are things na di na tayo connected with ... i was scared people will outgrow me ... im not much of a talker in real lofe kasi ... i depend on current events and mutual interests to keep a conversion kasi i had to be sociable to hide my insecurities and fears ... kaya most of the time if mawala ang mutual interest natin like school or theater or work i het very anxious that i couldnt keep a conversation with anyone anymore and that i would see the connection die down ... but i really do love you guys with all my heart ..

Im sorry if i overshare or overbug you kasi to be honest i saw a confidant in you and its very rare for me to be comfortable around anyone kaya i treat you more of a sister/brother that a friend

Lysa, kath, the mosqueda sisters, leigh, elli, bozos, jas, kimberly mar, kim letads, kuya evo, kuya pac, feb, Donniella, paw, arrianne, marj, iya, joey

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Mama...

You are the bravest person i have ever known ... many misunderstood you and sometimes you feel like i did but please know ... i see your struggles and i see them through your eyes ... and i love you ... im sorry if i was a bit too harsh with you, it was just that i was so scared ... mama im so scared ... i was scared we would fail and fall back to being nothing ... i was scared i cant save you ... i love you mama ... im sorry, i wish i could have been better ... stronger ..

But please dont think that its your fault ... its not ... its my choice and im sorry for not being brave enough to stand up and support the both of us ... i really wanted to ... but i cant and now it feels like i gave up ... but mama i tried ... i tried so hard ... i miss you so much ... i never wanted to be cold hearted or distant ... its just that i had to ... i had to save myself to save us ... i love you with my entire heart and i would always always have your back even if the world tells me not to ... cuz youre my mom and you are the most beautiful and strong person in my life and nothing would ever change that ... please be strong now that i have to go ... and take care of yourself ... get a nice job ... find a great guy ... spend the rest of your life looking for what makes you happy and cut other people some slack ... they dont understand us the way we do .... mama i know we have always been so strong pero im just a kid ... im your kid ... and i am not strong ... im so fragile mama .. i cry almost everyday cuz i feel so lost and alone ... i know you feel the same way ... even if i never let you feel like it, but please know ... we are so much more alike than you know .... mama i cant count how many hours and cries i shot to the universe asking for you to hug me and tell me that its all going to be okay .... but i cant ... kasi im strong and im independent and im all grown and i cant show anyone im weak ... not even you .... i feel like the weight of the world is on my back ma ... and the lives of more than 6 people is in my hands .... mama i gave in ... but please know im at peace with my decision... im happy ...im happy i decided when i would take my life mama i love you ... and please dont blame yourself

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If you are reading this ... you probably are at the thought of a memory of me ...

Im sorry ... im sorry for drowning and not finding the strength to rise ... please dont cry .... please know that its my choice and im happy with it no matter how it turned out ...

I believed in a god so i guess ill be okay in the heaven department ... if ever nothing is really real after all this ill make sure to let you know

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Tonight im having a hard time getting up ... my emotions are getting the best of me ... i just want to stay in my room in the dark ... my insecurities is the only thing pushing me to get up ... but tonight i guess its just ... its just not enough ... everything feels so big ... and i hide in the corner wishing for warmth on the cold concrete walls ...

Please hold me and hug me tight without saying anything ... i just want to feel safe ..

I just want to feel care ...

I just ... i dont know ... i just want to die

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You dont need to love me for me to share my world with you

You dont need to love me the way i love you

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Suddenly i hold the key ...all it takes is one more step and then im here

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“You’ll understand why storms are named after people.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Am i crazy?

I see seymour even if i know he’s in my head ...

Seymour tells me its okay and hugs me tight ...

I feel loved by a figment of my imagination ...

Am i going crazy ...

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Im surrounded by people pero ive never felt so alone ... di ko maintindihan ... where am i ... why am i here ... what did i get myself into ...

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Am i really happy?

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Tbh i dont know who i am anymore ... and it is breaking my heart ... i dont know why pero ive lost my ability to freely speak my mind ... everytime i think i do its backed up with a million other apprehensions and double thinking ... im so scared of offending or being too much for people that i have learned to sew my mouth shut ...

I guess im not crying cuz of the pain of keeping my mouth shut ... im crying because ive lost good things i was so sure of before ... ive lost my ability to write ... i have sewn my mouth shut ... and i have silenced my heart from feeling anything ... i guess the last bit I haven’t yet mastered... fuck .. who am i

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We’ve come so far ... so far down the hill of what we feel and what we think ..

I’m a case ...an empty case .. an empty case filled with regret.

I might be breaking ... im breaking to build you back ... im falling apart to hold you up