piecesofmicorazon

[piecesofmicorazon]

happy birthday, halima.

my dear halima,

happy birthday! you're finally 26? welcome to the oldies club. i know a lot has happened lately! but i am SO happy to be sitting here thinking about your birthday! and celebrating YOU today!

you are such a delightful mystery: like a rainbow crepe cake, an onion from shrek, a never ending dream. you have so many layers and once you discover them, it just gets better and better.

you're hilarious and silly, full of banter and energy. a tough girl from brooklyn who loves charlie and the park. you're way too humble and don't like to be noticed too much, and overall just a chill girl.

but as you've let me in, i have discovered the most amazing things:

you are the sweetest girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. you are a gentle soul who protects the people you love, and yearns for that same love back. you are so passionate and experience your feelings so deeply, sometimes to the point where you feel like you can't even describe them. you find joy in the simplest yet loveliest things like reading a good book, taking charlie to the park, seeing the baby turtles, and even saving one giving birth. you are fiercely talented, as i truly believe you could learn to do anything within 30 minutes. you have so many perspectives and gifts to share, and yet remains so humble of all your talents. and though i've never actually seen you play soccer, i believe you're truly the best player in the universe.

despite everything we've been through, the only memories i can remember are the sweetest ones we've shared. thank you for always keeping your head on a swivel so that i could turn my brain off, for skipping with me on the sidewalk, that truly glorious and hysterical trip to miami, the delicious dinners, the simple nights where we just stay home and lay around, encouraging me to read, the gentle reminders of when i wasn't feeling my best self, killing the flour bugs and still wanting to make the cake after, singing on the top of our lungs in the car and in your room, every pool date where i beat your ass hehe, and everything in between. i have so much fun with you and i'll always see you in this light.

halima, i know i've told you this a few times but i think about it so often -- you were rarely shown healthy love and communication, yet you have such a deep desire to achieve it. to become it. and that is just amazing. the road to becoming your best self is never easy and most people rarely strive for it, but look at you darling! getting closer day by day.

about a year ago, you told me that there was a point in your life where you didn't know how many birthdays you would celebrate. and my sweet girl... it broke my heart that you've ever thought that way. i know your mental health journey has been long, hard and painful. it's impossible to fight with the demons in your head sometimes. despite everything you've been through, you're still here. and i thank God that you are. Please remember... this world would not be as bright and marvelous without you in it. Everyone that meets you loves you instantly because you have that spark! & Me personally, my life would not be as radiant if i never met you. You have helped me shine so bright. I cannot thank you enough.

You have created a beautiful life for yourself, through it all, and i can't wait to see all the more beautiful things that are coming your way. You bring light to all of spaces you touch!! I will always remind you of this, no matter what!!!!!

Like i say, you are just continuing to glo up every year. You'll be even more unstoppable and even more magnificent.

You deserve love that feels easy, friendships that feel safe, and an abundance of peace. I am always rooting for you, Halimoon!! In healing, in happiness, in all of it.

So welcome to another year of this wild yet wonderful life! Cheers to your best year yet. Welcome to 26! I love you grandma!!

[piecesofmicorazon]

a new job(?) / !

Dear God

i know it's been a while. and i know i'm unworthy to think i can just come and go from you and your listening ear. but i hope you are listening and i hope you can see my heart in this moment.

i am not happy at mention anymore. it's been 4 years, a lot of changes, and i just dont feel like it's a place where im growing.

last weekend, i went for a walk with travis's workout group and nisa was there. she was talking about her role and how she does account management and would you look at this... a job opening is there for me. literally the role of an account manager!

so today i was emailing my lawyer and eventually got the green light to work two jobs at once, as long as my salary doesn't drop at mention.

though i feel really discouraged and a bit bitter that this green card thing is taking so long, i am still somehow feeling peace about it knowing that you have your hand over this and me. that you always have. i dont want to have anxiety about switching jobs or having to hold myself back from opportunities because of something that i cant even control. but i pray that the becore thing is for me, and that i'm able to do it while also working at mention. that in a way, it would fuel me to have this new motivation to do both.

i pray for your hand over me and this whole situation: green card, new job, and everything in between. i pray that i dont run into any trouble or hardships with this and i pray the becore thing is for me too! that i can meet a lot of great new people, new opportunities come my way, and it's meant for me.

thank you for your unfailing love that covers me and for the mercy you show despite my shortcomings.

in Jesus name,Amen.

[piecesofmicorazon]

ahh!!!!!!!!!!

being intentional doesn't mean you have to date to marry right away. - you can date to date

i want to date around. i want to see what is out there. the problem is i want them to give me 100% even without me doing the same. that's the problem with dating women sometimes, they expect the same in return.. as they should.

at this point i just need to know if me and halima would work out. this forced gray area is killing me and i can't keep living a fantasy. i want to live reality.

she's very different. i want to see if that would work.

i dont want to break my rules or settle or get less than i deserve. to be very honest, bj showed me that. she exceeded. i know it's possible and i will not settle for less.

she wants to talk to her ex and potentially let her back into her life. i hate that and if we were actually together that wouldn't be happening. but it is. and it's up to me to decide if i trust her? is this really about trust tho, or is it her morals?

dating DOES NOT EQUAL marriage. you can leave at any time. it sucks but that's the truth. remember that.

at this point. i don't want to live my life wondering. i want to know! and i told myself i wanted to date around. i want to validate all my feelings and i want to experience all the things. so that i can be sure sure sure.

i want to date halima, i'm just scared. scared that it might work out, scared that it'll become serious, scared that i might let shit slide like i have been, scared!!! just scared. dating is scary and i hate commitment. i am realizing all these things.

side note: something i like jordan said: it's one thing to have a conversation with someone about why they hurt you. yes, you deserve to be and feel heard. to be able to let those emotions out and to have closure. but you cannot let them back into your life. they need to feel the consequences of their actions. you need to cut people off so they fully realize that they lost something great by hurting you. -- i am going to remember this moving forward. i do wish i cut parris off. i have no idea why i still talk to him, entertain him, kiss him, hang out with him. maybe because i like the attention, bc he likes me, maybe it's just an attention thing. but i want to be better at that. cutting people off that have hurt me intentionally. and i will be.

though i dont like that quality in halima, that she doesn't cut people off, i am trying to be understanding because damn. she just like me fr. lmao!

i like her. and i'm intrigued. i'm having fun but i want more. i need to see what the reality is, and i want to be able to give myself those experiences. i've always taken everything seriously, and i want to have fun for once. not at the cost of using people but i don't think that's what im doing. im not just picking someone random off the street.

i'm open to dating other people if they come along, and i think i need to speak to her and see if she wants to be exclusive or not. i know she wants someone to be all about her, and she deserves that. she wants to know that for sure before she gives it her all. i get that and i want that for her. i need to think about if i want to do that for myself. but right now, i do. i wish i had a roster but i don't. so here we are.

do i like her because she's the only one in front of me? are there no people left in the world? or is it because i genuinly like her and her character?

[piecesofmicorazon]

for beautiful bee

bee..

when we first broke up in december i thought i was doing the right thing. it was true-- i wasn't in a good place mentally, i had so much i wanted to work on and grow from. i truly did feel like my feelings started to change and i started to see you as "more of a friend."

and i should've known this from the first time we tried to break up and i had that shrine set up in my bed for you lol. it was so painful. to think about a life without you as my bee so so painful, and i couldn't even fathom it. but i thought it was just the initial feelings, and that i had made the right decision.

a few months in, the winds started changing and i felt like i wanted to go experience the world, with whatever that consisted of. at the time, meeting new people had intriguied me and so did the way of the world. rebounding after a breakup, dating around, figuring out what you like, living my best single life, etc. i felt like those things were caught my interest and so i wanted to be open minded to that.

obviously that has led me to do some stupid things and make reckless decisions that i'll have to live with. and i know it's one of the few things that has led us here now.

something that i've learned about myself over these months is just how easily i am shaken. i am not a sturdy person, i don't actually know what i want, and i don't take the time to think about it. instant gratification is what i crave the most -- quick decisions that have minimal commitment. shiny new toys intrigue me and i am scared of missing out, and i am constantly blown and tossed by the wind. and after it all, i am always left unsatisfied and empty. i feel like i'm always chasing what i think is going to be fun or what everyone else is doing, i do not live my life intentionally, and i wonder if i truly know who i am and what i want. i am constantly thinking about how i look, how others will perceive me, and i have never felt like i could fully be myself.. except with you.

you are this rock in my life, so stable and consistent. you are always by my side and supporting me. no matter what i do and no matter what i choose, you have cheered me on. whether it's something as stupid as playing angry birds, my pottery journey, working at milk and pull, hosting parties, my acne journey, building my lego sets, and everything in between -- you have been there supporting me.

when i think about a life with you, it is peace. i have never been able to be in the most chaotic and unpleasant settings, but feel so happy at the same time if you're there. when we sat in that airport for 8 hours and the plane ended up being cancelled, i was just happy to be there with you. with you, i feel like the world is beautiful and i can do anything. even the worst days, with you by my side. feels like a good day. i am so sorry that i ever tried to let it go.

bj, i am so scared. i'm scared that things are serious with you, i'm scared of all the things that come with that. i am not good at commitment and like i said earlier, i am always chasing the next new thing, new shiny toys, but i don't want to anymore. i do feel like i've experienced enough to know that this right here... this is it. but i'm still scared. i'm scared about the conversation i'll have to have with my mom again, scared that we will be long distance, scared to hurt you again, scared to fully let myself be in this relationship.

i know by any means you are not asking me to get married tonight and i am trying not to overthink anything. but i do want to be intentional with what i'm doing and what that truly means.

over the past 4 months, i have broken no contact every single time. to the point where i emailed you, and i have never thought i'd be that girl emailing someone lol. i've only heard about that on twitter fr lmao. but it has shown me that i truly cannot stay away from you. and i don't want to.

i know our relationship will never be the same and there are many new things we will need to work past. but i want to do all of those things. i want you to feel so loved and seen and heard, just like you make me feel every single day.

when i messed around with parris, it was easy for me because it was no committment and quick. it was never someone i would've pursued and that's why i was able to do it. it was a moment of "fun" that i wouldn't need to think about the next day. causal hookups were never my thing but i thought maybe this is what i wanted. that experiencing the world and "figuring what i like" entailed doing these things, and he was an easy target. it wasn't love, it wasn't even close to like, it was just there. i know it's so strange and disgusting to believe i could've done those things while still being involved with you. and truly, even i am in disbelief with myself that i was capable of such a heartless act. there is no logic and i won't sit here trying to explain myself to you. but i truly do think it was because i wasn't emotionally involved with him and i knew i never would be. it didn't mean anything to me and it held no value or importance in my heart, and i could forget about it so easily. it was shocking for me as well to come to this conclusion, because i feel like in the past even if i made eye contact with someone for too long, i'd get attached lol. but i think that's why it intrigued me so much and it was almost like an experiment to see if i was suddenly this person who was able to do casual. and perhaps thats why i kept doing it, almost as a test. low risk and easy to forget.

this last time it happened, yes it happened a few days after we broke up. but this time i wasn't grieving you, this time i wasn't heartbroken, i wasn't thinking about it. i thought it was really over, and because we broke up so many times, i was just over it. i was over myself and my stupidity. i hated myself for doing the whole back and forth so many times, for constantly fucking up, for still being interested in dating other people, and all those things. so when i saw him a few days later, i guess i just decided to go do the things i wanted to break up for. i wanted to date around right? i wanted to have more experiences right? find out what i like right? and i genuinely thought you and i weren't going to speak, i thought we were done done done. so i did some stupid shit and figured i would deal with the consequences.

but it didn't take long for my heart to realize the things that i've been constantly realizing. at the end of the day, and the end of it all, in the midst of it all -- it's you. i wanted you here with me. i wanted to be with you. i was thinking about you. and there was no one else i wanted to be with.

so i emailed you from multiple emails, i dm'd you on twitter, i messaged you on whatsapp. all the avenues i knew you'd left open for me, for emergencies, and there you were. and there you were my sweet girl. and here we are now.

i am so sorry that i am so young, naive, immature, and inexperienced when it comes to dating and love in general. i'm sorry for everything i've put you through with these 4 months, for all the back and forth and heartbreak you've had to deal with as i was figuring myself out. i know ideally we would've done no contact from the start and even though i would've come to this same conclusion, at least i wouldn't have had to drag you through the process. but here we are. i am glad that i never lied to you and was honest about everything, and i know you are too. yes, ignorance is bliss, but it's also false peace sometimes. when you would say things like "i look so stupid, i look like an idiot, etc." i never thought that, because it was always you and it was always going to be you. i'm so sorry that my actions didn't reflect it. but despite it all, it has led me back to you.

to know basic love in this lifetime is rare and extraordinary, but to know your love is beyond my wildest dreams. far beyond what i deserve nor did i ever think was a possibility. and i will do my best to show you that same selfless and astounding love.

i know as of recent, the conversation has shifted towards reciprocality. how you feel like you are always giving 200% and i am barely giving 50%. i don't want you to feel like that and i will try my best to make you feel like i'm giving 200% too. if that means working from your house during the week sometimes, watching antz, or even watching a few episodes of the L word... i will do it. well... i'll try my best 😬

i want to do all these things for you bee, i want to be the person that you deserve, i want to love you loud and fearlessly. but i would be lying if i said i wasn't scared. i'm scared that i will not live up to what you deserve, that i'll keep failing, and breaking your heart. i cannot bear to break your heart again, and to see you this distressed because of me these past few months have been absolutely agonizing. to know i caused it is something i will never ever forgive myself for.

i will do my best to get you to trust me again, to build and restore what was ruptured. with my words and my actions.

when it comes to being intimate-- i know it's been a struggle for me. and i am still trying to figure out what the actual issue is so i can fix it. but truly believe me when i say this, please believe me: that it has absolutely nothing to do with you or what you did/didn't do. you are so beautiful, sexy, attractive, well-groomed, and the most put together person i've ever met. you take care of yourself so well, always smell good, and i have never experienced mindblowing pleasure from anyone else but you. i am so sorry my lack of intimacy has made you second guess yourself, question your worth or attractiveness. but please know it was never about you, it's an internal and mental issue for me.

i am going to work on rebuilding intimacy and what that really means. i really want it to work, i really want to try. to rebuild that.

i know another factor that we will face is you moving away. it's only a matter of time where you will be gone and i will not have physical access to you. i can't just take a 10 min uber to come see you. in some ways, i feel like it could be good for us. like we spoke about recently, we have always had our independence despite being in a relationship. we've never lost our own selves, and i think we could take it one day at a time.

i still have selfish tendencies and that has been made so obvious during this time. i haven't thought about anyone but myself and i have prioritzed my needs/wants this whole time. i always think about that trip to DC we took to go to ruqaya's -- where we went to mcdonalds and i said that i didn't want to go back and hang out with those people. that moment of realization where you so kindly told me how those were your friends that you rarely see, and how you would've loved even 5 more minutes with them... and how that wasn't even a thought in my mind. ever since that day, i have wanted to be more selfless, but it seems like i haven't grown too much huh.

you are it bee. it's you, and it's always been. i think everyone has known that, i'm sorry it took all of this for me to say it too. but i do wonder -- is love enough? will i actually do all the things i want to?

i want to and i will try. but is that enough? i'm scared.. i don't trust myself and i still feel like i'm a little kid who needs someone to guide me. to tell me what to do, show me the difference from right and wrong. i don't want to keep disappointing you or hurting you, and i'm scared that i will. that i will fall short or doing something without realizing how selfish it is. i almost wanted to just break up again to save you those possibilities. i don't think i can keep going if i hurt you again. for you to have stayed this whole time despite everything i've done alone feels so wrong. i wish someone would just shake you and say "what's wrong with you!!! leave her!!!"

even thinking about i chose to go out this weekend instead of writing this earlier. where are my priorities? will i be able to sacrifice the things i want, in order to prioritize you and us? do i even want to or think to? those are the things that scare me. because the fact is, that i didn't. i still chose to go to the party.

i wonder do we need more time? do i need more time to grow? to be the best person for you?

i don't know what the future holds but i know that i don't want to live a life without you. throughout this time, every single journal entry of mine has ended like this: "in every lifetime, i hope me and bj find our way back to each other." and here we are.

i love you so much bee. i have never loved someone like this nor did i think was a real thing. like i always say, since being with you -- all the songs make sense, the movies feel real, and colors are more vibrant. and that's something i feel confident about.

all i can really say is i'm so sorry for all the ways i've hurt you-- and i hope you know it was never intentional or malicious. i'm sorry for the way i have not held you heart with two hands, for all the selfish tendencies, and for not being able to let you go.

i want to live this life with you.

when i think about the perfect day it truly is just simply going for a walk with you. when i think about the best days of my life, it's laughing in the living room with you me and jordan, talking about everything under the sun. for once, i want to choose what i want and keep living in the moment.

i will try my best to give you 200% and to be this person that you truly deserve. because i want to and i want to be. there are many more obstacles to come but i hope we can go through them together. you are so beyond perfect in every way, i truly couldn't have even crafted you with AI.

sorry for just the biggest brain dump ever. i hope you read this a few times and hope you can understand why it's taken me so long to write this. there are still so many things i want to say and that i missed, but i pray we have all the time in the world.

as i wrap this up, one of my favorite songs is playing. and the lyrics go like this:

"You're one of the few things that I'm sure of You're one of the few things that I know already I could build my world on One of the few things that I'm sure of And I want you to unravel me Come closer, come closer"

with my jittery ass, there are not many things that stay stable/consistent in my life. friendships, hobbies, decorations, etc. i can never stay somewhere for too long. but you sweet girl, i hope you do. thank you for everything you've ever done for me, things seen and unseen. you have taught me what love really means, and i pray that i can give you even a fraction of that love.

i love you bj. it truly is you. 사라해 my sweet girl.

[piecesofmicorazon]

26.

life is so so precious, and each year i learn why.

for someone who has anxiety around their birthday, it has been more and more beautiful with each year. there's always the question of what do you want to do? the more people you invite, the less intimate and special it becomes. but then the less people, you don't feel like it's as big of a deal.

each year has been so so special, but this one was absolutely perfect.

on my actual birthday, i wanted to have a picnic but the weather was not working with me. and so i made the decison to move it to sunday.

but lets rewind: on thursday, me and jordan and bj went to myungsan to eat some very authentic korean food. to have found non-korean friends who would go eat raw crabs with me... oh wow that is truly just a gift in itself. to feel fully safe and comfortable with others is a very rare feeling for me, and to have it with two souls.. i was so grateful to be eating my favorite foods with my favorite people. to have bj in my life even after all of this, i am beyond grateful.

this past year has been uncertain for me. lots of lost friendships, trust, and everything in between. i wanted to feel special and celebrated this year.

well, on my actual birthday -- i spent it with my favorite people. we went to milk and pull where genie got me flowers, bibliotque, walked around the city, and then bklan! to be able to be my full and authentic self all day was a dream. just doing random shit but having fun anyways.

and today! i was nervous. while driving to roosevelt island, it was cloudy and started raining. of course this would happen to me, i thought. but then i took a minute, asked Jesus to show up for me, and He did like no other. the minute.. im not even kidding you, the minute we touched down, it was the sunniest sun of the whole week. it was beautiful, and all my friends came, even new friends, and we had a blast. it felt small and intentional, all about me, and just grateful these people showed up for me.

and coming home to read all these cards... friendships are so precious. and it is so special to feel seen. i feel like i really try my best to be a kind and radiant person, and i am so grateful that the people around me see it so well. i am glad that God has given me this light and all the rays reach people.

i am so thankful to turn 26 in this life, to another year full of sunsets, jordan, bj, my mom, new york, and everything in between. i am so grateful to jordan for driving me around all weekend, and for another year to bloom.

thank you Jesus for hearing my prayers, for providing the most beautiful day, and for the gift of this beautiful life.

26-- i hope i find myself again, which can only happen if i find you again. to know you is to love you more. i want this so much for me, will you help me?

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I want to come home.

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I WILL RECOVER

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You still have time to change!

(Words sewn into a leaf)

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a mary oliver quote that peeled me like a fruit

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parris

ah yes,

it's time. and even so, i wouldn't have it any other way.

when i met parris, it felt so natural. i just kept running into him, i felt safe enough to tell him about my life -- bj, gerry, etc. that seems like such a long time ago.. it really was.

obviously things progressed and we hooked up, despite me being involved with bj.

he was... quiet, mysterious, intriguing. and obviously, attractive to me. he gave me the energy that drew me in.. i just wish it had only been for me.

after getting to know him, i decided it's not someone that i liked. i wouldn't like, and it's definitely not someone i would want to date. and truly to this day, i still feel like this.

but he was this shiny new toy, a boy, and someone who showed interest in me. i enjoyed the flirting, the banter, the keke, the chase! how exciting... right?

after the first few hookups, i got the ick forsure. but that's the thing about human nature, or maybe just me? something kept me drawn in. maybe it was the fact of knowing other people i knew liked him, and knowing that he only liked me. i knew it was reckless and honestly immature on my end, but it didn't matter. i wanted to do causal for once without feeling like shit about it.. being able to explore my sexuality, what i like, etc.. with someone who did care about me. which i still believe, despite everything.

but as things progressed, i felt like my feelings were growing. not really because of him or from getting to know him, but just from time spent together and from physical interactions. it's not something i share with anybody, and i wish he valued that more in his interactions with others.

after breaking bj's heart again and again, i knew i couldn't be with him as long as i was still involved with her.

two weeks ago, i told him we had to end. we can still be friends! just no more stuff..

but then me and bj ended. and i found myself inviting him into my bed again. but this time, it was different.. more freeing. i was able to get out of my head and enjoy myself. and i surely did enjoy myself.

it felt different, better, closer. i knew it wasn't a long-term solution, but i wanted to "live in the moment" -- haha, look where it got me.

i knew it was dangerous. he's a huge flirt, intentionally or not, he's a grown man that knows what he's doing. or if he doesn't, it might be worse? all his failed relationships and all these crazy girls he's talked about... it seems that there's a common denominator. but he was sweet to me, i knew he really liked me. despite it all, he flirted with genie, he created a relationship with her.. one that led her on and one that completely showed himself. finding out that he was just having fun with a girl he didn't like at all.. and then finding out that they kissed? it just felt so unreal.

it's one thing to find out that he never actually told her he doesn't like her. to be someone who is okay with doing that to another person, leading them on, and then almost manipulating the situation. kissing someone you have absolutely no feelings for...

but then to do it with my friend! my coworker! someone i know... it's like did you even care about me at all? i told you time and time again do not mess with her because she likes you, do not lead her on... but that's the type of person he is. he thinks it's funny, it's entertainment to him.. maybe he's just like me. he likes the attention, despite having no good or any intentions period.

perhaps it's good that everything blew up yesterday. sometimes i wish i could just end it on my own. i wish i was more disciplined. i wish i cut it off when i realized i didn't like him. i wish i would've broken up with bj the first time, i wish i really took this self journey more seriously instead of just looking for more distractions. i wish... so many things.

but as jordan said, it's great that i dodged a huge bullet. and this time i will not go back. hearts are fragile and feelings can be weak. suddenly i understand why girls go back to their toxic ex's, why bj took me back so many times, why she was so heartbroken by my actions, and why i am such an asshole.

through it all, i am learning so much about myself, the world, others, relationships, and life. perhaps it was meant to happen this way. i just hate that i had to hurt someone so delicate and faultless through it. my sweet bee.. i hope you're doing better without me.

it hasn't even been one whole week of no contact and i feel like it's been years. i don't know how much longer i can live this life without you, but i know for our sake.. i need to try. and i'm doing my best i promise. i hope you are too, my sweet girl.

i hope i stop being scared. stop being scared of being with her, facing my mom, facing the world, the church, and myself above it all. i hope i can walk with her, knowing that as long as i'm in her arms at the end of the day... everything is alright.

goodbye parris, it's been fun. i hope you can learn from this truly and stop making the same mistakes. don't flirt with people who you don't have any intentions with, don't walk with someone to pickup their daughter when you don't even like them. and stop blaming all your failed relationships on a girl's fragile heart that you are holding. i don't think you're a bad person, i think you have a lot of potential.. i just hope you can find it too. x

in every universe, in every future, i hope i find my way back to bee. that we can enjoy a decaf cortado after every meal, that we can order everything and eat till we feel sick, that we can wait 10+ hours for a delayed flight and still be okay because we're together. with my whole heart, i pray i choose her. i find her again. that i fall in love with her again-- it's her.. isn't it 😔

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