piplupmaya

[piplupmaya]

I cannot stand to see someone suffer in untruth. True, i do not know you well, but I do know this:

You are not perfect, no doubt you have done bad

You are not evil, no doubt you have done good

The fact that you recognize your wrongdoings means that you are good even in the smallest extent

The fact that you are human means that you deserve care

The fact that you are human means that no matter what, you can get better, in regards to how you feel, and possible wrongdoings

The fact that you feel this bad means you need to get better, evil or not

uh huh. unfortunately, getting better isnt something thats going to happen through incessant messaging, its going to take a parallel universe where my life isnt falling to shit and slipping through my hands as if it isnt my own damn fault. i regret to inform you the truth of your words doesnt matter, and that simply insisting i deserve love and care changes nothing. im still fucked and spiralling regardless.

[piplupmaya]

I have never wasted a word, I give it all intentionally and my words have been heard. I do not waste them on you, I give my word freely to you, that is not a waste. I do not waste my breath telling that truth of what you are.

damn i was right mostly, can i ask why you have used anon so much? and why you feel so strongly about this? im a single person, insignificant in every right. why care so much? do you really have nothing else to do?

[piplupmaya]

You are wasting no-one's time, you are not insufferable! That's just plain untrue. You are good and I guarantee there have been times where you have been good! And you don't deserve to be hated.

side note but im definitely being insufferable by making post after post like this and subjecting you to this bullshit as we speak. might go back and tag all these so people can filter the tag out and not deal with me being like this.

again, how can you claim to know me enough to guarantee i have been good? how can you say with any certainty that i dont deserve to be hated?

[piplupmaya]

Yes, I, in fact, do want to and will sit here and attempt to convince you that you are worthy of care. I will feel better once you get out of this pit of despair, I will feel better once you get to see that you deserve care.

this "pit" is a void with no end in any direction. there are not people to care about me in the way i need. tbh if anything i expect to just slowly get worse day by day until i get to move back to college and get the hell out of my parents house. doesnt help that im watching my life dreams and stuff fall to shit further and further, day by day.

[piplupmaya]

I have never wasted a breath nor word in my existence. You cannot make me hate you, nor forget you. I will remember how wonderous of a person you were, because you are one.

wondrous? really? and there is literally no way you have never wasted a breath nor word in your existence, not only is that impossible but youre doing so currently

[piplupmaya]

So, you understand that your self-hatred comes from a place of ill-logic? Then you must understand why i insist against it! You do not deserve the hatred. You are not what you think you are, you are a good person.

god forbid emotion not be perfectly logical all the time, yes i know im being fucking stupid and wasting peoples time and being insufferable. hating myself not always being logical doesnt mean i dont deserve to be hated though, ive been a horrible piece of shit for like my entire life. ive never succeeded at being a good person no matter how much i try. im just not one.

[piplupmaya]

There's a funny thing about me: I will talk this wall down, I don't care. I won't move on until you see what I see. People regret decisions all the time, and there are a large amount of people who seem to regret everything. But that does not make them undeserving of care, nor does it make you.

do you really want to sit here and do this night after night while nothing changes in my mind? you get nothing from this. youd probably feel a lot better if you put your device down and did literally anything other than try to convince me to see myself as deserving care.

[piplupmaya]

Why might one be insistent on this? It's because it's true. You deserve care. You are cared. People care about you because you are good. I'm not saying that you're perfect, but I am saying that you are not such a hated person that you deserve to sit in a dark corner and cry alone. You deserve company. You deserve to think, at minimal, that you are not ontologically, intrinsically evil and unloveable.

sorry but i definitely think itll be easier to convince people to think of me as "intrinsically evil and unlovable" than to convince myself of it not being the case. you deserve better than to sit here and waste words on me. just hate me or forget about me and move on, please

[piplupmaya]

I think that you're a good person and that it's a shame you don't think so.

Sure, everyone has faults, I'm not saying that you're "perfect" or "free of wrongdoing" or whatever else, but you are far from the horrible way you seem to portray yourself.

yes, its a shame im mentally ill hate myself to this extent. at least we agree there. its funny though because every time i reflect on any of my life i can say i regret pretty much every single decision, and i regret ever opening my mouth any time i say anything.

if you get tired of trying to talk to this wall though youre free to stop sending asks, and then well all be free to move on with our lives.

[piplupmaya]

Nobody's been tricked, or deceived. You are amazing. i say that out of unfiltered truth.

who are you to be so determined, and how can you say you really know me? isnt all any of us know of anyone what we choose to show each other? that is to say, maybe not deceived but i dont feel like you really know me if you see any good or worth tbh

[piplupmaya]

you are a wondrous person and there's no convincing me otherwise

my condolences

[piplupmaya]

Well now that's quite an odd sense of logic. If I didn't believe what i was saying, I wouldn't say it! If I believed you were a bad person, I would say it, and I do not believe that, because you're not a bad person!

you would be utterly shocked upon learning how many people say things they dont believe.

[piplupmaya]

yeah

i wish i had a girlfriend please im so lonely

[piplupmaya]

i wish i had a girlfriend please im so lonely

[piplupmaya]

you have not tricked anyone but yourself. you tricked yourself into beliving that you're not deserving of affection and love, but you are!!!

why are (however many of you that keep anon'ing me) so insistent upon this its just not true and its not worth the effort to keep trying to convince me

actually i dont really understand this but why use anon anyway? its just making it feel like im arguing with someone that doesnt actually believe what theyre saying and they dont want to be attributed to that or something

[piplupmaya]

You're smart and intelligent and priceless and important and skilled and strong and brave and powerful and confident and efficient and beautiful and fun!!!!!!!

i mean no to all of those but efficient is an interesting one to include there

[piplupmaya]

I care about you, actually

my condolences