piratejoe-blog

[piratejoe-blog]

The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart

Pyrrha: *calling home from Beacon* Mom, do you have any recipes you can send from Mistral? My teammates always do the cooking and I want to make something for them!

Mama Nikos: Of course, dear! I’ll send you some Mistrali favorites!

Later that day…

Pyrrha: *wearing a spear-patterned apron, sets down a platter of food in front of her teammates* Here you go! A Mistrali special, with a couple Nikos adjustments for fun! 😉

Nora: *whispers* I don’t want to hurt Pyrrha’s feelings, but does this even look edible to you?

Ren: *shudders* Not even a little!

Pyrrha: *watching her team not touching their food* 😥

Jaune: *notices his partner’s distress and takes a deep breath, then digs into the questionable Nikos food* 🍴😫

Jaune: *glurk!* 🤢

Jaune: *struggling to avoid throwing up or visibly wincing* T-this is d-delicious, Pyrrha! Ren, Nora, can…can I have yours if you’re not hungry?

Ren/Nora: *staring in horror* Oh gods, he actually swallowed it!!! 😱

Pyrrha: You really liked it, Jaune? 😃 🥰

Jaune: 😰*through gritted teeth, trying to hold back vomit* 🥲 Of course! *hurp!* Thanks, Pyrrha! Can we *ourp* have this again later?

Pyrrha: Of course! Since you like it so much, every Tuesday from here on will be Mistrali dinner night, special for Jaune! 😊

Jaune: *inside* 😨 I’m going to die! I’ve seen the face of death and it has a cute red ponytail and an apron!

Jaune: *out loud* That sounds awesome! I can’t wait!

———————————————————————

About a year later…

Jaune: *eating Mistrali food again because it’s Tuesday* Thanks again for cooking Pyrrha!

Pyrrha: 😊 *practically glowing* He likes my cooking!

Pyrrha: Of course! Now eat up! I made it with extra protein since we’re doing strength training this week!

Pyrrha: *practically skips back to the kitchen to clean up* 🥰

Jaune: *eating happily* Isn’t it weird how much Pyrrha’s improved her cooking since last year?

Nora: *not touching her plate* Jaune-Jaune, you know I love you, but are you on drugs right now?

Ren: If anything, Pyrrha’s cooking skills have actually gotten WORSE, if that’s even possible…

Jaune: What? Come on, there’s nothing wrong with this food! It just needs a little salt, at most! I think Pyrrha’s cooking is great!

Nora: That’s because you got together-together with Pyrrha last year and love has made you stupid! 😑

Ren: I knew love was blind, but apparently it has no sense of taste either…😒

Jaune: *taking both their plates and adding it to his own* You guys have no appreciation for fine Mistrali cuisine!

———————————————————————

Another year down the road…

Nora: We finally made it to Mistral!

Pyrrha: *excitedly pulling Jaune by the hand* I can’t wait to show you around! I missed being back home so much! Let’s go eat lunch at a local restaurant I know! Oh, I hope the menu hasn’t changed too much…!

JNPR: *all line up and place their orders*

Pyrrha: Oh, I’m so excited for my team to try the food I grew up with! I’ve done my best to make it for you every Tuesday!

Nora: *immediately chowing down* Mmmh! This is GREAT!

Ren: I must say, Mistrali food is delicious!

Pyrrha: *happily enjoying the food she missed from her childhood* Mmmm…! So much better than I can make it…! ☺️

Jaune: *carefully chewing*

Pyrrha: What do you think of it, Jaune?

Jaune: …

Jaune: …Pyrrha, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I like this…

Pyrrha: What…?

Nora: Seriously? This stuff is AWESOME!!!

Ren: I agree! This might be the best meal I’ve had in weeks.

Jaune: I’m sorry! It’s just…well…

Pyrrha: *deflating* Just what, Jaune?

Jaune: It’s just that Pyrrha makes it so much better!

_NPR: …

Ren/Nora: W H A T…?

Jaune: I mean, I don’t want to be a rude tourist, but I guess I just assumed Mistrali food was all as good as Pyrrha’s cooking, you know?

Jaune: I guess this stuff is okay, but…Pyrrha, would you mind making dinner later? I think I like it better the way you do it.

Ren: Jaune, you do realize that this restaurant is literally world-renowned for making incredible Mistrali food?

Jaune: Well…yeah, I guess, but I still think Pyrrha’s version is better!

Pyrrha: *at a loss for words* …I… 😳

Pyrrha: *sniffles* 🥹 …of course, Jaune. I’ll make as much as you want!

Nora: I’ve drank syrup straight from the bottle that was less sweet than this! Kiss him already!

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The Language of Dovah

Dragon!Pyrrha: Okay, one more time! From here! *puts hand on her middle*

Jaune: *deep breath*

Jaune: Fus…ro…DAH!!! *blasts training dummy back a few feet*

Dragon!Pyrrha: Good job, Jaune! *politely applauds*

Jaune: Oh! I found out about another shout in the library! Let me show you!

Dragon!Pyrrha: 🙂?

Jaune: *deep breath*

Jaune: Joor…zah…FRUL!! (Dragonrend)

Dragon!Pyrrha: *suddenly yanked forward off her feet, bowling Jaune over and landing on top of him*

Jaune: 😳

Dragon!Pyrrha: 😳

????: …aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA….

Dragon!Pyrrha: Do you hear that?

Dragon!Yang: *yanked through a window and hurtling towards Arkos couple in a shower of glass/debris*

Dragon!Yang: …AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!

Jaune/Pyrrha: 😨 AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

*massive impact*

[piratejoe-blog]

Werewolf Pyrrha: The Morning After

Inspired by/continuing from @lwde-encrusted-sideblog ‘s post

Pyrrha: *now in her human phase* 😴

Pyrrha: *stretches and groans a bit* Mmmm…! I had the most LOVELY dream…! ☺️ I finally confessed my feelings to Jaune and we had the tenderest, most romantic kisses ever! We went on a date and held hands and I put my head on his shoulder during the movie and-

Jaune: *groans*

Pyrrha: *eyes snap open at the closeness of the sound*

Pyrrha: *naked, wrapped around equally-naked Jaune as the big spoon in her den/bed*

Pyrrha: 😳 *high-pitched embarrassed squeak*

Jaune: Nnnng…Pyrrha…? Are you awake…?

Pyrrha: …y-yes…?

Jaune: *slowly rolls over with another groan of pain* …good…(ow)…morning, Pyr…! 🤕

Pyrrha: *gasps* Oh my goodness! What happened to you?! You’re all bruised and cut! A-and are those TEETH MARKS?! Oh no, are those MY teeth marks?! 😰

Jaune: *carefully feels bruised/slightly-bloody marks on his neck and collarbone* Y-yeah…your wolf side got a little…aggressive…last night…Good thing for Aura, huh?

Pyrrha: *starting to cry* Oh no! I was afraid this would happen! I can’t believe that I turned and actually ATTACKED my own partner! W-what if I had killed you?! I’m so sorry! You must never want to see me again!! 😭

Jaune: …well…you didn’t exactly attack-attack me…?

Pyrrha: …w-what…?

Jaune: *blushes a bit* It was more like you…um…aggressively mated with me…

Jaune: To be honest it was kinda…nice? It was my first time so I’m not sure how it should’ve gone. I would prefer less biting pressure next time, though!

Pyrrha: …

Pyrrha: *pink*

Pyrrha: *red*

Pyrrha: *dark red*

Pyrrha: *very dark red*

Pyrrha: *very, very dark red*

Pyrrha: …oh gods, I didn’t confess to my crush, I turned into a wolf and violently fucked him!!

Jaune: So…are we going steady now? Wanna get brunch?

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Jaune/Pyrrha: *collapse onto the bed, sweaty and spent*

Jaune: Whew! That was fantastic!

Pyrrha:Mmm…it sure was…! *rolls over and closes her eyes*

Jaune: Hey! You can’t go to sleep now!

Pyrrha: *eyes still closed* Mmm…why not…?

Jaune: You know that you’re the strongest one on this team! Do you know what happens if you go to sleep now?

Pyrrha: *nuzzles into her pillow* Cardin sneaks in, bonks me over the head with his mace, and takes my place as the top student…!

Jaune: Exactly!

Pyrrha: *yawns* Well then…I suppose there’s no way to stop it…! 🥱

Jaune: *rolls away* Well, I wash my hands of the whole affair! 😤

Jaune: I’ll be sure to write a lovely poem for your funeral!

Pyrrha: You know…you could lock the door! Perhaps keep the jealous high school bully at bay…!

Jaune: No…no…I’m starting to like this poem idea! 🤔

Jaune: *clears his throat* “Here lies Pyrrha, my beloved, my autumn flower…!”

Jaune: “…somewhat less attractive now that she’s all gross and corpseified!”

Pyrrha: *hits Jaune with her pillow while simultaneously snort-laughing* 😂

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Pyrrha: *sick in bed with the flu*

Jamie (Arkos kid): *at Bumblebee house playing video game while his mom is sick*

Nala (Bumblebee daughter): *playing against Jamie* So, your mom’s still sick? You don’t think maybe she’s going to have a baby, do you?

Jamie: I asked my dad, and he said if mom was having a baby she’d look like she swallowed a watermelon whole.

Jamie: …and that’s when mom creamed him with her pillow!

Jamie: Dad says mom must be feeling better.

Nala: …you have weird parents.

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Adult JNPR: *on a mission fighting bandits*

Shay D Man: *gets disarmed and charged by Pyrrha*

Pyrrha: *winds up her spear* Here comes the airplane! Woosh, woosh, woosh…!

Shay D Man: …

Bandits: …

JN_R: …

Pyrrha: …I’m sorry, my husband and I have twin toddlers…

Pyrrha: …I am SO VERY tired…! 😩

[piratejoe-blog]

The Burden of Fame

Jaune: *sips his drink*…and then Weiss said “Stardust, away!” and left both Yang and Ruby stuck in the ice!

Pyrrha: *wearing a disguise of fake glasses, a beanie, and her hair in a bun* Oh, I wish I could’ve seen that! We were all so silly back in our first year! 🤣 *quickly finishes her beer*

Jaune: Hey, better not drink too fast! Don’t want anyone to see the Invincible Girl get drunk in public!

Pyrrha: *fixes her fake glasses* Oh, don’t worry so much! I’m wearing a clever disguise after all! 🥸

Jaune: Sorry! Sometimes the ol’ anxiety acts up…

Pyrrha: *leans against him* Well mister, good thing your Invincible Girlfriend is here to chase the anxiety away!

Jaune: 😘 Well, how could I ever-

Paparazzo: Pyrrha Nikos! If I could just ask a few questions!

Pyrrha: …oh great…so much for my clever disguise…

Jaune: Uh, do you mind? We’re kind of on a date here-

Paparazzo: *interrupting and talking quickly* Miss Nikos, is it true that you’re sneaking around with this mystery man and keeping your relationship secret from your fans?

Jaune: Hey! That’s kinda rude to ask-

Pyrrha: *trying to tune out the questions* 😑

Paparazzo: Are you in disguise because you’re ashamed to be seen with your current boyfriend, or is it possible that there is another person involved?

Pyrrha: 😤

Jaune: I’m RIGHT HERE! And Pyrrha would never-

Paparazzo: And is it true that you have yet to meet this mystery man’s family? Is it because you plan to break up soon?

Jaune: Hey! That’s very rude and very personal!

Pyrrha: *thinking* Oh, I’d hoped Jaune and I could have a regular night out together without being bothered like this! Stupid celebrity gossip!!

Pyrrha: I’ve always tried to be polite to these interviews, but this man is ruining my evening! It’s time I put a stop to this once and for all!

Pyrrha: What would my friends do in this situation? 🤔

Jaune: …Pyrrha, are you okay?

Pyrrha: *calmly reaches for her beer bottle*

Pyrrha: *flips her hand over and grips the bottle neck like a club*

———————————————————————

Jaune: …and then I used my one phone call to call you.

Mama Arc: *arms folded, looking through the bars of holding cell* 🤨

Pyrrha: *absolutely mortified, face in her hands*🫣 I’m never taking advice from Yang or Nora ever again!

Mama Arc: *sighs* This is not how I pictured meeting my son’s girlfriend…

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When Dad’s Not Home

Pyrrha: *in her spear-patterned apron* Here you go! One of your mom’s favorites!

Arkos Kid #1: Thanks mom, but uh…

Arkos Kid #2: …what is it?

Pyrrha: It’s organic oatmeal, softened overnight with yogurt and some vanilla protein powder for a little extra flavor and to promote strong muscles! 😉

Pyrrha: I call it…Prot-meal! 😁

Arkos Kid #1: *whispering* How long until dad gets back from his mission? I’m not sure how much longer I can eat mom’s cooking…😰

Arkos Kid #2: *whispering back* Another week at least…!

Pyrrha: *grinning proudly at her mastery of the culinary arts* 😁

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A Favor Between Friends

Yang: Hey, P-money! Vomit Boy! Can I ask you a favor?

Pyrrha: Oh, of course, Yang!

Jaune: What’s up?

Yang: Can you watch my kids this weekend? Blake and I want to have a weekend to ourselves.

Jaune: Sure, no problem!

Pyrrha: Especially since we owe you and Blake a favor already!

Yang: Thanks a bunch! You guys are lifesav-wait, what favor are you talking about?

Pyrrha: Oh, you know, about a month ago?

Yang: Uh… not really?

Jaune: Didn’t we tell you we made a baby in your bathroom?

Yang: You WHAT?!

Pyrrha: …let’s just call it two favors!

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Family Pictures

Pyrrha: *at a mission briefing* …and here she is at a month old, being held by Jaune! Doesn’t she have his eyes? We were a bit surprised when we found out about her before Jaune and I even graduated, but I wouldn’t trade our family for the world! 🥰

Ozpin: *looking around baby pictures being held in his face* …very cute, miss Nikos, but if we can get back to the mission…

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: *holding more photos* Oh! And this is her first birthday! She may have Jaune’s eyes, but she definitely has the Nikos redhead! See her trying to blow on the candle with her father’s help? 🥰

Lisa Lavender: Oh, how cute! Can we get a camera close-up?

Talk Show Audience: AWWWWWW!!!!😍

Lisa Lavender: …but seriously, can we talk about your combat career? That’s what this show was supposed to be about.

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: *going through a photo album* Here’s another one of my daughter meeting her new brother for the first time! She didn’t quite understand how the process worked, but when she saw him she just demanded to hold him too! Isn’t that the cutest?

Cordovin: Yes, but if we could please focus on the topic at hand? The Branwen tribe has resurfaced and Argus is under threat!

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: *scrolling through gallery*…she was so nervous at first about the water, but here she is just a month later in her little swim team uniform! She was so proud! 😁

Raven: *disheveled and bruised after furious battle with RWBYJNPR* …my kid was cuter…!

Yang: Mom, can you just not?

——————————————————————

Pyrrha: *holding up her scroll with video playing*…and they just climbed right onto Jaune the second he got home! Here’s my son holding up his little toy sword like he’s a knight and he’s slain his daddy! 🥰

Tyrian: *beaten up and at zero aura* ????

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: …and my son decided swim team wasn’t for him after all, but he’s interested in how our weapons transform, so we’re trying to get him to try out some basic engineering clubs!

Mantle Moms: Aww!/So adorable!/My son tried the same thing!

Jaune: *waiting with the Mantle kids* Pyrrha, I can’t hold up traffic any longer! Can we do this later?

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: …so my daughter is starting next week at Beacon, and my son just got awarded a scholarship to an engineering school where he’s going to specialize in robotics! *points at photo* He’s the blonde on the left without the beard! The other one is actually my husband! Don’t they look alike?

Salem: *impaled and beginning to evaporate at the end of a climactic battle* Such an adorable family! Let me get my album out and show you my girls!

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Pyrrha: *sitting at a hockey game with Jaune, trying to build up courage to say “I love you” for the first time* 😣

Pyrrha: I’m sorry, Jaune…you’re probably wondering why I’ve been so quiet all night…

Jaune: …uh…well…

Literally a minute earlier…

Pyrrha: *on her feet and hammering on the glass* HEY REF!! GO GET THE ****** REMOVED FROM YOUR ***** AND MAYBE YOU’LL MAKE A DECENT CALL FOR ONCE IN YOUR ****ING LIFE!!!! 🤬

Jaune:

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Dragon Pyrrha: Ye Olden Days

Grandmaster Knight: I thought I told you to take care of the fearsome red dragon atop Mount Darkspear!

Trainee Knight Jaune: I did! Her name is Pyrrha and she likes dark chocolate! 😁

Dragon!Pyrrha: *holding Jaune’s hand* 🙂👋

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Weiss: *going through her things* …that’s strange, I can’t find my sword anywhere!

Jaune: Weird, I can’t find mine either!

Pyrrha: *shifting guiltily* Maybe you should retrace your steps? 😅

Neptune: Y-yeah! It’s not like someone got hormonal and upset, magnetically banged them together, and quietly sent them to be sharpened before the owners noticed! 😅

Pyrrha: *elbows Neptune in the ribs* 😁

Jaune: …let’s go retrace our steps!

Weiss: Good idea. *walks away with Jaune*

Pyrrha: *turns to Neptune* Neptune, you CAN NOT tell Jaune or Weiss that I damaged their swords in a fit of pregnancy brain! 😡

Neptune: Pyrrha, you know I can’t keep secrets from Weiss!

Neptune: She scares me! 😰

Pyrrha: *grabs Neptune’s lapels and pulls his face close* Neptune, Weiss is a 105-pound rich girl from a pampered neighborhood with a cake butler, and I am a six-foot pregnant gladiator from the Argus block who over the next eight months will become progressively angrier and fatter!

Pyrrha: …now who do you think you should be more afraid of? 😡

Neptune: …the fatty? 🤨

Pyrrha: *pats his cheek* Smart boy! 😉

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Werewolf Pyrrha AU: Shopping

Jaune: *shopping with Yang* …let’s see…I’ve got new socks for the boys…chicken for dinner like Pyrrha asked…aaaaaaand…ah! Here we go!

Jaune: *pulls two child harnesses off the shelf*

Yang: What the hell, Jaune? Are you seriously going to put your kids on leashes?!

Jaune: Yang, I get where you’re coming from, but let me paint you a picture…!

———————————————————————

Jaune: *walking Arkos twins to the park* Okay, boys, now stay where your dad can see you okay…?

Arkos kids: *transforming into werewolf pups and sprinting away*

Jaune: Boys nO WAIT!!!!!

———————————————————————

Yang: …okay, I suppose that’s a special case.

Jaune: Yeah, that’s what Pyrrha said.

Jaune: …how are Blake and your kids doing, by the way?

———————————————————————

Yang: *sleeping peacefully*

Bumblekittens: *stealthily creep closer*

Bumblekittens: *pounce on sleeping Yang*

Yang: *jerked awake by assault of sharp kitten teeth* SON of a-!!!!

———————————————————————

Yang: Thanks for reminding me! *grabs bandages*

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DeadPyr:

Adam: *tosses tied-up Jaune on the ground*

Jaune: Oof! What do you assholes want?!

Cinder: *crouches down in front of Jaune* Don’t worry, blondie, we’re not going to hurt you. You’re just bait for your girlfriend, Pyrrha!

Jaune: My girlfriend is dead!

Cinder: Yeah…see, that’s what I thought! But she just keeps coming back!

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: *at the laundromat, trying to scrub bloodstains from her suit*

Maria Calavera: *doing her laundry beside Pyrrha* Use lemon juice and baking soda to clean blood out of clothes.

Pyrrha: 😲

Maria: …idiot…

———————————————————————

Garbage Truck: *pulls up beside shady hideout building*

Pyrrha: *half climbs, half falls out the back*

Pyrrha: Thanks for the ride! Sorry for bleeding all over your garbage!

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: *tearing through a hideout of bandits*

Vernal/Shay D Man: *run to safe room and slam the door behind them*

Pyrrha: *trying to break into safe room* Come on! It’s my anniversary today and I’m running late! 😫

———————————————————————

Neo: *behind the bar* So you’re back from the dead, huh? Have you told your boyfriend?

Pyrrha: No…! I’m terrified of what he’ll say when he sees my face…😭

Neo: Oh, come on, how bad can it-

Pyrrha: *pulls back her hood, revealing her scars*

Neo: WHOA!! Your face looks like an avocado face-fucked a topographic map! 😨

Pyrrha: Thank you…😑

Neo: It must’ve been serious hate-fucking…there was something wrong in the relationship…😰

Pyrrha: Thank you…😓

Neo: I’m sorry, but you look…haunting…!

Pyrrha: *face on the table*…thank you…😭

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: *smashes phone down* AAAARGH!!!

Neo: Shit, they’ve got Jaune?!

Pyrrha: …I need guns!

Neo: Which guns?

Pyrrha: ALL OF THE GUNS!!! 🤬

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: Okay…I need your help…! They’ve got Jaune! 😓

Nora/Ren: 🤨

Ren: All right, but in return we’d like you to consider joining us!

Pyrrha: Okay…FINE…

Pyrrha: *muttering as she turns away* …it’s funny…all the other teams have four members, but I only ever see two of you…

Pyrrha: …it’s almost like the writer was too lazy to add more characters…

———————————————————————

Pyrrha: *standing on Cinder’s body*

Cinder: 😵

Pyrrha: …I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…

Pyrrha: …Oh my gods, what the hell am I going to say to him?!?!

Ren: *turning away* Well, you’d better think of something quick…!

Nora: 🤭

Pyrrha: What…? *turns around*

Jaune: 😡

Pyrrha: 😱

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Arkos: NNN

Weiss: …really? You’re doing that ridiculous “No Nut November” challenge? Isn’t that something the boys usually do?

Pyrrha: Don’t tell Jaune, but I figured that if the boys can do it, it can’t be that difficult. 🙄

Jaune: *waving Mantle kids through the crosswalk*

Jaune: *suddenly rushes forward* Hey…! HEY!!!

Jaune: *heroically jumps between a car and Mantle kids* Hey, watch what you’re doing!! This is a school zone!

Pyrrha: Wow, he’s so protective of the children! 🥰

Pyrrha: …good thing I’m strong enough to resist-

Jaune: *turns away, rolling up his sleeves* 😤

Pyrrha: 😳

Weiss: *sips her coffee, watching Pyrrha’s growing thirst* 😒

Weiss: …Pyrrha…?

Pyrrha: …yes, Weiss…? 🥵

Weiss: …you’re weak.

Pyrrha: 😖

Pyrrha: …I AM!!! 😫

Pyrrha: *runs off* JAUNE!!!

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Pyrrha: You know, I used to be a huntress student like all of you…

Pyrrha: …until I took an arrow in the knee! 😂

Everyone: 😭

Jaune: *hugs her* Pyrrha, no! 😫