pissmood

[pissmood]

i feel like i miss out on so much in life. i find it hard to talk to people, i almost never go put of my way to message people first and rarely respond to people who message me. in turn i get invited to nothing, im never asked to do anything. at least i guess thats the reason. and then the few times i do get invited i just literally cant even go. i either have to work early the next morning or bf does and i dont hve a ride. no one likes me enough to come to get me or bring me back and i dont make enough money to uber all the time. idk. i wish people wanted to be around me.

[pissmood]

hehe im bad at writing daily but thats okay. i think as long as i just wright occasionally then its working out

but today i told wyatt i wanna go on a big vacation for my bday next year and were thinking of going to aruba OWO super exciting!! im going to try to save up money. i just got a call to start working at spirit halloween too so having a few months of extra income is gonna br cool! i just need to work on spending less hehe

[pissmood]

today is also pretty rocky so far. i had a job interview at jimmy johns and they hired me on the spot lol. i walked over to ross to get my schedule for the week and found out i DONT in fact have off until wednesday like i thought i did. im gonna see how jimmy johns is and if i like it more i might just quit without notice at ross. im honestly just sick of working lol i hate having a job.

[pissmood]

i think i forgot to update yesterday

anyway yesterday kind of sucked i woke up from a bad dream and i fucked up my hair using the punky color color off. shit was in my hair less than 15 minutes and FRIED it hard core. then wyatt and his dad built furniture.

[pissmood]

just went through my photos on my phone and looked at all the different screenshots of people being sweet to me and it made me really sentimental. i do have a lot of good memories with people! i think the cutest part is reading over some of the texts with wyatt and him saying he xant wait to see how we grow as a couple and thinking back to how we were in the beginning to now. we were both getting out of terrible relationships when we started talking, both of us so easily triggered or made upset by even the most mundane things because of how toxic our old partners were. im glad neither of us backed out of the rocky start because this is the best relationship ive ever been in and hopefully ever will be in. we never argue or be cold to each other, anything that comes up is dealt with quickly, and we both communicate our needs and apologize when we need to. theres no weird sense of pride or superiority, just honesty and openness. its really really great and im so glad i have him.

[pissmood]

today nothing interesting happened. my stomach has been hurting most of the day, but beyond that nothing bad happened :) i slept in really late because of it but oh well

tori texted me this really sweet message about how shes proud of me and how far ive come and it made my day. we’re going to the zoo with her kid on tuesday which im excited for!!

i cleaned the bathroom and kitchen and finally finished nagatoro lol. i painted my nails and made the feta pasta. super yummy and its nice to focus on things i enjoy doing!

i really just want to focus more on things i like. i consider watching anime and cooking to be hobbies but ive really just been sitting in bed watching tiktoks and ordering food to much, so even if im still just watching something its still /different/ lol, like just mindlessly scrolling is probably frying my brain LMFAOOO. maybe i should start limiting screen time djdkwkksk

[pissmood]

actually isnt this the actual use for tumblr? im micro blogging. im blogging my feelings.

[pissmood]

goals for tomorrow

1. clean the toilet!!!

2. do more fucking laundry

3. finish nagatoro

[pissmood]

alright day 2 lets go

im super sleepy tonight i hardly even want ti write but im trying to build a habit here!!

today was really good! i did an assload of laundry, played some Cattails, and hung out with Alyssa! i got to meet her boyfriend and he seemed like a great guy. we (attempted to) watched the meteor shower but it rained really hard earlier so it was ultra cloudy. we also went to red fish and i got some sushi :3 we stayed out until 12 am and me and wyatt are driving home now. i didnt see any meteors but thats okay, i had a great time seeing my friend!

[pissmood]

hmm might as well throw up some goals for tomorrow too. im just going with the flow here hehe.

1. start in on the big ass pile of laundry

2. clean the toilet

3. enjoy spending time with alyssa

4. write here again.

[pissmood]

i think a good thing to do would be to make multiple entries a day. one about my entire day, and one about only things that made me happy. maybe some other stuff too, im just googling journal prompts LOL. if the goal is to be happier, or at least more okay more often, i should talk about what brought me joy.

so today what made me happiest was eating ice cream! wyatt wasnt in the store with me so i hd to make one for him and he really liked what i picked out for him! i got green tea ice cream dipoed in dark chocolate and for him i got coffee, dipped in milk chocolate with hazelnuts! it was sooo yummy.

another thing that made me happy was scrolling through recipes to make and getting some ingredients for them at the grocery store with wyatt. i love cooking, and i especially love cooking for him :)! he likes everything ive made and i love being able to cook and having someone else be there to try it.

[pissmood]

basically im just going to use this as a mood tracker and journal bc everythibg in the app store costs money that i dont have bc my account is $-300 because the hotel charges are still pending on my account! i dont really want to use an app anyway because what if i dont end up liking it? and most of them are like $30 a year or some shit and its stupid to me. every time im at work i look at the journal section and think about buying one but for some reason im scared. what if someone i know reads it? of course thats always an option here but idk, something about typing into the void seems safer because i have plausible deniability that its me, plus i can just delete a tumblr easily. plus the idea of strangers reading about my thoughts and my day is weirdly therapeutic sounding. maybe someone new will reach out and i’ll make a friend. probably not, but the chance is not 0.

anyway today was pretty okay. im 2 days in to my week off of work. i took a week off because ive been feeling overwhelmed and my partner said he doesnt mind. i didnt do a single thing today. just played around on my phone, didnt even play a video game, unless you count shining nikki lol. side note, im absolutely obsessed with nikki, theres a new event going in game and her dialogue makes me think she’s autistic which is probably why i love her so much lol. but yea, mainly just hung around all day, i put on lingerie because i thought my bf would like it, which he did, but idk i was hoping for something more romantic than what happened but oh well. after that i had a job interview at an ice cream shop, and i tried it out while i was there and it was delicious. then we went grocery shopping and went down every isle :). after getting home we ate snacks and i watched more tiktoks. i saw one that was like “POV: u grew up with a single mom in the early 2000s” and it showed a bunch of pics that really reminded me of my mom. it made me sad. ive been missing her a lot lately, i dont know why. i just wish i could talk to her, maybe see if being 24 was this fucking hard and desperate feeling for her too. idk. and then me and my partner were just talking about whatever and he mentioned how much he just doesnt want to do anything, and it made me realize how much i force him to do stuff with me. he never complained about it and when i brought it up he said he doesnt really mind, but i want to do better for him. i always ask him to take me places and do things with me on his days off, and i need to give him space to breathe. he works way harder than i ever could, and i dont really let him rest. i mean im taking a whole week off after we ALREADY took a weekend together to see my family because im so burnt out and stressed, i need to let him have time to do nothing too. i meed to respect his time and space like he does for me. i know he said he doesnt mind running errands eith me on his off days but idk. i just want to do right by him.

basically im just writing all this stuff down because i need to be able to self reflect, i meed to be able to get this all out and i dont know how else to do it. i want to write here about my day every day. ive been so overwhelmed recently and maybe this will help. maybe seeing it all written out will make me realize its not that bad and im just being a dramatic baby about everything. but yea i just want to be able to liveblog my life LMAO. tomorrow should be fun because me and my partner are going to my friends house to watch the meteor shower. very excited about that :).