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jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

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in honor of the best Dropout clip of all time

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On conservation and survival

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I'm going to *remembers suicide jokes are detrimental to my mental health* quit my job and start making shoes for American Girl Dolls

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i can handle one (1) Event™ per day. whether it be a phone call, an appointment, trip to the grocery store, play date with a friend, etc. only one, that's it. any more than that and i am Stressed

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oh wtf. hi. haven't seen u in a while. how have u been?

My presence on tumblr has been inversely proportional to my mental health since the pandemic. So yeah, I’ve been having a menty B lately that’s why I’m back but other than that, I’m okay! 👍

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i hate fatigueee its so stupid. ohh when im home i'll do this or that Nope. replacing all of your bones with pure titanium now. Goodbye

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love it when my friends say "you would do numbers on Tumblr" buddy I am on Tumblr. and the number is 3

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saru brother

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lying on the floor. well everything will be okay in the end i think

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this post's hypothetical by itself is already ridiculous but the thing that gets me is how the wording implies two very funny things that become funnier in tandem

1. "Accidentally, the pitcher tosses a Christian baby" means this is a mistake on the pitcher's part. i imagine the pitcher is breastfeeding on the field and they pitch and they look down at their hands and they see the ball still in the glove and they go "fuck"

2. hitting the baby will still win you the game

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the aging head of state is in seclusion after catching the plague. his advisors are convenening against him. His strongest rival, the deposed former ruler, is mustering forces after a failed assassination plot. Rumors abound that he may be forced to abdicate his throne, leaving an untested hier to face these crises.... truely we live in the most crusader kings era of american politics.

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ursula k le guin said sci fi/fantasy does not have to be about giant wars or battles of good and evil or galactic disaster; it is best served as a lens through which to examine what is actually intrinsic to the human condition and what, once removed a few layers from our own perceptions & assumptions, begins to fall apart. and she was correct.