plain-eve - Tumblr blog

[plain-eve]

"Mana ada yang sempurna dalam dunia ni. Tahu kan?"

"Tahu."

[plain-eve]

Trying something new always makes us feel like we have never really grown up. After all this while, I am always humbled to be at my lowest back again. 

[plain-eve]

God please keep around me those with sincere hearts, so that I can keep my heart sincere as well.

When you meet people with ulterior intentions, they give you ideas of how twisted a person's mind and heart can be and how dirty and bad the world could be. It makes you become more conscious and suspicious of people, diminishing your trust towards others. It's hard to be sincere with people when you don't trust them. That's where real challenges come in. But God knows I'm not that strong. I would like to keep only those who are sincere towards me in my circle. Because I would like to be completely pure and sincere to these few precious people.

[plain-eve]

Bersyukur dengan hati. Meyakini bahawa setiap apa yang dimiliki adalah kepunyaan Allah yang dipinjamkan untuk sementara. Meyakini bahawa Allah is in control of everything from the moment we wake up in the morning to the moment we sleep at night, setiap urusan adalah dalam pengetahuan dan linkungan kuasanya. Jika ingin sesuatu, mintalah kepada Dia yang mencipta alam semesta, yang mengawal segalanya dari sekecil-kecil zarah. Tiada satu pun yang terlepas dari pandangan dan kekusasannya. Dia juga Tuhan yang Maha Penyayang, yang tetap memberi walau berapa banyak nikmat yang dikufuri. Yakinlah terhadap Tuhanmu yang penuh dengan ihsan dan belas kasihan. Sujudlah kepadaNya untuk setiap hembusan nafas yang dihela sampai ke hari ini.

[plain-eve]

To those who haven't met their love and are hoping for one: it is beautiful to be in love. But it's also beautiful to be with your family and friends for a very long time. Not everyone is granted a good friend, or a good family member. Not everyone is granted the luxury of being with them for a long time. To focus on what is right in front of you and make those around you happy, that is, to me, a happiness that could be even better than finding a romantic love.

[plain-eve]

Have you ever felt so insignificant that you just want to disappear? Like the world would just go on with or without you. You feel completely disconnected from the world around you and life just happens like you are not a part of it. It feels like your presence leaves no mark or trace in this world. You just feel so... insignificant that you want to disappear right away.

And then deep inside you just want someone to notice when you are gone. It means you presence is felt, if not valued. It means you were there, real in someone’s memory, if not missed.

 It means you are not that insignificant.

[plain-eve]

feelings

Feelings are not to be blamed. Whether happy, sad, angry, exhausted. Never feel as though your feelings are invalid so you try to deny them or suppress them to make them disappear. No they won’t. Feelings that you deny will only come back later in different, might be in worse form. You will burst without knowing why. Feelings are not at fault. They just makes you human, makes you you. What matters is your attitude in response to those feelings. If anything is to be blamed, it’s not your feeling but your attitude. What do you do to react, to handle or to make yourself feel better while keeping yourself sane. Many people try to be perfect by suppressing those negative feelings and acting as if those do not exist in them. Or they might be feeling so bad for feeling so bad. No. Acknowledge your feelings but come up with the best attitude possible. Accept that you’re not perfect and that you consists of good and bad. It’s okay to feel some negative, uncomfortable feeling. Face it. Ask yourself why you feel that way instead of beating yourself up over it. Try to understand yourself and accept not only your positivity on your good days but also your negativity on your bad days. 

Example: Despite feeling so hateful as though you want to kill someone (is the feeling) but in the end you don’t (is the right act/attitude). Even though you shouldn’t feel that much hate, don’t deny them. Accept them and figure out why and how so that you can treat them.

April 19th, 2020

Love, EVE.

[plain-eve]

stagnant

Stagnant is my galaxy, right now.

But I feel content for the blessings,

of being able to see what really matters

among those revolving around me

now that everything stops.

[plain-eve]

law of attraction by me

This might be a lil bit delusional or outdated because I wrote this a long time ago. Might not be relevant anymore.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

You ever wonder why often people chase after someone who does not like them back, someone who does not return the same love and energy that they gave, someone who ignores and walks away instead of someone who loves them will all his/her heart, with awe and admiration of their beauty and imperfection, someone who cares so much about them, waits for them and makes extra effort all the way just for them?

One of the reasons that may explain this is because we humans tend to think of ourselves as less worthy than we actually are. Without realising it, we tend to reduce our value and self-worth because we know what is inside us, we know how we feel and what we think, our insecurities and flaws hidden inside. We see ourselves differently from how others see us. We tend to settle for less. We don’t think we deserve all the love and care from someone who thinks so highly of us because we cannot afford to accept their admiration of our worthless self. We can’t approve their judgement towards us because ours is the opposite. That is why you tend to chase after someone who does not see your worth. Because that’s how you see yourself. You think so highly of these people because you accept their judgement and you feel like you deserve that kind of treatment so you continue to do so. You tend to value someone more when they are better than you, at least in your mind. And for someone to be deemed as better than you from your own perspective, is when they look at you, it is as if they look at someone lower than them (not literally). The fact that you think yourself as less worthy makes you value that someone so much more. It’s relative. 

You are aware of the fact that your love is going to be unfulfilled but you still develop more feelings of admiration. Humans, they want things that they don’t have because the thoughts of having those things that they can only dream of is enough to fill their minds with beauty and fantasy. But you will only know the reality and the price you have to pay when you’re already there, living the dream but with more unexpected discoveries along the way. Some people who might have tried their best and are tired of rejections might discover something else. It depends. You’re lucky if you discover your self-worth along the way. You find out that you’re actually more than that, you deserve better and you should always prioritise yourself. That way, you’ll value someone who treats you right and love you as you are. 

This whole thing is depicting the law of attraction, if you notice. Opposite attracts. You can picture both sides are holding the end of a rope. When one pulls, one might release but when the other side is about to release, one might pull it back. But someone needs to pull, at least. The situation of when one might find the other person worthy, sometimes would depend on this law of attraction. Make use of it, peeps! 

This is actually incomplete but I’ll just leave it like this.

-- me observing love and relationship through the lenses of dramas, movies and real life altogether. Can’t help but to point this out.

February 2018

Love, EVE.

[plain-eve]

test

At some point in life, Allah might test you with something that is so unexpected, that has never crossed your mind. Have faith that everything happens for a reason. And for anything that Allah has taken away from you, or for any wishes that have never come true, have faith that there is even more hikmah behind it to which our knowledge is very limited. If you redha, Allah will grant you with thousands of good things at the right time, right place. Trust Him.

[plain-eve]

memori fasa kolej

Bear with my full malay please. I tulis karangan tau. 

Hari ini tanggal 14 Mei 2018. Hari berganti hari. Cepatnya masa berlalu. Menghitung hari untuk berakhirnya satu lagi fasa dalam hidup. Fasa kolej. Rasanya tempat ini tak ada lah besar sangat attachment dia dengan aku. Tetapi orangnya, memorinya serta pengalamannya sedikit sebanyak memberi impak yang agak besar, mengubah diriku serta menguatkan apa pendirianku dan siapa diriku sebenarnya, walaupun kita takkan pernah berhenti mencari. Hidup itu sendiri merupakan sebuah pencarian dan penemuan diri. “Selagi hidup bersama masa, maka selagi itu juga yang hidup itu dewasa bersama usia.” (Kutip sikit dari Hlovate legend zaman sekolah dulu-dulu) Maka, pencarian dan penemuan diri itu tidak akan terhenti selagi ada nyawa. 

Mengimbau kembali apa yang aku belajar di sini dan orang yang aku temui di sini, pengalaman itu tidak ternilai harganya. Tempat di mana aku boleh dikatakan temui sisi lain diri yang tak pernah aku tahu. Kalau dulu, aku orangnya keras, rigid dan punya hati kering. At least, I tried to appear so. Susah nak turunkan ego depan mana-mana manusia. Nak mengalirkan air mata depan orang, lagi lah payah. Sebab ego datang dari mana entah dari zaman sekolah dah janji nak melindungi diri kononnya.

Namun di sinilah tempat aku runtuhkan ego setinggi gunung. Sebab aku nak beri peluang kepada diri sendiri untuk cuba menjadi diri sendiri walau dalam keadaan apa sekali pun. Mungkin sebab dah penat nak sembunyikan diri dari dulu. Penat membuka peluang kepada orang lain sedangkan diri sendiri aku tak endah. Jadi di sinilah aku belajar untuk ‘stay true to yourself’ dan menegakkan hak sendiri apabila perlu. Aku belajar untuk tapis apa dan siapa yang baik dan tak baik untuk diri. Aku belajar untuk tak endahkan kata orang yang cuma mahu gebang dan punya niat menjatuhkan. Baru kenal manusia bermacam ragam kan, banyaklah dramanya. Tapi aku bersyukur tak banyak manusia negatif yang aku jumpa. Cukup untuk mengajar dua tiga perkara to survive later in life.

Aku juga belajar untuk mengekpresikan perasaan sebenar dan menunjukkan penghargaan kepada orang tersayang. Aku berjaya meruntuhkan dinding ego supaya aku lebih menghargai. Aku juga belajar untuk mengutuhkan benteng daripada perkara atau manusia yang boleh menjadi toksik dalam hidup dan menjarakkan diri daripada segala perkara yang tak baik untukku. And most importantly, I learnt that it’s actually okay to do so; to reject anything that drains you and takes away your positive energy. 

Aku belajar juga jika aku ikhlas dalam setiap kata-kata atau perbuatan, aku takkan kecewa. Ikhlas itu bukan sekadar kata-kata. It’s something big; yang mampu mengubah sesuatu 360 darjah jika ada atau tidak ada dia. Mungkin banyak lagi sebenarnya yang aku belajar, tapi ini yang utama dan yang paling besar. Sebab aku rasa macam aku dah berubah 180 darjah sebenarnya. Jadi aku abadikan pengajaran ini di sini supaya aku tak lupa, segala yang berlaku di sini. Sangat aku hargai setiap pengalaman dan memori di sini. Akan kurindui tempat ini, tetapi untuk berharap dapat kembali, tidak sekali. Cukuplah dua tahun. Here’s to few days to go. Cheers!

- memori

May 2018

Love, EVE.

[plain-eve]

Aku ingin terbang dan hilang.

[plain-eve]

traveling alone

It’s a chance that doesn’t come by often and there was this one time I just had to, for some reasons. It was a long journey, I took heed and learnt something along the way.

And so I find traveling alone actually :

Makes you feel humble. You’ll realise how powerless you are and how little control you have over things. Sometimes things just don’t go according to plan and you can’t do anything about it other than praying to The Almighty.

Makes you realise that the one and only that you can depend on and will always be with you is Him. Whenever, wherever despite any circumstances. No other.

You become more alert with everything; time, belongings, surroundings, prayer times. You’ll realise that you can actually depend on yourself when you have to.

You got no one to impress. It’s time for yourself!

Makes you feel comfortable with being on your own, in a crowd.

Allows you to meet more nice people along the journey. When you’re alone and desperately in need of help, you tend to ask for help from a stranger. Even a little nice gesture from a stranger could make your whole day. Makes you realise that there are so many nice people in this world. Restores your faith in humanity.

You can be whoever you want to be. You just talk whenever you want to, the way you want to, without being bothered by the fact that you are expected to behave in a certain way by someone you know.

Most importantly, it’s fun too! (if you can handle being alone)

Eve.

- a travel journal

August 2019

[plain-eve]

an advice

I told my mum the weaknesses of mine and how frustrated I am about myself, how I really want to change that but it’s so hard. Mum reminded me that every single person in this world has his/her own weaknesses. It’s just that theirs are different from yours. They might have something you don’t have and you too might be good at something they’re not good at. Just because you don’t see them struggling, doesn’t mean they’re not struggling. They too have their own battles just like you. So, you don’t have to feel so bad about your weakness, because we all are lacking in something. You should focus on your strength. Don’t beat yourself up over every small mistake that you make due to your weaknesses. Embrace that weaknesses of yours by accepting it and trying to improve, so that even if you end up not doing any better, just know that it’s because you’re not perfect, and that’s fine.

Eve.

- a story

February 7th, 2019

[plain-eve]

the reality of having more

Humans overrate the feeling of being someone else, the feeling of having things that they don’t have, the feeling of having more. 

We are in agony due to the fact that we don’t have certain things. 

We have this belief in which having those things will definitely bring us happiness. 

We cried, we fought hard to get something or to reach a point in life where we don’t feel sad anymore, only to find out that having more does not actually feel as good as we thought.

We are always dreaming of the day, when what we want become ours, we would feel good, we would feel happy. But we are actually just overrating what we don’t have. 

There’s no constant happiness in this world, for even this world is flawed. It is meant to be flawed, it was created flawed, just like we humans are born flawed. 

Because we are only God’s creations. There’s no perfect, at least, not in this world.

Eve.

- the reality

August 12th, 2019

[plain-eve]

happiest

I was the happiest when I didn’t care too much.

The look on your face in the photographs of the past. You smiled so brightly, so radiantly like the morning sun. 

Because you were at the place you felt belonged to.

The place where no matter what you do, you don’t have to worry about people leaving because they don’t like you anymore. You were not being cautious about what you should or should not do to be accepted, to be liked.

Oblivion, the fear of being forgotten, the fear that you’re not important enough to be remembered. The fear that keeps you from being whoever that you want to be, do whatever that you want to do. 

Maybe the loneliness and the emptiness that has left a hole in your heart rooted from that. From the part of you that want to act like you, that want to make mistakes but still be accepted and loved despite. A part of you longing to go back to your nature that is imperfection. 

Trying to do everything to make everyone happy is exhausting. You ended up being tired. In the end you realise that trying to make people like you does not make you happy. All the effort only returned you with countless of disappointment. The worst thing is you’re not feeling disappointed with anyone but yourself. You blame yourself for not being good enough when no one can ever be good enough. Because no one knows how much is good enough.

So irony that having people like you as your goal will make you hate yourself more, because you will always fail, definitely. In the end, you know that this is not worth the effort. You realise that you can never see your self-worth from everyone’s eyes. You can never. 

Let go of the people that you cannot satisfy. By letting go means set your heart free. Free from the obligation of doing anything to turn things around. People who see your worth will come to you and love you as you are. Being loved by only a few people is enough. Most importantly, being loved by yourself is more than enough.

Eve.

- a note to self

November 5th, 2019

[plain-eve]

breakdown

It’s 2 a.m and I’m wide awake. 

I’m currently at that point in life where I am having a major breakdown in the middle of the night. It’s that feeling when you realise that you haven’t progress much in life.

Suddenly the flashbacks of how I have been spending my youth strikes and everything hits me telling me how I haven’t done enough but I have no say in defending myself because it’s true. 

Am I being too hard on myself? No I’m not. At least, compared to those times I’ve been too easy on myself, this time, let me beat myself up and hit myself with this hard truth.

“Why did I waste so much time in my youth.”

“Why didn’t I choose better.”

“Why am I still stuck at the same place.”

“Why didn’t I try hard enough.”

“Why didn’t I do more.”

“Why did I choose to regret.”

“Am I gonna regret these.”

All these things circulating in my mind, you know what’s worse? It is when you’re aware but you do nothing about it. 

You still have a chance to do better. You don’t have much time left. 

Wake up, please.

Eve.

- a daily rant 

November 24th,  2019