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planetlacy · 2 years

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man of nothingness

pairing: eren jaeger x female!reader

summary: the man of nothingness loved the woman of everythingness.

warnings: depictions of depression. self-deprecation, self-loathing, anxiety, lightly touches on not eating enough, heavy on the depictions of depression. THIS IS A HEAVIER FIC THAT DISCUSSES DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AND THE COMFORT THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO PROVIDE. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF THESE DEPICTIONS CAN BE UPSETTING. IF ANYONE EVER NEEDS ANYTHING PLEASE REACH OUT TO ME.

a/n: this was written a few weeks ago, i was just very reluctant to post it because i wasn't sure i liked it all that much. glad to be posting again though :) much love <3

what was eren if not a man of nothingness?

nothing remarkable to offer to his guests. nothing creative to share with the people he loved. nothing in his tired mind but doubt towards himself. he was a man built from nothing and was certain he'd die as nothing.

when eren jaeger finally breathed his last breath, he was sure that not one person would allow one delicate tear to roll down their cheek. certainly not two tears. he was not the kind of man to be cried for. not the kind of man to be missed.

eren was the kind of man who hadn't left his apartment in two weeks. the kind of man who laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling of his bedroom for the fourth day in a row. he was the kind of man who hadn't left his bed except to go to the bathroom and drink the smallest bit of water and eat the smallest amount of crackers left in the nearly empty box. he was the kind of man who ignored the clothes on his bedroom floor, and the dishes left unwashed in his kitchen. the kind of man who had ignored every phone call and text from his friends for a week and a half.

the kind of man who was so empty that the sound of his doorbell echoed within his head.

he was imagining it, he was certain.

for who would visit the man of nothingness?

the doorbell echoed again, followed by several knocks. panicked knocks, eren decided.

without his realizing it, his feet lead him to his front door. all of the lights were shut off in the house, and the blinds shut tight. but eren had lived in the small apartment long enough to navigate it in the dark.

he doesn't bother to pull his hair up into his usual bun, or to throw on a hoodie over the black tank top and gray sweatpants he'd been wearing for four days straight. he simply opened the door.

and there, the woman overflowing with life. with humanity and love. the woman with gentle hands and a soothing voice. there, the light at the end of eren's horribly long tunnel.

you. full of everythingness. eren. empty with nothingness.

such a beautiful painting next to eren's ruined sketch of himself.

"eren -" he lets the boulders tumble over the end of the tunnel. he shuts the door. his forehead falls against it, his breathing picking up.

you were here. you were here. you were here.

you were never supposed to see eren like this. he was supposed to be the man full of life that held your hand in crowds and protected your drinks at parties. he was supposed to be overflowing with endless joy and friendship. overflowing with gestures that he wished you would realize was his way of flirting with you. overflowing with so much kindness and love that no one would ever guess what happened within the confines of his mind.

"eren, please let me in," your voice is soft as always. it echoes nicely within eren's mind.

he tears his forehead away from the door and looks to the apartment behind him. immediately by the door is the living room, several shirts, and hoodies on the two couches, cups of ramen and glasses on the coffee table. behind the living room, a counter separates it from the kitchen. from here he can see his unwashed dishes. and to right of the kitchen, pressed up against the covered floor to ceiling window is eren's small dining table. papers cover it.

he was a mess, and embarrassment flooded eren.

"no. go home," his voice croaks strangely. he hadn't spoken in nearly two weeks.

"i won't. i'll sit out in this hallway for six months if i have to. but i won't leave you," your tone is firm, and eren hears the sound of you thudding to the ground.

silence settles, and eren begins to pace in front of the door, biting the nail on his left thumb as he does so. he's overwhelmed. this wasn't planned for the day. he wasn't mentally or physically prepared. he didn't know you were coming otherwise he would've cleaned up. maybe if he hadn't ignored you and everyone else that had tried to text him. god, he was a horrible friend, wasn't he?

it was no wonder that's all you ever thought him to be.

how could you, the woman overflowing with life ever look at eren, the man of nothingness and feel anything other than disappointment? he'd let you down so many times. how could he ever hope that one day your lips might connect with his? how could he ever hope that one day his dark apartment might become a shared one full of all of your houseplants and his books? how could you ever look at eren like that?

he opens the door.

you were sitting on the floor, knees bent to your chest and your back previously resting against the door. you fall backwards as eren swings the door open, your back and head landing against eren's shins.

just as he opens his mouth to apologize, you let out a laugh and look up at eren with a smile. it falls when you see eren's face, but he tries not to notice.

"have you been sleeping?" you ask while you make your way to your feet, using the doorframe to pull you up. eren backs away from you so that you can come in and watches you closely as your eyes scan his apartment. there's not a single ounce of judgment in your eyes. "ren? did you hear?" you ask again, looking over your shoulder at eren.

"i heard," he replied. he shuts the door gently, not wanting to be loud and disturb the neighbors. eren had no idea what time it was; he'd removed the batteries from the clock in his room because the ticking quickly became a reminder of all the time that he was wasting away doing and being nothing, and he hadn't touched his phone in so long he wasn't even sure where it was.

"so you haven't then?"

eren doesn't answer you, just nervously crosses his arms and scans over his house. it was filthy, and eren felt his embarrassment return.

"i didn't know you were coming. i should've cleaned, i'm sorry," he apologizes. you just shrug and turn to look at him, sad look within your eyes. he didn't like it. he didn't like to see the most beautiful person painted with such an ugly feeling.

"you don't need to apologize to me. i understand," you take a step forward, and eren backs away. his back bumps into the door and his eyes fall to the ground between the two of you. you don't advance any further, despite your heart screaming for you to do so.

the man of nothingness, shockingly, has nothing to say. he has no excuse for why his mind had suddenly become so unkind. he had no explanation for why he was so tired. he simply was, and he couldn't communicate that.

he was him. and you were you.

and to him, he didn’t even deserve to look your way.

suddenly, you're in front of him. and your gentle hands cup his cheeks carefully, tilting his head up from the ground and meeting your eyes. your left thumb brushes the cheekbone of his right cheek, and your fingertips just barely touch his hairline. green eyes search yours, tears that had been suppressed for far too long filling within them.

and finally his last support beams collapse, and eren falls into your arms. his arms wrap around your shoulders and hold you as close to him as he can get you. your arms go around his waist, holding him just as close. his head falls to the space between your neck and shoulder, and the sounds of his utterly broken crying fill your ears.

you bring a hand to the back of his head, and carefully brush your fingers through his hair. it's longer than usual, and several knots are in it. eren can't bring himself to focus on it.

all around him, is you.

your familiar perfume scent that you've worn for as long as he can remember. the sound of you hushing him gently like a mother rocking their child. the feeling of your body pressed against his, hearts beating together in a symphony beethoven could only dream of composing.

and without warning, falls the most frightening three words eren has ever heard you speak.

"i love you."

you whisper it like you might break him should you speak any louder. he's certain he's imagined it, just as he was certain he had imagined the doorbell. perhaps this all was a dream. maybe eren had finally fallen into a sleep peaceful enough that his brain could allow him to dream.

you say it again, louder, and eren moves away from you faster than he realizes.

within a single moment, he's out of your arms and away from the door, instead standing in front of the larger of his two couches. two blankets and pillows are on it from when eren had tried to sleep there.

"you don't love me," eren says, cold and even. his hands curl in and out of fists at his sides, and his eyes find their way back to the ground. "the idea of me, maybe. but never me."

"what? eren of co-"

"you don't. you could never. how could you? i mean look around! look at me, look at this damned apartment. how could you look at all of this and say you love me? me who has ignored everyone he knows for weeks. me who can hardly get out of bed to eat. me who ruins every good thing he sees. me who cancels on armin - his best friend since he could fucking walk - at the last minute. me who forgets birthdays and is late to parties. me! nothing!" eren's hands gesture wildly as he rants, and his eyes look at yours. he's yelling, but he doesn't notice. he's crying too, but these tears are hot and heavy, and they come from a place of so much self-hatred that they might have been sent by insecurity himself.

"and you! god, you," his voice is softer, more affectionate now, "you who taught us all how to bake bread using your grandma's recipe. you who buys me things that remind you of me. you who orders for anyone too nervous to do so. you who helps random women shop while they try to calm screaming babies. you who has a note in your phone of everyone’s appointments and other events, so they don’t miss anything. you who remembers everything anyone ever tells you. you who sneaks pictures of us when we’re laughing so we can see ourselves the way you see us. you! everything!"

“eren,” you whisper his name, your own tears filling your eyes. you’d never seen him like this before. eren had always smiled and laughed, making everyone else happy around him. you hadn’t stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, eren’s mind could possibly be the dark pit that it was.

“you’re not nothing.”

you can’t find anything else to say. there was no script of what to say when the man you loved degraded himself in front of you. there was no way to know what would help someone and what would only make matters worse. you wanted to comfort him – so badly, you wanted to help him. wanted to take all the pain he was harboring and fix it with gentle words and loving touches.

“then i’m damn near close,” eren whispers, and falls backwards onto the couch. his head falls into his hands, eyes shutting tight. you study him for a moment before your eyes drift around the room.

he was right, it was a mess. but you didn’t mind. eren did though, and so without much thought you made your way to the smaller couch and looked at what was going on. it seemed he’d been in the process of folding laundry when all this had started. there was a half full basket next to where you stood, with a pile of folded clothes on one arm of the couch and a pile of nicer clothes laid out neatly on the other, likely waiting to be hung up.

silently, you made your way through the rest of the basket, folding the casual clothes neatly and placing his nicer things in the other pile. it doesn’t take long for you to finish, and you move on to picking up the trash around the living room.

it’s then that eren finally looks up and sees what exactly you’re doing, eyes watching as you retrieve a trash bag from a cabinet in the kitchen and start putting things in it. he hadn’t had someone clean for him in a long time. but he couldn’t expect less from the woman of everythingness.

“what’re you doing?” he questions, making his way to his feet and following you into the kitchen like a lost puppy. absentmindedly, he starts to pick up trash himself and place it into the bag you held open.

“i’m cleaning,” you reply simply, offering a small smile to eren. if your words couldn’t show him you loved him, then maybe your actions could. “you should take a shower. i can take care of this, alright?”

for a moment, all eren can do is stare at you.

surely this was all in his head, right? it wasn’t possible that the woman he’d loved for so long was looking at him that tenderly. that she was pushing a piece of greasy hair from his face and smiling at him so lovingly. that she was repeating herself and gently shoving him towards his room where his bathroom was, telling him that she was serious.

needless to say, eren listens.

he would listen to anything you told him, regardless of how much it might take from him to do so. so while trying to run shampoo through the knots in his hair was quickly upsetting him, eren still did his best for you. still shaved off the weird stubble that had grown across his face for you. still put on a clean hoodie and sweatpants for you. still found his phone mixed in with his blankets and started to charge it for you. still collected the cups and trash in his room for you.

and you said nothing when he reappeared, dropping the cups next into the now empty sink – dishes previously within now put into the dishwasher.

he disappears back into his room without another word, and you figure he’ll likely lock himself into his room until you leave. and you don’t mind that. even you, the woman who everyone thought was overflowing with life, had times just like this. so you understood exactly what it meant to feel like nothing.

you’re quietly surprised when eren reappears, holding a comb and brush in one hand and a pair of hair scissors in the other. you watch him curiously while you dry the dishes that wouldn’t fit into the dishwasher, waiting for him to find his voice.

“my, uh, hair,” eren finally says, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “do you think you could trim it? and there’s this one fucking knot that won’t come out. you don’t have to help though, i could pro-“

“i’ll do it, don’t worry.” you cut him off before he can allow himself to worry too much. eren nods, dropping the things in his hands down on the counter and going to the small dining table to bring one of the chairs over. he places it in the middle of the kitchen, mumbling a “hold on” before going back into his room and coming back with a towel to put around his shoulders so you don’t get hair on him.

while eren gets settled into the chair, you open the blinds in front of the large window by the kitchen, allowing the natural evening light to fill the apartment.

your hands are gentle with eren’s hair, careful not to pull too hard, or brush through the knot too aggressively either. you’re both silent, though eren wants to ask you if you had meant what you said. if you really did love him.

because he truly couldn’t believe it. he’d fallen into such a deep pit of self-hatred that he genuinely could not conceptualize someone loving him the way you did. he couldn’t see someone being the way you were being with him currently forever. but there you were, gentle as ever as you finally untangled the knot with a bit of water splashed from the sink, proving eren wrong as you apologized when the comb brushed the top of his ears.

it was strangely domestic, your taking care of him. it felt right, like this was how you and he were meant to be. like you were meant to take care of each other when you were so far gone you’d lost sight of yourselves.

surprising himself, eren finds his voice.

“did you mean it?”

you’re confused for only a moment, unsure what he means at first, until you’re reminder of the confession you’d let out. you had horrible timing – perhaps that was your fatal flaw. or your only flaw, depending on who you might ask.

“yes. i meant it,” you say nothing more, carefully starting to cut his hair back to its normal length above his shoulders. you both fall silent, the only sounds being the dishwasher running behind you and the quiet snip of the scissors.

eren’s hand fidgeted nervously in his lap, fingers knotting together only to unknot themselves again. he has thousands of things he wants to say, but he can’t find his voice to say even one.

you finished cutting his hair in silence, brushing the hair from his neck and shoulders to the ground. eren stands when you’re done, going to the corner by the table again to grab the broom leaned against the wall. while you move the chair back and take the towel that had been around his shoulders, eren sweeps the hair away and throws it into the trash.

when you’ve both finished your respective tasks, you find yourselves at a stand still in the middle of the kitchen. eren wants to say something, but he’s so afraid of saying the wrong thing. besides, words would never be able to do the way he felt about you justice. he could tell you he loved you a thousand times over and it would never be enough. he could tell you that you felt like the sun peaking through the clouds when they ground is covered in snow and it would never be enough.

nothing would ever be enough.

the man of nothingness and the woman of everythingness.

such a strange pair.

eren watches as you leave the kitchen, picking up your phone, keys, and purse from where you’d set them down near the door. he hadn’t even realized you’d done that, he was so caught up in everything else.

it’s not until you’re turning to eren, telling him you’ll be back tomorrow to check on him, that he finds his voice.

“what?” is all he manages at first. “no, stay,” is what he adds quickly.

you’re surprised. you’d taken eren’s prolonged silence as him trying to tell you to leave without hurting your feelings.

“at least for a while longer, please. we can order food or something,” eren suggests, his voice quieter now.

“okay,” you reply with a smile and place your things back down.

eren breathes a sigh of relief, eyes watching you as you start to look up food places nearby and read off their menus. he’s only half listening, mostly just staring at you, watching the way you pull your phone closer to your face when you don’t know how to pronounce something, spewing a random noise when you can’t figure it out. the smallest of smiles settles on his face as he stares, one that you return when you glance up at him for half a second before going back to reading the menu of some nearby italian place.

and while he stares, heart so full, he can feel the clouds within his mind thinning out. feels the weight on his shoulders staring to lift. the weight of the world is leaving him behind without him forcing it away. and you are there, in the middle of it all – the cause of this shift within him. the woman of everythingness filling the man of nothingness with so much love that he can’t quite comprehend it all.

hours later, after you’d ordered four different types of pasta and two types of bread to try from the italian place, eren finally feels like peace has been restored within him. feels it strengthen when you put away clean dishes and wash the dirty ones together. again when he cleans his room while you take out the trash. and again when you yank him down onto the couch with him to watch some stupid show about housewives.

and when you fall asleep next to him, face beautiful as ever, the man of nothingness finally returns your sentiment. mutters those three simple words before finally letting himself rest.

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#recs.!#tears in my eyes rn👁

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