playlamb

[playlamb]

people irl become obsessed with me because my presence and weird little things I say feel novel and eye opening to them and special, when I like people I invest into them and so that special stuff gets funneled into them and it is more dense, which tends to have the effect of changing the trajectory of their life which can also make them obsessed bad, and it sucks because they genuinely like me or are in love with me but they also want to keep me, and I end up feeling used because they start to objectify + see me as a resource they are entitled to.

It is little sad that I inevitably behaved that way in my attempt to mimic normal people but it was never real, I just acted that way anyways and pushed away people I really wanted to connect who were like me. But i embodied the very thing they can’t tolerate in this world and it was such a convoluted and extra heartbreaking way i felt not seen. It was frustrating and confusing bc i didn’t know i was living as repressed as i was. Wearing masks that communicate my thoughts for me is normal for me but the repression made things disorienting and sad, because I couldn’t understand why I felt so unseen and alone. I was unable to identify myself behind all the masks.

anyways I have never actually felt that way about anyone and I know how much it sucks to be the kind of thing I am and be objectified and used like that, I personally hate it a lot and it feels a little sad bc it is like a betrayal. idk what my point is exactly. mnn lamb naturally falls away from perspective that makes people become attached in that way , so it doesn’t do that <- nods

[playlamb]

[playlamb]

When girl adjascent creatures follow me it make me happy. hi, name Lamb, am a demon and the physical realm is always working to push me out of it, everything about humanity sort of hurts me but is okay because I am going to learn the secrets to living in this physical world 🩶. I want you to be most free, healthiest, happiest you can be. The river runs through me forever, if you can’t find yours you can reach into mine, and feel my love for you.

[playlamb]

[playlamb]

what does it mean that I love white frail twink so much. is something wrong with me

[playlamb]

giving yotsuba vibes in the polycule household

[playlamb]

Source: Yotsuba&! | よつばと!

by Kiyohiko Azuma

[playlamb]

^w^

[playlamb]

I don’t like to be disabled because while I don’t hold grudges because don’t care about people in the way humans do I also still can’t get over anything that’s ever been done to me because the injustice registers as something that is incorrect and that I feel strongly compelled to fix. But I can’t for xyz reason which drives me absolutely insane, when I spiral abt my ex that is the only reason why. I get trapped in that loop. I hate thing being wrong so much.. my ex used to hate that about me and would yell at me for it lol

and she will never apologize and hate that a lot because want to fix, I don’t care about any like. any, like self gratifying sort of reason, which she also never wanted to understand. it’s not for selfish reasons although understand how can still be ‘selfish’ even if disability reasons, because it’s something only I want. But don’t consider it ‘want’ as much as a disability need. If can’t have need met this way then healthiest thing is having it met some other way you know? It’s not for selfish reasons.

It’s feeling of needing things to feel right and in their place. Healthy, etc. I could also work on different perspectives like « accepting what is » that also serve as rectification and ‘fixing wrong thing’ I guess. But I always get pulled back to the fact that i know it’s wrong that she washed her hands of everything she did that harmed me, and reinforced trauma and like. The lovebombing + discarding and betrayal. Cannot even say it without feeling self getting sucked into spiral.

Every time she appears on my dash I get trapped in this loop and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. it’s been two years.

[playlamb]

It’ll always be that way, but it doesn’t have to hurt

[playlamb]

I think being autistic has made me realize how extremely hostile the environments we have designed are. And I don't mean "this environment is uniquely hostile to me because I am autistic" I mean that even normies are just existing in brutal, stagnant spaces, they have just internalized them as normal. We could have it all, we could live in such a beautiful and fascinating world, designed by humans and for humans who actually enjoy life and it's complexity and wonder. but even now it's like, seen as kinda hippy-dippy bullshit to have "excessive" indoor plants in a workspace or something

[playlamb]

It’s been two years and I can’t not get upset when friends put its ex on its dash. I don’t know what to do about this.

[playlamb]

[playlamb]

John Kitching’s ‘A Dangerous Idea’

[playlamb]

Transmuting thirty years worth of special made devil grief at the wamart

[playlamb]

It’ll always be that way, but it doesn’t have to hurt