pleaseletmeoutofthishell

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

someone tell me how i can possibly still be so hopelessly in love with my ex

i feel like he was my soulmate but i wasn’t his

i hate it here

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

hello to (most likely) my future self.

sooooo

the past few months have been kinda wild.

I have:

-been incredibly busy and stressed with school

-went on like 5 dates with the same guy (!!!!)

-realized that i probably have dysthmia because i feel as though i have a certain sadness underlying all my accomplishments and interactions

so the worst part of it is (and probably the reason i’m my good ole depression blog or whatever) that the kid i had been seeing for a few weeks went to a city like 3 or 4 hours away for his internship that lasts until next semester.  which, theoretically, could be fine if i wasn’t a dumb hoe that doesn’t know how to communicate with humans ever.

because of COURSE now i think he hates me because he has slowly tapered off texting and snapchatting me and obviously low ass self esteem assumes he’s 

a. tired of me

b. found someone else

c. doesn’t think i’m worth keeping in contact with since he’s far away now

but the thing is somehow this has made me want to actually hang out with him even more which is NOT ideal and i feel like i’ve spent a lot of effort getting over my fears of men and such so i don’t really want to give up but also i don’t know how to start conversations idk we shall see i may try to say something tonight i just double texted him after he didn’t respond for 3 days lol.

so basically

i am back to having 3 friends and feeling as though a man could never be attracted to me as a human.

goodnight

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

okay so

this is mainly to my future self more than anyone else i guess

but

just wanted to quickly update as i begin to embrace the Big Sad of unwillingly going off my ssris for literally one (1) day.

this week i: -worked a lot  >lowkey fell in love with one of my coworkers who i’ve actually thought was cute since high school -got a new (and beautifully done) tattoo -hung out with and cuddled with someone who was attracted to me for the first time

and

now i somehow feel both more lonely and a bit better about myself

i’ve started to kind of like myself concerning what i stand up for and how i am beginning to think that i am a fun person to be around (at least when i’m in a good mood) and maybe even think i’m a little bit cute sometimes.  which i guess is a pretty big change and a good one at that.

today i ran out of my sampler of my new social anxiety drug i’m trying, which i think has been helping me with negative thoughts and anxious ones.  i had two weeks worth of it, and during those two weeks i started to appreciate myself more in the above ways and actually manage to meet up with a stranger from tinder to hang out (!!!!).

so

tomorrow i’ll likely get a prescription for the meds again, which will hopefully continue to improve my outlook on myself and life.  however, does this mean i’m always going to be dependent on something to alter my brain to make sure that i don’t fall into a hole of hopelessness and depression?  i really fucking hope not but maybe i just need to use this as a crutch until i get to a place in life where i am satisfied with my social connections and my position as a human in society and can embrace my “natural” self again.

anyways, i’m still lonely as fuck but just might be getting to somewhere a bit more healthy where i can start myself on a path towards “happiness” or whatever.  who knows if it’s even real, but i guess we’ll find out soon enough.

thanks for tunin in catch me being a sad boi for the next several hours before bed.

see you next mini depressive episode.

(sidenote: how do i simultaneously undermine my own experiences in mental health yet also address them?? like i think about how there is essentially nothing in my life that justifies feeling this way, yet i know that i need to validate my own damn self before i can go about actually changing anything.  anywho, i wanna die but also have no reason to or any true motivation to.  thx ily byee)

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

y’all someone needs to kill me i actually have nothing to look forward to ever

like

the future is just more work and disappointment

and right now fucking sucks because i have 3 friends and my best friend doesn’t even want to have to deal with me anymore

and he told me that it’s my own fault that i’m not going out tonight bc most of my friends are busy / he doesn’t want to go out with me and i just really feel as if that’s not helpful

anyways

the last 24 hours i’ve felt lonely as fuck and wanted to die so

lit

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

yo i literally want to die i’ve had three people cancel plans on me this week and i probably won’t see either of my friends before they leave for two months (:

will someone just tell me what is wrong with me instead of just continuing to string me along then cancel

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

yo i literally want to die right now and i’m not even sure why

last night i hung out with two of my friends where they met for the first time and they really hit it off and my drunk ass was so insecure i managed to cry like twice bc i feel like they don’t even need me anymore if they’re good friends

i dropped him off at his house today and now i’m alone again and just feel like no one gives a shit about me even though rationally i know that a lot of people do

how the fuck can i stop feeling like this

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

💢

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

alone

i was fine until i was by myself.  it seems like when you’re surrounded by people you don’t really have the time to focus on the constant loneliness that you feel.  and i’m realizing that most of my friendships have faded away, no matter how close they may have been.  i’m already fearing how my best friend now will realize how pathetic and worthless i really am and move on.  not really sure what i’ll do then.

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

a fucked up order of events

the saddest thing is that my body has felt the sting of two tattoos before my lips have even touched someone else’s 

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

[pleaseletmeoutofthishell]

so i guess i reincarnated my tumblr to have an anonymous place to vent

that’s cool i guess

prepare for a wild ride of complaining n sadness