pleasereadthismessageforyou

[pleasereadthismessageforyou]

Can you read this please?

So it seems like I’ll never get the chance to talk to you again. I am so hurt and sad but let this be my last message (for real now) to you. I hope you still take some time to read this even if you’re so busy with life.

Love, I know that I’ve told you this before but I am gonna say it again for the last time that reconnecting to you this year is one thing I’ll always be grateful for, forever, despite the awful ending.

For the last months, you made me feel alive. Talking to you had been the highlight of my everyday. Whenever I wake up, it’s you that I want to greet first in the morning. In the middle of the day, I always have my phone beside me because I get excited waiting for you to wake up and greet me as well. And every night, even if it’s hard for me to call you when I am in the house, I always look for ways because I’m so eager to see you. I am always excited to share, rant and update you even the small things and the nonsense. I don’t care if my family thinks I was being weird, what matters to me is that I get to see you especially when you’re working from home.

Every after we call, I always find myself smiling and happy. Well, it’s because you always know the right words to say and the right things to do. You know me so well as if we’ve already met in person. That’s why it’s impossible not to fall for you because a man like you is so easy to love. You made me feel so special, beautiful, cared and loved. In spite of the uncertainty of our relationship, I set my mind to just enjoy the present and to not overthink too much because I don’t want to ruin our moments together. I really mean every word that I told you. I mean it whenever I tell you “I love you, I miss you, I am happy to see you, I am jealous” and even this may sound too cheesy for you but I mean it when I told you that you’re always in my mind 24/7. Funny how that even if I am with him, you’re all I ever think of and concerned about. I never felt more guilty and selfish.

I requested for you to give me time to compose myself because I am so confused about how I feel and for everything that happened on that weekend. Isn’t someone who’s getting married supposed to be the happiest? Well, I questioned myself because I am not.

Aside from the stress in the office now that my senior is taking her leave, I never felt more stress than thinking the right thing to do. Because the guilt is eating me up whenever I see him and my family, knowing I have lied to them AND scared of losing you forever because I don’t wanna be unfair to you tho I don’t want to cut you off in my life either. I am so scared to make a decision, that’s why I’m being indecisive lately. My life’s such a big mess.

You have no idea how much I struggled of not telling you I love you and I miss you even if I really wanna say it to you everyday. You have no idea how much I wanted to call, see you and kiss you even just on screen. You have no idea how I wanted to be comforted by you but never asked you knowing you’ll be hurt as well. I’ve been telling myself again and again to refrain from being so clingy to you because again, I am still so confused with my life and in shock. Also, I have to pretend that I am so happy here in front of them because I don’t want my family to be disappointed by me.

Last Friday, I’ve been holding my tears and acted a bit mean but to be honest, I was so happy to see you again because I missed you so much. I really wanted to have a serious talk with you to sort things out but I guess it wasn’t the right time yet since you’re busy with work. I planned to call you on Saturday but when I opened Snapchat, I was surprised that you already blocked me.

I’ve thought of ways to reach you but obviously, you’ve already made up your mind. Well, there’s nothing I can do about it anymore.

I just wish it didn’t end up like this. :(

Love, I’m gonna miss your face, your voice, your jokes, your smile, your laughter and your compliments. I’m gonna miss our dramas together. I am gonna miss you being mean. I’m gonna miss our day to day greetings, updates and selfies. I’m gonna miss our long calls especially on weekends. I am gonna miss you forever and know that a part of me will always love you.

I hope you’ll find your true happiness there and get to marry the woman of your dreams. I’ll always be supporting you from afar and still be including you in my prayers.

Remember that I am proud of everything that you are.

Take care of yourself always, okay? Please be healthy and hopefully you’ll be able to stop from smoking finally this year.

Thank you for all the love, the care, the time, the laughters, and even the tears. I appreciate them all. Thank you for your existence. I appreciate you.

And I am so sorry that I have to choose him over you in this lifetime. I AM TRULY SORRY for all the pain I caused you.

You made the right choice of cutting me off in your life. You don’t need someone as toxic as I am.

Bye for now, my love. xx

Love always,

Your Crying Baby