pluto-isnt-a-planet

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

I got in a stupid fight with an alter I don’t even know and I don’t care about. All because our landlord was being loud downstairs so I banged on the wall to give a courtesy warning so that made the protector mad and they called me destructive.

I’m not destructive. I said I wouldn’t do it again and then they claimed I screamed and barged in my room for no reason. Luckily I was under my blanket or they would have seen me half naked. Then they said if I was loud again they would intervene. I told them don’t start something you can’t finish.

I don’t care who they are I WASN’T BEING LOUD so I’m not going to go with your lie so you can be mean to me. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. I have my door barricaded so they can’t get in again. And they called me petty and aggressive when I’m not. I’m protecting MYSELF from YOU.

I hate this. I just want to die. Or for them to die. Or for everyone to die.

Side note: the landlord is STILL being the loud one!!!! NOT ME!!!!

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

Too cute to be here long

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

I want to die. Nothing is fun anymore.

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

Body: *keeps the score*

Brain: *disconnects to survive*

Me, just trying to function in daily life: could you both pls not?

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

I remembered a moment where I acted out at school and when my mom came to pick me up I started to bawl and fight because I didn’t want to be hurt. And she had the audacity to tell me not to say that because people will think she was abusing me. She WAS abusing me. I was beat like crazy.

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

my house my rules = I know you have nowhere else to go, so forfeit all your human rights and give all control to me if you want to keep living, having a house now gives me the right to treat you like my property

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

abuser: how dare you imply I mistreat you?? What about all those time I could have hurt you much worse and I didn't??? What about that one time I could have murdered you and I didn't?? What about those times I put you in position so awful you would have died if I didn't help you out?? I'm a great fucking person!!!!

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

Made a vent post about my mom and she called me right in the middle, how ironic.

She’s constantly trying to make up for the shit she did as if it will ever erase all of her actions from the past. I will never forgive her. And some will still see me as heartless for that, because she’s trying to be better so why can’t I accept that?

The damage has already been done. The wounds have scarred over and I’m left a completely different person. I don’t think I’m all there anymore.

There’s parts of me shattered and fighting to exist amongst eachother and all it’s doing is putting us in a deeper pit of tar and fucking our life over.

We’ll forever be stuck this way. We’ll never be whole. I resent my mother for not being a mother, period.

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

Normal process of working things out:

a person causes harm to you, unintentionally or intentionally

a person acknowledges what they did

they apologize sincerely and hear your side of the story

person makes amends, makes up for what they did, puts effort into fixing it

person doesn't repeat the offense

if the harm is fixed, and the person is reliably sticking to their word and not repeating the harm, a process of healing and forgiveness takes place naturally

The abusive way of 'working things out'

an abuser does harm to you

they blame you for it, for the way you reacted, the way you perceived it, and your emotions about it

they fail to apologize, instead they blame you for needing an apology and for not immediately assuming it was one time accident

instead of making amends, they threaten to do worse next time and insist it wasn't that bad and that you deserved it, in their head you are not even allowed to have your own version of the story

they accuse you of 'being paranoid' and 'living in the past' if you are scared they'll do it again. Then they do it again.

you're not allowed to call them out on it or to expect better from them, you know they'll do it again, you cannot trust them, you can tell they don't think much of you, and you're accused of harboring grudges and not giving people a second chance if you fail to force the process of forgiveness, for something they're clearly not sorry for

everyone sides with them and turns against you for being a horrible person and failing to forgive, while only knowing a twisted and embellished story of what happened

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

The Eyes of God, 2023, Digital Painting by myself, Liz Pence

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

In the middle of processing trauma and there are stray cats having the equivalent of an anime battle outside my window.

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

Do you ever just ?

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

TW for graphic COCSA

I always thought that if I had at least told them all the details, then they would start to care. I thought that maybe I had been too vague or made it sound like it was no big deal, so that’s why my family didn’t care to help. I imagined that if I could gather them together and give a big graphic speech, they would finally see how much I suffered and would apologize and start to care for me instead of them. In that fantasy, I was taking my autonomy back, and that made me feel empowered.

Now, that’s been shattered. The truth is they knew how bad it was and still didn’t care. That’s why they got so upset and uncomfortable when I brought it up, because they knew that it was wrong, and they hated to be reminded of it.

All I said was they touched me in bad places.

They don’t know how the both of them commented on my body, calling me hot and saying how they noticed my boobs growing.

They don’t know how we would sit and watch porn vids together of girls being violated in numerous ways.

They don’t know how one of them used to violate and pretend to rape my barbie dolls right in front of me because they had such “fat asses”.

They don’t know how we sat at the computer and the same one instructed me on how to porn games and watched while I did it.

They don’t know how they laughed at me when they found out I had my own porn addiction.

They don’t know. And even if I told them, they wouldn’t care. Because they were absolutely okay handing me over to the wolves.

[pluto-isnt-a-planet]

(Sequel to ‘This memory is being forgotten’)