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6/3/24

a letter to myself, about you.

today, i mourned. i went back to the place we met, for the first time in so many years. i let the memories of a carefree girlhood wash over me.

i mourned us. for the first time since that night, i mourned the loss of your love.

i did not mourn in all these years because i did not let myself. i did not feel as though i could mourn the loss of you over my own wrongdoings - the pain i caused you. i did not feel as though i deserved to be able to.

i thought back to the time where love was simple. where struggles, toxicity, and pain did not have any influence.

i thought back to that field. to the stars on the beach. to your apartment and the cat we welcomed into it.

i let myself feel, sitting on that dirt. feel the love i had for you, and the love that i harbor for you still. i let myself feel the full weight of my actions and who i was to you during those final months.

i let myself mourn the girl i was in childhood, on that field - the one who loved you purely. i even let myself mourn the girl who treated you terribly - i let the weight of the struggles i went through during that time and after come up and i let go of them.

i let myself let go of the thought that anytime something bad happened to me - the things faced in the relationship i ruined us for, my father’s cancer diagnosis coming a day after he lost his job, the heartbreak where i was told i was not loved enough to stay, the assault, everything - that all of those things were simply karma.

in large part they probably were - if you believe in that sort of thing - and i think a small part of me will always weather the hardships i face in life by thinking back to that last message you sent. what you hoped for.

and i don’t think i will ever stop living my life without the thought of atoning for the pain i caused you.

but i let myself remember that im not that person anymore, that girl who hurt you. im proud of the fact that i left that person behind that first year of college. im proud of the friendships i remedied and solidified. im proud of the therapy i got through, im proud of being sober. im proud of me.

and im thankful for you. thankful that you stood up for youself. thankful that you called me out on all the bullshit that i put you through that last year. thankful that i got to love you during my childhood. thankful that i got to experience your love.

nearly everything you said in that final message was true. you do haunt me - but now, i will carry you with me in the light. bittersweet, evening light, the light at the end of the day, the end of a time. no longer will i shove your haunting presence down to where it festers and hurts, where i weather it because i feel as though i deserve it.

thank you for showing me that pure love exists, and for being that love for so long. i am so sorry that i threw that away. that i caused you pain. i am so sorry that you took the damage of who i was then. im so sorry that saying that im sorry doesn’t begin to cover it.

…

i felt closer today, sitting on that field, to the girl who played and loved you all those years ago than i ever have before. ive become her again, in so many ways. i don’t know if i would have if what happened didn’t.

i loved you then, and i love you still.

- p

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thank you for the tragedy, i needed it for my art

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Anne Michaels from "Infinite Gradation"

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oh how sweet it must be to have someone want you, love you, cherish you ?!! simply because you exist

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Anne Sexton, from A Self-Portrait In Letters

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Porsche: 911 Carrera 3.2 (1983)

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“What matters is deciding in your heart to accept another person completely. When you do that, it is always the first time and the last.”

— Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman

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only works out when you both want it

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being individuals together is so intimate. let’s read different books but curled up next to each other, let’s visit a coffee shop so you can study and i can write, let’s just be near each other

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8:45 am, the sun bright my room