Hi I'm Mandy, I'm 19, I like to write things sometimes and this is where I put the things I like the most. It will mostly be poems, spoken words and short stories if I get that brave. Feedback is VERY welcome, please be nice :)
But that is enough
I am kind of anxious and I am a little bit depressed
But that is enough
I am kind of anxious
But that is enough
My brain makes thoughts too quickly
They move so fast I can’t hold in to one long enough
before I start stressing over another each thought is something that I have not done that needs to be done by a set time and date or I will fail
I will fail horribly and everyone will hate me
All are as important as each other
But none of them can hold my attention long enough for me to even think coherently about them
You can imagine how it was difficult writing this
Because of this default setting my brain has, it starts to organise
It alphabatizes, colour codes and puts everything in order from most to least important and how long it will take to do each task on average
My brain begins to create a tight schedule
I will wake up in the morning and decide what to start to do these tasks and what time I will finish
I have planned breaks and lunch times
I have a set list of snacks to enjoy while completing these tasks and rewards for when I do
I know what I’m eating for lunch
And how long it will take me to make and eat it
I am organised and this pleases me
I am a little bit depressed
But that is enough
My body will not move
I lay in bed for hours at a time
I barley muster the energy to move and go to the bathroom
And my thoughts catch on to this
They realise what is happening
That’s there is no connection from brain to limb
In my head I can hear them yelling for my legs to walk for my hands to do to create
My brain is working over time on getting me to breath properly
My brain gets sick of this
My thoughts turn mean
They tell me that it’s my fault how I will ultimately fail in life
They show me pictures of where I will end up
This varies from the bed where I lay now, to a gutter on the street the last image they throw at me is a grave stone
It’s pretty
They tell me how I will become even more of a disappointment
A burden on my family and friends
Everyone will hate me
This is meant to be motivation to move
I continue to lay here
My brain yells MOVE
My body says I am tired I am so tired
I am tired of trying and failing
I am tired not being good enough
I am tired of never reaching the expectation set of me
I mean I get by
Ask for smile and I can smile as bright as the best of them
Sure my eyes are dead but you can’t tell
Ask me to cook and create a gourmet meal I may have forgotten some of the ingredients, I’ll beat myself up later
Fashion advice? I’m here for you but don’t be surprised when your outfit is just different shades of blue and black
I get by
I am still kind of anxious I still have work to do
I am still a little depressed my body still won’t move
In my brain after everything is finally done and dusted
(the day before deadline)
There are two things left to take care of two letters I had missed from the alphabetized version of my list
A and D
These are big tasks so
I move them to a pile that’s titled ‘to deal with later’
I’m not so sure I will ever get to them and they get bigger