poetic-emjay - Tumblr blog

[poetic-emjay]

October 12

Hmm, looks like I forgot to blog yesterday - either that or it didn't save.

Anyway, not much new happening - just trudging along, trying to get these assignments out of the way. That's the main focus for the moment.

I don't want to turn this into another trauma-dump blog, but I am not doing good. If I ever stop posting, it's probably safe to assume I'm laying lifeless in a ravine underneath a bridge. Sigh, let's get through this fucking day.

[poetic-emjay]

October 10, 2022

Today is Thanks giving, so no school. I need to complete a test by the end of the day though, and I absolutely need to get those 3 assignments completed.

[poetic-emjay]

October 9, 2022

Of course nothing went as planned yesterday, but also as usual it's totally a result of my own actons.

I started of the day with waffles and syrup. which of course raised ,y blood sugar and had me sleeping for a few hours. I did eventually get a little bit of homework done as well as did some more dishes. Gotta get a lot more done today, both homework and cleaning.

I also want to fit in two more languages into my routine. I really want to regain my french, and I want to learn spanish for reasons - that one's been on my list for over a decade now.

I can fit in a half hour of each alongside my Japanese if I can just get organized.

[poetic-emjay]

October 8, 2022

Nothing really happened yesterday, unsurprisingly. Was tired from not much sleep and having to go in for class so early. I did manage to get some studying in and complete yesterdays test. I also did another load of dishes.

I got my sit ups and push ups in this morning. I'm torn between working on my large assignments due next week and cleaning. Of course, I should do both. Hopefully I can finish off a room though, like complete all remaining dishes, and wipe down and mop the kitchen.

Also need to figure out my food situation, cause I'm not eating as I should. The journey has started, I can't keep putting things off.

I'm waiting on a new webcam to start streaming, which should come today. I've got a pretty decent streaming study space going now. Will it be worth all the money I didn't have to spend? Who knows, but I'll make it worth it somehow.

It's 11:30am on a Saturday. Assuming I can eat by 12 (unlikely, I'm slow in the mornings - I really need to stick the the schedule I made.. anyways), I can study/do school work for 3 hours until 3, take a break for an hour or two and eat, then clean for an hour or two, break, then school work again. Two 3 hours or studying, One 2 hours of cleaning, and two oneish hours break. Should take me to 10pm. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

Let's see how it goes.

[poetic-emjay]

October 7, 2022

Day 7 - one week in. Nothing really got done yesterday. It's now Friday, and I have to leave in a few minutes to make it to my 8am class. I then have an online test to take before the end of the day that I still need to study for.

I did my 20 pushups and sit ups for today. They aren't much, but if I'm consistent, it should result in something (and of course I'll increase it over time).

Depression is still messing with me, but then again I'm not being consistent with my meds. Not sure they will really help, but I guess I should be taking them while I still have some.

Snow is supposedly coming next week - so cleaning is the main focus this weekend.

I'm tired - it's about 6:30am and I had issues going to sleep last night, so who knows if I'll get anything done today.

[poetic-emjay]

October 6, 2022

Ugh, I need to get productive. Yester of course say me not really doing anything. I did do some pushups and pullups, and I did the same this morning. No cleaning was done, and I didn't go in to school (though my second class was online and I caught that).

Thursdays has a class that starts at 4:15pm - I would have to leave around 2:30. This teacher however teaches both in-person and online. At first it seemed split, but more and more people are staying home. I feel like if I keep going, I may eventually end up the only person in person. Also, Friday has a class that starts at 8a, meaning I gotta leave at 6:30am. It's beneficial to me to take today's class online from home. We'll see. It's 11am now - so I've got about 3 hours before I need to leave for school, let's see how productive I can be. Hopefully at least do the dishes. Actually I should just go do it now rather than say I'll get to it and then never do.

I also need to study, there is a test tomorrow.

Hmm, stay home and do dishes + a minimum of 25 minutes cleaning. Ya, I guess. 3 hours total travel time is such a waste. Hopefully I don't waste it at home either though.

I've back at level 2 for WaniKani - it's getting annoying, but gotta stay consistent. Really need to start adding other study aids to the mix. I'm now behind a day on Pimsleur - gotta do 2 today. Maybe I'll go for a walk and listen to it.

I need to get ready for streaming to. Maybe I'll do a test 3 hours tonight to study. Maybe not, since I gotta get up early. Class in the morning, but the test is online and needs to be completed before the end of the day. Maybe I'll study when I get back tomorrow, just before the test. I also two test next week I gotta study for. Hmm, ya, let me stay home. Cleaning, then hopefully study stream. Or even a stream of me in class? Whatev, let me get on with this day.

[poetic-emjay]

October 5, 2022

Yesterday didn't end well. At the end of the day I felt so down that my chest actually starting having sharp pains. So many things are going wrong these days, I think even more so than ever before. I'm very tempted to just end it all. If I don't then I really need to keep myself busy and distracted.

Yesterday I was supposed to clean, but I only ended up doing about 25 minutes with very late at night, which isn't much considering how messy my place currently is. But it's better than nothing, and assuming I don't make an even bigger mess, 25 minutes a day is 3 hours a week. I did take out some overdue garbage though, so that's good.

Anyway, with the exception of studying for Friday's test, all my homework for this week is done. I do have a number of things due next week though - gunna have to really work on those this weekend.

Wednesdays I have two classes, but I'm considering not going today. Neither class has attendance or in-class participation assignments. They are both electives and the first one has all the learning information online, so I should be okay if I'm not in class for the slides.

The second class, the teacher isn't feeling well so it'll be online - and if I go in to my first class, I won't make it back home in time for the online class as there is only an hour gap and I need at least an hour and a half to get back. I don't want to wait around at school just to do class online.

Normally, with travel time, Wednesdays are about 10 hours of school. The classes themselves are only 3 hours though. I'll save so much time that I can hopefully use towards important stuff like cleaning. Okay, I think I talked myself into it.

The first class starts at 1:30pm. I have a call at 10am with a potential client - it's 8:30 now, so I should eat and get ready.

Plans for today include doing at least one load of dishes, more tidying of the kitchen so I can get in there and mop, and some work on organizing my office space. I also want to start doing 10 pushups a day, so I guess I should get to that.

I don't want to think about last night, so I gotta make sure I'm really busy today.

[poetic-emjay]

October 4, 2022

Today is Tuesday, and I have another morning class I gotta head out to soon. Yesterday after school I took care of some homework due today, and some freelancing tasks. I re-started Pimsleur Japanese - I didn't get that far last time I tried, but I figure the commute to school is a good place to listen to it. They are 30 minutes each, and I did lesson 1 on the way to school yesterday and lesson 2 on the way back. Today I'll do lesson 3 and 4, and going forward I'll just do one lesson, listening to it twice when going and returning. Doing it twice should help cement it, plus from tomorrow the lesson numbers will match the challenge day (shown in the post tags).

I have a proposal to put together for a client that I want to get done today. I also have a test on Friday that I need to study for at some point, plus several larger assignments due next week I need to get started on. I also have a hell of a lot of cleaning to do, as it's getting colder and quickly approaching winter.

I'll probably focus on cleaning today when I get back, and maybe study for my test tomorrow before classes.

Things should go much smoother once this place is clean and organized.

[poetic-emjay]

October 3, 2022

Two days in, and things aren't going so well. But, things weren't going so well just before I started this plan so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. But I'm working on getting on track.

Yesterday didn't see a whole lot done, but did see a lot of money spent on take out. I need to get out of this slump I slipped into at the end of last month.

Today is Monday. Yesterday night I got some homework done that is due today. I have an assignment still to do that's due tomorrow. I also have a few other things to work on and study for. I'll try to get as much as I can done now before I leave for school. Just one class today, but with travel both ways it's gunna take up 6 hours (I don't know why I didn't opt for the online class - oh well).

I didn't end up going for a walk last night, nor did I get any cleaning done. Not sure if any of these will happen this week as I need to catch up with school work and create some proposals for freelance work.

I have about two hours now and two hours when I get home, gotta get as much done as possible.

[poetic-emjay]

October 2, 2022

Yesterday wasn't as productive as I had hoped. Most of the day was spent getting the stuff ready for the study streams - mainly coding a Pomodoro timer widget. I also spent money I don't have order a new microphone, but also a new exercise mat and pullup bar.

Speaking of exercise, I didn't do any of that. I did go out for a 10KM walk last minute though. I didn't get any studying or homework done, so I'll need to do that today.

I did end up resetting my WaniKani last night, so I'm now back to level one from level 6. Hopefully it doesn't take me long to level back up, my goal is completing level 24 by the December 2023 - that should cover all of the N4 kanji. Still need a proper plan for the grammar and vocab though.

So today's goal, at minimum I need to study/do school work, go for another 10KM walk, and get a looooot of cleaning done. I also need to figure out what home exercises I'm going to be doing in the mornings. Then hopefully I can stick the the excact schedule I made for the week starting tomorrow. We'll see.

[poetic-emjay]

October 1, 2022

It's been over a year since I last used this account, not that I used it much before then anyway.

But I'm about to get started on a 2 year plan that starts today - so I'm going to use this account to document my progress (mainly to keep myself accountable and to pretend I have someone to talk to).

One of the main goals is to not talk to or see my ex for at the very least the next two years. She's very toxic and I can't improve my life if I'm around someone like her. She's blocked everywhere and I have no plans of going clubbing for the foreseeable future, so that shouldn't be a problem. Trying not to think about her is another issue altogether though...

Anyway, other than that there are some things I want to try to accomplish despite the fact that I want to kill myself. Hopefully they'll be enough of a distraction from my shitty life.

I'm back in school, working towards a degree in a field I don't really have an interest in - but it's the easiest degree for me to get: social media marketing. My hope is just by having a degree in anything will help me get a job in the field I actually want to be in - programming. It'll also help with my backup plan, which is to move to Japan on the JET programme if life here continues to suck.

Speaking of Japan, I've been inconsistently studying Japanese for years now and still know nothing. I'm going to set a really high goal - not sure if it'll be possible with my limited time and lack of funds, but we'll see. My goal is to pass the JLPT N4 exam next year (skipping N%), and then the N3 exam the year after. One of the things I plan on doing today is resetting my WaniKani progress... I thought about it for a while and I think it's the best thing to do.

Exercising most if not every day is another goal. Not sure if I should spend the money on a gym yet, but realistically I probably should. Will let you know. Also eating way better and getting my blood sugar under control.

Since I'm no longer going out to events and have no friends, combined with fact I want to at least give school proper effort - I'm going to live stream myself studying on Twitch every Saturday. Might start today - I just need tog et everything setup. Hopefully donations will come in from that - cause I'm hella broke in a hella expensive city.

There are so many other things too. I want to learn my coding languages, I want to clean up my place and keep it clean, and I want to start making videos for youtube and tiktok.

Today is day one, Saturday October 1st, 2022. Join me on this journey to self improvement, and let's change our lives around together.

[poetic-emjay]

You'd think it would be an obvious choice between being alone and being cheated on, and yet here we are.

[poetic-emjay]

Looks like insomnia's back in full fucking effect, along side the total indifference of depression. Yayy.

[poetic-emjay]

Baby, I just don't get it, do you enjoy being hurt? I know you smelled the perfume, the make-up on his shirt You don't believe his stories, you know that they're all lies Bad as you are, you stick around and I just don't know why

[poetic-emjay]

trigger warning: sexual assault

I love this song and this music video, and of course both of these artists

(this video is littered with youtubers, can you spot them all?)

[poetic-emjay]

#truth