pointless-crustacean

[pointless-crustacean]

24%06/2025

This isn't me trying to be cool and write something edgy, I just want to complain.

But I desperately want to be a morning person. I want to wake up with the sun and make myself a hot drink that I can sit in a calm environment and enjoy. Unfortunately the sounds of people breathing makes me want to rip my skin off.

There's a quiet joy I get in being awake till midnight with rain falling outside my window, but I want to experience morning dew, I want to experience the sun being barely risen and me walking around. But the hustle and bustle of my parents getting ready for work SUCKS, they drive me insane. I want to sleep through their showers that rattle the wall the bathroom shares with my bedroom, I want to sleep through them arguing and the "I really don't have the time! I'm going to be late!"

I either want to wake up well before that or we'll after, and it just happens to be that I'd rather stay up late and sleep in even later.

One day I'll trade the 1am bed times and 10am wakeups for 5am wakeups and 10pm bed times. I want to do better and be better.

I want an environment conducive to growth. I want to be a morning person.

[pointless-crustacean]

15/05/2025

Thinking about how he gave me and his boyfriend mint gum before he kissed us both. I knew that's what was happening, but I guess I was still a little drunk and it hadn't clicked till now.

[pointless-crustacean]

09/05/2025

You know, my mum is kind of awful. She's emotionally manipulative, and she makes me feel like shit.

But I love her. I made her a cake and cleaned the house because she's going to spend most of the weekend of mothers day on her own.

Just because she makes me feel like shit doesn't mean I have to make her feel the same way.

[pointless-crustacean]

07/05/2025 - (TW for self harm recovery, ED topics, and I guess abuse also maybe, idk man just be kind to your brain)

So it's been a bit since I've written anything for this blog. To be honest a lot has happened, but I've been putting those big feelings into my art and reconstructing what got broken along the way.

I'm not friends with that person anymore, the one I would obsessively write about due to being almost trained into loving him regardless. A lot can happen once you've realised that you've lost count of how many second chances you've given, and that maybe the term "love bombing" wasn't just a distant concept.

My sisters are huge helps in helping me unpack the damage my parents have done. My parents are lovely, but it feels nice to have someone reassure me that I'm not insane and that living with them is difficult, and that I am different because of it.

I got glasses. I'm currently wearing neither pair, since I had to get two with different prescriptions, one for reading and one for seeing.

I'm rewriting my stories to better match how I feel about my life at the minute, they were starting to get too far away for me to understand conceptually anyway. Hopefully I'll illustrate them soon.

I asked a guy out on a date, and it went miserably wrong. We're still good pals though. Went to a concert for a band I found all on my own, which I saw on said date that went "miserably wrong".

I'm cleaning my room (again) because I made a new friend who knows where I live and I'd like to have him over for lunch sometime if I'm being honest. I really like him, I think he's cool.

Mums realised she has too much shit in a house that can't fit it all, so she's finally started sorting her shit out. Love her to pieces but I think she needs to throw it all out.

I'm okay. I haven't self harmed in ages, I think about it often, but I don't crave it like I used to. The phrase "im going to kill myself" is falling out of my vocabulary. Slowly. That one im still working on. But I haven't been starving myself like I used to either, it was never to serve the purpose of starving myself, but I've been letting myself eat. I guess I'm not in as much of a hurry.

I've been sorting out my wardrobe and replacing the clothes that don't fit me instead of holding onto unrealistic expectations for someone who's been six feet tall since the eighth grade. I made my bed today, I've been sleeping on an empty mattress and in the spare bed for weeks, so I guess that's a win also.

I've got friends that love me and spend time with me, but I'm not putting my worth in their company. And I go see movies now, I take the bus and I go see movies instead of missing out every time there's something I want to see in theatres. It's great.

It's hard, and I'm working even harder on trying to build healthy habits and a healthy mindset now that I'm out of highschool.

[pointless-crustacean]

13/04/2025

I'm nothing but meat to be consumed.

It's worthless to say what I want.

No one wants their meal to beg for forgiveness.

[pointless-crustacean]

17/03/2024

There was a time on the bus coming from your house, I asked you if we were friends. You told me the question was weird, because "If we were really friends wouldn't you just know?"

Which answered the question for me, because I didn't know. I really want to be your friend, but I don't think we are, and I don't think you've actually wanted to be my friend for a really long time.

To me it feels like you've been embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with me for the better part of a year, perhaps more. You've cropped me out of screenshots of our calls so you can send them to your friends, you didnt follow me on anything if it meant your friends would see it, and it hasnt felt entirely like you were interested in what was going on in my life unless you could tell I was falling apart at the seams.

Like if you couldn't avoid the fact I looked like I wanted to kill myself you'd ask, but if you could you'd just ask how my art was coming along.

Once while writing I compared our relationship to a relapse, like I was a crutch for your feelings and when you wanted to experiment or push your boundaries to grow as a person you'd come calling.

We'd hang out for a month or two, multiple times every week, we'd message all the time, we'd hangout and you'd tell me you wanted to kiss me, then a few days later you'd tell me you didn't like kissing and we'd stop hanging out and you'd slowly stop responding to my messages.

I'm sorry if I made it weird by telling you I was still interested in you, I'm not anymore. I immediately let go of it when you told me you were interested in him, I just wish you hadn't used me to push your physical boundaries so you could test run being intimate with your boyfriend.

You always made it really clear that you never wanted me to feel used, but it's kind of hard to not feel that way when you seemed to distance yourself from me more when you made new friends.

I'm happy for you, they seem to really care about you and you all seem to get along really well, and I'm really happy your relationship with him seems to be so happy and healthy. It's just incredibly clear to me that you have no interest in including me in your life any further in any capacity.

You said talking to me triggers a panic response if I'm remembering correctly. I just want you to consider that maybe you're ashamed of me, like talking to me is a bad thing and like you'll get in trouble for it. We haven't always had a healthy relationship, we met when we were 14/15 and both incredibly unwell, and I've worked out what a friendship is supposed to feel like and so have you.

I am genuinely asking you this, do you still expect me to treat you with the expectations we set for eachother at 15?

If we are to be friends, genuinely friends and not whatever we are at the moment, can we please start from the beginning and set our expectations and boundaries from the start.

I would like to be your friend, I'm tired of feeling like you're embarrassed of it.

[pointless-crustacean]

22/02/2025

To be loved is to be known,

to be loved is to be changed.

To be loved by you is to become a substance.

You love like it's a relapse.

[pointless-crustacean]

5/03/2024

You always get the last fucking word huh

[pointless-crustacean]

22/02/2025

Is it weird that I need you completely wiped off the board for me to no longer consider you a part of the game? Is it weird that once you're off, it's almost like you were never a variable at all, merely a retired player.

[pointless-crustacean]

22/02/2025

So a big fuck you to me at age 11. It didn't fucking work you dweeb, we're making it to 19 whether or not you like it. Things are different, your friends weren't very nice, and a few of my friends aren't always nice either, but the friends I have now are infinitely better than yours. I can't believe you ever thought they really cared about you.

Which is a weird thing to say to a child, "your friends aren't real". But one day you'll work out they know you're suffering and they chose to do nothing, one day you'll realize that they didn't know your worth, and you'll find a group of idiots that understand and love you regardless.

The kids who made fun of you never grow up, some more literally than others. Our grandma dies, and our sibling's nanna dies a few months later. You won't know how to handle it either, and you'll cry over the death of your pets much more than your blood relatives.

We still cut sometimes, not always. There's a point where you realize you can burn yourself, and you get these ugly little scars on your hands that only you notice now that they've faded. But it get's better, it doesn't stay as deep, it isn't as frequent, nor is it born out of self hatred.

You work out why you're so uncomfortable all the time, it makes it complicated for a while, and to be honest, you only get slightly less uncomfortable. But I'm working on it, by the time you get here I'm hoping I'll have fixed that, it'll take a while though.

You cry, a lot. Over lots of things. Right now you're crying over your birthday and the fact you're scared about your friends safety, but it'll be alright.

Goodnight little guy.

[pointless-crustacean]

22/02/2025

To be loved is to be known,

to be loved is to be changed.

To be loved by you is to become a substance.

You love like it's a relapse.

[pointless-crustacean]

07/12/2024 - (The first line in something I found in my notes app)

I think I might end up making a bigger deal of this then I need to, I want to say it though.

[pointless-crustacean]

17/12/2024

I had a dream that he and I were sat in a food court and talking. I don't remember why, but I tried to touch his hand and he pulled away so I tried to play it off but was clearly bothered by it. So he cautiously tried to hold my hand again to make me feel better, and we ended up holding hands and joking about movies we liked as kids.

Then I clearly got conscious enough to realise that wasn't realistic and would never happen, so the dream changed into me meeting one of my favourite artists and then into one of the movies he and I had talked about.

I think that says a lot about the friendship we have.

I've dreamt about him three days in a row now.

[pointless-crustacean]

19/12/2024

I think I'm enjoying the strange sense of satisfaction from knowing you're in second place.

[pointless-crustacean]

18/12/2024

Time to try and be normal and not be poetic about my own sadness right now.

But god I just want to die. It's 12:35am on a Thursday, my grandmother died two weeks ago and I'm due to drive 14 hours back home in the morning, and I'm contemplating my own suicide again.

I don't like that I make him worry, I thought he'd stopped and that he had forgotten how miserable I am. But he knows. Amongst his work, his family commitments, his education, his other friends, his boyfriend. He still remembers the signs of when it's getting bad, even if he doesn't get to see them as much, he still knows.

I wish he wouldn't worry, he'd be better off if he never had to worry about me again, but I still worry about him every day. And plus, if he didn't worry about me I think he'd forget about me more than he already does, and I'd miss him too much.

I hope I die soon.

My friends have been forgetting me more and more, it makes me want to leave them all behind. Travel to places they don't know about and not tell anyone. Is it sad? That I've traded begging for the attention of my friends for letting a man on the other side of the globe use me to get off?

I don't even like him that much. I just want to be his friend.

I hate it here. I want to go home and give up, lay in bed and let myself dissapear. It'd be more satisfying with someone else, I think I need a hug. I'll settle for the pillows in this shitty cabin though, close my eyes and listen to songs that make me sad while I pretend the pillow I'm hugging is someone who cares about me.

This shit sucks.

[pointless-crustacean]

18/12/2024

I've returned to feeling like my existence is a case of consumption.

My hobbies and passions are things to be viewed, consumed by the viewer and absorbed into their own thoughts.

My body is something to be consumed, something to be swallowed whole by those more comfortable with that fact than I. I will never escape the fact that my body is viewed as a sex object and craved in the way that wolves crave meat.

To reclaim that simple fact as my own, to own the fact that I am a commodity, an item to be sold and bought, I must expose myself to it further. And somehow I've managed to trap myself once more in the hands of someone I do not trust with my soul.

He knows my name now, that I yearn to have my work and passions consumed and not myself. I have willingly flown into the jaws of the wolf in hopes that maybe I'd find comfort in my own butchery.

[pointless-crustacean]

07/12/2024

You'll never realise there's a version of me curled up in my ribcage, the version that beats at the bars of its cage and cries out for you.

I may rest my head on your pillow, and yours on my chest. We'll both pretend that we can't hear eachother breathing, and you'll pretend you don't know my heart beats for you.

23/10/2024

One day you'll realise there's a version of me curled up in my own ribcage that you'll never get to meet, and it beats at the bars of its cage every day hoping that it gets heard.

I don't want anyone to hear it, so I quiet the screaming by breathing slowly and wearing thick sweaters.

But maybe if we both rest our heads, mine on your pillow and yours on my chest, it'll be okay for you to hear my heart beat, and for the quiet sobs of a boy you haven't met yet.