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Hello everyone,

it’s me, the lost daughter. I have pretty much abandoned tumblr but I still check on it every now and then, thinking of you guys. Although I haven’t been active artistically lately, I’m still doing quite ok. I’ve found two new loves that enrich my life so immensely... and of course I am talking about cats. So I did what every responsible adult would do, I made an Instagram account for them. If you like, you can follow me and we can become estranged friends that never really interact on yet another platform. Wouldn’t that be great?

S

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DRAGON AGE 4!!! YAAAAAAASSSSS!!!!!!

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Since tumblr is going to get rid of all the nsfw stuff, I thought I might reblog some of my old pieces before deleting them in a couple of days… just in case you wanna see them one last time.

This is the last one.

some Karl/Anders love before I’m going to take a little break from drawing fan art

dedicated to combination-nc and annaturaldisaster

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Since tumblr is going to get rid of all the nsfw stuff, I thought I might reblog some of my old pieces before deleting them in a couple of days… just in case you wanna see them one last time.

I’m not sure male nipples count as nsfw, but who knows. Since apparently female nipples are pornographic in nature and not, as I falsely assumed, a means to nurse the infants.

hahren na melana sahlin emma ir abelas souver'inan isala hamin vhenan him dor'felas in uthenera na revas

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Since tumblr is going to get rid of all the nsfw stuff, I thought I might reblog some of my old pieces before deleting them in a couple of days… just in case you wanna see them one last time.

Sorry, old stuff again… but every now and then I need to fenders.

Yes, Fenders is a verb now.

It can be everything in fact.

Because.

Fenders.

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Since tumblr is going to get rid of all the nsfw stuff, I thought I might reblog some of my old pieces before deleting them in a couple of days… just in case you wanna see them one last time.

Well, there are no nipples in this picture, but the act of a person sucking another person’s breast must count as pornography, right? I mean, come on, we are all civilized here. Put your breasts where they belong, woman! In the hands (bad pun) of people that clearly know everything about such things as anatomy, reproduction or body autonomy.

I did another DARBB piece.

And the one and only missl0nelyhearts wrote a story for it.

“Things Behind the Sun” on AO3

masterpost

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Hey fellas, since tumblr is going to get rid of all the nsfw stuff, I thought I might reblog some of my old pieces before deleting them in a couple of days... just in case you wanna see them one last time.

commissioned by the lovely syrenpan for her story heart of the tiger

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So, I just casually went through my dashboard before going to bed. It’s a habit, even though I don’t feel like I’m part of this whole tumblr family (which is probably a mere figment of my imagination anyway) anymore. And I read one of those memes or whatever these things are called, where you get tagged and have to answer some questions. One of the questions was: Where do you see yourself in 10 years? And it made me think. Because I couldn’t see myself. But it’s not a bad thing. I always knew, what I wanted to be; what I wanted to become. I always knew I wanted to do art. There was no other option. When I was a kid I dreamed of one day becoming famous. As I grew older my ambitions toned down to something slightly more realistic, like draw my own comics, become an illustrator and somehow be able to pay the rent. As I said: slightly more realistic.

But as time went by, my dreams faded away until I reached a point where I frequently couldn’t see myself at all ten years from now. And there’s that lump forming in my throat even thinking about it.

But as I read that question today, it felt different. The thing is, I have no idea, where I’m going to be in ten years. Or who I’m going to be. And it’s frightening, sure, but manageable. Having lost my way, my aspirations, has been a terrifying process. There have been many dark days (and there still are, although less overwhelming). But I feel like I can do it. Whatever it is. And that made me think of something someone once said to me; it’s a quote from John Lennon who probably got it from someone else: Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Which sounds awfully simplistic, but it kinda stuck with me and it turned out to be true.

So yeah, I have no fucking idea what the future brings, but I’m here to find out.

I’m here.

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You are awesome and you matter. Just thought you should know.

Thank you so much, lovely anon. This means a lot to me. Just so you (and anybody who might be interested) know, I’m doing ok these days. Work is very demanding, but mostly in a good way. I’ve promised myself to be more optimistic, even though it might still be hard at times and there are still challenges to overcome. But I’m actually feeling ok about all that.

Anyway, thank you again and have a wonderful day. I hope you are doing fine yourself. 

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tiny little update

A couple of days ago I felt spiraling into a depressive episode. I was already getting anxious about it. But now it’s like, it’s ebbing away slowly. I think it might be due to the meds, which is so relieving, honestly.

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Sufjan Stevens - Mystery of Love

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KLOPS!

It’s short and to the point. Fight me!

Meat ball in German dialects.

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Hello everyone,

it’s been a while so I thought I’d say hello.

Well, I have gotten into that new job. And so far I quite enjoy it. It feels more suitable to me than any other position I’ve been in so far, which is good, I guess. I really hope that impression lasts.

Besides, I’ve been trying some meds to... you know... make life a little more manageable. I’m not there yet, but I keep fighting and hoping.

I can’t quite find the energy to draw or do anything beyond basic human tasks and work, but I’m not giving up.

The main reason I’m stopping by is to thank everyone who’s had some nice words during the last couple of months, especially @absinthianajones. You have no idea how much these little gestures mean to me.

People like you are the reason I keep coming back to this place.

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Hi, to be honest, I don’t know if at this point anybody is still interested in hearing from me, but there is something I want to share with you, so there is going to be some (probably way too) personal stuff about work and art and mental health behind the cut.

The thing is, my life hasn’t exactly been full of sunshine and rainbows for a very long time. Or, as the German proverb goes: Das Leben ist kein Ponyhof!

And by “long time” I mean, I have suffered from Depression and Anxiety for as long as I can think. And it’s taken a toll on me. It has affected me so much that I don’t even know the person I would be without it.

I’m not saying this to be pitied or anything. I’m saying this because, today I finally managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist... after having tried for many years. Because every single time I managed to gather the courage to ask for help I got disappointed. I either was not taken seriously or I got straight-away rejected. And for someone who already has no sense of self-worth that’s the worst that can happen.

So today I took all my courage (again) and I finally succeeded. And while it’s just an appointment, just a date on my calendar, it’s still a milestone for me personally and it’s probably the first time I’m actually looking forward to a visit to the doctor.

Aside from that I'm doing trial work tomorrow for a job I’m interested in. The chances are good I get the job (I’ve already had an interview) but my gut feeling is so-so, I’m really hoping tomorrow will bring clarity.

In addition I have been thinking about creating art and fan art in particular; and what it means to me. As you might have noticed, over the last couple of years I have drawn less and less... not because I’ve lost interest but because of... well, all the shit I’ve mentioned earlier and in other posts.

The problem is, I want to work, I want to draw and paint stuff for others and for myself, I want to give others treats and make them smile with my art (that’s why I wanted to do that give-away... and to say “thank you”). BUT I have to acknowledge that I am not in the position to do so at this point in my life. Right now what is most important to me is to get better, so that one day I can be at peace with myself.

What I’m saying is, don’t expect a lot of fan art from me in the near future. And should you decide to unfollow me due to this, I can absolutely understand.

On the other hand, should you still want to follow me, even though there’s not a lot I can offer in return... thank you, I appreciate it.

Also thanks to everyone who read this far.

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another update

just in case anybody wants to know.

I’ve lost my job... well, not exactly, I got removed to another location.

As some might know I used to work with schoolchildren; and while I had thought about resigning for a while now, I never actually followed through with it, because I wanted to stay for the kids.

Now, I got suddenly and at very short notice removed to work with a pre-kindergarten group at the other end of the city.

So, over the last 2 weeks I’ve been constantly emotionally overwhelmed.

It’s like, you can do your best, take all the shit from your boss or colleges, just to get dumped like you’re nothing.

Fuck them!