pollkien

[pollkien]

The One Ring: Sauron’s pussy manifested as a cock ring. Can never get back to its rightful owner. Pings Sauron every 3 seconds discord style when someone puts it on. Was stuck with a starved freak for 500 years. Died in a volcano

Faramir: Boromir’s less cool brother (according to their dad). Apparently he wasn’t ginger?? Favored lore and poetry over battle and ruled for approximately 10 seconds before Aragorn showed up but at least he got to be Aragorn’s advisor. Married Éowyn! Good for him

[pollkien]

Nimrodel (art by Līga Kļaviņa): blaming the Sindar and Noldor for the coming of evil to the east is an interesting take. Refused to marry Amroth for……. Some reason? Got lost trying to find Amroth and then we never heard from her again so she could still be out there living her worst life.

Saeros (art by Ted Nasmith): the Curufin of the Sindar. Racist and pathetic but is apparently skilled in song. Faithful and wise until Túrin showed up. In his defense I would also lose my mind if someone sat in my assigned seat. Fell to his death after being chased around while naked in the woods

[pollkien]

We’re so back (posted from hopital)

[pollkien]

Sorry for not posting here every time I have an Event in my life I lose all energy to do anything for that day

[pollkien]

Maeglin (art by Lorraine Brevig): was barely 20 when he died. Born into the shittiest family possible bc on one side you’re doomed and on the other side your dad is insane paranoid and racist. Creeped on his cousin and then failed. Bounced three times when he was pushed off a cliff bc he had beef with and tried to kill a 7 year old

Sauron: abandoned a perfectly normal life under Aulë to chase his dream of being Arda’s biggest pain in the ass. Unfortunately only got second place at that because of Morgoth. Got his ass kicked by some girl and a dog and then ran away like a coward from Eönwë. Got laughed at by orcs and swept away by a tsunami. Had to come back as some spirit halloween edition of himself under “the necromancer”. Never got his cock ring back

[pollkien]

Elrond: low opacity edition! Got kidnapped and thrown in a cave by two guys who then later adopted him. Was probably so sad when his twin died. I can see him having daddy issues. Bilbo sang about his dad who he never gets to see ever to his face. Just seems like a pathetic dude

Niënor (art by Kimberly): Niënor: can’t decide if her name is Nienor or Niënor. Got Got by Glaurung real bad and ran naked in the woods. Killed herself by jumping into a river so extremely soaked. Was buried next to Túrin I think? Did they find her body??

[pollkien]

Ancalagon you’re a loser in my heart. 💔

[pollkien]

i hope you know that every time i see the pathetic soggy poll bracket it's always hilarious to me. just one blow after another. Mount Doom. The Ring. The Reader. Jirt himself. Bimbor. Egg Lion.

and yet Mount Doom lost! Clearly none of you see my vision

[pollkien]

Who's Going in the Dunk Tank poll - feat. a varied selection of Tolkien characters

This is less about who does or doesn't deserve it, and more about who would be the most amusing choice. But at the end of the day, you can dunk someone out of spite, endearment, or just silliness.

If you don't see the character you want today, keep an eye out, because they might show up soon!

(@pollkien because I think you'd like this 😂)

[pollkien]

Ancalagon (art by Donato Giancola): imagine being the world’s biggest baddest coolest dragon and then you don’t even live through a single battle and, in fact, get killed by some guy on a boat

Isildur: severely fucks up by not throwing the ring into the lava. Was part of that iconic CAST IT INTO THE FIRE!!! DESTROY IT!!!! No. Scene. Pretty much instantly got betrayed by the ring too and died in a river

[pollkien]

Húrin (art by Kimberly): short! His entire bloodline got cursed and he had to watch all of it go down. Once he got released he was kinda just wandering and homeless. Tirned the people of Haleth against eachother oopsies. Killed himself too

Déagol: imagine being strangled by your loser cousin that’s all I have to say

[pollkien]

Hello sorry I forgot to post for like three days oops here be polls!

[pollkien]

Elenwë (art by Marya Filatova): imagine being the only full Vanya who followed in the Flight of the Noldor, only to drown half way like a pathetic little loser. Come on, Elenwë. Was your heart so feeble you Had to just stumble onto a crack and fall in the water with your daughter, forcing your husband to choose only one to save?

Celebrimbor (art by Angus McBride): he is probably autistic and got manipulated by Sauron so hard. Also likely has daddy and mommy issues due to disowning his father and being forsaken by his mother. Had to find solice in dwarves

[pollkien]

Mount Doom: I don’t know I think Mount Doom has some kind of cringe fail aura to it. It could be your blorbo even. Imagine being the place of forging the One Ring and then having it destroyed in your fires. Kinda sad. Kinda cringe. Kinda fail! Also it wasn’t even that tall

First Noldo That Drowned In Alqualondë: well it had to be someone and it was this guy. I know the picture is inaccurate but that’s not the point. Someone should totally make an OC about this

[pollkien]

Congratulations to our sweeping winners! Wow!!

[pollkien]

Curufin (art by Elena Kukanova): well it’s Curufin. His patheticness speaks for itself. First off he is Fëanor except twice as lame in every way. Failed at kidnapping a princess and failed at killing his cousin’s weird rapist husband (possibly didn’t even really care about it). His entire life is filled with flop after flop that I’m shocked he kept going for as long as he did. Someone liked him enough to marry him and have a son with him which is crazy. And yet even his son was cooler than him. Typing all this just makes me feel so bad for this guy because what does he even do other than fail miserably at all times. Oh yeah he also got throttled by Beren and had his knife and horse stolen I fucking love this matchup. Cringe fail Son of Fëanor vs Guy who robbed him

Beren (art by Tuuliky): first off he has a very friendly smile he looks very cute. Invented being a vegan. Not sure if he ate eggs though so possibly vegetarian? Decided that he’s too cool for two hands so he lost one. Otherwise just a completely ordinary guy that somehow scored the hottest girl ever. Jirt’s self insert. Had a loser son that lasted less than 40 years. Also watched his bestie get murdered by a werewolf (after murdering said werewolf) and sang a pathetic song about it or something.

[pollkien]

Curufin (art by Elena Kukanova): well it’s Curufin. His patheticness speaks for itself. First off he is Fëanor except twice as lame in every way. Failed at kidnapping a princess and failed at killing his cousin’s weird rapist husband (possibly didn’t even really care about it). His entire life is filled with flop after flop that I’m shocked he kept going for as long as he did. Someone liked him enough to marry him and have a son with him which is crazy. And yet even his son was cooler than him. Typing all this just makes me feel so bad for this guy because what does he even do other than fail miserably at all times. Oh yeah he also got throttled by Beren and had his knife and horse stolen I fucking love this matchup. Cringe fail Son of Fëanor vs Guy who robbed him

Beren (art by Tuuliky): first off he has a very friendly smile he looks very cute. Invented being a vegan. Not sure if he ate eggs though so possibly vegetarian? Decided that he’s too cool for two hands so he lost one. Otherwise just a completely ordinary guy that somehow scored the hottest girl ever. Jirt’s self insert. Had a loser son that lasted less than 40 years. Also watched his bestie get murdered by a werewolf (after murdering said werewolf) and sang a pathetic song about it or something.