polyamwitchymom

[polyamwitchymom]

Oof, the past few months have been a doozy. The good news is we aren't totally SOL on a roof over our heads. And Christmas will be spent with the remaining family members. I both have hope for the coming year while simultaneously feeling like life will swing another punch as soon as I get too positive. But regardless, here's what I'm thankful for:

♡My baby, and finally feeling physically normal again!

♡The time I got to spend with dad.

♡The support I've gotten from friends and family.

What I'm hopeful for in the coming year:

☆Getting some stability both financially and in regards to a living situation (we've got solid plans, it will just take time).

��Having more intentional time with both my kids.

☆Getting a creative outlet and maybe doing things for myself a little more often.

2024 sucked. I know nationally and globally we're going into 2025 with a bit of... well, let's say, concern. But I'm hoping for my personal life things will even out a little.

[polyamwitchymom]

I know I complained about my dad on here, but now that he's gone I really really wished I posted about the good moments too. The two posts I made were literally the only issues that came up during my month with him. Everything else was smooth and good and he seemed more like the dad I had before he became hyper religious and before he let hurt sour into anger and push people away. He was slowly healing and I didn't give him much of a chance to show me... Maybe because I thought he had more time and I could slowly come back into his life....

What my friends did was shitty. But in hindsight if they hadn't kicked me out like they did I wouldn't have had this last month with dad. He wouldn't have gotten to meet his grandson, my daughter who missed him terribly would have been devastated. She is, but she got to have so much time with him. Reading through some of his journal entries, he was really lonely and us being around really helped.

It all still feels so surreal... He was here and then he wasn't.... Monday, my dad and I watched Stargate 1 and he rocked my son to sleep. The next day I got a message from his manager that he had a medical emergency at work and was at the hospital. Now, I'm waiting on a call from the funeral home for them to tell me that his body has arrived and to schedule an appointment to talk about how we want to go about things...

When I called the hospital and they told me that he had been found without a pulse and they did everything they could to resuscitate him to no avail I somehow stayed calm. They told me to take my time heading up there and to have someone else drive if possible. I got off the phone with them and I broke down. When they brought me back to see him and say goodbye I knew I'd be saying goodbye to a body... I've seen dead bodies before. It never ceases to surprise me how different the body looks when the person has left it behind. Dad looked grey and so much older than he was. I kept looking to see his chest moving like he was breathing or his eyes to move behind his eyelids like he was asleep, but it never happened. I knew it wouldn't.

I don't know what's going to happen from here... I just know I want my dad back.

[polyamwitchymom]

[polyamwitchymom]

Good god. My dad can be so fucking chill and then he hears a phrase or idea he disagrees with and he is one step away from plugging his ears and going "lalalala that's a lieeee"

Like dude, please chill, a slightly different viewpoint or opinion doesn't mean someone is trying to deceive you. Take a breath, please.

[polyamwitchymom]

And dad is trying to show me a video about how Joseph Smith really wasn't a polygamist (evidence being "because he said so") and how bad it is to have multiple partners and anyone who does is going to hell *eyes roll to the 8th dimension*

Someone shoot me.

[polyamwitchymom]

[polyamwitchymom]

[polyamwitchymom]

The older you get, the more you choose calmness over drama and distance over disrespect. You prioritize your peace, mental health, and happiness - over everything.

[polyamwitchymom]

People who wound us get no say in how we clean up the blood.

Harriet Selina

[polyamwitchymom]

[polyamwitchymom]

[polyamwitchymom]

does your hand still feel familiar in mine?

[polyamwitchymom]

It's been 11 days since we were told to get out immediately. I ended up asking if my dad can house us (me and the kids) for a little while, as that was my only option at that point. He said he could. My partner went to his dad's. Once we got everything out of their house and settled into my dad's I sent the following message

And then I blocked the main three that were involved on everything, unfriended two that didn't seem to be directly involved, but are very much associated, and just unfollowed another that wasn't involved and I'm not even sure has any opinion on anything regarding the situation.

Then, exactly a week after I moved into my dad's, my partner got a message from one of the people I blocked. They were apologizing and admitting that we deserved a conversation. My partner responded back saying that he accepts their apology, but I likely won't, and he asked what happened on their side. The response was that small things built up and their partner went on a warpath and they didn't stop them. I thought about posting the screenshots from that conversation with identities censored but it just doesn't sit comfortably with me at the moment.

Small things... The reason we were kicked out was because "small things built up."

I feel very torn. I want to have a conversation, but not until I get to a point where I feel more stable. I want to accept their apology, but I don't want to accept them back into our lives. I don't have room for grudges, but thinking about everything makes me feel like I have a stone in my chest.

My brother who has stayed with them before has his theories as to what all went down, and I don't want to speculate because that's where we end up assuming the worst in people, but based on experience... I can't say I assume the best...

[polyamwitchymom]

Lol nevermind, they want us out today 🙃

The 16th day.

Without explanation.

They don't have Tumblr and don't know what my blog is called so I don't think they saw my post. I haven't been active on social media or told anyone except family (and my followers) what's going on. We have intentionally stayed out of their way.

Again, what the hell did we do??

Going from "everything is fine, I just have anxiety" to "oh god my only mode of transportation decided to overheat and give up suddenly" to "we have 30 days to get out of the place we've been staying at and we haven't been told why and there was no prelude to this at all" in just 3 days, and just under 2 months after my son was born.....

Very jaring.

I haven't vented many other places except my private journal because these are the kind of people to try and label me as "playing the victim" when I'm just pointing out that the situation fucking sucks. Though, I don't see myself as a victim. No one's the villain, victim, or hero, we aren't protagonists, this isn't a novel... The situation just sucks and I morally disagree with how my former friends chose to do what they did. I have no doubt that something happened or was building up, but from the beginning I asked them to talk to me if something was wrong. They chose not to, and went about giving us the 30 day notice in a way that really let us know we aren't welcome here and all attempts at trying to figure out why have been dodged.

So yeah... There are a lot of layers to this, but the bottom line is I'm in a pickle and have very limited options, and I've lost what I thought were some very close friends.

[polyamwitchymom]

Going from "everything is fine, I just have anxiety" to "oh god my only mode of transportation decided to overheat and give up suddenly" to "we have 30 days to get out of the place we've been staying at and we haven't been told why and there was no prelude to this at all" in just 3 days, and just under 2 months after my son was born.....

Very jaring.

I haven't vented many other places except my private journal because these are the kind of people to try and label me as "playing the victim" when I'm just pointing out that the situation fucking sucks. Though, I don't see myself as a victim. No one's the villain, victim, or hero, we aren't protagonists, this isn't a novel... The situation just sucks and I morally disagree with how my former friends chose to do what they did. I have no doubt that something happened or was building up, but from the beginning I asked them to talk to me if something was wrong. They chose not to, and went about giving us the 30 day notice in a way that really let us know we aren't welcome here and all attempts at trying to figure out why have been dodged.

So yeah... There are a lot of layers to this, but the bottom line is I'm in a pickle and have very limited options, and I've lost what I thought were some very close friends.

[polyamwitchymom]

some of you bitches deserve a nap and a milkshake tbh

[polyamwitchymom]

Ok, so just for funzies and this reblog really got me thinking, I'm gonna try to explain the different kinds of romantic love I've experienced as best I can. These are categories that I associate colors with, and I can feel more than one "category" of love for a person at a time, or sometimes they shift into one another. Also for those who may need it, Content Warning: I make reference to sex, BDSM, and kink as romantic love and those things are intertwined for me.

These first two I don't consider romantic love but for me they usually prelude strong romantic feelings:

Light Blue 🔷 (crush): can't stop thinking about the person and interactions I've had with them. Thinking they seem really cool and wanting to get to know them in maybe a romantic context (though platonic crushes are also a thing I experience). Que the typical excitement when around them, butterflies in my tummy, heart skipping a beat, can't help but to smile when I see them. The physiological responses aren't super intense usually.

Orange 🔶 (infatuation): I feel obsessed with someone, my mind can't seem to focus on anything else when I start thinking about them/are around them. This usually takes the form of daydreams, both realistic and fantastical. Sometimes this builds a false idea of who the person is in my mind and I need to be very aware of that as my brain hyper fixates. The physiological responses when interacting with the person are more intense: heart pounding, feeling dizzy, thoughts racing. I've not often experienced this, and I'm glad because it can be alarming to go through and hiding it can feel stressful. I also am not 100% sure but this is probably linked back to mental health issues, idk.

These are the romantic feelings I've experienced in relationships. Unlike the precursors, I don't have specific names for these, just colors that I associate with them:

Neon green 💚: this kind of love feels very goofy, I guess. Not very serious. I want to go on adventures with the person I feel this way with, make memories with them, tell jokes etc. The sillier we are with each other, the closer and more comfortable I feel with them. Like, to the point where it's ok to be gross in front of each other. For me, this kind of love can lend itself well to roleplay and kink, and even just being able to not be embarrassed or feel pressure during intimacy, even if things don't go as planned/expected. I think of spontaneous nighttime adventures or planning fun elaborate trips. Not really any one particular aesthetic associated with this one and the feeling is typically medium to mild.

Deep red ❤️: This love is borderline obsessive (and very intense) and there's usually more of an emphasis on physical intimacy, and there's a sort of... Antagonistic/competitive nature to it? I thought this one would be the easiest to describe, but I almost feel like I can only describe it with aesthetics and archetypes. Think Morticia and Gomez Adams, but enemies to lovers. This kind of love lends itself well to BDSM, kinks, and especially sadism and masochism. It makes me think of dark Gothic aesthetics and forbidden love.

Light pink 🩷: this kind of love is specifically sapphic for me, as in, I've only really felt it for very fem people. I'm sure this can be experienced towards masc people, but that hasn't been my personal experience. This is the kind of love that makes me feel very warm and safe, like when I'm around the person, I can easily talk about difficult things and all the bad of the world just seems kind of far away. It's not an intense feeling, it's very gentle, and I look at the person I feel this feeling for like they're a precious gem or a work of art: I take in as much detail as I can. The intimate moments (both sexual and nonsexual) feel very tender. I have noticed that this kind of love makes it hard for me to do D/s type of dynamics with the person. I associate this feeling with the aesthetics coquette and cottagecore. It reminds me a lot of the kind of gay close friendships I experienced growing up.

Purple 💜: This is that kind of love I'd say most people experience after the "honeymoon phase" and is typically coupled with another type of love. It's not usually stand alone, and it usually is something I have to develop with time. It's something experienced day to day, as you work as a team, or generally keep each other updated about life, or just send memes to one another. It's familiar, strong, reassuring. You know the person well and they know you well, you both know how to navigate each other. In regards to how this love relates to intimacy for me, it can really go anywhere; sometimes it's just nonsexual intimate moments, sometimes it's sexual but not very spicy(bdsm, kinky), sometimes it's extra spicy, but on all accounts there's a certain amount of familiarity. Also not any one particular aesthetic associated with this one. Despite how I've described it as almost mundane or ordinary, this love is somehow both intense and mild. Like, I've grown used to it, but if I were to lose it/the person were to leave, I'd feel like I suddenly lost a limb. I'd feel like a very important part of my life would be missing.

I WISH ROMANTIC FEELINGS HAD A REAL FUCKING DEFINITION!!!!!

"Butterflies in your tummy" I get that every time I talk to anyone because I'm an anxious wreck

"Ohh you get all blushy" I blush whenever I remember literally any compliment from anyone. I blush when someone says I blink robotically. I blush when I remember that time my driving instructor said I went through a stop sign correctly.

"You get nervous when thinking about them" I'm always nervous.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!