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Nobody actually enjoys me being around...I dont see why I even bother.

They tried to pull me back into the drama again...Fucking hell...why can’t they just leave me alone...

Is this really how my social life will be? be surrounded by people that dont share any interests as me and bore me to death and make me scared all the time with the situations they put themselves in and try to drag me down too?? 

Be longing for acceptance from the people I want to be friends with so badly but never can bc I’m never as interesting as the rest of their peers...

I’ll never be enough...I just..have to suffer with what is around me. Im afraid of isolating myself again...no matter how much I really hate being around them, being around HIM...

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Might just make this place my personal vent blog. Feels right to and I can come here whenever I feel like I need a downer. 

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Hol up, I've got to suit up in my clown costume for the approval and validation from people who want to see the unrealistic image of how I feel instead of coming to reality that I'm depressed and im constantly ignored/disregarded to the point where existing doesn't seem fun or worth seeing till my old end.

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Vent Log (6/29/20/10:05 PM)

In other news, agreed that I'd go back to therapy after I get my new job (if I can manage to through this pandemic too) after I completely had a mental breakdown and blurted out my suicidal thoughts.

Thought I had everything under control and wouldnt need to go after years of being fine. But, no, turns out I'm still fucked. Hard work down the drain just to go back to square one.

In the end, I dont have any real friends, family doesn't care about me despite all my efforts of trying, I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend, shitty job, and now...going back to paying someone who doesnt give a shit about me doing the same thing my "friends" do. What's the point of living again?? (To anyone reading who has a huge boner rn to give me an answer to that, a few "advice", and pixies and rainbows fable about how "things will be better uwu". DONT I dont need that...)

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Someone: *Vents about their "friend" circle and how they don't care about op at all*

Some preachy individual: U👄U I do not see with these eyes..

Me: *Vents about my "friend" circle and how they don't care about me at all.

Some Preachy individual: ACTUALLY NO YOURE WRONG LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT GET NEW FRIENDS SHUT UP YOUR JUST SELF PITYING AND YOUR EXPERIENCE IS INVALID TRY HARDER TAKE MY ADVICE OR NOT BUT YOURE EXPERIENCE IS INVALID SHUT UP Have a good day :)

its like everywhere i go i cant avoid someone who constantly has to single me out of EVERYONE venting and go on a fucking tangent about "How all my problems can be solved" LIKE HURR DURR FUCKER YOU DONT KNOW MY LIFE I CONSTANTLY FUCKING TRY. But as usual keep thinking you're a "help" and "savior" when you try and "positively" give me life hacks when you dont know ANYTHING about me or my experiences trying.

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When you imagine yourself being friends with celebrities/people with a high status as a coping mech bc you absolutely suck with people no matter how hard and open you try to be and they only recognize you for things they can use you for so you’ve kept using imagination as ur way of feeling valid in a world that really just doesn’t like/care/want/need you: :)

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Log (6/21/20/1:10 PM)

Boyfriend is gone again. This time, I’m not as worried bc he reassured me that he was okay. He’s so sweet, glad to have met him. 

A few days/weeks ago, I stopped associating with a lot of drama servers finally. They made me super anxious when I got involved and I woke up every morning with my heart racing terribly and super sick (almost vomited one time and worried my grandma). I even almost relapsed burning myself after the “Impersonation Incident”. To be completely honest, I feel like one of the people I considered a good friend was planning all of this. I feel like what their previous friend had said about them was slightly true to an extent (Them faking drama for attention/the trill of it). If it did turn out to be the case, that’s a really shallow and sick way of attention seeking. In the end though, It doesn’t matter anymore since I’m no longer apart of any of it anymore. I don’t think people cared I was in it either bc when I left it was totally silent. They’re on my friends list on Discord still bc I do feel that we will reconnect in the future. However, parts of me feels that it will probably be to get involved in more Birdie drama.

I learned that I should just stay on the sidelines of drama instead of actually being involved to do something. Especially with shitty situations as this one. 

I’m a bit sad though. Like I said before, when I had left, nobody has thought of reaching out to me and just talking regularly. I get a few interactions from DA, however, I really wish they would talk to me on the sides too. They were such cool people...Oh well, it’s not like i’m good at communicating anyway.

I go to work in a few more hours. I can’t wait for the day when I finally say “I quit because you guys see my time as a joke and give me less hours. you all are terrible!” But for now, I just have to suck it up and work these kiddy hours they give me. I think I’ll speak my mind when It’s finally time for the move (I actually just heard about this this morning, apparently we won’t be staying here for very long. Like, around august. I’m actually excited about it^^)  

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Vent log (6/6/20/2:53pm)

I haven’t heard from my boyfriend for four days now. I’m getting really worried about him. I’m worried that he my have been hurt or something...or maybe...he just abandoned me. I don’t want to believe that’s the case. He just went mute on all of his social media. He couldn’t have made all of them all over again under a completely different name just to avoid me...at least I hope he didn’t. I really don’t know but I’m trying to distract myself with other things...I just wish he would respond already. I know he may just be busy because he has to help his family move so...I guess I won’t be too pushy. I still tell him goodmorning and goodnight to him and tell him that I love him every day. I hope he is okay...

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Log (5/31/20/9:59 am)

Goodmorning void. I woke up kind of late and my headache went away. It was probably because of the Ibup. Anyways, It’s a long few hours until I go to work the next day. I guess I’ll just dweel on me considering if I should draw, animate, write, make a yt video with my art and songs I like, etc. It’s an everyday cycle with these thoughts and quarantine.   

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If I mess up, please dont be mean to me about it...I;m sorry. I dont know how any of this works thank you

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Log (5/30/20/7:11pm)

I haven’t burned myself in a long while. I’ve been thinking of going back to it. But, ever since my grandma moved in with us, I’ve been afraid of her walking in on me in the middle of me disciplining myself or finding the marks on me when I’m close to her. I really hate this quarantine. I really hate living in this cramped apartment. I’m basically sharing a room with her. 

I don’t want to sound inconsiderate/ignorant of her situation...I love my grandma so much. She has helped me a lot throughout my life. She’s dealing with cancer because the people in her life are so terrible she’s stressed herself to the point of having it. She’s doing a bit better but on the mean time, I have no space to myself. 

I’ve considered sleeping in the garage, inside of the broken down car my parents have no idea how to discard since it completely shut down. However, I’m not sure if my mom would approve as much (also, she’s super just nosey). But, in the end, I don’t know how long I have to live here...I might explain later, void. But, for now, I feel my head getting worse and it’s more likely bc I’m working myself up rn. 

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Log (5/30/20/7:02pm)

I don’t know why, but my head hurts. I’ve been drinking water all day. Maybe it was the cookies for dinner. Currently looking at trauma posts because I needed to. For weeks now, my brain keeps bringing up my assault and I just been a down right mess. I’ve tried venting to my boyfriend about it but he doesn’t get it. I love him a lot but he will never be able to understand how it is to have a brain so messed up as mine. 

How did I even managed to get him...He’s so pure and innocent. I’m a filthy wreck. I don’t know how...

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Cookies for Dinner

Cookies for Dinner

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I think I’m fucking weird...for years, I’ve always imagined myself meeting my celebrity idols and have them watch me draw and look at my animations (they suck) and just be fascinated by them...idk why they would be but it just makes me happy to think about it. I’m nothing special and so I guess I just find ways to make me feel that way. Fantasizing about people I admire looking at my art and basically being fans of it is really fun to think about a lot. They don’t even have to be alive celebrities either...idk. Just keeps my brain distracted from my reality.