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poopfatbutt-blog · 7 years

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30 September 2017

Im writing here today because Ive been feeling shit for a couple of days and it still hasn't surfaced to my mind the reason why. Its a weird kind of emotion, not exactly sadness or frustration or anger. I will just see how this goes

1) My textbook: I'm glad one person has bought it so far (its been one week) but I am feeling worried that no one else will and I’m not sure how to promote. Now this links into other things that I feel upset about, like how I dont have that many social connections. The thing is i really love the group of friends I do have but sometimes I look at people with wide ‘circles’ and connection to business people or whatever and wish I had also formed relationships like that. But then the problem is I hate small talk, I hate interacting with someone if I know there is not something meaningful we have in common. I see many people at uni bond over memes or just talking about events or something like that and I wish my brain was wired to be more accepting of that type of friendship But I just can't. I dont even know if those people believe themselves if those types of relationships or friendships, or they know on the inside that they are just superficial interactions. I feel kind of confused and dumb when it comes to socialising in that way. Anyway I keep checking back on the website every day to see if another book sold but it hasn't. I think i need to be patient and wait- I know it will take a few years for this thing to even set off on its own. But I guess I'm impatient and also looking for an easy ego pleaser by the idea that my book has gained the attention of people. Honestly i dont even care about the money or anything right now, I just want people to read it

2) My friends/relationships: as I mentioned above, I feel lonely when I see other people interacting. but its hard for me to interact like that. Especially when I walk into the common room and many people are talking in groups, I wonder when I lost the ability to talk to groups. It was in high school when I used to hang out with a group of girls. In a group setting some people talk over another, some people get ignored, and they just sit and watch a conversation they dont truly give a shit about. I think thats why I avoid groups now and just like one on one friendships. But I do wish I had friends who invited me places and stuff- I guess most of my friends are just introverts and find enough happiness in socialising over studies. I guess I'm like that to a degree as well but recent times I crave someone to go on adventures with, exploring a new suburb, going to the city at night, just to look at the world. Recently I really want someone to be by my side when going out somewhere, although in the past I am comfortable going anywhere alone and enjoying myself.

3) my BF. We have been dating for 3 months now. I just feel he is too amazing, because he is the most patient and non-angry person I have ever met. He also speaks the truth- and I know this because he has told me things he didnt need to and which upset me but were true for him. But my worries right now are (and I ve talked to him so many times about this but I know it will still linger in my head)--> since I am his first ‘adult’ gf, will he crave other women apart from me? Why hadn't God allowed him to meet me after he had been with a few other adult women? MY insecurity of someone havign desire beyond the relationship of cheating, Im not sure where it stems form. The obvious answer is my father as he did the same to my mother. The other answer are other men in general. I am both flattered and repulsed and angry when I am sitting on a train and a man with a wife starts looking at me in ‘that’ way. I just wish he would be loyal in all aspects to the woman. It seems that woman in terms of relationship benefit in youth, but men benefit of old age. I am so scared of being deceived. I think my fears of this also come from insecurity. I know I have benefits and stuff but i feel like a piece of material fluttering in the wind. my views of the world, people and morals change every day- so how can I even love myself? and how can I expect someone to love me, when there is no beautiful dense rich core that stays the same no matter what. I feel like I am a hypocrite who decieves others, and knows only in my heart what my true nature is. I occasionally think I have an underdeveloped type of psychopath personality. To be honest, I do sometimes see people as a mechanism to benefit. In those periods of time, I find it hard to love and feel any emotion and I jut want to be alone, and If I am with people, I just want them to align with my needs. These periods of my life I am extremely independent but also cruel in a strange way. I think they are a reaction to something repressed within me. There are too many stories so I am not going to bother listing them here

4) my career. To keep it short, do I want to work in a fucking building and surrounded by humans? I love them half the time, and dream of making the world better yadayada. Other times, I am sick sick sick of living in society. I want to be alone and escape everyone. I want to live in brute fresh nature and wake up just gazing at the landscape around me, my only fears would be of death and starvation and not the expectations of society and the human eyes around me.

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poopfatbutt-blog · 7 years

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27/4/17

I admire the relationship of rumi and shams e tabriz and wish I have a friendship like this. Recent event in my life, include going to the party on Saturday where I talked to IZ. I felt I really liked him and we did not do kissing or anything but just put our arms around each other. But then my friend told me he did something bad with another girl (one night stand) and I felt I cannot stand being with someone and knowing they did this. I dont know I think God was trying to teach me a lesson. I decided not to want a bf anymore and instead spend my spare time on my hobbies as I did when younger. I hope I finish studies tomorrow early so I have time to watch the documentary ‘Moulana Rumi’ or about shams e tabriz. I am having a confusing point in my life- I feel I am surrounded by people I have little in common with. But I have no idea how to find people who I have in common with since they would be introvert, shy, personal and not outward and social (and obviously most social events ARE social). Maybe I will just have to wait for a time I incidentally meet them on the train? But how do I know when I exchange eyes with someone that our souls have something in common or if I am just imagining it? I felt I had something in common with IZ, and maybe I do, but I am not sure. He seemed to regret talking to me as the next day he smiled in a forced manner when I made eye contact with him, and maybe he was embarrassed of me in front of his friends. I wish to meet new people, but I dont want to go parties. Im not sure where to go......maybe I will find some group online that meets up for introvertedish events like rock climbing? I dont know if I should avoid him completely or try to be somewhat friends? I feel disgusted at the idea of only being interested in someone if you potentially will be romantic because you should still value them for their qualities at least...

I think I am destined to be alone as this is the feeling of loneliness I have had since childhood. But I dont think of it in a bad way, I think being alone is beautiful as it allows you to cultivate your soul. But too much time alone means I have no one to bounce and reflect of, and change my reality. As I mentioned before, I think finding a dear friend will help me...I have three friends I feel very close to at the moment- Za, Al, and Beer. But for some reason our friendships feel tame and I am just craving someone with whom we can share spiritual thoughts and ideas about the universe (I used to with Beer, but as I mentioned there was a change in the last post)

I remember the year before I became friends with Beer I asked god many times to give me a good dear friend (last two years of high school was very lonely). I am so thankful I got her, Inshallah maybe someone will come into my life who will also help propel my growth as she did

I hate studying like a robot drone. I really hope this is jut a part of the student life and being a doctor is not a robot. If it is, I'm out of the frying pan and jumping into the fire.

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poopfatbutt-blog · 7 years

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17/4/17

At the moment my life is like a candle in the wind. Never knowing where to cling to when the rain sets in (song by elton john). I have a weak and fluctuating identity. I wish I was concrete and secure, but I feel that because my family is fragmented and dysfunctional it is going to define me for the rest of my life to also be weak and fluctuating. Right now I have started another transitory relationship whilst all I wish is instead I would be 100% satisfied in my solitude. But the problem is when I am too alone I become depressed, suicidal and jealous of other people’s lives filled with more friends and family than me. Maybe i will find a group of outcasts and be able to belong with them like quasimodo from hunchback of notre dame. I hate studying

I hope god will put something in my life within the next 2 days that will shock me into reality and realise Truth and be indifferent to the surrounding world, not weak, and to be strong in my dedication to the metaphysical world Inshallah

I hope God will give me a dear friend who I can express these thoughts to and who will teach me also

I feel sad because my friend Beer does not like to talk about spiritual things as much anymore and is completely satisfied in her role as a student. Well i admire she is satisfied into whatever role she's goes into but I wanted our relationship to stay same forever. All the humans I see now are absorbed into the world and not the spiritual world, and so am I. I hope God brings me outside of this and empowers me

I will begin work on planning my nUSRAT fatEH ali khan artwork today. I like the end of TS eliot poem ‘the hollow men’ which I teach to my students......life is very long.

A beautiful poem written by a taliban person:

They don't accept us as humans, They don't accept us as animals either. And, as they would say, Humans have two dimensions. Humanity and animality, We are out of both of them today. We are not animals, I say this with certainty. But, Humanity has been forgotten by us, And I don't know when it will come back. May Allah give it to us, and decorate us with this jewellery, the jewellery of humanity, For now it's only in our imagination. War tends to do this; it strips people of their humanity—and the stripping tends to boomerang. As Archbishop Desmond Tutu put it,

when we dehumanize someone, whether you like it or not, in that process you are dehumanized. A person is a person through other persons. If we want to enhance our personhood, one of the best ways of doing it is enhancing the personhood of the other.

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poopfatbutt-blog · 7 years

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27/3/17

I thought I will begin writing about my day to day life again. Recently I have felt very depressed. I dislike studying so much because it makes me feel like a robot, a living dead, empty vessel with no time for contemplation or simple appreciation, reading or creating my own work. I spend about 6-12 hours a day absorbing the knowledge of others but little creating my own. This imbalance of energies IN vs energies OUT is making me DEPRESSED

I just listened to Tajdar E Haram by Amjad Sabri. Qawwali is so beautiful like a narrative of the story of life and the swelling and tides of the heart and the pacifications, and the pleading for god and the absolute Answer, and the loneliness amongst mankind, and the solace in metaphysical, and the sweetness of Universe. I remember reading a beautiful blog post about how the way in which the heart beats in and out, blood pulsating back and forth, mimics the pulsation of ocean. I like these romantic and spiritual aspect way of looking to life. I wanted to study Medicine to come closer to Truth as I have read many stories of people right before dying revealing to doctors/nurses that they saw the beginning of the afterlife. I also decided because many of the people I admire such as Leonardo Da Vinci and this rabbi I really like were doctors by day, and then artists/philosophers at night. My plan totally failed because right now I am just a medical student by day and medical student at night. My brain actually feels like it is rotting at the moment, but I hope it is a transitory phase before it improves. I like this song ‘Aik Alif’ by Coke Studio which talks about the artificial ‘Truth’ (reading books, gaining knowledge) VS real TRUTH of divine/metaphysical experiences. I also read the story of Rumi and Shams e Tabrizi (I googled his name because Nusrat Fateh Ali khan says his name at start of ‘Allah hoo’) where Rumi is reading a pile of books and Tabrizi walks past, then asks what Rumi is reading. Rumi arrogantly assumes Tabrizi does not have an educational background so he says ‘Only knowledge the learned will understand’. Then Rumis books fall in the water, but come out dry. Rumi is surprised and asks Tabrizi ‘what happened?’ and he replies ‘Only knowledge that the unlearned will understand’ showing being well versed in dumbass numbers and chemicals is not real truth, although it is a catalyst towards it maybe in some ways (as the METAPHYSICAL can only be attained after mastering the PHYSICAL). I feel I am angry about Medicine too much, but I do have many reasons to stay with it just I will not express it here.

As pretty much my entire life, I am feeling lonely. I think a good way to live is ‘I am dedicated to what I have and dismissive of everything else’. What is the point of accumulating when you will have to leave it in death anyway. But sometimes thinking like this, affects me too much and I have a desire to be completely alone. I then do not want to talk to my friends every again, break up with S. and plan to be entirely alone. But I feel unhappy in this, and I also feel unhappy when I am surrounded by people. My happiest moment is when I ride my bike really fast downhill near this small hill outside of my residence on the way to uni. I like it because I'm not even pedalling, but the bike is so passionate and keeps on going forward and it reminds me of a soul rising from a body at death or the pace of a Qawwali. My other favourite moment is the action potential of life, where everything is up and down until you get really emotional and hit a ‘spike potential’ that propels you towards God. I feel MEDICINE is a reflection of the true nature of how we live our lives, but this robot way of learning conceals it. It is strange how much the inner body is like the outside world, and how much the inner body indicates where to go and helps with decision making. What example do I have? I can't remember, and I dont know if it even exists or I convinced myself it did.......

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poopfatbutt-blog · 8 years

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12/4/16

I feel really sick of the world and myself and feel anxious/depressed so I thought ill start this blog to write stuff for relief

LIFE UPDATE:

I am writing my russian story which is 20000 words so far and probably I will finish by the end of the year

My favourite music- Amir khusro, chaap tilak, aik alf

I started first year Med

I have noticed when I am healthy and happy i am also superficial and think more like a dumb person IE dont think about meaning of life . And vice versa when I am depresesd/anxious I am more spiritual. this is probably common to lots of people. There is one exception when a few days ago I was feeling happy/peaceful but not happy in a chaotic way and I realise that all humans are one and only our perceptions/evolution has caused us to believe we are distinct humans, just as my friend Beer always tells me that out of all the sounds and noises in the world humans only hear a tiny percentage for the sake of evolution/survival (AKA ear drums won't burst), and thus our ‘truth’ is coloured and biased. I feel in the same way everyone has the shared Universal conscious but we are blind and believe we are separate humans. Anyway it is 5.30 right now so i will ride my bike because sunset is at 6 cya

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