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Paleobotany

Some plants died a while back I guess.

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The Complex Geopolitical Interdependencies That Caused World War I

So you got a guy and he kills another guy, who happens to be a guy guy. Now the guy is from this place that doesn't like another place, and then there are a bunch of contracts that engage, and eventually you get the heat death of the universe.

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Cake

Kind of a flat donut.

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Crystals

A little known fact states that Drew Carey once owned all the crystals in the world, and they were the source of his power. After his death on Jascal 35th, Year of the Basketball Hoop, his will decreed that every elementary school student be given one crystal. A student's Crystal Receiving Ceremony is an important milestone in a child's life, with some parents spending upwards of six dallion dollars to celebrate the event.

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Football

You’ve got the 2nd and 4 and the 2nd and 5th, and you got the line of scrimmage; and unfortunately that… …and man, the down is not there because he was off sides when his asshole was on the other side of the line of scrimmage, and then he went into the inzone; but unfortunately it was offsides, and now you’ve got to kick it into the horseshoe.

#DuckSauce #PB #Submission

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Apples

While not one of the excellent fruits™, apples provide an accurate amount of food for daily consumption. Without nutrients, obviously, they can't be better. Trees grow them to the seasons of fall. No one eats them whole either.

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Tongues

That purple snake in your mouth. Used in courts and the world famous "Licking Ceremony". Popular around food and water.

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Brains

There's actually a little man inside your head. He knows what's up.

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Flip Flops

NOT FOR USE ON THE HAND. A micro-sandal for FOOT USE ONLY. They were made for feet first in 1875. Popular myth states President Roosevelt hid his flip flops behind his desk. The sole is constructed mainly out of string, and is held on the foot with a constant wiggling motion.

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Jump Ropes

A sturdy torus, hoop, or ring made of plastic or wood. With a steady circular motion of the hips, the user may suspend the object in air. Cessation of motion will see it drop to the ground. Generally used as a novelty or child's toy.

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Event Horizon

The event horizon is either when you can just barely see something fun and exciting on the horizon or something to do with the apocalypse. Like maybe the sun swings around the earth and explodes?

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Compass

Easy. Compasses are magnetized needles that point north, due to… you know. Magnets. But I think magnetic north is like in Alaska? So if you keep going north you’ll just end up over there, which is like pretty north but not really north.

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Pencil

You usually write with those, easy to fix your mistakes with the eraser, If you use one of those rubber pencil’s that the teacher provides you may as well and fail your test. By far the best produced pencil brand is the Dixon Ticonderoga #2.

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Bluetooth

You hear that crazy guy behind you in line at the grocery store talking to himself? You might think “What a freak,” But actually he has a bluetooth a wireless device that is connected to his phone in his ear so he can talk on the phone HANDS FREE because he is lazy and can’t hold his phone up to his face for longer than 30 seconds, so he dropped some money and got this little ear piece that sits in his ear and is hard to notice unless you look very close.

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Butts

Chicka-chicka-boom-boom.

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Scissors

Think of it like two fists, punching the paper in half.

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Baguette

People in France did this.