popkornrea

[popkornrea]

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO SOUTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE UNIVERSITY!!!! I will be going in for my bachelors majoring in psychology- Mental health therapy. I’m 24 now, and I should graduate hopefully half a term sooner, being 30 (or hopefully 29), but we will see. I might do school during the summer just to graduate faster, I do still have to get my masters to be a certified, licensed therapist. But I’m so excited, I can’t wait to start classes, I’m literally doing nothing at work, and I’m tired of just sitting around and not doing anything. Don’t get me wrong, I have this blog now, but It really is just in the background. I feel as though I need to get what I want to say out there. But I don’t want to be judged for how I feel. Because in all truth I KNOW. I KNOW it’s stupid still “being in love” with a guy who I don’t even know anymore. How the hell am I supposed to just flat out and tell him I have feelings for him and that he should know? How is that even fair to him and his partner? But how is it fair to me that he couldn’t have just been honest? Why can’t people just be honest about how they feel? I rather know the truth than just sit around and wait. I don’t want to wait forever.

But who told me to wait? Because he sure didn’t. He wanted me to move on, so why the hell can’t I just fucking move on?!?!?!?!?!

Why is it that even though I know the fucking answer, I have to fuck around and find out? I really can’t just shut the fuck up and enjoy what I have? No, I have to be over dramatic. I fucking hate myself. ( I don’t really but I hate the way I act)

[popkornrea]

So I have decided you have to earn my back story. It’s long and complicated and everything butterflies affect each other. There are also chapters in my life where things shift and I change.

So, I will give you what is relevant to me currently. From there I will pick up.

Starting from high school when I moved to Seattle.

It was June 2015. I had just turned 16, my mom had gotten kidney failure in both of her kidneys due to the wrong medication mixture from her doctor (no, we never sued him, though she should have and we missed the deadline to sue him by, so unfortunately the bastard got away.) Worst of all, my mom decided to move to Washington with my aunt, and grandparents.

I didn’t want to move, I had great friends, and I was scared of being bullied again.

But that wasn’t what happened. I didn’t really make many friends until towards the end of the school year.

It was sometime at the beginning of the second semester. I made friends with this girl named Dezzi in gym class one day and after that she invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. So I did.

Avi was a part of her friend group. (Memories are still coming back to me slowly, day by day. But it is also hard to remember if they are memories or something I made up in my head. {I do it a lot, I still need to see a therapist}) I don’t really remember why we started talking, all I remember is that one day after Dezzi wasn’t at school, he and I sat together and started talking after that. From then on him and I would sit together and talk. My birthday (in the spring) came around and he bought me Spider- Man 2099. I loved Spider-man at the time. I feel as though I still do, but that hero comes with streaks of pain that peirce right down to the soul.

Anyway, we made ourselves official right before the first day of summer. Our first date was Civil War. (I used to keep all of the movie tickets we would go and see. We saw over 20 movies while we were together.) From then on we were inseparable. He was my first banana ice cream sundae. He said “I love you” first. He understood I had trauma and was willing to be patient with me. We were in love and it wasn’t just puppy love either. We were attracted to each other's natural scent. (Long-story-short he was allergic to a lot of fragrances so he never used anything with scent in it, so it really was his natural scent I can still smell.) It was the best 1.6 years of my life. He was the sweetest thing in the world.

But then one day he told me he was going on a 2 week vacation with his family. He had been tense up until that point but not enough to make me notice too much. But after he got back from the trip he was even more tense. Everything was fine until school started. We got into more arguments, he was getting in trouble more. Then one day he told me he didn’t want to talk to me until wednesday. He wanted to think over our relationship. I don’t remember what led up to that point. I don’t remember if I had said something stupid, or mean. I’m sure I had to have though. When wednesday came around he changed everything in messenger. ( We had nicknames set for each other as well as a different theme.) Everything was put right back like we had never been together at all.

I think that is the hardest part about living with so much technology. It is so easy to know everything and nothing all at once about a person. That is also the problem. Not everyone is truthful about what they show you.

He told me he would pick me up that Saturday at a specific time. When he picked me up he was silent for a few minutes. Then he told me he couldn’t do our relationship anymore. And just like that, the love of my life, the man I thought I was going to marry, is out of my grasp. All I could say was “okay”. I was quiet and the only thing that was going through my mind was “it’s going to be okay, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay…”

We tried to be friends after that but it didn’t last long. One of his friends reached out to me and told me that our relationship ending changed him.

Later the next year, after I graduated high school, sometime around June I ran into Avi’s Dad. He told me that they were moving to Kentucky. ( I will say I don’t remember if he told me when and if so I don’t remember when.)

The march before that, I got with a guy and we ended up married later that Fall in October. My ex husband, Jon and I were together for 4 years, but were married for only 3.5. I divorced him in May, 2022.

From April 2018- September 2021, I worked at a retail company. By the time I left I was an assistant manager. I was only unemployed for 2 weeks. I applied to a big company and I am still here as of right now.

I know getting married right out of high school was stupid and I pretty much just bought myself 150 free “wtf” looks everytime I brought it up. In the end I left him for reasons I am not going to get into tonight.

In the spring of 2022 I moved in with Paul. I lived with him for a year and a month. I officially dated him for almost 6 months (I broke up with him the week before it was 6 months.) Towards the time of us renewing our lease, I was trying to leave and find a place of my own but it didn’t work out, and of course Paul promised me lies.

After lying to me, telling me I wasn’t the weight he found attractive ( I was 100lbs at the time), and calling me a loser and a million other terrible things, I left him. I broke the lease, packed in a day, and moved out in a day. I’m still dealing with Paul and his father calling and texting me. I have been living with Jess for almost 2 months now. I was on my own for a week. It was okay, but I think I would do better in a smaller place by myself. I got a new google nest mini the other day and I have been talking with Avi on and off the last week.

The last time I talked to him was 2 years ago. We talked for a month then he blocked me, kept me blocked until last March, unblocked me, screenshotted the chat (even though there was nothing to screenshot) and then never said anything to me. I never responded to him and I deleted my snapchat in January of 2023 due to my ex, Paul freaking out over 8 years old messages.

This time around: He responded to my message and friend request within 1 minute. Literally, I am not even joking. Then he talks to me like we never stopped talking. Then he’ll stop being so interactive in the messages. He told me he has a partner, but he also told me he doesn’t know what to do with his free time. There's a lot more going on I don’t have the time for tonight.

Maybe later I’ll post some memories later until the next update.

[popkornrea]

So this is going to be a throwaway account. I changed the names and locations for privacy purposes. Please if you know who I am or who these stories are about please don’t comment it. I wanted to start blogging whats going on in my life, and if you find it interesting tag along, if not, well then fuck off. There will also be a warning on here for pretty much anything. I will try to put a warning before I continue with each post. I’m sorry if I forget. Also, let's keep the comments nice, if you can’t then I will block you, if that doesn’t work, no one will be able to comment :)

Anyway, I appreciate all of your support in advance.

With love, Rea