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[portions4foxes]

tonight's stream of consciousness

I've never been much of someone who believes in what I can't see- fate, destiny, God, magic- I suppose I accredit most of this to my overwhelming desire to maintain control over my life. I've always associated all these concepts with the lack of free will- doesn't the idea of soulmates erase the act of choice? Isn't it more meaningful to actively love, rather than love because the stars are telling you to, because you need to in order to fulfill your life, because you are half a person without them? I don't know. Maybe I never will. What matters is that last night I looked at someone and thought to myself for a second that there was no way that I wasn't made for this. There was no way that the moments I spent with his head in my hands weren't divinely placed. But then I thought, well, things don't have to be larger than life to mean so much. I am here. Wrapped around someone whose eyes seem to absorb everything I am and whose lips remind me of everything I am striving to become. And when I think of it in such simple terms, I stop spinning out about why this all is happening to me, and instead I am just so grateful that it is. The reality is that a kiss from the right person is not going to change my beliefs, but it will, and it has, made me acknowledge that everything that has ever happened in my life has led me to this point. I am not bowed thanking an invisible force, now. I am writing in the dark, feeling a serenity inside of me that can only be compared to the kind I felt at 7 as my mom braided my hair, and I am internally thanking every boy who has ever made me cry.