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pporappippamlover · 2 years

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It finally happened.

Working as an English Language Assistant in Madrid finally broke me. I have just been fired from my job unjustly. Though it’s not like I didn’t expect this at all but, wow? Tbh, my mental health has not been the best right now. And it’s been at it’s worst. I can’t even comprehend what happened today because everything just flashed before my eyes. I hate anything that has to do with this job and teaching in general. I can’t wait to do my masters degree in management holy shit. I’m manifesting that real hard right now. I definitely learned a lot from this experience but I will never consider going back to teaching ever again 🥲 Fuck UCETAM. Fuck Colegio Villa de Móstoles, Fuck everything!!!!! I deserve better. Remember this day: I WILL RISE AGAIN AND I WILL BE APPRECIATED.

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pporappippamlover · 2 years

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A few months later: 27-04-2022

He’s now my boyfriend and it’s been a few months now. I am really happy but relationships come with some issues and this is one of them.

I am in a relationship with a mentally ill person. I saw this written in his notebook:

No es culpa de Benjamin. Te quiero, pero por desgracia, no te encontré en bien momento. Por favor, encuentra a alguien que te haga feliz, era mi primer amor y desde el más allá te durá mi apoya.

It's not Benjamin's fault. I love you, but unfortunately, I didn't find you at the right time. Please find someone who makes you happy, he was my first love and my support will last from beyond.

- Me dijo “I was writing it as if I was a spirit already”.

- He wrote it at a time when he was really depressed. When I was in the Philippines for 3 weeks.

- He is still depressed as of this writing

Thoughts:

- Yes. It’s not my fault. However, my mind is in circles trying to think of ways what I can do to at least ease up his situation. Most of the time, I ask myself “Why?”.

- Why does it hurt me so much even if I know I’m doing all I can.

- I’m trying to make sure that I don’t get finished along the way.

- While this love feels so amazing, I ponder on what if I stop this relationship? Would it be better if we just change our dynamic as friends or just as strangers? But, if I do that, I will still be thinking about him everyday. Yes. Moving on is a process. However, this love feels so good that I don’t want it to stop. It’s been 7 months that I have known him. 5 months as a couple. We’re going strong I would say. But, every now and then, his depressive episodes act up. And sometimes, I don’t know how I should approach and deal with it.

- There was a time when we had a discussion of him having a hard time. He told me that he wasn’t built for life. It would be better that he was gone and that I shouldn’t feel bad about it. I cried at thid point and told him that he was selfish for thinking that way. He told me that it’s not selfish. I don’t really remember what he said but in that moment, I knew I was wrong for telling him that he was selfish.

- I can only do so much.

How long until I get tired? I love myself. I know that so well. But.. just…when?

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pporappippamlover · 3 years

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it’s been 2 months

November 9, 2021

I can’t believe it has been 2 months since I’ve met him. We matched on the 5th of September. Talked on the 7th and met up on the 9th. With 2 days of intervals on each day. Not that any of these are important, but it’s the happiest I’ve been in a while. I can’t believe the present me is doing this well emotionally and mentally. I’m still tired (as always) but everything is alright. I’m enjoying what we currently have right now and I’d like for it to stay that way. I’m not rushing to putting a label because I feel like I need to build a good foundation first. I don’t want to say yes and suddenly fall apart days after. I need to be sure. I am sure I have feelings for him. So far, that’s it. I need more time and experience. I want to get to know him more and understand what he’s feeling.

Hay más para sé de el. Disfruta todos ahora. Vive en el momento porque no lo sabe cuando este pasará otra vez. No te dejes perder en el proceso. Poco a poco.

#lgbt love living life moments remember thoughts

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pporappippamlover · 3 years

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Was it really space that I needed?

October 1, 2021

So, it’s been going on for about weeks now. Almost a month actually. What’s there to say? We’ve been going out. All of our dates involved kisses now. He was at my birthday party and I’ve been seeing him a lot since. Last time I saw him, he really wanted to keep kissing me and touching me in public. Which I don’t mind sometimes. Pero kasi ito yorn. Tinatamaan din naman ako ng hiya minsan. Na-chempuhan lang din talaga na sabog ako kaka-droga ko gago. Hindi din ako makapag-isip ng maayos shutangina. I kinda feel like it’s the same old stories. Hindi ko din alam if gusto ko lang din yung idea of him and not really him. Get ba, bakla??? Ewan ko ba. I mean I appreciate him and he’s really nice but I honestly think everything is moving too fast. Muntik na nga kami mag-sex eh nyeta! Kasalanan ko din kasi haliparot ako pakshet. So ayun nga, the last date before he went to Murcia was okay. Di na ako as excited as before. Pero pwede din kasi pagod lang talaga ako??? Pero I asked space din from him cause I felt suffocated din at one point. Hoping this weekend gets to refresh my mind talaga. Saka to add na lang din, sobrang mahal ko din sarili ko so sobrang naninibago ako and ayaw ko ma-tie down! Hayyy tangina sana ma-figure out ko kung ano man itong hinanakit ko.

Let me know the answer, future self. I’m waiting. Ciao!

#lgbtq

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pporappippamlover · 3 years

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A lot fucking quicker than expected omg (in a good way)

September 9-10, 2021

My post before this was just me venting out my anger. However, I have a good story to tell ehe:

-Went out on a first date with someone I met from tinder. We hit it off the moment we talked in the app. Topics ranging from memes, old Youtube, life, and especially gay dating. It was a first for him to actually try the app and see someone. We met in Callao station at 6:30 pm. Callao station was pretty crowded considering it was a Thursday. So, we met and he took me to a Manga store nearby. The fucking Manga store had tons of shit. Tons of amazing shit I would say and it gave me the idea of buying the Naruto Shippuden manga and reading it in Spanish. Anyway, yeah we were at the store for almost an hour I guess? Just him talking about books he has read and art styles he truly admires. Oh. He’s a Fine Arts student from Complutense as well.

After the Manga store, he bought water at an Alimentacion. And then I suggested we walk to Tempo de Debod since it was pretty nearby. We basically talked for the next few hours while admiring the view of the city while the sun was going down. And then I brought up a line, “what would happen if I try to kiss you right now?”. He was shookt and got nervous. He said he wasn’t used to doing anything we were doing at that moment. And I respected that. But I did really wanted to kiss him. So I told him that I wanted to kiss him on the cheek. I kissed his right cheek. And then we walked around because he said he was nervous. We sat down again after. It’s there where I gave him a peck on his lips. He told me it was okay. But I think it was because he was tensed. We chilled for a while and then I asked him if he wanted to eat dinner cause it was fucking 11:00 pm. We ate at Tierra. He got a burrito and I got a desnudo bowl cause I did not want to be wapoise. After that, he called his parents and I went out to smoke. We walked again and we somehow ended up at Palacio Real in Opera. We sat down and just felt the moment. He suddenly blurted out certain meme jokes and of course I laughed. I told him I was gonna be 23 in a few days and that it’ll be my Jordan year. And he didn’t understand the connection lol. I said it was because his jersey number was 23.

So I was just placing my head on his shoulder and sometimes I would lean my face on to his. Suggesting that I wanted a kiss. This went on for a few minutes and I got impatient and said, “why don’t we kiss again?” and I held his head and leaned towards for a kiss. When our lips were together, I opened my mouth and subtly slipped my tongue in his. I thought he wouldn’t like it and that he would stop the kiss, but I was wrong. LIKE REALLY WRONG. He went in full-mode and also aggressively placed his tongue inside my mouth. From then on, it was him feeling my entire body. He was pressing his chest on mine. He touched my ass. And I knew full well that I was going to have boner because I liked tension. So my bag was on top of my lap. So he wouldn’t at least try to feel it. But he took out my bag while we were straight up making out. And he ended up touching my boner. That fucking dude! But still. The entire process felt fucking nice and I couldn’t even stop. He also kissed my cheek, my hand, and MY NECK, which felt super fucking amazing. I ended up breathing on his ear because it was that fucking good. I eventually hopped on him cause I kinda wanted control but after a few moments he said we needed to relax. Which was true and we stopped. But damn so much fucking tension for the both of us. And it was the dude’s first time??? like wtf. How was it that good. It’s like he knew what he needed to do. He took control and I fucking surrendered myself to him.

#gay lgbtq lgbt

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pporappippamlover · 3 years

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That was quicker than expected

Alright bitches. I’m back and I’m pissed. I shouldn’t be pissed but bitch wtf like seriously hate myself for hoping. Met this guy last minute in San Sebastian. This was when we were about to leave the hostel. Super fucking cute Spanish guy who was doing the Camino de Santiago. We got to talk for like a good 15 minutes and then my friend and I had to leave because we already checked out. I got his number because I was just hoping a little to like make friends and so. I mean I got it and sent him a message saying good luck with the freakin camino. And to let me know when he’ll drop by Madrid to have some drinks or just basically hangout. He said thanks and that he’ll let me know. And he did. He messaged me today letting me know he’ll be in Madrid this weekend. I said I’m free the whole weekend and to let me know when and where. He sends a message: “I just want to say respectfully that I’m not gay, I’m Straight. I prefer to meet your lady friends”. OOF TANGINA MO GAGO! I didn’t reply anymore. I mean it’s just so fucking kupal to fucking say that. He’s cute and I know but like I just wanna make friends. Sana hindi na lang siya nag message sa akin gago. Tangina mo na lang goodluck sa Salamanca gago. Mabangga ka sana ng sasakyan. Pasabi-sabi pa ako ng buen camino gago. Buti nga sumakit paa mo. Punyeta ka. Gago alam ko wala talaga akong karapatan mainis kasi dafuq 15 mins mo lang naman nakausap? Tanga din ako pero na-offend ako gago promise. As if ipapakilala ko sayo mga friends ko na girls!!!! tangina mo bumalik ka doon sa girl na kasama mo bago ka mag start ng camino. FUCK YOU!!! I fucking love myself and this just made me realize more how I fucking love myself. I LOVE MYSELF!!! AND I FUCKING NEED STABILITY IN LIFE!! gago di talaga ako magkaka jowa hangga’t di ako stable putangina talaga. Priority and manifestion in life is ME! Category is: MONEY AND ME!!!!!!

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pporappippamlover · 3 years

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Checking in before I disappear again lol 05-08-21

Hey, future self.

It’s been a while. I know you’ve experienced a lot more now compared to the last time you’ve logged in here. You don’t really open tumblr that much. But when you do, it’s either you have this certain addiction or fixation to a certain something or you’ve just reached that point in your life again where you don’t know how to cope with your thoughts.

You’re at this point in your life where you’re being picky of who you choose as your friends. The past year has been tough, I know. You’ve lost some close friends who you thought would be your constants. You’ve also been backstabbed by a very close friend - which really made you feel less, sad, and more alone. But I’m proud of you because after you’ve experienced that, you are learning to really value yourself more. It was really painful and you sure tried to let it out by drinking, smoking, and just being more alone.

Keep going, B. You feel like you’re not going anywhere but you are! You’ve managed to find and pinpoint who your true friends are. And I am telling you this now, so far, they are very nice people. You’ve finally found certain people who you can talk about how you feel and be your true and authentic self. So by the time you open tumblr again, you read this and look how far you’ve gone and how far you’re still going.

To add, you finally lost your v-card LOL. You’re exploring more music (other than Kpop, finally) like more Spanish, Japanese, Filipino, and many more different genres.

Proud of u, B! Keep living life to the fullest and make sure not to hurt people in the process.

#loveyourself #selflove #realizations #copingmechanism

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pporappippamlover · 3 years

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MADcity chronicles

almost 1 am and i just wanna say i’m happy to be rediscovering things i used to love on my own with no one to help me

#happybutsad

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pporappippamlover · 3 years

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feeling 16 again

can’t believe i’m resorting to tumblr again to wash away my emotions and thoughts. at 16, i knew it was already deep. now, at 22, thoughts are way deeper. oh to be young again and not worry too much about life.

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pporappippamlover · 4 years

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