praesidiumsystem-blog

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

tw d*ssociation

im walking up a wall, vertically, parallel to the floor, except there is no floor, and there is no wall. its as flat as a surface but entirely clear, i step forward slowly, step after step, then swing backward suddenly as if falling, and i fall deep deep deep, into space. im floating, very slowly turning about, looking at the earth, seeing the suns rays peak around the side, the clouds swirl in the atmosphere below. i dont breathe, and dont feel like i need to breathe. its not cold and its not warm, im not sure its anything at all. i tip all the way upside down and honey slowly starts dripping from my closed eyes like tears, rolling down down my cheeks smooth and slow, dripping off my chin and staying transfixed hovering in the space beside me. being upside down gives me the feeling of water pressing hard inside my nose and makes me choke. i gasp and no air comes. i spin the rest of the way around, watching the earth as i come full circle, stomach swimming with motion sickness. i blink away the honey from my eyes, squinting hard at the light of the sun. the sun doesnt rise in space, you just have to see it at the right time during your spin.

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

tw c*csa

im standing in the middle of a gravel road, it’s a dead end. my extended family lives here in the woods, half an hour drive from civilization. my cousins are playing in the with road some of the neighbour girls that live down the street, i’m 6 years old. i’m wearing a striped shirt i really like, with frills at the bottom. 

she runs up to me and shoves my arm and runs away shrieking and laughing “you have cooties!” this is a game of tag, which i am no good at. in hindsight i wonder if the “cooties” tag game was a reference to avoiding people who have STDs. i wonder what “cooties” are, but based on the context i figure it must not be good, because everyone’s running away from me before i’ve even started chasing back. her name is n*cole ev*rett. she’s 8. i’ll see her every summer vacation until i turn 12 or so. she’ll be my best friend away from my best friend, both of which will abuse me. she will be the lesser of two evils.

she stays the night with me at my aunts house, i stay the night with her at her parents house. she has one older sister and one younger sister, the latter of which is adopted and is very socially awkward. my cousins sleep in a pair of bunk beds. josh on the top, me on the bottom, porsche on the top of the other bunk, and mack on the bottom. they will all bully me and make me hate myself before i turn 10. we start playing things like truth or dare. no one ever suggests a dare because everyone knows this game is for revealing who you have a crush on. no one wants to tell. the noise of the box fan in the doorway lulls me to sleep night after night, it’s too hot to breathe. my stomach churns with anxiety. i don’t like anyone. i am afraid. i am afraid of everyone.

we stay up too late giggling and get in trouble a hundred times. they separate us a hundred times, and we sulk a hundred times. she’s funny and she makes me so happy. she kisses me with cherry chapstick on, the pressure of someone else’s lips strange on mine at 6 years old. no one knows, and she knows i wont tell, because she knows im afraid of everyone. she doesnt want me to be afraid of her.

summers pass. her parents are never home at night because they’re both overnight p*lice officers, and they sleep all day, krista and autumn are always out with their friends. she rubs her hands up under my shirt and brushes over my chest. my heart is in my throat.and i feel sick with anxiety and i don’t know what to call anxiety yet so my head swims and im terrified. i feel uncomfortable because i dont think you’re supposed to touch other people there. she rubs my stomach and moves her hand between my legs and feels around. she kisses me again with cherry chapstick, pushing her warm wet tongue between my lips.i would be frozen with fear if i werent shaking so much. she tells me not to be afraid, its just practice. practice for what, i cant imagine at 10 years old, but she wants to help me. she’s funny and makes me so happy. i try to stay inside my body but i know this isnt right. i say nothing. she knows i wont tell, because she knows im afraid of everyone. she doesnt want me to be afraid of her.

another school year passes, another summer comes. she tells me to touch her, too. it’s just practice. she moves my hand over her chest until i learn to do it on my own. she pushes my hand between her legs until i learn to do it on my own. she tells me im improving. despite the terror churning in my belly that someone will come in, or her parents will wake up, and they’ll call me disgusting and tell me its my fault and tell my mother im doing bad things, i feel like i want to keep improving at whatever it is im supposed to be getting better at. night, after night, after night, summer after summer after summer, i want to get better. i want to be told that the fear is worth it.

she moves away. i don’t get to say goodbye. year after year passes, a hollow forming slowly in my stomach like a black hole, eating away at the edges of my mind. did it really happen? was i making a big deal out of nothing? is that something everyone does? is everyone else not afraid when they do it? i cant ask. i cant risk my mother finding out i did something bad, she’ll hit me. i dont want to be hit.  in fact, i dont want to be touched at all, ever again. long pants it is. long jackets in summer it is. i try to stay inside my body. im empty.

year after year, again and again, more doubt seeps in, slowly dripping into my memories, obscuring them. maybe it wasnt that bad and im overreacting. maybe itll pay off somehow, even though no one  else has initiated that kind of thing with me all this time. pants turn into the same pair of jeans i wear every day for 3 years. my grey sweater becomes my safe space, so much so that my friends always draw me wearing it. some part of me feels like i’m naked all the time, no matter how much i’m wearing. people can see the shape of my body and its so, so ugly, couldnt be uglier. i cant hide nearly as much as i want to. i cant stop being in the body i have as much as i want to. it was so long ago, it shouldnt matter to me anymore, i try to stop worrying about it. relief by forgetting almost comes. 

she moves back. i’m in high school, still wearing jeans, even to bed, but sporting tshirts these days. my grandmother says i should go say hello. the same sickness churns in my stomach, i dont think i can see her again, but there’s so many questions i want answered. i knock, the floor of the trailer is still warped. the wallpaper is the same. her parents are still cops and are still gone 12 hours of the day. i sit on her floor and she flops onto her bed, turning on the t.v. she starts telling me about all the relationships she’s had and the boys she’s fucked. everything in her room seems to have cherries on it. she still smells like cherry chapstick. my mouth is bone dry and i cant look at her. 

we’re sitting on my cousins trampoline, the same night, a cherry lollipop in her mouth. i ask her, if she remembers, What We Did, before. this is the only question i manage to ask. a long beat of silence, my heart slowly suffocating me sitting still in my throat, hammering hard. “yeah,” she says, “i’m sorry” i anticipate all of the anxiety and fear and self loathing to disappear into the aether because she’s sorry, i cant believe it, ive wanted this for so long,but my heart sinks back into my chest, and down into my stomach, and out my feet, into the earth, into the core of the earth, melting into the core. “thank you,” i say. i don’t feel better. i don’t feel better at all. i never see her again. 

a year or two later, i’m in my moms car that i’m driving, and i hear a song start on the radio. it sounds like a boy singing, but for some reason the theme is about kissing a girl and it being a really weird thing to do, and i figure a woman must be singing. the chorus starts, “the taste of her cherry chapstick” sinks into my ears and melts inside my skull, im swimming, swimming. “you’re my experimental game”, my body is copying itself, there’s me in the driver seat, me in the middle ,me in the passenger seat, me outside the car, repeating, repeating. everywhere i go afterward this pop sensation seems to be playing. i figure there must be a thousand of me by now, creeping outside my body, getting further and further from the epicenter of my pain.

“i kissed a girl”, or rather, a girl kissed me, and i didnt like it. why didnt i like it? maybe im broken after all.

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

15 - 18 sept. 2019

15 🧃 i woke up this day and started cleaning immediately, i did SO much cleaning and i was pretty proud of myself! i got groceries and dipped out afterwards because spence wanted to front!

💬  jamie was feeling insecure right when i got on so i spent a long time trying to soothe prin, prin doesn’t have very much self esteem which i’m certainly not one to talk about, but, prin deserves to feel better about prinself so i tried.. i think we watched a bit of c*role & t*esday together and that was a good time, music lesbians are good. i was really irritable because mason always tries to talk to us when we have headphones in and that drives us up the wall. but we talked about it and worked it out. made some cinnamon rolls for the two of us (me n mason) so i could emotionally try to reconnect from splitting lol jamie is good and im sad that pri feels so bad about prinself, pri’s cute and soothing to be around, but people have a lot of good in them outside of how useful they are, jeez...

16 💬  didn’t do much the first part of this day but i wanted to get comfy and try to do something nice to cope with general undermedicated misery so i decided to go out to chapters and try to find a cute cat coloring book. jamie recommended we install the n*ko ats*me app and i loved it immediately, cats are great. i ended up finding a pusheen coloring book and it was really cute and soothing to color in. 

jamie was working on one of their school projects and i asked a question and pri took it the wrong way and it started a really long discussion and i was trying again to reassure prin, that went well into the night. i think (like me personally) that things were good by the time we went to sleep, it was nice to be affectionate with prin and for it to make prin happy and feel safer. pri is good, just worries a lot and puts prinself down a lot and that bugs me...i know i dont have any right to be bothered because i feel like shit about myself too but, you know, this is them, not me...just want prin to feel good because pri deserves to, it doesnt have to be deeper than that...

17 💬 oh my god i hate this website. i typed the entry for this part and it got eaten too. fuck tumblr i swear to god. im going to start typing these in google drive first ffs.

i went to eat lunch with mason and went to a coffee shop across the plaza and got a caramel thing and pomegranate froyo with mochi pieces, they were both really good and the froyo was SO tart

the rest of the day was pretty uneventful, just spent it chatting and snuggling with jamie which is fine by me lol

18 💬 was weird this morning from dissociating from nightmares, ended up going back to sleep for 2 hours because my head was heavy and i was feeling weird. i drew myself when i got up. i look so much cooler than i really am.

and jamie drew us together 

so i drew us together too. the nuzz

the rest was uneventful again, just chatting with jamie & kylar about h*talia and all sorts of other things and being close. i had a good time.

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

14 sept. 2019

💤  i totally wrote out almost the entire journal for this day and uploaded all the pictures for it and everything and saved the draft and tumblr decided it didn’t save after all so i’m about to scream, i hate this godforsaken website. sighs. well the second try isnt going to be as thorough because im exhausted from already having wrote about it once -__-

mason called the train station in the a.m. to see if they had our bag and they didnt so we put in a lost and found ticket and went back to bed. mason forgot to pay for the internet so it was out for a bit but we got it situated pretty fast.

when we got back from our trip our amiami packages had arrived and our betterman box set came !! quentin was ludicrously happy and still is, its really excited to see it in hd considering how unbearably low quality it was in the 90s version sdfkjgh

we tried to test if a bluray would play on vlc with our laptop and it spit out 20 errors and crashed so thats a no LOL

browsed amiami to cope with living situation stress and got groceries. jamie shared info about some of prins ids with me and the pkm ids are so cute !! spent most of the entire rest of the night on picrew making icons for everyone and had a blast with that, then jamie drew me!!!!!!!!!!!!

its the cutest thing ive ever seen its SO cute, im not even that cute but the art is adorable and made me (and still makes me) SO enormously happy!!!!!!! its so so so so cute and im so grateful!!!!!!

then our pc updated and toby finally gets to use the juicebox emoji now !! really happy for him, he’s loving it. jamie was feeling a bit insecure towards the end of the night and i tried to reassure prin, pri is good and i had a good time with prin !! decent day overall.

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

13 sept. 2019

dissociated through most of this morning because we spent the whole last stretch with mason’s dad and he sucks more than like, anything, at all, ever

he absolutely WOULD NOT stop calling everyone and everything the r-slur like 15 times a minute and it would make me rocket out of my body every time and i was just sick to death of being there and SO ready to go home

he took us to get coffee from tims and we went back to his place and he has 2 cats, one of them is a savannah and she was SO gorgeous and beautiful and SO soft, the boy was also soft and much more friendly and i mostly tried to concentrate on how good the cats were instead of how bad every single thing masons dad said was. he gave mason his pair of expensive hair clippers since mason is keeping aus hair really short right now and au was grateful.

we waited at the train station for a while sitting in his car and he was giving mason all kinds of ~Life Advice~ and shit like that, randomly did a facetime with aus grandmother and they were having an argument about g*ns and it was so exhausting.

we got on the train back and got some snacks again and tried to chill out for a while. lamia came up because we got coffee.

☕️  The train coffee was pretty good. After a while I took out our library books and tried to give them a good read towards the end but it was too difficult to concentrate. When we got off the train to go to our usual place for sushi we walked by the Ch*ck-Fil-A 

that opened here in T*ronto and the line was so long it wrapped around the building and police were on the streets monitoring the crowd. It was ridiculous.

Sushi was a hot mess, they kept getting our orders wrong and they weren’t even that busy, it was okay but definitely not our best experience. We went to the H-Mart next door to get some things, then we realized Mason left our bag on the train that had Toby’s new stuffed animal and the pair of hair clippers Mason’s father gave au, so we went back to the station and lost & found was already closed. By then the melon ice cream bar and the ice cream mochi we’d gotten were thoroughly melted. It was really disappointing but things happen. Got home and had a shower & switched over to Z.

💤 mostly had the shower and went right to bed tbh i was exhausted sdlkfj it was nice to be affectionate with jamie though !!

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

12 sept. 2019

🧼 i got up early because mason’s sister said she was going to pick us up early for breakfast so i got up at like 10 because she was coming at 11 and didn’t actually pick us up until like 1230 so i was really irritable, but, tbh i’m always irritable...

i was splitting from the moment i woke up, pissed at mason because au misunderstood us when we said we did Not want to go out with aus mom and sister but, shit happens... i was nonverbal most of the day because i was mad and had nothing nice to say to anyone. me, mason, aus sister, and aus mom had food in the foodcourt at the c*rnwall mall, aus sister said she was gonna pay for our stuff but she and mason got food at an asian place and i didnt want that so i took aus debit card with me and she like, slid up between me and the cash register to pay for my food at the last minute like congratulations fuckass you Did A Goode Thinge, good for fucking you.

there was a dollarama in the mall so i beelined into there to find some kind of squish toys i could use to stim with because boy i was about to fucking explode. i found a hot pink taiyaki fish squish and a blue cat that spencer liked and found a small croissant squish for mason. we got a keyring for the back of our phone since our popsockets kept breaking and that seemed to stick pretty well.

we got some ice cream and some place and like it looked pretty but it tasted like shit. lol

then we went to mason’s sisters place so she could pick up her dog dudley, who was pretty cute but kind of overwhelming.

we went to the park and this couple stopped to see the dog and this woman like lost her whole mind about this dog, her canadian accent was so thick and it was pretty amusing. 

we stopped by walmart and jen asked me if i wanted to move the car so mason would be confused coming out of the store and i was just like, you are the most nightmarish creature i can even imagine? what is wrong with you?? i said no, because i’m not an asshole, and she didnt say anything after that. 

after that we went to mason’s moms place and she lives with some random family and there were 2 dogs there, masons moms dog, named lady, and the family’s dog, mia, they were both cute and i was glad to see them

just chilled there for a while. one of the girls that mason’s mom lives with was like 15 and squeezing the 1 inch of pudge on her belly like “i’m so faaat” like god almighty how much younger are they going to make girls get eating disorders. fucks sake.

we went back to the hotel room and ordered pizza, talked things out with mason and it mostly got resolved i think. just stupid misunderstanding stuff.

i found this cute post on tw*tter this artist made about how good it feels for people to laugh at their jokes and it really reminded me of taisaki because they always seem so happy when we laugh at their jokes and we had a nice warm moment, they made an edit of the original draw:

i think jamie fell asleep on me after that and toby fronted the next day bc i was hella ready 2 peace out after that hellish day.

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

11 sept. 2019

🧃 last time i fronted before q!! i front too much probably ^^’

i woke up in the middle of the night and was up for like 2 hours and had trouble falling back asleep, and kept having really bad dreams and didnt get any rest at all, then mason woke me up with less than 10 minutes to get ready because aus mom and sister were coming to get us to take us to the outdoor mall so i had to rush to shower and i was so grumpy..

we met up with aus dad and the first thing he did was hit au in the back of the head and i was so tired and overstimulated and full of wild animal energy it took all of my willpower not to literally jump onto him like a mountain lion and maul him lol.....

but we went inside a place called treasure hunt which is a type of thrift store so aus mom could look for some stuff, she tried to buy us a creme egg because i was lightheaded but we dont like those so i couldnt eat it ^^’ it was nice of her though...

then we went to subway across the plaza and that meal was basically silent for me which was more than fine with me because aus family is terrible and ableist and rude and mean and i didnt have anything to say to them anyway.. :T

then we went back to our hotel and aus mom stayed with us and jen left to go to work (thank goodness) and au talked with aus mom for a long time. aus mom made it a point to tell us that she wouldnt respect our pronouns because “it” is for objects and she thinks its condescending and im like thank you jennifer WE KNOW, that is the entire point. we do not identify as a person... jeez...

we found out at that moment that we might be getting evicted from our current place because L is a nightmare creature and owes like $3k in rent and has been blowing money on dumb unimportant stuff lately instead of paying bills, so i started looking for apartments to try and cope and not freak out... they talked about using color-by-number apps and au found some au liked, i looked independently for one and found one called coloringluna that has really cute stained glass style pieces

then later aus dad came to pick us (me, mason, mason’s mom) up and he has a remodeled police car and it goes really fast really fast sldfjsdf it was wild and kinda neat... we went to a place called, scores, i think? to have dinner and we had really good food again

i got a fried chicken and waffle sandwich, which we’d never tried before (chicken and waffles i mean) and got apple egg rolls that were so tasty after!!

we ran into the dollarama next door to grab plates and silverware so we could eat our leftovers from bostons pizza and we never did eat them...

i told mason i was really overwhelmed and wanted to stay in and au misunderstood me and things went poorly the next day but this day went kind of okay... i just wished aus family wasnt legitimately so awful, but they are so awful... aus mom is the only one thats kind of normal and kind of not the worst person on earth but even she is ableist and racist and not good in a lot of ways.... T_T

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

10 sept. 2019

🧃 toby again!!! i promise i stopped fronting eventually ^^’

i didnt sleep overnight because i was too anxious and i slept too late into the afternoon on the 9th i didnt get sleepy until right when it was time to leave. i bugged mason into us leaving really early because i was paranoid about missing the train and my bugging ended up really paying off because after everything we only got there 10 minutes before boarding time...

i realized on the second (out of 3) bus on the way to the train station that i didnt pack and single stim toy and it was hard not to freak out, especially since i was already overstimulated and didnt have a way to get the anxious energy out, but i toughed it and we made it.

the train was really cool, we’ve never been on the train before and it was neat and i enjoyed it a lot. we spent like $20 in snacks because we didnt have time to get breakfast before we got on the train so i felt like harry saying “we’ll take the lot”. i got coffee and sprite and banana bread and hummus with crisps, the crisps were HORRIBLE they were like some stale tasting break and chia seeds and they sucked slkdfj but the coffee was surprisingly good! i was able to nap a little bit on and off on the way there but as anyone who has taken public transit on long journeys knows, you cannot get comfortable enough to sleep on a train

i snapped these nice photos of the sunrise over lake ontario as we were going by, the sunrise was really nice but i had to close the curtain so i could try to rest sdfgsd

when we got there i was definitely overstimulated to death and then we had to walk Half An Hour to get to a shoppers to buy bus passes for the duration of the trip (that we legitimately did not even use one time), then we went to.. billy.. k’s? i think its called? and had hotdogs and fries and they were really good except they unloaded like 4 gallons of mustard onto each dog and we like mustard but not that much ^^’ we had to wipe it off with a paper towel which is like, gosh dang...

then we discover there are 0 bus stops between where we were and the hotel because mason did not check whatsoever so we had to walk another half hour to the hotel. it was honestly like one of the most miserable experiences for me because our backpack was extremely heavy and we’re not used to walking long distances yet so our legs were burning so bad by the time we got there and we were already exhausted from not sleeping and it was starting to rain just as we came in. luckily the breeze was okay but it was SO far from where we got off the train it was miserable. we stopped inside a value village on the way to the hotel so i could try to find a stim toy to cope with and i found a wonderful son

he was very soft and nice to hold and he really helped make the trip more bearable for us because we really had an awful time skdfj

we waited for mason’s family to arrive and as aus sister and mother were congregating outside our hotel door i heard aus sister loudly say “i am NOT going to call them “it”!” ok jen.....

so we all got introduced and mason’s mom was trying to catch au up on the family situation and aus sister is extremely argumentative and annoying and constantly had SOMETHING to say every time aus mother would say literally anything, she constantly had to disagree and correct her and it was the most annoying experience we were splitting so bad immediately orz we were mostly too out of it to get extremely mad though because we hadnt slept in an eternity so at least we were mostly numb at that point

we all went to dinner at boston pizza that night and we had a super fancy pasta and i got an apple dessert because autumn is coming and that means more apple stuff!! the food was really really delicious

taisaki told me that the teacher tried to give them a bad grade on their stitching book and we were really sad because we loved it and thought it was awesome ;;;--;;;; mean teachers...

we went to sleep at a human hour and honestly it just felt amazing to be in a real bed that was off of the floor for once.. T_T.. then the next day!

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

9 sept. 2019

🧃  i fronted yet again ^^’

when i got up i immediately did all sorts of cleaning and cleaning isnt super Fun at least not for me but the rewards of having a clean space are immense so its always worth it!!

i started to message in the gc about science stuff and mordecai got overwhelmed and frustrated for havin limits and we had another super long talk about it being okay for them to only engage when they feel up for it but even if they come back around to it later its always valuable for them to contribute!! autism happens and its important to take breaks and not force yourself so you dont get burned out!! 

asking for things is always good too and we talked a long time about it and i think it went well!! he told me they have lots and lots of interests and i was really sad we didnt know sooner but theyre so smart and so good and their thoughts and feelings are ssssooo valuable and i really hope we can help them get to the point where they feel confident and comfy studying and learning and engaging with subjects and recovering from all the bad internalized stuff from parents and schools and all that formal stuff... 

learning is great and we want everyone to be able to enjoy it and that goes especially for husband!!!!! we talked so long into the morning of the 9th with the other conversation and talked so long into the morning of the 10th with this conversation we really didnt do anything else this day (the 9th) at all ^^’ but every moment we spend talking to husband is really important and valuable and necessary!!!!!! we love helping them feel better and good about things and i think its always super worth it to take the time to talk things out with them.. we love them so much!!!!!! they are so good and we are grateful they feel comfy trying to get better with us, they really really deserve to get better!! all of them!! always !!

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

8 sept. 2019

🧃  i fronted again this day! right when i got up me n mason had to clean the whole kitchen because L had guests coming and all of the dishware griffin had brought us was still all over the place. i cleaned lots pretty quickly and mason helped and i was proud of us ^^

later L was really rude to mason and it really made us mad, just dumb stuff about stains on the couch cushion and them losing their own throw blanket and being passive aggressive to au about it... theyre really childish sometimes and its frustrating...

mason was dissociating really bad and i figured it was probably from stress cos we were about to see aus family, on the way out the door to work au stepped in the cats’ water dish and water went everywhere and L got really huffy with mason again and it was just an accident...

i spent a lot of time trying to draw mordecai because he said he couldn’t find a comfy way to look feminine and it didnt suit him and that made me really sad because everyone deserves to feel good about the way they look and i wanted to help him find somethin he liked!! so i tried to draw him with some different feminine hairstyles!! it was fun to try and he liked the low ponytail in the end and drew himself with it and it turned out SO cute and i loved it so much!!! he’s so cute !!

i was in a tanizaki shift so i drew myself so he could see !!

n he drew himself kissin my head and that made me sooooo happy !!!!

then i drew my tanizaki shift w my fennec fox ears and that was comfy too ‘v’!!

then later quentin was venting about school stuff on twitter (wrt adhd/autism) and mordecai got kinda self conscious and we had a misunderstanding and i tried to leave for the night so i wouldnt keep him up all night fighting when he had class in the morning and it just made things worse and it felt really really bad but i took a bit of time away and came back and we showered together and we worked it out eventually. it was scary, i dont like fighting, but im happy it worked out... 

they have a lot of trauma about school that they havent really talked about and i tried to reassure him that they’re always welcome to tell us about things because we always really really care what they think and love to listen to them and want them to feel included... so i hope that got internalized ok because we really really love them and love to hear their thoughts so much!!!!!!! ((flaps)) want them to feel loved and included and good. after we worked out the stress we both went to sleep because he had class early and it was hella early in the morning by then anyway.. TvT

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

other half of 7 sept. 2019

🧃  i took over when spencer started splitting because im baby and i dont get mad so much as i get upset when bad stuff is happening, and in our case since we have bpd its better to be sad than angry ^^’

we were really stressed because we had to start rationing out our meds because our insurance was being a nightmare and wouldnt let us get 2 of our prescriptions when we needed them but you gotta do what you gotta do...

i watched some machimazo with mordecai and had a good time!! n we showered together and that was nice // i got to put on the sweater rook got me and i love it soooooooooo much!!! its so cute and soft and huge and comfy and makes me so so so happy !!!!

i love all the bunny ear stickers on SNOW !!! they’re so cute and make me feel cute even though i dont look anything like this ^^’ mordecai gave me a goodnight kiss and that made me happy! // toby likes kisses, they’re really nice... i had a really nice time! i almost always have a good time when im out because everyone is nice and its fun!!

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

first half of 7 sept. 2019

💬 i fronted for the first part of the 7th but started splitting later in the day. most of the 6th turning into the 7th was my conversation w mordecai. he hasnt been up almost ever so he hasn’t internalized a lot of the reassurance we’ve given everyone else, i felt bad that he was so stressed but i have anxiety so when other people are anxious it makes me More anxious and then we’re both fucked... 

i just like, i didnt know him at all so it was a lot of extreme reactions i was trying to help him worth through and it was overwhelming given that we’d just met. its kind of like how we felt working the cashier job when someone would be buying some gummy worms and a pepsi and when we’d ask how they were theyd say “hi i just had to bury my dead son today” like woah, that’s a lot, very suddenly. lol 

it’s not that severe but the point is that i didn’t have a lot of time to prepare myself emotionally for going through all of what we went through, but, it ended well, at least /i/ thought it ended well and i was glad for that. i do want him to be comfortable and like goddamn relax ever because he’s a good person but i know its hard, especially when you’ve been in the system dungeon for 200 years, which isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. shit happens. but i think it ended ok is the point. i want him to be ok.

the actual day of the 7th we got up late in the afternoon and griffin had brought up the final rest of our stuff and our meds. we were going to go to kensington market and TIFF with mason but we got up so late we didnt go so we just hung out with griffin. we stopped by some random ass place to pick up an amaz*n package of our straw cleaner and that was wild but we got it.

then we went to st. louis’ which is like a pub place and got this hella good chicken wing poutine with sweet chili sauce. it was great.

then we went to ik*a and got a glass teapot and some measuring cups, only to later remember griffin brought up our measuring cups so now we have extra.

we looked up cats in the area because we want to adopt one eventually but like 90% of them are either too old or the rescue claims they dont like to be touched or held ever and we’re not about to adopt an animal that hates affection, like thats what theyre for..... 

while i was putting away all our dishes and shit i started asking mason to ask L if we really needed to keep 2-3 copies of ALL the huge utensils and they were being a huge brat about it and getting really snotty about us sharing utensils like, we fucking live together, rly?? baby wants their own spatula no boys allowed? ffs... i started splitting so i switched out w toby in the evening lol but mostly my part of the day was good minus L being a brat. 

i like mordecai a lot and i want him to be ok so i hope i can be more helpful in the future now that ive had time to like, fully soak in what kind of state of mind i need to be in when we interact, so i wont get overwhelmed and not be of any help at all and make things worse when he’s not feeling good. hopefully we’ll meet again and things will go better for both of us.

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6 sept. 2019

⚡ i dont really know why i was the one to get up this morning but it was me! i was happy to be out and about, it took me a while to find my sweater but i did find it and that always makes me feel awesome!! i keep forgetting to remove the ugly american flag heart on the sleeve but i’ll get to it eventually.. 

mason and i headed out with the intention of changing our home gym to one here in canada but on the way we needed to donate some things. when the first bus came it was packed so mason made us wait for the next bus, i knew it would be just as packed and i was right, unfortunately, but we made it! we got a coupon for value village so i was able to find toby a sweater!! it was really cute and i was super hoping he would like it, it was huge and pretty comfy.

we took the vpark bus all the way to steeles which is as far as that bus goes, it took an eternity but the bus ride went okay! i was excited to be going inside a gym but when we got there the lady told us the person we talked to about it in roc was wrong and we couldn’t change it without cancelling our membership, so that was bust... i stopped fronting after that because it was really rainy and getting cold and making me depressed, so i switched with spence!

💬 i dont really know why i was the one to come up either lol... especially since we were doing a lot of walking and im a lazy ass. i think hadrian was fronting for mason and that might have cosmically pulled me in (hadrian is aizawa bnha) so we were complaining together a lot. we went to the pmall (pacific mall) and had a pretty good time. they have like a thousand little shops inside this 2 story mall, its huge and they sell a billion things. one of the first little shops we stopped by had a gengar mask and i blitzed out of my body because i wanted it so bad but i have social anxiety and we are cosmically embarrassed to purchase items from weeb stores so i asked mason to buy it for me and au was nice enough to lol

we also got a hundred asian snacks from the little shops, i found some sakura flavored chips and some bbq eel flavored chips. we havent tried either of them yet but we’re really curious about them. the melon cream soda was really good. we also got a lighter for our jolly rancher scented candles.

one of the snack shops had pokemon drinks, we’d gotten the pokeball one at another shop one of the times we visited but this one had the gengar drink and i was SO fuckin stoked. incidentally i still havent drank it yet but ill get to it lol..

we love hi-chew so we got a few of the non-jp-brand ones, they were all really good except the bubble tea one, it tastes just like tapioca, but tapioca is not a good flavor in a cream chew sdgfjhsfd did not like

we got bubble tea and fancy waffles from a shop when we got hungry and they were really good. i got the taro slush because purple is my color, i invented it

we got some pop sockets for our phone case, a lemon shape one for farren and a pawprint for carol, and ill be damned if the pawprint one didnt also break the same day we got it. we had our first pop socket on our phone for like 5 months and it never broke and then we broke 2 within a week so it was just like, the fuck...

we got another bubble tea on the way out, it was brown sugar milk tea which we normally like, and it was gorgeous to look at, but the texture of the tapioca was HORRIBLE, it was the worst bubble tea we’ve ever had so we had to throw 3/4ths of it away. but it was really good to see

we were out for hella hours so we were so exhausted when we got home but we made fajitas and they turned out delicious, mordecai and i had a misunderstanding though and he was having a rough time though so we only got to eat 1 of the 3 that we made and they tasted so bad reheated we didnt get to eat more, but we really enjoyed the one we had. shit happens

some dumb girl online posted some really passive aggressive tweet about adults still liking bland food/not liking vegetables and it was really ableist and immature and we got really heated about it lol but we dont like to get mad online so we just made a thread about like, hi, have u ever heard of autism. i dont think u have. and left it at that. all in all i enjoyed my time out and had a good day.

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