preventingselfdestruction

[preventingselfdestruction]

5/14/2019 at 8:35

The aftermath of a therapy session

I am on and off feeling numb.

I lose focus easily.

I am tired.

I wonder about some of the things I said.

I fear my continued vulnerability.

I worry about judgement.

I ate some food and it brought me back to reality for a bit.

I am back to feeling out of focus and numb.

I feel stupid.

I feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing.

I want to go home and sleep.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

5/13/2019 at 10:01pm

I am feeling numb. Today has been the worst of it. I was feeling off last week especially wednesday. I think it is due to work stuff. A client who shared a lot. That made me think of the robot. I tried to reach out but my boss was out sick and the other person was not available.

The feeling is probably being exacerbated by the fact that I am exhausted. I'll go to sleep soon.

I am really anxious about talking with my supervisor about my reaction to what my client shared. I was almost in tears a few times today just thinking about it. Not necessarily thinking about talking to my supervisor, but more so thinking about my reaction.

I have supervision tomorrow. I also have therapy tomorrow. Hopefully at least one will help and I will feel a little better.

For now, sleep will hopefully help.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

4/11/2019 at 9:59pm

At my therapy session this week we talked a lot about the situation I wrote a lot about in my last post. I was vague in that post. Long story short: my estranged aunt made some bad choices, those choices caused her son to be put in foster care, he has a shit ton of medical issues that I am not prepared to handle and my apartment is too small so I couldn't take him in. For the reasons my aunt is estranged my extended family wanted nothing to do with the situation, so my cousin is in a temporary group home-ish placement until they can find an appropriate placement (I am hoping for paternal family).

It is an ongoing shitty situation and I am trying to be there for my cousin as best I can.

But the whole situation makes me think about me having a baby and questioning that. Like what if something happens to me? Then what. Will I be estranged from my family and they will reject my kid? It sucks. I want to be a mom. But I also want to predict the outcome and I can't.

Basically the situation has taken over my last two therapy sessions and I am hoping to move on to something new. I want to talk about my feelings around sex. I want to talk about how penises gross me out, but how I also am a little grossed out by the idea of mouths and hands and genitals all touching each other in the act of sex. Even kissing. My one main experience with kissing was sorta shitty and gross. But ya. I am awkward around the idea of having that conversation, but I also really want to have that conversation.

Time for sleep.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

3/20/2019 10:48pm

You know those choices you have to make? I'm talking about the ones where it seems there is no right answer. The ones where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I'm stuck in the middle of one of those right now. It is shitty and it sucks. And it comes at a time where it has been nearly a month since I last saw my therapist. I was supposed to see her a few days ago but then something else got scheduled that I couldn't (and also didn't want to) get out of so I rescheduled to next week.

So it comes down to this: do I do the thing (with potentially devastating consequences and definite not necessarily great life changes for me and another person) or do I not do the thing (with potentially devastating consequences and far less life changes for me but the other person will still have the changes). One choice I feel a little selfish for, but I also realize that I dont know if I am capable of meeting the needs of the other person.

On another note, sort of: there was an event I attended last week. It was really amazing, but some stuff I thought I was over came out a little. 1. To my own detriment, I do not want my parents to be right sometimes, 2. I am holding on to the "rebel" label (when it comes to my family) too hard maybe?

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

Haha yup!

[preventingselfdestruction]

How I feel about the robot story.

[preventingselfdestruction]

2/13/2019 at 10:13pm

Trigger warning: discussion of details of sexual assault

I am going to write out the details of the sexual assault I experienced. I am still coming to terms with it and I am not even sure I am comfortable with calling it a sexual assault.

But I want to unpack the night and talk about details I have literally never told anyone. I don't think I have ever even written about this.

I was 21. I hadn't drunk much and had very little alcohol tolerance. It was my senior year of college. It was maybe October?

I had two roommates. We decided to go out. I had found this black lace slip thing at a thrift store and I had sewn another layer into to make it slightly less see through. At the first stop we each got a drink called the four horsemen? I think it was like 4 shots of different hard liquors. We downed them. I had bought a bottle of burnetts pink lemonade vodka. (4 shots total) I filled three water bottles with the vodka mixed with some actual pink lemonade. Throughout the night I would nip into the various bathrooms to drink some more. (maybe 8 shots total). I ordered several other drinks throughout the night. I am honestly not sure how many. It had to have been at least 3, but probably more. (At least 11 shots total). I was trashed. We kept going from bar to bar. They seemed to know where they were going, I did not. We went to a bar where there was this dance floor area in the back with a seperate cover charge. Walking in I literally fell over. I was so drunk. This random guy (I remember thinking he was gay?) essentially picked me back up and said "its ok, happens to the best of us." I don't know why but the bar had a theme that night about robots. There were people everywhere dressed in cardboard boxes painted silver as robots.

I was literally so drunk I could hardly stand. I remember leaning against a wall. I vaguely remember talking to my friends. Most of the night was a blur. One other interaction I can remember a lot about. I don't know how the interaction started. One minute I was dancing with my friends, the next minute I had a robot dancing behind me. I remember my body rubbing against the cardboard boxes and it being slippery. At some point his hands --I have made an assumption that it was a him, I couldn't see the person due to their costume-- found their way to my breasts and one even between my legs. I remember it feeling good. I remember him whispering in my ear "lets take this outside" and me moving away from him, laughing, and sayung no way, then telling my friends. We all laughed. At some point we called a friend to come pick us up. We were all drunk and fell asleep quickly.

The memory popped into my head a lot when I would attempt to masturbate.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

2/12/2019 at 10:28pm

I had therapy tonight and talked to my therapist about the robot. I lied to her about something she asked. I told her the story. I told her that I think about it a lot. She told me to pay attention to when I think about it. I told her I would and I will try to. She called it assault. Then she asked if my body responded to it. (She said it much more eloquently than I can type out.) I almost cried. But I lied and said I was too drunk to feel anything. I wasn't. I remember it feeling good. I remember going back to that moment many other times during college because it kept point into my head and I rememberd that it felt good. I hate that it felt good and I hate that I lied. She said that even if my body did respond that doesn't mean I consented. I know that it my head but my heart doesn't agree.

I am not sober right now. I didn't drink that much but I am definitely not sober.

Why did I lie?

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

2/7/2019 at 10:13 pm

I have been struggling with how or how not to write this and what to write all evening. These thoughts have been overwhelming. At times I am struggling to breathe with their weight.

I am a therapist in therapy.

I was discussing a case at work with my supervisor who is maybe too familiar with me? Not in a bad or inappropriate way, but she shares a lot with me. I think she shares a lot with everyone maybe. This will be important later.

Often when I discuss a case my supervisor asks if there is trauma history. If I am not sure we review the case together to see. Often we find some sort of traumatic event. Then everything gets blamed on the trauma.

Today I was in group supervision with a few fellow therapists and our supervisor. Someone asked about a case. My supervisor immediately brings up trauma. I had a hard time staying present. I would chime in occasionally. I was struggling.

After group supervision I was talking with my supervisor. She was telling me some stuff about her oldest child. She said something to the effect of "I think they had some sort of sexual trauma in their early teens that they just aren't ready to tell me about." I recognize that this seems like a wierd thing for a supervisor to say to their supervisee, but it is just how it is.

Now all evening I have been thinking about my upcoming therapy appointment on Tuesday. I think I habe written here before that I think my therapist thinks I have some sort of trauma I am not telling her about. I have no memories of this trauma. The idea that I might have this huge unknown trauma really stresses me out. I think that I will talk about my thoughts this upcoming session.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

"Unlike guilt, which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong, and this assault on the self it can cause deep depression and severe anxiety."

Therapist on The Fosters S5E15

[preventingselfdestruction]

2/5/2019

Last session was good. I thought it was going to be roughtler the week after than it has been. Actually, overall I have been feeling quite good. Next session I need to talk about the robot. I'm actually a little surprised that that was what I left for last. I thought that I would leave the seductress poem for last.

Maybe it will be a good lead in to the "I am worried that you think I was sexually abused. But I have no knowledge of any sexual abuse. But I also understand the things that might lead a therapist to believe that I was" conversation well.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

1/29/2019 at 9:16pm

Tonight was therapy. I had two options for what to talk about. The first was outlined in a recent post, but I just don't think I was ready for that tonight.

The second was a selection of items from a huge binder I have of various items from my past. A lot of what was in there was the writing, but the items that stood out to me weren't necessarily my writing.

1) A photo of me from in high school with my favorite band, Barlow Girl, in the background. I was wearing the hoodie I basically wore every day around that point in my life. I was around 15 or 16.

2) A series of notecards that I used for my first ever youtube video. I never showed my face. The cards read as follows: "-These are my secrets: -I am insecure -My friends think I am overly secure -I fake my smiles most of the time -I do not think I ever want to get married -I might not even believe in romantic love -I read to escape reality -I am a feminist... -But I hate my body -I trust my parents w/ my life... -...but never with my secrets... -I was raised by a Christian family... -...But I don't know what I believe about God anymore... -I find it hard to trust people -I have a whole binder of stuff I have written to try to deal... -I cut myself when I get overwhelmed -I've tried to stop too many times to count... -But I keep running back to it... -I'll probably never stop trying -Those were <u>my</u> secrets... -Tell me yours?" My therapist expressed interest in a few of the cards in particular. The ones about marriage/love, feminist/body, trust/secrets, religion, and thr last one about self-harm. She asked me if I think I am done with self-harm. I said I hope so. She asked me again. I said I think so.

3) A card written by a friend from high school in which she says all sorts of nice things about me. But a lot of them are about how I am awesome because I have helped her. I feel like it sort of is representative of my friendships in high school. It also reminded me of the meeting (think Intervention) that I attended to support this friend after she showed a bunch of people at youth group how she had self-harmed up and down her arms. That meeting freaked me out and made me not want to tell anyone about my own struggles.

4) This was not in my binder, but I found it in the word documents on my laptop. It is a poem that I wrote in college titled "Seductress" that is about my relationship with self-harm at the time. My therapist read it through once, amd then again. She said she felt it was very sensual, and not something she would have expected from someone who thinks they might be asexual. I can see where she is coming from.

We ran out of time to discuss the 5th and final piece. She tried to ask me about it, but I said we didn't have time to go into that one.

5) It is a little traced drawing of a robot on a 3x5 notecard. The robot stands with curved metal arms and legs. The silver of it's body is colored with a metalic sharpie and thin black lines were added in to delineate the various parts. It's hands are open like it is about to grab something. It has two little antennae and a rounded helmet (sort of like buzz lightyear) with a large question mark. That robot symbolized the person in a robot costume that felt me up when I was drunk out of my mind my senior semester of college.

I will probably talk about this last piece in my next session in two weeks. It might be a gopd segway (sp?) into the other things I want to talk about.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

1/28/2019at 10:36pm

This weekend I had some time that I spent reading some word document journals that I had written mostly in college.

I noticed a few themes when I read them:

-The feeling of wanting to self-harm was preceeded by feeling "out of control"

-I really feared opening up to people, usually for fear of what might happen. I feel like that fear carries over to today.

-I really wanted to open up to people. I have journal entry after journal entry of me writing up imaginary conversations where I would tell people what was going on with me. I desired like intimacy, but feared I would never have it because of my fear of opening up.

-also, I discovered that when I first self-harmed it was around my freshman year of high school, not earlier like I had suspected. I have a detailed account of that first time built into some story I tried to write.

It was interesting to read them. I was also super happy to find the one titled "seductress" which is one of the things I wrote that I am quite proud of. I feel it really describes my relationship with self-harm at the time.

Writing this I keep flashing back to my senior year of college and the robot.

That is all. But I am going to read a previous post before I go to bed.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

1/22/2019-another note

I crave touch and pay for a massage therapist.

I crave emotional intimacy and pay for a therapist.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

1/22/2019 10:20pm

I had a conversation tonight that I want to process a bit. It was mostly a conversation via text, but it started in person.

A friend of mine has a daughter that is starting therapy. That friend wants to keep communication open about the therapy. She was asking for advice.

In the initial in person conversation there was another person present. That person shared about their own history of going to therapy as a teen. Part of me says "tell her, maybe it will help" another part is saying "don't be a burden she doesn't need that right now." Then I think about my own last therapy session and my conversation about how I need to let myself (or make myself?) be more vulnerable.

I am aware that I am not setting myself up for two-way friendships and the emotional intimacy that I crave when I don't hold up my end of the deal. It sucks but I really struggle with it.

Last session I think my therapist suggested that I practice with her. I don't know exactly how to practice that.

I remember experiencing a lot of jealousy growing up surrounding my friendships. Like when a friend seemed to be closer to another friend than to me. I still feel that a lot.

Next session I want to talk about what I wrote in my last post. I also want to know about her relationship with religion.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

1/17/2019 10:05pm

I am a therapist who is in therapy trying to figure out some pieces of my identity and how to accept myself. There are a few things that have come up in therapy that I honestly didn't expect.

If I am honest and try to look at some of the things objectively, some of what I have shared points in a direction I struggle with a lot. Here are some examples of some of my disclosures and experiences in therapy, in some sort of order.

To some extent the idea of having sex grosses me out and I am not sure I want to have sex. My therapist said this was "interesting."

My friend K was doing a lot of crazy things and I tried to tell my mom about it. She shut that down and told me K was probably lying. I reacted really strongly to that and didn't let myself tell people things after that. My therapist said something about that being a potentially out of proportion reaction.

In my junior high years and into high school I really became obsessed with sexual purity. I have always chocked that up to the fact that my church was obsessed with sexual purity. I think I attended at least three "purity conferences" during 7th-10th grade. I pledged to not even kiss someone until I was getting married. It felt like an easy thing to do because I was grossed out by the idea of sex.

Talking about my self-harm history led me to experience this sort of buzzing and numb feeling which may be dissociation according to my therapist. I know that dissociation is a coping tool that is most often seen with abuse history.

If I think back to when my self-harm began I remember it being before 9th grade or very early in 9th grade. While I have always sort of assumed it had something to do with Paige's death, I think that only exacerbated it.

At some point my therapist asked me "what do you think it is about?" and I shrugged and said I have no clue. She asked me what I fear it is about and I lied and shrugged.

The truth is that I fear that I experienced some sort of abuse that I am unaware of.

That fear comes from a couple places: if I am truly gay then my family will blame it on the abuse (my mom has inferred that all gay people were abused), the stereotype in my family is that therapists will like put memories or thoughts in your head that never happened (and I worry that what if that happens to me), and I fear that if I was abused and I go down this path then I will have potential "memories" come back and what if they are really horrible (maybe I would be better off not knowing them).

There are some other things that I feel like also fit into this theme:

I suddenly stopped hugging or showing physical affection with people around 7th-8th grade. I told people that I just didn't like hugs. I said that for a long time, but I do like hugs I think.

I slept over at Paige's house once and she suggested that we share her bed to sleep in, which is probably a relatively normal thing for young teens to do. It freaked me out and I said no making a makeshift bed on the floor.

A similar thing happened in around 11th grade, but at Julia's house. I was sleeping over. She announced that she sleeps naked and just hopped into her bed naked while I avoided looking. I think there was an offer to share a bed that night too.

At some point Pam became my "small group" (read: bible study sort of thing). I remember always feeling incredibly uncomfortable around her. She was a very physically affectionate person and hugged and kissed me on the cheek a lot. I was not the only person who was uncomfortable with it, but the others in the small group were too. I remember having situations where we would all get together and try to ditch Pam where she couldn't find us (like play hide and seek at the church) and we would talk about how uncomfortable she made us.

I reacted more strongly than is probably normal to the robot incident (long story short: I was incredibly drunk and dirty danced with someone in a cardboard box robot costume and they felt me up. I felt dirty and gross and some more complicated feelings for quite a while afterwards. I still do sometimes.)

Maybe I should read this to my therapist at our next session.

I have no knowledge of any abuse occurring in my childhood. My parents did use spanking as a discipline method and I do remember my dad being mad a lot as a child, but no real abuse.

E.

[preventingselfdestruction]

1/15/2019 8:12pm

I crave emotional intimacy. But it also really freaks me out. I worry about what people will think of me and that prevents me from fulfilling that need.

My therapist told me to come up with some topics that would include being more emotionally intimate. For example, even just telling people that I struggle with being emotionally intimate. Like telling them that I would like to be more vulnerable, but admitting that I am not so good at it. I dont really know what else to say, but I should come up with some more topics.

I would like to reflect back (next session) on some things we talked about a while back in therapy. Basically how I remember it is that we were talking about when the self-harm began and what maybe was causing the dissociation. And sort of within that conversation she asked me if something had happened within my life around that time that I started self-harming. And honestly, the only thing I can think of is that situation wjere I tried to tell my mom about K and I was dismissed and not believed. I think my therapist thinks that was not a big enough thing to cause all that response. But then she asked if there was anything else and I said not that I can think of. Then she asked if there was anything I hoped it wasn't. I said no. But the true answer is yes. I fear that it is that I havw some sort of abuse history (especially sexual abuse) that I completely do not remember. There are a few reasons I fear that. One is because if I don't remember maybe there is a good reason and I shouldn't go poking around. Another is because I feel like the stereotype is that therapists will put memories in your head of abuse that didn't happen. And maybe another is that if I was sexually abused then maybe that is the reason I question my sexuality or at the very least it is what my family would blame for my sexuality.

I hesitate to bring it back up at my next session, but I feel like I should.

E.