pridelost

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Please dont spread my private posts before i claim I'm finished- except i eternaly lose the chance of updating or finishing- because i dont keep a draft on anywhere else. i only type, save and post directly on this platform. And since it's impossible to state everything clearly in one type, and obviously many impulsive types, misunderstandings are easily to cause: for example, i have admitted in my internal monologue that i became a hater after second time kidnap and rape in late 2024 when i realized the two-time kidnap and rape was associated with social media posts, but I hadn't found the time to confess it out loud because for a very long time i totally gave up making any explanation or argument with Chinese people due to extreme disappointment, not that i wanted to cover for my crime or something- isn't it extra embarrassing to being pointed out later by other people that the somehow innocent self was a lie?

And just another heads-up before reading: I can't confess things that i didn't do.

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Social media explanation, because as the two times kidnapping and rape are the repetitive chapter of the SM Square beating, i think social media posts are considered related:

1. I signed up for first QQ account in roughly 2007 when i was third grade. On QQ I named myself "冰橙子" which was directly translated into "IcedOrangeKid", "ice" is an integration of my mom, my father and i because my mom is the second child, and my father and i share a family name which means "water", and "orange" is my father's name but also is associated with my mom's- anyway, it's a very very smart name, both meaning and aesthetics wise, even though i didn't think this much when i came up with it in first grade dreaming of becoming a book writer. The name actually leveled up the toughness of Chinese people's trans-parent business and that was probably why i got beaten very often since then. I actually seldom used Tencent QQ or any other social media platforms during elementary school from 2005 to 2011, and i, as i could remember, never posted anything publicly either on QQ Zone or Sina Weibo during elementary school. And when i was in high school, since i was soonly being hated by most of my classmates out of blues, i used QQ to chat with friends privately more than to make public posts on QQ Zone. And i did not speak in group chat, NOT FOR ONCE. I checked QQ Zone quite often but never posted, and seldom commented or replied. The only public post i could remember that might be considered mean is where i roasted a korean actor named Zhang Genshuo, but only about his hairstyles, probably influenced by the domestic hatred towards Korea at that time. Other than that, i did not say anything negative online.

2. In roughly 2010-11 SinaWeibo became nation wide popular (at least in my echo chamber). i signed up for first SinaWeibo account shortly after i enter junior high school in 2011's fall. I changed the name for a few times, the only two names i can think of is "夏橙子" and "般鼓" -as mentioned above, my nickname on QQ was "冰橙子", since i just went into "厦大附中", i upgraded it to "夏橙子"- even though my Weibo acc had very few followers, and all my posts received almost zero feedback & interaction, i still insisted posting positively and never involved myself in any form of cyber bullying- but i didn't post a lot to be honest. I remembered in 2013 or 2014, i added my roommates as mutual followers- except the three girls, i never had any acquaintances on Weibo- but i gradually stopped using it because 👇

3. I grew an obsession of Rock music and became a fan of the British band named "Blur" in early 2016, i even started another account exclusively for it named "伞腿" and gradually gained followers (like, em, 100 followers? not including some accounts that are obviously fake) and likes, so in that circumstances i was almost impossible to involve myself in cyber bullying. I abandoned the account in early 2017 for the faded enthusiasm to rock music and i was busy preparing myself for high school graduation exam, also, Weibo started using phone number as a must-have login access, which means without phone number i couldn't modify any of my usage record, so i can confidently share all my usage record though all these years of the two accounts "般鼓" and "伞腿"to prove my innocence.

4. From 2017 to 2018, while preparing for high school graduation exam, i was mainly using a Douban account signed up on January 26, 2017 which many might know as "user759351", and again, all my posts received zero interaction, but i insisted posting, part of it was because i enjoyed putting my "not so insignificant emotions" in gutter and the potential of finding someone similar to me. But even so, i still posted quite

6. I signed up for another SinaWeibo account right after the high school graduation exam using Facebook to login (no reason, just for fun), and it was at that time, i saw a video of a girl raped in public in front of many people and none coming to rescue. Torn and disappointed, i even DM'ed the author if i could repost the video to Twitter to raise international awareness and support, but shortly after the author replied, weibo took away the Facebook login button and i could no longer log in. But i was too naive and too astonished by it, so i posted about it on my Douban acc "user759351" mentioned above.

7. after the attempt of helping a rapee and losing a SinaWeibo acc, i mainly used Douban while waiting for my college entrance examination's results. I didn't remember when i signed up for the next SinaWeibo acc, probably in July or August in 2018, as i used my mom's phone number to sign up while still at home. I also changed the username for several times, but i stayed in "KindaLinda"- some might know i named myself "kindablurred" on my only Google acc during the time when i was a fan of the British band "Blur", and i was obsessed with the "kinda" series, so i continued to name after "kinda" on Weibo as "KindaLinda", although it was easy to be messed up and mistaken for my college roommate Huang Mei or other acquaintances, because i used a profile picture of a man smoking in yellow for many years- until i deleted the acc in late 2023. but in college, even though i did use Weibo a lot, i still seldom posted or commented on this acc. and i still didn't add friends in college, nor did i check their pages- actually, when i used weibo, i didn't even consider any people from college, not to mention posting about them, privately or publicly. below is the screenshot of the "credit rating" of the "KindaLinda" acc taken in December 13, 2020 very before the first time kidnap and rape: you could tell, after more than 2 years' of use during which i did NOT know i was monitored, the credit ratings apart from "social association" (i said i never added any acquaintances) or "identity verification" (probably because I used my mom's phone as login method while submitting my real name and id number later), the ratings attributing to speech is actually very good.

8. during 2020 pandemic, while staying at home i watched a Chinese idol competition show during which i slowly grew a passion towards K-pop and idol industry. so when taking a gap year in home in mid 2020, i became a Chinese idol's stan and started a fan account "CitizenKaren". this acc has contributed to many idols, probably because after first time kidnap and rape, i became quite attention seeking and insecure. below is the screenshot of "CitizenKaren" acc's credit rating taken in September 28, 2020 after only 2 months' of use. I really couldn't find any other screenshots and the account was as well deleted in late 2023. but likewise, it was actually very hard to involve yourself in cyber bullying when you had a fan acc. and as i mentioned many times, even during second time kidnap and rape, i hadn't been waken up. i stated in my diary in "Daygram" app that i noticed some other fans might be checking my page but it was different from "knowing i was monitored". Actually, i was one of those people who didn't even bother to move their mice to like a comment, positive or negtive. I admit that i sort of became a hater to like several negtive comments in 2022 one year after first kidnap and rape out of post traumatic hatred, and took it even further to comment aggressive content and argue online with other people after second kidnap and rape in late 2022, but i remembered i really didn't go too far- for example, i only used rude languages when the previous commenters were rude; and when i was provoked to defend my bias, i was mainly doing fact checking or logic, trying to make it less personal to other idols- and i luckily managed to control myself in early 2023 BEFORE i woke up for i also loathed this side of myself. I stated in my dairy in Daygram app in early 2023, after burrying myself in cyber argument for half a year, that i found Chinese social media full of negtive energy so i had to take actions to detach myself from it- you can tell, i did this more for my own sake, not because i sensed people were checking my page. knowing what i wrote online was cared about does contribute to my behavior, but i remember even o

just another fun fact: fujian province had already aggressively been making artificial sounds of drawers on ceiling in early 2020, which could be interpreted as saying i was ugly in mandarine. However, as i mentioned above, i was one of those people who didn't even bother to move their mice to like a comment before first kidnap and rape in 2021, not to mention about appearances or looks- i was insisting on diversed beauty standards for many years so when Huang Mei sort of body shamed me in late 2019 i felt sad for i had been very self aware of my chubby limbs, so i posted PRIVATELY about her words on Wechat Moment NOT knowing i was monitored (posts of WeChat Moment'd be further explained later). Now looking back, i assume fujian at that time again transed everything to make it appear vice versa. I mentioned this not to guilt shift on Huang Mei for she did not comment very harshly or directly at that time. Just to stress on Fujian's shamelessness.

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Anybody from outside of China who has helped or is helping dispel rumours of mine is free from responsibility of whatever misfortunes i have suffered or am going to suffer. Whoever "woke me up" into realization that I'm one of the "trumen" is also free from any responsibilities for it's China's fault who should've waken me up before my mom was arranging the kidnap and rape with my relatives. Even if China threatens my life, i just want my entire life story which is nothing but unfair treatment to be known, and any people from other countries are free from any responsibilities of my death because experience of living in China is already a living hell.

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Brief introduction of the two times kidnapping/rape,

1. unlike some people think, the first kidnap and rape happened on February 3, 2021, exactly one year after covid broke out, not 2022, which means, in early 2021, my neighbors might've heard abnormal noises through the wall, but it was not from my mom, it was the very opposite that i, Hong Qinlan (洪钦兰, might known as Red Greenblue for some ppl) who was pushed down on the floor of my mom's room which is the border between neighbors' and ours, stomped down by my mom and 3 other relatives, crying my heart out.

Fun fact: in late 2020, 3 months before i was kidnapped into hospital by four of my relatives, i was waken up in midnight by my neighbor who was very likely as well waken up by annoying noise through the wall of my mom's room. But at that time, i was very on my own sleeping in my room which was far away. So it's safe to say they also applied "sound exchange" when i was raped in my mom's room in early 2021 by four of my relatives, making my neighbors think it was otherwise. Or what else could you explain why they prescribed much heavier medicines than i should take in hospital, sent my roommate to lock me out of dorm and failed me 3 courses in one semester as if the rape wasn't enough of punishment of me locking my mom out and slamming doors against neighbors?

2. i truly didn't beat or kick my mom before the first kidnapping/rape in which she along with 3 other relatives kidnapped and raped me into hospital on February 3, 2021 and even a year after it. I locked the door in late 2020 while she was out for work, for the tensions between us about the 704 issues were overwhelming, i thought it'd be better that we took a break by living separately, and when my father texted me saying it was dangerous (below👇), i really thought she'd be in her sister's which is only miles away, there's no need worrying about her safety. If i beat or kicked her, why would i do this? Making opportunity for her to tell her sister about my violent act? And when my mom went back now and then to fetch things, i was actually too afraid to come outside, and as i set in my diary (below 👇), i even urinated in my own room in a milk tea cup from takeout drinks i ordered. Is it what a mom-beater should look like? I let my mom in when winter holiday came, thinking she had nowhere to go to- not because i was afraid that people would judge, as i mentioned before, as a person who never started any fight since 10 years old, i really never ever imagined other people would think of me this way, that's one of the main reasons i feel so betrayed by every Chinese company especially OPPO because my mom and i both used OPPO's devices before and during first rape and kidnap so they actually was among very few who know my status and innocence but still arranged the second kidnapping and rape one year and a half after, and completely stop using and posting in Chinese. i also didn't know i was monitored at this point- i did this solely for her safety and convenience. When our relationship became normal, I even made drinks and Christmas card for her as recorded in my diary (below👇my mom is vegan, therefore even though i was more into dairy and coffee drinks, i made her lemonade-Americano and mulled wine in 2020's Christmas). However, i still spent most of time locking myself in my own room, avoiding meeting anybody because due to extraordinary noises upstairs, my social phobia peaked, and when my mom asked me over and over if i wanted to go see doctor through the door of my room- yes, i was that avoiding meeting her- i refused clearly and firmly.

Which means, i only locked my mom out in late 2020 and slammed the door against 704, but i already let my mom in in December as she requested, also, distracted by doing bullet journal i actually slammed the door much less frequently in early 2021 as she requested, but my mom, despite my firm rejection, still kidnapped and raped me into hospital with four of my relatives, which is a tragedy that completely ruined my life.

I never modify the content of typed diary in my phone. i admit i deleted several days' content because at that time i thought my diary caused the tragedy of kidnapping and rape, but i stopped deleting it for i truly didn't have heart to. It was my memory, my experience, and a very important part of my life. Therefore i stopped, only deleting an insignificant amount of it.

you could see i use some self-made ancronym only myself could understand. i actually feel embarrassed to post them.

Also, just by the look of my Chinese handwriting, you know my Chinese composition ability can't be bad. Actually, before i entered 11 grade, both my Chinese and English composition ability- alone or combined- remained top tier in my class where many of my classmates were accepted into top universities in our country. (11 grade at that time was when we decided whether to become a student specilizing in science or literature. I know after staying in science' side, my composition ability probably couldn't remain top among those who chose literature, not to mention among those who major in the specific field.) Fujian Province is being unreasonable for stealing all my good Chinese writing or posts to several acquaintances and still claiming i was the "集大成者", and when i was kidnapped and raped into mental hospital, they sent "何医生" to cater for me, after that they invited "金鸡百花电影节" to where i was just finished being kidnapped and raped.

3. second kidnapping and rape happened in 11/12 September 2022, only 18 months after first, while i was actually planning on going back to school. Unlike first kidnapping in which i was officially taking a gap year so my mom didn't need to argue with me about going to school at home, but in mid 2022, i just finished intership, staying in college procrastinating to write internship report when my mom went to Zhejiang asking me to go home with her on August 8, 2022. And after second time kidnapping and rape in September 2022, i never returned school because of Chinese people's shameless and overwhelming noise harassment.

4. I always refer to experience of February 3, 2021 and September 2022 as "kidnap and rape" because i wasn't simply got dragged or persuaded into a car that drove me into hospital. Before i got tighten by ropes, covered by a cloth, transferred by my mom and 3 other relatives into their car by stairs-because at this point the elevator of our apartment was half way built so my "rapists" had to lift me going through steps and that's why they cover all my body- and driven into hospital, i was suffering from being stomped and pushed down on the floor by two men and two women which, to me, was no difference than a living hell and i truly rather die than being treated this way. I truly felt like every quality that defines me as a "human" was destroyed and looked over- my dignity, my pride and my mere wish of not being raped seemed so meaningless to those rapists being pushed down on the floor. The second kidnapping and rape was quite the same. And probably because i "didn't behave" during the second rape, my mom and other "rapists" did it again the following day-see, actually it's three times rape already. I know the two times kidnap and rape isn't the same thing as true rape, but considering the number of my "rapists" and the fact that they raped me two times (or 3 times) in one year and a half, i think it's safe to say my pain and misery was beyond true rape. Actually besides the physical violence i suffered since very little even though i was objectively an excellent student and child, the noise harassment i suffered since 2020 was already above not only normal people could bear (in late 2020 i was harassed by 704 so much that i even seriously considered suicide, while at that time i hadn't been kidnapped/raped, nor reported anybody), but also all the "truemen" acquaintances have.

5. Before the two times kidnapping and rape, i truly remained quite a clean, kind and positive social media speech record through out all these years since i sighed up for first SinaWeibo account in 2011 (below is a credit rate of my SinaWeibo account). Which means, i not only stopped slamming the door against 704, letting my mom in and cooked or made drinks for her before first kidnapping and rape, but also delivered a good amount of kindness on social media and daily conversation, and by stealing all my thunder, Chinese people managed to got me into tragedy of being kidnapped and raped twice solely due to rumors. What's even ironic is that i was actually the one who self disciplined myself never to spread rumors of anybody (i made up a few lies about myself, but i never lied in significant occasions and always try not to spread rumors of others).

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Before i, Hong Qinlan(洪钦兰) was first kidnapped in February 3, 2021 in Fujian Province,

i already gained my mom's permission to take a gap year hence she didn't need to argue with me about it after i returned home on July 1, 2020, and we actually got along very normally for quite a long time;

Also, by July 2020 when i returned home, my hair grew for exactly 2 years, not to mention in the end of the 2020 to early 2021 it's been 2.5 years, reaching to my waist, until i cut them to my shoulder in March 2021 in the hospital in assistance of a nurse;

i wore gold squred glasses;

the desk of my living room filled with devices to make diary or coffee drinks;

I lived in the farest room from anybody else's in our Jinlong's home: my original room was at the edge of the whole community, which means, besides my room in sixth floor, there's either our guest room, or self-built bungalow outside of our community. And the original room is the only room among three that doesn't have closet, and it is also the smallest;

even though fujian often skips autumn, my mom and i normally started pulling out our coats in November.

But very before and after the second raping and kidnapping in September 2022,

i just returned from school in August 2022, and i was more into lemonade this time, so i transferred pounding and making procedure to the kitchen area, therefore the desk in the living room was quite clean;

I just finished internship, staying in school procrastinating in writing report when my parents went to Zhejiang, and under their persuasion, i got home on August 8, 2022. Therefore in September i was actually planning on going back to school because this time i didn't take a gap year, when my mom asked me when to go and we started arguing and fighting. And it's early autumn so both of us wore T-shirt, as a matter of fact, as i decleared above, my mom started the fight by sticking her nails into the flesh of my arm and saying things like "i want to send u again back into hospital" as if the first time kidnapping didn't do enough damage to my life as i presented, and out of extreme terror, i fought back by doing the same to her arm;

After first kidnapping and rape, my mom forced me to move out of my original room into the guest room mentioned above which is only a set of closets away from my mom's room, and is the only room among three that has a belcony, also it's in the middle of our home;

i wore a pair of black and round-shaped glasses, and due to side-effect of sight loss because of the medicine, i constantly wore them, even though not necessarily during fighting;

after regrowing my hair for only 18 months (i cut my hair in March 2021 in hospital), the length of my hair by this time had nothing campared to mid 2020, not to mention to late 2020 and early 2021 before i was kidnapped and raped into hospital; also, i cut my hair into boy-like style in October 2022, shortly after the second kidnapping and rape inside of my own home, and even though i bought a wig online i seldom wore them for i didn't need to;

Even i was extremely slow at this, after experincing this kind of violence two times, i almost completely stopped talking to my mom and even avoided meeting her as much as i could after second kidnapping. I was actually sleeping through the day and woke up in late night when my mom was in her room so that i could freely use the living room, until she decided to again rent an apartment and moved out abruptly in lunar new year on January 22, 2023, which was a shock to me at that time.

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2nd Kidnapping And "Raping"

After returning home in August 2022, i was totally torn and burned out. I was extremely slow at post-trauma coping and even realization to feel unjustified and anger and regrets, that's why when i found the first kidnapping and second raping full of pain, it was already 19 months later. By this time, I almost stopped doing anything but to drink my life away. My room was filled with rubbish from the take out food i ordered because my mom didn't allow me so i hid them in my balcony and was too trashed and wasted to throw them out.

One month later, it was in the beginning of September, i didn't go back to college in time, sitting on sofa scrolling my phone and laptop, wasting my life for i saw zero value in it. My mom came over and asked me when i planned to go back to school. I didn't say a word but deep down in heart i was screaming "Why do you bother to ask me WHEN U DIDN'T BOTHER TO RAPE ME INTO HOSPITAL!"

highlight: in June 2020, i got my mom's permission to taking a gap year through phone in campus, therefore my mom didn't have to ask me about it after i went home, as we discussed it before.

In June 2020, it was in the severest era of pandemic, I went through every procedure of taking a gap, running in the building, asking teachers for signatures. Not 2022, because after agian being raped in September 2022, i'd never left my hometown since (described in below).

My mom started pulling my arm for my answer, and that amount of touching already triggered and frightened me, for it reminded me of the kidnapping happened a year and a half ago. I fought back by pushing her hands off my arm. She wouldn't let go, her fingernails clinching into my flesh. I was threatened and in the meantime irritated, like how dare u, so i started doing the same to her by clenching my nails into her flesh of her arm-you can tell, it was summer, even though Fujian always skipped autumn-and pushing her harder.

I stayed completely silent for i was beyond disappointed by the 1st kidnapping, until my mom seemingly seriously raised that she wanted to send me into hospital again (or see the doctor, i didn't remember). Out of extreme anger and terror, like, "haven't the first time kidnapping and raping ruined my life enough? how dare you treat the so far darkest chapter of my life as nothing and your crule act as a weapon to force me into being the well behaved girl i was while you never stopped beating me!" i started shouting and pushing her harder, even slapped on her face at some point for she mentioned the hospital shit over and over again.

And i remembered i again shouted:"Have i ever beaten you before you raped me into hospital?" Even though i still didn't know i was being monitored at this point. I doing so merely was from outrageous regrets and pain.

My mom finally left. i again locked myself in my room trying to drink all my problems away. However, several days later (it was precisely stated in my take out food record that it was on 12th September- i remembered the drinks i ordered that day), i was stressed by planning on going back to school, with all ticket-booking apps remaining in my phone, when my mom gathered a bunch of people to the living room. I pushed my ear against the door and heared them talking with some noise of metal, after which my mom knocked on the door in soft voice:

"Would u want to come out? To see the doctor?"

I almost stormed out of my room in anger by her ignorance. But i knew if i went out i was definitely screwed.

They returned, the bed assembled still outside of my room. By this time, the elevator was built as well as the elevator hall and the side door at the bacony, therefore i didn't lock my mom out this time as she might have the key to the side door, or to my room. Also, i didn't know my mom raping me into hospital is because her shame of cheating on my father, i thought it was because i locked her out of our house.

They came back the next day. My mom broke into my room with a key, and again, kidnapped and raped me with another 2 women. I was again pushed down and stomped down, wishing i was immediately dead.

This time, they didn't forced me into hospital, but instead asked a doctor to inject some liquid into my vein.

I really completely gave up everything and my life. After they left, i didn't even bother to come up with a plan to lock them out, nor they mentioned they'd come back next day. The following day, my mom broke into my room with other "rapists" and me in astonishment, and again kidnapped and raped me for the third time because i was struggling and rejecting harshly.

After two week's torturing, i was too devastated to do anything. And i haven't spoken to my mom since, due to extreme anger and disappointment. Also, to avoid meeting my mom, i started locking myself in my room and slept through daytime, only woke up and came out of my room after my mom fell asleep. We actually barely met since.

highlight: in mid 2020 even if we had an argument when i asked my mom's pomission to take a gap through the phone, but when i returned home, we got along normally, as we'd reached an agreement already.

My Mom Moves Out

In early 2023, if i remembered correctly, it was precisely new year's eve in lunar calendar, my mom packed her clothes and decided to move out out of blue, and even asked me in the living room if i wanted to go with her. I, shocked to my very core for she never mentioned this before, of course said no, it was freaking new year's eve! Why would somebody suddenly want to move out with you! In new year's eve!

But i was actually happy that she moved out for i had freedom to do whatever i wanted. I, this time, remembered to lock all the door, but my mom came back now and then to fetch stuff after asking me in advance through message because i always slept through daytime as mentioned earlier.

Anyway, i can confidently guarantee that after the second time kidnapping (and third time the following day) i was way too disappointed in this relationship with my mom that i completely stopped talking to her and avoid meeting her as much as i could , not to mention i locked myself in my room, sleeping in the day time and waking up after my mom fell asleep.

The Desk

This is a photo of my home taken in 2021 right before the 1st raping, the desk in the living room was filled with devices that i used to weigh and make drinks, most of which were dairy or coffee drinks.

But in 2022, through out the whole year i was more obsessed with lemonade drinks, so i moved all my drink making process into the kitchen area, for i constantly needed to reach out to ice and lemon pounding, and frequently exposed myself to running water. Nevertheless, as i was in a cold fight since the second raping, i actually spent most time in my own room, so the desk in the living room remained quite empty.

But in 2020, as i mentioned earlier, my mom and i actually got along normally during my gap year, therefore i freely put anything i needed on the desk in my convience as the photo showed.

The Hair

As i mentioned in last post, my hair growing from 2018's summer till early 2021, it was reaching to my waist.

After cutting them in hospital in 2021's spring (i checked my photo, it was almost the same length as 2018's summer) and regrowing them for 18 months to September 2022 right before i was again kidnapped, my hair was around my ribs. Nevertheless, i cut my hair very short merely a month-October 2022- after 2nd kidnapping. Below is a photo taken on the day i cut my hair into boy-like length in October. Even though i bought a wig online but it was for back-2-school preparation, i barely wore them in my home area for i didn't have to see any people besides mom.

The Glasses

As i mentioned in last post, i wore a pair of golden/yellow colored and square shaped glasses from 2019's spring to early 2021. But i seldom wore them.

After being discharged from hospital in April 1st, 2021, i soon bought a round shaped and black colored pair which is very common to wear in China dispite gender and age difference. I wore it through out the second and third kidnapping in September 2022 and many months after.

Why the Second Kidnapping Was Unavoidable

As i said in other posts, i was already raped by grandfather in his rural house when i was 2 years old when my cousin brother was born and other people went to the hospital.

But probably because i mistook the pain from behind in my private part as doctors and nurses did in hospital since i was too little, they, after dragging me into river to either kill me soonly after the raping or making opportunity for my uncle, the cousin brother's father to save my life to make it even, even my cousin brother mentioned above was also raped or sexually abused (or not, because of their "transgender" thing i don't know if it's true) by our grandfather, they shamelessly blamed it on me.

Therefore, even though i was excellent and extraordinary in young age, i was often offered with consolation prize, while my cousin brother who stole my creation, essays or kind comments and thoughts was provided with "first prize", even though he was only good at math.

In mid 2018, when i saw a video where a young woman was raped in public area in countryside on social media, out of anger, i DM'ed the author if i could repost the video to twitter for futher help with the lady. But after that, i couldn't logged into my account any more.

And probably because of this, many people knew that i was also raped besides my cousin brother, hence the first kidnapping on February 3, 2021, which, in my opinion was no difference to raping already. By doing so, China and Fujian convinced others that i being raped when little was pure rumor, or that i did something terrible to my mom during the gap year in 2020.

But probably because the news of me being kidnapped and raped was unavoidably leaked shortly after i was discharged from hospital, they, even though i wasn't planning on telling anybody for i was extremely slow at trauma-coping and even realization to feel unjustified and regrets, sent one of my roommates to lock me out of dorm and failed me 3 courses in one semester, treating me as if the raping and kidnapping never happened even though i already thought about suicide thousands of time, and they was doing so only to punish me according to the rumor that i was beating or kicking my mom during the gap year.

Therefore, even though the fighting in the living room in 2022 never happened, the second time kidnapping and raping was unavoidable, to cover the first time raping when little, and second time raping in early 2021, because this time when the third time raping happened, it was near the end of covid when many countries stopped wearing masks, therefore i wasn't lost in contact with world outside of China.

[pridelost]

My mom became a Buddhist and vegetarian in roughly 2005 when i was first grade, after she beat me in public once in the same year when i was in kindergarten. And she never stopped beating me until i was a 5th grader in 2009, and the SM Square event happened in 2008.

Which means, being a Buddhist and vegetarian didn't stop her from beating me at all.

No offense to other Buddhists, just saying never judge a book by its cover.

Also shortly after she became a Buddhist and vegetarian, she introduced her younger sister Guo Ruilin and her family to Buddhism, who many assume was my mom.

Also, even though when i was beaten by my father i revenged by scratching and kicking him, but when my mom beat me, i never had heart to fight back, probably because she in the meantime shouted things like "my beating u is for your own goods" or "when i beat u, i felt pain in my heart", and often beating me with tears in her eyes, even though now looking back, she was only doing so as an exit of her shame of cheating with my father's elderly brother, for i was a very quiet and well behaved girl not only in school but also everywhere outside of grandparents' country house (or, perhaps in many people's eyes, Guo Haixin's place).

All i wanna say is, my mom kidnapping and raping me into hospital in early 2021 without me beating or kicking her at all is totally possible, for Chinese already planned to raped me therefore started using her shame to provoke her.

Also, don't blame me for being rude or inconsiderate to my mom now, if you got raped and kidnapped by your mom two times, you'll understand.

[pridelost]

First Kidnapping Happened On February 3, 2021

Fun fact before reading: as i described in my handwritten diary i kept in late 2020, one day when i was sleeping alone in my room, i was waken up at midnight (1:20am as recorded in my diary app) hearing an old lady knocking on my door and scolding. It was the neighbor(but i thought at that time it was 704 living upstairs). But by that time i was actually alone in my room which is very far away from my mom's or anyone else's room, and my mom wasn't even at home that night.

Below is the handwritten diary of late 2020- or you can say is just several sheets of paper overlapping without binders or staplers served as a temporary diary book while i was waiting for new notebook to arrive- which i just went through several months ago in mid 2024, it stated the date and more details of the mid-night-wake-up incident mentioned above, but never stated that i beat or kicked my mom (meanwhile, in 2022, one year after the first kidnap and rape, in my diary app i honestly set down every time i revenged by having fights with mom). Now, end of 2024, I can't find it anywhere in my house, just for the record.

Two months later, to be exact, February 3, 2021, i went to the toilet besides my mom's room, thinking it was another uneventful day. But right after i got out of the bathroom, my mom along with her younger sister, Guo Ruilin, catched and tried to tighten me with ropes from behind. I nearly got rid of them before my mom called two of my uncles waiting outside of my house. And i was pushed, stomped and, you can say, "raped" on the floor of my mom's room which was also only a thin wall away from my neighbors' by two grown man and two women. Struggling on the floor, covered in tears all over my face, I wished i died immediately to free me from this kind of torture. I begged my mom to release me, "i promise i will never lock you out and slam the door against 704 again! I promise I'll behave since! Please don't do this to me!" I cried and yelled before my mom taped my mouth shut. By this time, i truely didn't know rumours about me beating my mom was already spreaded out, nor i was monitored.

After i

After suviving kidnapping and raping by mom, i thought my life couldn't be worse.

In the hospital, with cameras everywhere, i tried to behave well and act happily hoping they'd discharge me sooner, because i was naive and stupid enough to think they trapping me in this kind of place for 2 months and prescribing me with heavy medicines was for my depression.

I encountered people with true mental illnesses. Even though i tried to differ from them, but deep down i was afraid my life would completely changed by this extraordinary experience. I also thought about suicide. But because all means to suicide i could came up with was unpractical for me- too scared of height to jump out of window, too slow for all my blood running out of my veins if i cut them, and too painful and not effective to use sleeping medicines- i decided in my head, to die, or to completely leave Fujian where i was raped ugly.

Waiting dreadly, counting days that passed, i finally got discharged from hospital on exactly Fool's Day, April 1st, 2021. But i didn't found the date referring to the 4 "rapists" stomping me in front of me, just thought the number was funny.

They Applied "Sound Exchange" Technology and Treated Me As If The Kidnapping/Raping Was The Exact Opposite

Because i was sorta slow on trauma coping and even realization to feel unjustified and regrets, i actually forgave my mom easily, and never thought about telling them out at this point. But i didn't know the worst part was yet to come.

After returning to school in mid 2021, they sent one of my roomates to lock me out of my dormitory and i failed 3 courses in one semester, during which i gradually developed a sense of post-trauma hatred towards my mom, especially when it occurred to me that, instead of expressing sorry or guilty, my mom literally delivered a smile on her face while pushing, stomping and raping me on the floor.

When I returned home in early 2022, it was almost a year after the first kidnap. Exhausted and torn, i asked my mom in devastation why she did such terrible things to me, and even with a careless smile on her face. And i remember clearly that it happened to be in the bathroom which was also the "border" between our neighbors and us that i demanded sorry from my mom, and she didn't. Out of extreme anger and regrets, i kicked her from the back- yes, since she kidnapped and raped me into hospital, she'd never apologized for her terrible behavior. Never. On the day of first kidnapping and rape into hospital, my mom even called another two of my relatives to come - not helping anyways, just to see me suffer when i was at my lowest and worst- i even hit my head on the chair in the waiting room wishing i could die immediately to free me from this kind of humiliation, and my mom showed nothing but indifference, which also caused enough of misunderstanding between me and those rapists relatives who i haven't met for years. In hospital, i finally got a chance to call my mom, the first word she said through the phone was colder than ice, as if it was me who did the terrible thing of rape and kidnap. She only apologized for taking two of my rapists to see me after i was discharged from hospital, but for the rape itself, never.

I was mostly yelling my heart out at this point, crying and asking what made you think i deserved this kind of treatment.

I remembered clearly, i even asked her hysterically:

"HAVE I EVER BEATEN YOU, even if you started beating me when i was little?" And my mom said no, but still apologized in a manner i thought she was rolling her eyes on me in the mean time. Therefore i kept yelling until i got the apology i assumed was sincere. At this point, it was almost a year after the first time kidnapping, and i didn't think too much, even though sometimes when i showered i could hear the sound of flushing from my neighbors.

But what they actually did was beyond terrible than i coud ever come up with.

In early 2021, when i was raped on the floor of my mom's room, my neighbors next door might've heard abnormal noises, but they exchanged the sound of me crying and begging for help for, i guess, sound of women arguing or fighting, which was the very opposite of what actually was going on. That is probably why after i was sent to the hospital they treated me like a mother beater- heavy drugs to let my limbs slow in function, locking me out of my dormitory, and failing me 3 courses in fall semester of 2021, as if raping and kidnapping me into hospital wasn't enough punishment for locking my mom out in late 2020 and slamming door against 704.

And again, in early 2022, as i mentioned above, i argued with my mom about the first kidnapping in the bathroom which was also a "borderline" between us and neighbors, they again used "sound exchange" to let neighbors think i was raped and kidnapped at this point but i was not.

First Kidnapping Was A Total Scheme

Since i moved in Jinlong in October 2016 (my mom moved in before i did), i nearly never sensed the existence of upstairs 704 for they kept extremely quiet, but in early 2020 covid broke out and everybody was kind of avoided meeting anybody else, while 704 was busying mending their floor.

Before i was first kidnapped, i got my mom's permission to take a gap year in mid 2020, only several months after the Covid 19 broke out, so everything during that span of time was different: unfrequented train station, people wearing masks everywhere.

I got home in Fujian on exactly July 1, 2020, while all my former classmates of Biology major out for internship on an island in Zhejiang.

While i rested in my room, i wasn't totally carefree as i presented, deep down i was worried about my college life. i thought i could freely spend some time watching videos and then gradually started studying preparing for school during this time, 704 who lived upstairs started making disturbing and troubling noises even in late night.

I remembered one night in August, it was almost 2 am in the morning, i was scrolling my phone in my room, 704 slammed the door heavily. i looked up wondering why the old people upstairs stayed up so late, and it was at this point, i heard noises of high heels walking around over my ceiling.

Maybe it was a compensation of my stolen thunder, i wasn't encountered any type of noise harassment until early 2020 when covid broke out, everybody was home and 704 upstairs started mending their floor. But i wasn't troubled for it didn't sound personally. But when i was home mid 2020 taking a gap year, they slammed doors and walked in high heels only above my room from early morning til late night.

After disturbed for a whole summer, if i wasn't wrong, it was on exactly September 7, 2020 i finally suffered enough and shouted to 704 in my belcony asking them to be quiet. I confess i was driven by impulse, but imagine this:

You are always deciplined yourself to be quiet and not in anybody's way. You are the type of person who always keep your place clean and when you asked people for anything you say "sorry to bother you" instead of "thank you" several times and hope to pay back as soon as possible. But in the fall semester of sophomore year, almost all of your roommates start making careless noises only when you're on bed even though on the first day of college it was you who suggested everybody be quiet if anybody's on bed and it actually contributing to the temporary peace of your dormitory life but you are the only one who don't get the advantage of the rule you made. And since you moved in in 2016, you try to keep yourself quiet when closing the door- not all for neighbors' sake, but you were suffering from depression and your brain told you to be quiet and you developed a habit of putting everything down quietly since.

After the belcony shouting, i knew in my heart i was kind of out of line, but my mom was out for work and i really thought many other people were also out during afternoon therefore the mere shouting in my belcony wasn't much of an embarrassment for them. 704 remained the same way, even i sent my mom as a representative of peace to reach out to them, only to find there were only an old couple wearing sleepers promising it was not them.

I finally started slamming the door against 704 but i still remained my integrity and stopped doing it when it was too early or too late. By the end of the year, i developed severe social phobia and depression,

This is the pair of glasses i bought in the spring of 2019 in my fresh year. They have squares as the shape and golden/yellow as the color which is very rare for women in my age to wear in China.

I was inspired by my favorite anime, Tennis Prince's character, the captain called 手塚 who wears a squared and silver pair.

But i wasn't very accustomed to wearing them for i never had them before. So i have to admit that i seldom wore them before i accidentally sat on and broke them utterly in early 2021. This is 2 photos of me wearing them in doing stretching activities in January 2020.

I was kidnapped and raped into hospital by my mom and 3 other relatives on February 3, 2021. After i finally got discharged from hospital on April 1, 2021, my mom kind of forced me to move out to Jiaomei, a nearby town. I asked my mom about my glasses, my mom said it was already broken and offered to buy a new pair.

I ordered a pair of glasses online and bought the lences in nearby glassshop in Jiaomei with my mom shortly after April 1. This time i chose a round shaped and black colored pair like many other girls in college.

There's a photo where i wore them shortly after i bought them on April 16, 2021 in my new room in Jiaomei. I even took a photo of my new desk with them.

There's another photo of me wearing them in white sweater back in my home in early 2022, and one in light pink coat back to school later. You can tell my hair wasn't very long at this point, only around the middle of my ribs.

Before i was raped into hospital on February 3, 2021, i never cut any length of my hair since 2018 when i decided to grow long hair to welcome my college life, so my hair grew so long in that 3 years that in hospital i had to cut them in assistance of a nurse. And this is a photo taken in early 2021 in a grey coat. You can tell my hair was already around-my-waist long in early 2021 before i was raped and kidnapped, much longer than those taken in 2022.

When sent to the hospital, my mom called another two relatives, not really helping anyways, but to see me suffer, and to be a cheerleader of my mom's behavior. I was ashamed and desperate to death and had suicidal attempts in the waiting room beating my head on the chair, which was not for sympathy or attention.

As i described in my confession in group chat, only when you were the type of persons who beat people, would you consider other people doing so. When i moved into the house we bought in 2016, i always heard the boy downstairs in 504 shouting and slamming his door against his parents yet i never thought of them having a fight. I thought it was another person like me having post-teenage problems. When i reposted a video of a man beating his wife to Wechat Moment set as "only seen by my mom", i truely never ever thought of my father doing the same to my mom before. And that is why i felt extremely insulted and betrayed because even my most frequently used social media platforms in china also help spread those rumor since i haven't started any fights since 2008 and displined myself to not spread rumor of anybody. So it is very very necessary that fujian and Chinese gov, convinceing themselves that i must've developed a tendency to violence since the 2008 SM Square event, raped and kidnapped me into hospital and prescribed heavy drugs to weaken my body in 2021.

I remembered i saw a post in Douban around the time i was raped in early 2021, saying a doctor after seeing wounds over a pregnant woman asked her if she was suffered from domestic violence. And i truly felt sorry but in the same time happy for the woman for how considerate the doctor is. So it is very hypocrite of me feeling sorry for the lady but in the mean time beat, or in some people's narration, kicked and tortured my mom in my room.