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Himalayan Monal (Lophophorus impejanus), male, family Phasianidae, northern India

Photograph by Ajit Hota

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After shoving Hansel in the oven, the witch turns to Gretel - who is currently fending the witch off with a gingerbread chair - and says:

“I can’t believe you thought a trail of breadcrumbs would save you. I mean, honestly, this is a forest! It’s full of animals. Honestly, the very idea that a dumb shit like you thought you could get the better of me is absurd.”

Gretel hits her in the face with said chair. To be fair to the witch, she takes the chairshot like a champ.

“Ow!”

“Did you know,” says Gretel, “that crows are capable of facial recognition?”

“Eh?” Says the witch, clambering to her feet and pulling a candy cane sledgehammer off the wall. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Not only that,” Gretel continues, “but they can remember both friends and enemies. And they’ll often follow people they remember as friends.”

The two fence with their sugared weapons for a moment, before the witch knocks the chair out of Gretel’s hands.

“Enough with the bird facts! Honestly, this whole attempted escape has been utter clownshoes. Get in the fucking oven!”

She seizes Gretel by the collar. Gretel immediately sandbags, letting her whole body go limp. This eminently practical defense forces the witch to try and deadlift her. Which is hard, as the witch often skips leg day.

“For example,” Gretel says, as the witch struggles and grunts, “if you feed crows a lot of breadcrumbs, they’ll probably start to see you as a friend and follow you in the hope of more food.”

The witch stops. Outside, she hears the thunder of wings.

“They’ll even bring you shiny things they find as presents!” Says Gretel, as a corner of the gingerbread ceiling is suddenly cut away by a large crow with a knife in its mouth.

“Oh shitballs.” Says the witch, as the crows descend. “I hope you know this is a great unkindness.”

“Technically,” Says Gretel, “It’s a murder.”

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Pero buatefack

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If you're in Australia you'll already know this, but for our international readers, basically the whole of Australia ground to a halt today because one of our two mobile/internet networks - Optus - just completely shat its dacks for about 9 hours, taking out the country's phones, internet and banking.

The funniest part though, is that apparently when the national broadcaster tried to reach out to find out what was going on - they discovered the quite forseeable problem that everyone at Optus used Optus for their phone and internet, so there was basically no way for their company to contact anyone inside or outside the company to work out what was going on or to try and fix it.

What a country.

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1972: While giving a speech, Prime Minister Gough Whitlam is repeatedly asked by a heckler for his stance on abortion. Frustrated he finally replies "Let me make it quite clear that I am for abortion, and in your case sir we should make it retrospective."

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there will never be a time where i won’t reblog this once it comes across my dash.

they teach you about art in school, but they could’ve never prepared you for this.

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Aditya, I am sorry to say not a single woman with a doctorate will want YOU, let alone one with a Nobel prize.

And I am happy to say that the men who DO have a wife with doctorate and Nobel prize are much more secure in their masculinity to not be scared of a woman achieving anything in her life.

Those men are lazy and pathetic IMHO

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T-shirt that says "I survived the 2023 Barbenheimer marketing wave without watching either movie"