just a shy person who needs a place to talk about these things. he/him
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It feels like my roommate and i just keep arguing over everything lately.
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Getting tired of feeling like my roommate's parent. I know they regress and that's fine, but it feels like it even when they arent regressed a lot of the time.
#ik they mean no harm by anything#and I'm not like mad at them#just tired and admittedly a little bit frustrated from being so tired.#they don't see how badly they need the therapy program they wanna quit after 1 session.#i don't have the ability to help them through their anxiety and mental health issues#but this is their first time properly officially living on their own#and we are very poor#its a big adjustment for them#and they rely on me since they know me best.#but I need them to learn to rely on others too. i can't do all this#i'm so tired.
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Its so weird having a home again after everything the past 2 months.
I feel like I'm a scared rescue animal constantly having to remind myself that I'm safe here. It feels so weird.
#trying to relax and unpack and stuff#just feels so weird being in my own apartment with my best friend#i dont have to worry or be scared#i'm not constantly failing#I can breathe#but my body is still learning that#I don't have a deadline like I did#i have actual support now#just breathe#i think I need to stay home instead of going to Easter with my bffs family.#i think having the time to ground myself here might be needed
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I've been so fucking anxious lately that I'm having constant heart palpitations and even some chest/heart pain. I'm trying so hard not to spiral but I can fucking feel it happening.
Its getting harder and fucking harder to convince myself that I'm not being kicked out *again* by the person who fucking rescued me the last time, who promised I would never be homeless.
I have less than 30 fucking days to get all my shit packed and get the fuck out so they can house his gf's uncle who they don't even seem to want over. How the fuck else am I supposed to take it other than I royally fucked up somewhere to the point that even he doesn't want me here anymore?
They just want me gone so they can fucking move to BC and never think about everyone here ever again. I was never family. I'm just a leech in their basement, who happens to be paying more than he can afford to live here.
I just wish the fucking housing market would fucking collapse in on itself already so I could fucking afford to live. I can't spend longer than 5 minutes looking at listings without fucking sliding into a goddamned panic attack.
Fuck I miss the stability of living with my mom. I fucking hate that all my immediate family lives eons fucking away. I miss my family. I can't stand the thought of living so far away from my friends and partner though.
I also can't stand the thought of rooming with people I don't know again. I can't do it. I dont know how clean they woukd be, how safe, how respectful. I can't wake up to slurs at 2am again. I can't do that. My mental health was so fucking terrible at that place.
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i know its been very jokey on here re: plurality but i really must stress that this is a fucking terrifying disorder to discover and navigate and i really seriously wish i didn't have it
#this is really relateable for me#I have strong OCD. when my system was at it's more active times I literally could not distinguish OCD from what was actually happening.#it drove my headmates insane#it didn't help that the people around us thought we were posessed#gods there were so many system resets#it helped when I started learning to manage my OCD. even more when I found medication that worked.#but fuck. it's so difficult#we were lucky in that we didn't have amnesia. or at least not complete blackouts. just details and emotions were lost if anything#but the ocd made it feel like I couldn't trust anything.#I'm sorry you're going through this op#it really is stressful and scary and so fucking hard to navigate.#you aren't alone though.#and it will get better as time goes on.#my system has been having a very quiet peaceful period. it's been over a year since there was anybody but myself in my headspace.#I have friends who know my history and they love and support me.#I know how to manage things within myself better now.#integration was never my system's goal#so if I have headmates again in the future I won't mind much.#and if y'all want integration or functional multiplicity then I wish you all the best no matter what.#just know that it does get better. it does get easier#You're all gonna make it through just fine. 馃珎馃崁
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Me reading yet another thread of folks who got top surgery who are, as always, not allowed to directly say that they're unhappy with the results or say anything too negative about the surgeon without a terf saying this is why they're "actually womben" or someone else popping in saying, 'Well MY surgery with _____ went perfectly and you should be thankful that you got top surgery at all!"
#me with T#except its half this and half being scared of discouraging folks who would benefit from it#i guess I'm happy with some of it now that I know I'm genderfluid and not just transmasc#but still it did NOT react normally with my body at all and never gave me the effect I started taking it for (stopping periods)#i didnt even know that that COULD happen even though I did my best to study it for years beforehand to decide if I even wanted it#thank gods it didnt give me those cramps some guys get#or it would have been super dangerous if not deadly to me at the time#but yeah.#it did wonders for my fatigue and temperature issues and chronic pain.#i even gained weight for the first time ever which was magical#but no matter what dose I had my body only ever responded like I was microdosing#my voice never fully changed. which I'm happy for today cus I have both a low and high range#but I'm also super insecure. I've been told it sounds like my voice is eternally cracking.#i had to relearn how to sing. but I still can and do and I'm proud of my singing voice through my insecurity.#anyways#this is probably kinda incoherant. I just woke up.#i just... wanted to rant I guess.#I wouldnt have changed anything. i would still have gone on T#but I gotta grieve that experience too.#i despise the body hair. i wish I could have it removed like transwomen do but no way in hell could I afford it#im not on T anymore btw#i was on it for a few years though.
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Tfw your partner is so vulnerable with you and you can feel it and all you wanna do is hold them gently like a mother and say "you're good, your soul is good, you are safe" until they can believe it.
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I find it endlessly fascinating that most humans just want someone who will get up in the middle of the night to close the windows with them when it starts down pouring. We want someone to dry our dishes after we wash them. We just want another person to do mundane activities with. We want to tell someone how the copy machine broke at work and we want to listen to how Debra is causing office drama again. We just want something so simple. We want human connection and honesty and to be bored with someone else instead of bored alone.聽
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A boy who really knows you, knows your favorite band, your favorite song(s). Knows what to do when you start to get overwhelmed, sees the signs you鈥檙e getting to that point, helps you verbalize your feelings when you aren鈥檛 capable of it. Being known is truly being loved
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it鈥檚 all fun and games until i get called a pet name and suddenly i can鈥檛 think anymore
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Desperately gritting my teeth trying to remind myself I'm not supposed to be a therapist to my friends. I'm supposed to be a friend, not a therapist friend.
#fucking exhausted.#trying to remind myself its not my job to fix them!#especially if they wont FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.#I am not a therapist! I am an exhausted nerd who just wants to fucking vibe and not try to teach life lessons CONSTANTLY
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Met a really pretty and charming guy through a dating app. We've been talking for about two days. I really fucking like him.
But I'm also and anxious mess who just went through a terrible break up and I had a panic attack while I was talking with him yesterday where he seemed to pull away a tad afterwards.
And now I'm freaking tf out because I know it was bad to panic like that and I'm way too attached way too soon and I just. ugh. I really don't want to lose this guy, I really want to be friends and get to know him.
But I also know the more desperate I am the more I will drive him away. WHICH IS SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO BALANCE. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. AAA脌HHHHHH.
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even though you left, i still deserve love and loyalty. i鈥檓 still worthy of those things despite you not being able to provide them for me.
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you came back wrong and i am racked with guilt because i cannot bear to see you like this and i should have let you rest. i loved you so much that i defied death itself but i do not think either of us are happy
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you won't be alone forever, there are people out there waiting for you. You're gonna meet people who make you realize just how special and amazing you are.
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He used to compare me to sunshine. He used to look at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
Now he can barely stand to be in the same call as me. He can barely even bring himself to agree with me on anything, even small things.
I miss him so much.
#break up.#god it hurts so fucking bad.#the person who made me feel so loved can't fucking stand to be around me.#my heart hurts so bad.#i'm trying so fucking hard not to be selfish. i'm trying so hard to give him his space. but holy fuck.#it hurts so bad to be shut out like this.#it hurts so so bad.
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