protagonistintraining

[protagonistintraining]

september, 2023

saint petersburg

[protagonistintraining]

Please don’t say: I discovered there is still a large part of me that is alive. No, my darling! You are entirely alive. It’s just that you’ve lived an irrational life, a life that doesn’t resemble you.

— Clarice Lispector, from a letter to Tânia Kaufmann wr. c. January 1948 

[protagonistintraining]

Vivian Maier

[protagonistintraining]

Normal People (2020)

[protagonistintraining]

22 Jan

Today we spoke for two and a half hours and I pictured a new life. Maybe one where we weren't dating men with the emotional range of a lettuce. Where I drink coffee from a french press in the morning and you roll happy little joints for us in the evening. Where 'how was your day' sounds sincere and I might learn to cook. Where I can keep a fraction of a home and, in turn, let it keep me.

[protagonistintraining]

21 Jan

Today I cancelled on my nan and today was yesterday. I lost more time and self and swore never to do it again. I hate this feeling of guilt, recording my joy wrapped up in someone else, so I end this note here.

[protagonistintraining]

by Li Shen

[protagonistintraining]

20 Jan

Today I reacquanited with 6am and greeted sunrise wtih Mr Darcy. I caught up with a friend of 19 years and took a photo we could look at in 40 years time. I ate little and moved more and filled the rest with wine. I smiled at those who haven't known life for more than a year and finished book two of 2024. I teased a rom-com meet cute and debated nostalgia's detriments with my other half. I inhaled popcorn chicken and shook with cold in a too-warm winter night. A bump of coke and The Stone Roses blares from my record player. I doused myself in perfume for a man that's kissed my morning breath and caught my own over debates around nostalgia. We agreed fancy dress plans and a commitment to meeting more family come Sunday. I dare say I'm happy and begrudge my solo soul doubting anything ever.

[protagonistintraining]

by {Laura McGregor}

[protagonistintraining]

19 Jan

Today I realised I missed two pills and bled through my joggers. I started working from bed and kept the curtains drawn long until mid-morning. I put on a little tight dress, with tights, and still felt good. I flitted between worrying about the future of my job and revelling in the freedom that'll come when it ends. Almost everyone I spoke to today was through a screen. I lingered online, counting down until 6, staring aimlessly at traffic and shop signs. I realised only an hour ago I had my book with me the whole time. I bought sanitary towels and a woman chuckled telling me she didn't miss dealing with that. I realised I hadn't thought about him at all today, and then just did. I cried over 12 Years a Slave and felt guilty I didn't cry harder. I checked train times for the next two days and made it feel like Monday. I reminded myself I'm in a relationship and wondered why I forgot.

[protagonistintraining]

[protagonistintraining]

18 Jan

Today I ate two boxes of chocolates and chugged nicotine like water. I binged CUT videos and played some 2011 Tyler, The Creator. I thought about masturbating but didn't. I thought about my boyfriend, then I didn't. I was underwhelmed by my Spotify daylist and shared a bacon sandwich on my Instagram story. I took a too-long lunch break and spoke to my housemate about sex drives. I imagined curb-stomping my other housemate or putting a dead mouse in her shoe. I pondered over moving to Brighton while reading an email about a job in Hoxton. I walked 814 steps today and squeezed my thighs and gut for it. I worried about about my knees and wondered if it's the cold again. I thought about being 30 and how old is too old for gigs in Paris. I didn't finish the book I wanted to but I didn't commute, so it's fine. I had a kind thought about myself and then continued doom-scrolling, and forgot. I read old pain and didn't recognise her. I'm worried about a lump on my nose and getting up tomorrow.

[protagonistintraining]

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

— Carl Rogers

[protagonistintraining]

[protagonistintraining]

“Literature is the most agreeable way of ignoring life.” ― Fernando Pessoa.

[protagonistintraining]

By Li Shen

[protagonistintraining]

grian chatten by pooneh ghana