prozacpress

[prozacpress]

These are a few of the most frustrating things

As hard as I believe this #ttc journey is for my husband, and all non-baby carrying partners out there...there are parts of this journey that I feel like I carry the burden of completely solo.

For example, during that lovely time frame know as the TWW (which I'm sure we all have a love/hate relationship with) my husband's job is done, and he just waits for me to inform him of the arrival of dreaded CD #1. But for me...thay TWW is HELL. Every little twinge i feel, every little new feeling in my body gets analyzed and re-analyzed and googled for a couple hours. Is it a PMS symptom? Is it a pregnancy symptom?! It is enough to drive a girl mad.

And don't even get me started on the internal speculation! As much as I try to control the crazy, I inevitably convince myself somehow that the little tweak I felt 3 days ago was definitely something and this has gotta be the month. Even though my rationale mind tries to talk me down, and say no, that happens every month, nothing new is happening here we have no evidence to think this month will be ANY different from the last however many...i can't prevent that small bit of hope from planting and growing. It only grows slightly but it's there.

And that makes it all the more frustrating and heart breaking when I have to start the cycle all over again. No matter how much I try to stay realistic and just wait and not let the hope bloom, I can't stop it. And I get let down every. Single. Time.

Anyway, I'm at CD26 and all signs point to the same ol shit so i should start spotting tomorrow and then AF on Wednesday. My appointment didn't go so well, as the doc essentially didn't want to do any testing yet since it hasn't been a year since my miscarriage. Sooo....i have no answers and am just frustrated.

Frustrated that I keep getting my hopes up even though I KNOW I'm not pregnant (why, brain? Why?!) Frustrated that I'm in the same spot even though i took that step to get the ball rolling. That was hard for me to admit that somethings wrong and we need help. But I did it and I got nada. I'm frustrated that of all the times, the end of January was a WEALTH of pregnancy and baby news amongst my friends and coworkers.

And this week is gonna be a tough one. As luck would have it, I'm scheduled to get my period on the due date of our miscarried baby. If that just isn't poetic and dismal.

Alas...we will carry on and try, try again. But it's getting harder and harder to do that each month.

[prozacpress]

Tomorrow's the day...

My first appointment to try to figure out what's going on is tomorrow!

I am really excited and anxious and nervous. Ready to get this ball rolling but nervous of what we will find out.

Being the type a person I am, I have overly prepared. I wrote down EVERYTHING that has happened cycle wise over the last year for the doc. I made a chart, y'all. My doctor is gonna think I am craaazy and just tell me my problem is too much stress and just relax!

But I just don't want to forget to mention anything.

So here we go...the 2nd half of this journey is beginning! Wish me luck guys...updates to come!

[prozacpress]

This girl! Whenever I need a cuddle or some love, she is never far behind. She makes tough days much better.

[prozacpress]

This.

It is important to visit that place inside of you

Where spirits dance with the strings of your soul.

Connecting your heart back to the places where your thoughts got lost.

No fear lies here

No hate lies here

This is where you will breakdown

This is where you will rise up

This is where you will find hope

This is where you will find answers

Visit this place.

Again and Again.

For it is here where the sun meets the moon, kindling sparks only your two eyes can see

It is here where the stars find comfort in the depths of the sky.

It is here where you will find the most beautiful thing….

Yourself.

[prozacpress]

Every damn time!

Wow y'all...the pregnancy announcements are just ROLLING IN these days. Can't open FB or Insta without one lurking to rub my face in it.

And I also got an invite to a baby shower next weekend. I can't decide if I want to go, if I CAN go. How do you all feel with "the news" and being around other new mom's??

[prozacpress]

This may help

Well…I guess I am officially back to writing. Or at least trying, we’ll see how dusting off the keys goes.

Why am I back? Where have I been? You wouldn’t have missed me, as my writing previously only existed in my teenage journals and, for a brief stint, on the ancient relic that was MySpace (How great was MySpace?! It can’t just be me…right?).

Now it has been years since my feelings and thoughts have wanted to come out in word form. My hiatus was due to a simple phenomenon: I was happy.

Now, I am STILL generally happy. I have a great career. I married an amazing man who treats me wonderfully. And dammit if we don’t have the cutest family of animals that would solicit a unicorn punch from Dolores Umbridge herself. I have all that, so of course, I am happy!

But emotion drives my writing. And emotion is what is now resurfacing, rearing it’s familiar head in a new, unfamiliar way.

So let’s start with: expectations. Now I have moved to a city that is FULL of expectations for women to be Holly Homemaker with children and undying servitude to your husband. And when I moved here I always said FUCK no, that isn’t me. I am in a partnership, I will have kids if and when we want to, and screw all those “societal expectations” of a woman because I am strong, independent, and devoting my life to helping others in my CAREER because I didn’t spend 8 years in college and 2 years of post-grad training to sit at home cleaning up and changing diapers. Now here I am, 30 years old with a powerful, meaningful career and all hell has broken loose. I want a baby. Now. And no one is more surprised than me at how badly I want that. ‘

The main reason no one is more surprised is because no one else knows. Except my husband, obvi. He kinda had to be in on this one. Why does no one know? Because I wanted to make it a huge moment and surprise everyone with HEY!!! We’re having the most perfect baby and isn’t that great news?! The month we started trying, I even bought a cute announcement bandana for our dog to tell my husband when I got that first positive test, thinking I should order it now because it’s going to happen in a couple weeks I better be prepared! I naively believed all of those middle and high school sex ed talks that “If you have unprotected sex, you WILL get pregnant!”

But it’s been about a year. And there is no baby in sight. Instead there’s a miscarriage, a whole lot of tears, unanswered questions, and those damn expectations.

My expectations that this would be easy for us, for me. I’ve been extremely lucky and my life has been pretty easy. Yes, I’ve worked hard to get where I am, but that’s controllable. Now I am in a situation where I am not good at something, and I can’t do anything about it, and it’s driving me crazy. Why? Because I am feeling those societal expectations that I should have a family by now. That I shouldn’t have had a miscarriage. That I shouldn’t be struggling with this.

Why? Why do I feel like that? I know damn well I am not alone in these issues. But there it is. All I can think about is “what would people say if they knew”

I hate that I am THAT girl now. Caring so much about what people are going to think and say. I can’t help but let my mind go there.

All I can say is I am amazed at the women who have struggled through this type of thing with a strong and positive attitude. Because it’s an emotional train wreck and you need some tits of steel to come out the other side. I am hoping I have what it takes.

The testing will begin next week, and I am hoping for a simple battle, but am trying to prepare for a long war.

I remember one of the last things I wrote on my MySpace page (which surely is archived in historical glory at this point) about surviving.

"As I started to picture the tress in a storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don’t try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break. ”

So just like I said 10 years ago, I guess it’s time to let go, and bend with this storm.