psycheofchaos

[psycheofchaos]

so much of being in denial.

c

I don't know how I will start this--- WHERE will I start this. I guess let's start this with what we talked about nung nagka-ayos tayo after ng open house, I think? You told me, if I remember correctly na, "wala akong pakialam kung straight ka.." "ruler nga nabebend eh" something like that. Two things. I got uncomfortable with what you told me. Hindi ata halata kasi, we were so busy talking, and everything was too overwhelming for me that day habang nagkakaayos tayo. Second, let's say, I had an ulterior motive(?) nung sinabi mong you'll try to "bend me". I'll be honest. I did say countless times that day na, "No, you can't bend me." But deep down, I kind of agreed(?) with myself, I gave you a chance. To try and bend me. Because seriously?? I think it has already been a year since I started to get confused about WHO and WHAT I am too. Do I like girls like how I like boys too? Or was it really just an admiration towards girls? Am I confused? Or is this just denial?

After natin magka-ayos, there were nights sometimes, or minsan sa umaga din, napapaisip ako. I overthink if ano na? Did I prove something na ba? Like? Do I like girls too? Or na-confuse lang ako? At first, naguguluhan na talaga ako to who I really am, and when you came, you made it more confusing. But after months, I am straight. I really am. I'm sorry, I tried. I gave it a chance I swear. You're nice. Very very nice. Understanding and caring. Which I haven't felt before. And I don't know whether to be thankful for that or sorry, kasi ang ending ginamit kita? Is that the right term? I'm sorry.

And to be frank, na-realize ko din na malaki yung pagkakamali ko dito. What I did for the past few days, weeks, and months, are nothing but false hopes and I lead you on too. That is my fault, I failed to set boundaries. Masyado akong natuwa sa atensyon na binigay mo to the point na nakalimutan kong hindi dapat. Because habang natagal tayo sa ganitong sitwasyon, mas lumalalim, mas masakit.

We're both at fault..? You keep on being persistent even if I told you no. But it's also my fault, I should have also been persistent on saying no. Pero wala eh, unfortunately, I'm a people pleaser too. Ironic right? I don't know how to say no. I hate it when I can't please people the way they want. And that's on me.

[psycheofchaos]

c

ang gulo. nakakalito. hindi ko maintindihan.

paano ba masasabi na ang isang bagay o desisyon ay tama o mali? paano naging tama? paano naging... mali?

tama, kasi naka-ayon sa bibliya at ginawa ng Diyos.

mali, kasi taliwas doon.

hindi por que kinukwestiyon ko kung paano naging mali ay hindi ko na alam kung anong nakasulat sa bibliya. kinukwestiyon ko kasi naguguluhan ako. kinukwestiyon ko kasi gusto ko ng kasagutan, gusto ko ng paliwanag. gusto kong maliwanagan.

masama na ba ngayon ang magtanong?

[psycheofchaos]

c

mahal kita.

Ah... paano ba malalaman na mahal mo ang isang tao? may basehan ba para masabing, "ah, oo... mahal ko siya" ? sapat na ba na nakararamdam ng kilig at tuwa tuwing kasama at kausap siya? oh ang mangulila at hanap-hanapin siya sa tuwing hindi siya kasama at kausap?

ah basta.

ang alam ko, payapa at kalmado ako sa tuwing kasama kita. ang alam ko, kaya kong ipakita kung sino ako sa harap mo. ang alam ko, kaya mo akong intindihin kahit na magulo. ang alam ko, kaya mong habaan ang pasensya mo para sa akin.

[psycheofchaos]

09.08.23

hanggang kaya ko pa, kakayanin ko. but this time, with boundaries.

[psycheofchaos]

c

I don't know how I will start this--- WHERE will I start this. I guess let's start this with what we talked about nung nagka-ayos tayo after ng open house, I think? You told me, if I remember correctly na, "wala akong pakialam kung straight ka.." "ruler nga nabebend eh" something like that. Two things. I got uncomfortable with what you told me. Hindi ata halata kasi, we were so busy talking, and everything was too overwhelming for me that day habang nagkakaayos tayo. Second, let's say, I had an ulterior motive(?) nung sinabi mong you'll try to "bend me". I'll be honest. I did say countless times that day na, "No, you can't bend me." But deep down, I kind of agreed(?) with myself, I gave you a chance. To try and bend me. Because seriously?? I think it has already been a year since I started to get confused about WHO and WHAT I am too. Do I like girls like how I like boys too? Or was it really just an admiration towards girls? Am I confused? Or is this just denial?

After natin magka-ayos, there were nights sometimes, or minsan sa umaga din, napapaisip ako. I overthink if ano na? Did I prove something na ba? Like? Do I like girls too? Or na-confuse lang ako? At first, naguguluhan na talaga ako to who I really am, and when you came, you made it more confusing. But after months, I am straight. I really am. I'm sorry, I tried. I gave it a chance I swear. You're nice. Very very nice. Understanding and caring. Which I haven't felt before. And I don't know whether to be thankful for that or sorry, kasi ang ending ginamit kita? Is that the right term? I'm sorry.

And to be frank, na-realize ko din na malaki yung pagkakamali ko dito. What I did for the past few days, weeks, and months, are nothing but false hopes and I lead you on too. That is my fault, I failed to set boundaries. Masyado akong natuwa sa atensyon na binigay mo to the point na nakalimutan kong hindi dapat. Because habang natagal tayo sa ganitong sitwasyon, mas lumalalim, mas masakit.

We're both at fault..? You keep on being persistent even if I told you no. But it's also my fault, I should have also been persistent on saying no. Pero wala eh, unfortunately, I'm a people pleaser too. Ironic right? I don't know how to say no. I hate it when I can't please people the way they want. And that's on me.