psychoteacup

[psychoteacup]

addiction:

noun. /əˈdɪkʃn/ /əˈdɪkʃn/ [uncountable, countable] ​the condition of being unable to stop using or doing something as a habit, especially something harmful. (source: Oxford Dictionary)

there is this new thing I've heard of in the past few months: micro-dosing. it's a treatment, per se, used in alternative medicine, I believe. I might be wrong, but the concept is to insert very small doses of an ingredient or medicine or something else into your daily life so you can collect the benefits long term.

I wonder if there is such a thing as micro-dosing death.

don't let me lose you just yet, I have a point (maybe) here.

there is such a stigma around death by self, and it's harder than it looks, that I do in fact respect those who manage to follow through. their pain, you see, is unbearable beyond guilt, beyond duty, beyond consequences. it outweights it all. you don't really see the value in hurting people close to you or even to keep trying and believe the good days will come. I've tasted the despair, the feeling that there's no way out, the agony and the terror. some people have to live with them every hour of every day.

i'm medicated, but I still have anxiety and many many episodes of borderline panic. the depression is the ongoing company, but it's a low hum underneath the medication. I'm far from happy, you see, I'm in that limbo of numbness and okayness.

"How are you?" people ask me.

"Alive?" I answer.

which really sums up how low the bar is.

lately I've been struggling with my brain and the will to do anything. I've been going through some medical treatments (another story, another day) and along with my own demons, I have these side effects that actually make my head eat itself in either boredom, agony or lethargy. the clock keeps ticking, I barely manage to do the basic; I smile at work and attend meetings, but then struggle the rest of the week to deliver the bare minimum. I'll have to come back to this topic on another day, it's a bit complex.

back to my (maybe) point.

Micro-dosing death.

it's basically when you cope with daily life for as long as you can, floating on that limbo of nothingness in the hopes that you'll get better. but even if you're not trying to turn the off switch on your life gameplay, having healthy and purposeful habits are almost impossible. that's where most people find addiction and go down that route of alcohol, drugs, opiods, so on. (and on their case, they don't really microdose, do they?)

not me though, I've never really caught up with that. but don't get me wrong, I'm just as addicted. I seek candy/sweets/food as a form of reward or compensation for the lack of serotonin. I doom scroll the hell out of TikTok (not instagram because it makes me sick seeing other people happy). I have maladaptive daydreaming, and as a writer, boy am I good at that - just give me one hyperfocus on any storyline or even a hot actor/actress and I'll jump right into it. I isolate myself into my hyper-independence.

and I just can't seem to stop. which leads me into thinking that i'm microdosing this destructive behavior as a taste of heading towards that abyss, one bite/scroll/daydream at a time. that's escapism, that's being scared of facing the scars and not being able to do anything about it. I intentionally do something that I know logically will harm me in one way or the other (either for not being healthy or simply because it escapes me from real life).

and I don't really see anyone talking about it... maybe about doom scrolling online, which is the most popular. but people don't talk about the food addiction as an emotional response: in this case, it's either the harmful shame of obese people or studies after studies saying how bad being overweight is, without really looking into the root of the problem. now maladaptive daydreaming, I have to admit, is a refined option on the book of mediocre addictions.

a while back I didn't have time for the scrolling and the daydreaming, because I was focusing on the eating and working myself off a cliff. I worked so much that I didn't have time - or the energy - to basically think about any of my issues. that's an addiction as well, but that one nearly cost me my life a couple of times.

and in the end, they're all coping mecanisms to help me at least survive the day. while the echoes of a regretful life haunt my unconscious.

it's rock bottom disguised as a warm bed, which makes it even harder to get out.

I'm yet to find a way out of mine, but I don't want to be ungrateful. even as they are also harmful to me, some of these mecanisms actually saved me a couple of times, especially the daydreaming.

I was never one to crave social interactions because I was simply lost in everything. I was always somehow out of place, awkward, trying to decode the social innuendo, feeling insecure and anxious. So those scenarios in my head actually helped me create innumerous universes for me just to exist. it's crazy, I know. but the fantasy of it all actually helped the cage not feel so cold.

I'm trying to find a way out, trying to understand myself better. It's hard. It takes more energy than I have most of the time, and I'm usually terrified.

anyway, this is my point for today. I guess.

now I go back into daydreaming, and I'll see you again as soon as that gets boring.

much love,

xx

[psychoteacup]

our stories 1.1

it was always depression for me, you know. and of course, the good old friend, anxiety. I've heard so many times that maybe I was just destined to be depressed forever and that was okay. spoiler: it wasn't okay. not really. the constant feel of dread and sorrow, the loneliness, the misery, not seeing a way out. never feeling like I was ever going to be good enough, in anything, or ever. it was a dead end. was I destined to be this melancolic crying damsel on a tower forever?

took me thirty years to find a good doctor and terapist who would take a proper look at this. deep down, behind the curtains. don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of shadow and dust there, but the little peak was all they needed to come up with a few theories.

started off with the possibility of bipolarity, and I always had this idea of never being bipolar because I never had mania episodes. you know, the stereotypical mania episodes where your energy makes you unstopable and you're, in fact, for the worse, unstopable, in whatever you put your mind into. the thing is, I didn't know about another type of bd that had hypomania. which meant a smaller and less intense episode of mania, followed by long periods of depression. now that was souding more like me.

we tried a few treatments, it went terribly wrong. somewhere in the middle I stopped handling feelings altogether, which is why I'm on meds that make me, to the most part, a little numb. I still feel all of the sadness and desperation, but compared to what it could be, is tamed.

then talking to a close friend, I was sure about ADHD. of couse, being so low energy, the hyperactivity part was a big no-no. which left me confusing (and it does to this day) as to the possibility that I do, have, in fact ADHD, or maybe just ADD. this right here is a work in progress, an investigation still ongoing.

but ADHD explained more of my limitations, the freezing for years, the non stop thinking, the memory loss, distractability, incapability to have discipline or keep following projects through. it explained more, but not all.

then I came up with a few people talking about autism once, even about a test that was made to identify autism symptons and characteristics on women. see, by this point, I only had misconceptions in my mind about what the media had sold me about what autism was. I had never seen a girl with autism in my life or in any of the media consumed. it was a strange land to dive, and I was scared. I denied the signs, because I didn't know what they meant.

after a few months of chaos in my life, this year I returned to the psychiatrist and we started to investigate on ADHD and autism, where he said that from the first day he wrote a note about me that I might have autism, which I haven't even told him about my researches before. that was a bit of a shock. the ADHD part is still something that we're considering, yet to be defined, I suppose.

then the diagnostics came, and I cried like a baby. out of all of the possibilities I never really believed this one, but the signs were all there. I just masked so perfectly, even to myself, ignoring the consequences of it and just putting on a show the next day, never wondering about the never-ending depression and low energy, or how I was never out of the well.

I don't know how to feel, but someday I might.

I'm still learning, and to be honest, this first few months have been weird. I had resistence from people close to me, decided not to tell my parents about it because I was scared of their reaction and didn't want to make things worse.

but I wanna try.

and now I'm under this grieving process of which I recognize everything that was done to me that was so cruel, and even what I did to myself, always so judgemental and cruel to me, never enough in the eyes of a standard that was not made for me to fit in.

it explains so much. my childhood, my trauma. my fights and battles, my internal war.

it's still ongoing, you know. but so much weight was lifted off of me. something I was just so used to feeling, that almost felt as part of me, another limb, all that guilt and shame. but it's not mine to hold on to anymore.

slowly, i'll be shedding those skins. i'll understand my limits and my strengths. it's surely not gonna be easy, but gives me a little more of hope.

i'm yet to meet me.

[psychoteacup]

fucked up, anxious, too much

in my perfect world, you'd be in love with me, just by who I am you'd make plans to travel the ocean to see me, you'd see we're soulmates because you love how I make you laugh, how I make you crazy, how i'm always there for you, how I just understand. we'd see each other eventually, and I'd feel your hands on my face, making me look up at you, towering over me, in silence for just a second. And it's me, I'm your dream girl. Bones and all.

in my perfect world I'd found you when I was fixed, heart - mind - body fixed, so I could be myself around you, no retrains and no ties. i'd write poems about having your arms around me and how that felt like home. you're so much taller than me, you could embrace all of me and I'd be safe. No one's gonna hurt you, he said. It's only dreams coming true from now on.

in my perfect world, I'd watch you sleep, so so deeply, with your hair messy and falling on your eyes. I'd confess that this is more than attraction and that my heart hopes that you'll be mine. A hope of a world so perfect that I've never felt so loved.

in my perfect world, even though we're apart, we'd find our way to each other. Kismet, right? We already broke all of the odds of ever meeting, so it has to be fate. You'd hold me close, only feeling safe knowing I was right there, and not going anywhere. The house you live by yourself, would now feel empty if I ever leave.

in my perfect world, we'd make plans to move to japan, like you always dreamt about. I'd follow, as a sunflower follows the sun, because fuck, I love you.

The idea of you, I'm in love. I created this perfect world where I'd have a chance. Where there isn't a way for this to go wrong. Hold me, I'm falling. I wanna believe that one of these possible universes you could actually be mine.

in my perfect world, I wouldn't have to face the fact that this would never happen. You'd never look at me like i'm the one you have dreamed about your entire life, the one that makes your legs tremble, butterflies in the stomach, the one that makes you hot and sweat, but makes you smile and wonder.

you're better off, of course. you'll find someone as pretty as you deserve, with the body of a goddess, so that your every need is satisfied. you'll find someone that will make you so, so happy, and I hope in the end you don't hate me. Maybe you just think about me fondly. A long lost memory of a moment in time. someone who kept you company at night, listened and made you dream.

in my real world, I'm a cliche. in my real world, i have to deal with the fact that my best prize is that I ever crossed your path, even for a split of a second. I was there to witness all of your glory and potential, and I knew you'd become brighter every day.

I'll live our little fantasy for as long as I can, craving and tasting whatever I can get from your wine. picking up the pieces of the puzzle of you, and trying to at least get one small souvenir home. I love you, the idea of you, the construction of you, who you'll be and who you are now.

i'm a fucking mess. but i love you. and that's as far as I can go with love.

[psychoteacup]

the highs and the lows,

the past month has been difficult, to say the least not only did I acquire the new skill of panic attacks (yes, i know) i also was having episodes of agoraphobia and multiple anxiety crisis so you could say that was one of the lows.

yesterday my doctor looked me in the eye and told me to quit pursuing my dreams because no one cares and it's too hard, i'm not priviledge enough to have the means and we're all but a grain of sand in the wind.

that kinda made me angry.

i'm delusional, absolutely. but the only thread saving me from drowning is this dream. i may not know how to properly deal with it, and yes, it may need some adaptations and rough cuts, but it's my calling. i can't remember how many times i was told i wasn't enough. sometimes i believe it. but that one thread never lets me go completely.

today i can't sleep. kept waking up in the middle of the night. woke up early on a sunday. wanted to rest and enjoy some time alone, but no, that wasn't my brain's plan for me.

you see, yesterday I started a self-discipline course I found online. it's as bad as it sounds, but it actually gave me some skills to try. what's the cost, you know? yesterday i started the course and today i continued it (it's a new feeling for me, you see, consistency) and actually applied myself. it's not harvard, it's not a proper course on it either, but it's an action of movement, of change, that I provided for myself with my own hands.

i was always struggling with too little habits to start, i always got bored. the opposite is also true, when I promise a lot, I always slip and frustrate myself. but I think this time is different, because the only promise I made was to not judge myself. and if I fall on the way, i'll pick myself up and continue where I left it. no one judging, no one asking me to be perfect.

it's the daily little habits that will keep me moving. keep the ice melting, slowly, so i can build myself stronger.

you see, this is probably a high. the energy, the not sleeping well, the hyperfixation. it's good if you know how to properly use it. i'm not sure i know that very well. right now, the only thing i know is that i don't want to be where i was all these weeks. cold, gray, afraid, lost.

i need to know myself, i need to find this light again. i need the fire.

brick by brick, day by day, step by step. i'm recovering. no one is ever perfect. but by doing anything at all, i'm already better than i was before.

keep trying kiddo. and if this method doesn't work out, we'll try another one. as long as we're going somewhere.

i love you.

[psychoteacup]

to my future self, i guess.

I guess there's a couple of ways to go about this.

First things first, I really hope you're far ahead in our journey. That you held tight to the blind belief in our purpose and jumped off the fool's cliff, starting the walk step by step, reaching hills and mountains and rivers and more.

I hope you didn't give up. I believe in you, I know you won't. Sometimes we're going to be very close to the edge, and as it is sharp, it is tempting. It's okay to look at it, to imagine it, to feel the cold wind on your skin. But know that you'll always step back and look to the sunrise behind you. That's where you want to go.

I'm not sure why we chose this life, I can only feel it's right. I hope it pans out in the end. As you can see, now I have my doubts, but blame the blindness of a sad song. We have surely reached lows and heights together. Every battle wound is imprinted in our soul, a memory. Each one of them making us stronger, wiser, happier. Believe it or not, we're better off now.

I was asking myself about this purpose... I was asking myself about my voice, about my message, about my heart and soul. Why me? I just realized that I have more love inside of me than anything else. Love is what keeps me up and running. Love is what never lets me give up. We want this not because of money or fame. We want to tell stories to heal people. We want them to feel seen and loved. We want to spread messages of empathy and care, even in the darkest struggles of the night. The last spark isn't hope, it's love. Everything you do today is for love. You want a better world, your desire is genuine.

There may have a few strands of ego and desire behind, after all, we're human and flawed. Maybe I wasn't loved enough to look for it on loud applauses, but maybe all we want is to give out the love we didn't have in the first place. No one should feel like this, no one should feel like they're last than.

Perhaps feeling the deepest and scariest feelings have a purpose after all. We need to save people, in one way or another. Surely, I'm not saving the world from doom, but I'm going to save me and you from ourselves.

And it's through life and living, I suppose. No, don't fear it. If you do, run towards it. Dare to feel free. Understand and accept your flaws and breaks. We're imperfect and authentic. There's not a shade of color like our soul. You're unique and singular. Perpetually doomed to serve humanity with the tales of our heart. Tell them what they need to know. Be a channel, be a path, be a tunnel. Find the light and give it away.

And if the light is too bright, my love, come back here. Remember this ground zero, this point where we now have nothing but a belief and a hope for the future. Remember everything you have fought for and how the universe gave you a role to fill. Nothing on this earth can suffice your desires. Find the light and give it away. Find yourself and give it away.

This earthly living is but a glimpse of your soul. Trust your mind and come back to me anytime you need to breathe. I'll always be here for you, to remind you of the littlest things in life. I know it's scary out there, but we have to get out. We have to start.

We will arrive and when that happens, you'll understand that there is still so much more to walk on. Listen to the sound of the wind and the ruffle of leaves. Touch the earth and feel the water. Warm in the heat and dance in the air. Ground yourself. Find your calling. Listen to what they have to say. They'll always be here for us. They're here right now with me, in the past, and they're there with you, in the future.

I hope you write back to me one day, with tears in your eyes, happy that we've made it. That the silly little dream that girl had was real and that voice was God.

Be kind, be lovely, be true. You're not alone. You're never alone. Dare to fly, dare to be as giant as you can. Dare to touch the stars. Live amongst them. You are one.

I love you, don't ever give up. For us, for you, for me. For the world.

[psychoteacup]

she,

you see, i live in daydreams. you caught me, by surprise. i thought i just liked the way you dressed. and your hair, and your tattoos. the way you laugh at my jokes. and your hands. your eyes. your expressions, that was nice too. the way you'd come to me to ask about anything. i'd feel seen, i'd feel helpful. i thought it was just a simple transaction; i wanted you to like me. i wanted you to show me your world. i didn't notice at first how happy I was to see you arrive. or how your hugs immediately would calm me down. or how the way adrenaline was simply kicking inside your veins and that made you so exciting about living and I was there to see it. the spark. i didn't think it was your smile then. or how disappointed I was you brought your girlfriend around. and how nice she was, how sweet. and how not me. no, i'd never thought. not me. not with my morals and values. i'd never cross that line. all I wanted was more opportunities. guidance. a place in the world. not to feel left out, marginalized. all I wanted was to be someone new. but i realized you and fuck did it hurt me. I realized that I had studied every bit of you. craved for more information, beggars and crumbs. you have your entire life out there. what do I have? nothing. a couple jokes at best. at least I can die knowing I'd made you laugh a couple times. or that your eyes were on me. and forget that I just made myself look stupid to you. and probably ruined everything. but you've been so kind. your kindness is my comfort. don't ask me if i'm okay. i'm not. maybe i will be. but i won't have you. so am I really okay? I won't be able to touch you. or to live those moments I've imagined inside my head. I wrote an entire film about you already. maybe some love songs definitely a few unwritten poems. but god, in the end, I have to thank you. I have not felt these feelings for a while now. I didn't let myself, you know? I was too scared, too terrified. I can leave with just a bit of memory. the slightest of touch. the longing looks, the silent screams. whilst I wish I could just paint you, write you, sing you. you're my adrenaline. you're my daydream. you're my

i don't know.

I wish you were mine.

[psychoteacup]

delusional,

I thought the answer for my agony was not to write about you, if I don't make it real, you're not real. you're a fragment of my imagination, i'm in love with the thought of you. it's a simple fraction, mathematical equation. if a tree falls down in the woods but no one is there to see it, did it happen? if I don't see you I can pretend you're not the most precious being I've ever seen. I could be romanticizing, but I love your fingertips. But you're not real, at least not to me. see, that's how it is. it's platonic, delusional. you're unreachable. you're ahead, i'm way behind. I could never, ever, or at least for now, be someone in your eyes. that's why I pretend you're one of my parasocial relationships. you're just a hyperfixation, it'll pass. if I wait long enough, they all do. it's glimpses of humanity that sometimes hit me in the chest. rare occasions. but somehow, I think you'd relate to this. or maybe not, maybe you're always in love. maybe everyone is in your eye. maybe i'm just the one left out. I understand, really. I know. I have clarity of who I am, better than anyone, only sometimes I just pretend those don't exist and create something in my head. but I can't pretend for long that you're not around, because the moment you walk in, I get chills all over my body. I forget how to breath, maybe even stop at all. I rethink every word that comes out of my mouth. My goal is to make you laugh. It's the only advantage I have. For you to see me, at least, for me to make you happy for an instance. I'm sorry, if you ever read this. I don't think you will, but if you do. I'm sorry I ever let myself be enthralled by your eyes in a way someone looks into the greenest trees in the horizon. I'm sorry I didn't see it coming, even when I had you smiling wide and excited about the silliest event. I'm sorry I'm always trying to find a reason to talk to you. I'm sorry I even tried, I feel so silly. My best friend said it's nonsense. I shouldn't pursue anything, I'd only get hurt. He's probably right, he knows much better than me about life. I can't really talk about you to many people, you're my secret, mostly because I know I can't have you. And they know it too. I'd never think you'd look my way. I don't know what I was thinking. I was high out of my mind, but never saw clearer. I'm sorry I'd try to hide the way I look at your tattoos, trying to figure out their meaning. Their history, your history. I don't know much you see, and yet I'm so infatuated. I keep picking pieces of a puzzle I don't understand. I try not to want your validation. I try not to want you to look at me. To make myself worthy of your time. I swallow dry as I see you kiss the one you love. Do you love? Could it be me? No one seems to think so. I understand. I wouldn't pick me either. I know, I know. Self pity is so 2007. But it's true, I'm left with ashes from my self esteem. At least you make me curious to find out what would happen. This is a confession, you see. I don't think I'd like for it to be less than perfect. I'd like to be perfect, for you, for me. I think I see myself in you. Or what I'd like to be. Free. Maybe I have yet to find out. Maybe a few more pieces of your puzzle will free me from the chains or whatever. What a silly concept. The jail lock is open, I just don't want to get out. I don't wanna lose you. I don't even have you. But I'd die for a couple more minutes with you.

[psychoteacup]

do you mind if i sit by your side?

i have nowhere to go and you've been here for a while.

you don't have to talk to me or say anything.

i'll let you be as you'll let me stay.

it's funny to find someone in the same situation.

sitting on a bench looking at the trees.

wondering about life and death and rebirth and time.

wishing on better days and old eras.

remembering the laughter and the mistakes.

it's nice to talk to someone who understands.

most of the time i'm just talking to the voices in my head.

they're not exactly friendly.

they're usually angry of their misunderstanding.

speaking in tongues, emotions and tears.

no wonder i can't translate.

so i just let them be for now. torturing my soul.

i'm so desensitized i don't feel anything anymore.

it's like a bubble of sadness wherever i go.

now i understand the cartoons with the dark clouds above sad characters.

i've been called sadness too many times.

it's not exactly a fun thing to hear.

i don't want to be sadness.

i want to be

yeah.

i don't know either.

i just know what i don't want.

barely.

sorry, i said i wasn't going to disturb you for long.

and here i am, crying into words.

i just need to know.

can someone tell me?

tell me what to do.

i don't believe in destiny but i believe in purpose.

i don't believe in religion, but i believe in faith.

i'm facing a sand storm and i can't move.

i'm so tired.

i haven't left my bed today.

except for coming here and meeting you.

in my imagination.

but my brain will think it's true.

and that you're my new best friend.

i don't want to be sadness anymore.

i don't want this trauma anymore.

[psychoteacup]

it's a whole inside. i am paralyzed. i can't breathe. there's nowhere to run. i'm drowning in water, everyday. i can barely keep my head above water. that's as far as i can go to save myself. sometimes it doesn't work and i'm consumed. sometimes i wonder if it isn't easier to just let go. follow the bottom of the ocean. feel the weight of my body being dragged by gravity into the depths of the earth. isn't it easier if everything just stopped. time, expectations, day and night. never again. but i stay, and i try again another day. i look around to try and see some land. i look for an escape route. sometimes i swim, on the good days, but i reach nowhere. i don't know if i'm now farther or closer to salvation. i don't know who i am. my skin is filled with wounds. they don't hurt under salt anymore. instead they yell inside my head. sometimes i just watch the sun as the day goes by and life go on without me. do i really make any difference? would anyone care? how long would they need to find someone better to fill my spot? i don't know what i want anymore. i don't know who i am. i was once so certain of a path, but so afraid. now i'm numb and have nowhere to go. i'm lost and pathetic. a shadow of who i dream i would be by now. cry me a river. or a sea. but please get me out of here.

[psychoteacup]

don't ruin this, please.

you woke something deep inside of me. i was shaking, sweating, when i found you. you took my hand and you rushed me to follow, quickly, run before they figure it out. don't make any noise, don't look back. if you do, the numbness will notice you're gone. the greyness will locate the bits of color coming back to your rosy cheeks. this is not the time to doubt. let me sweep you off your feet.

and i let you, because somehow, someway, i've been waiting for you to wake me up with this kiss. a kiss and beautiful words. melodies that have the power to destroy every wall inside of my heart that told me not to feel anything.

i was in a cloudy grey room before. sitting in an uncomfortable chair. looking out a window to more grey buildings and lives. a life void of any kind of joy. time wouldn't fly here, no, it would drag its nails on your skin, but you wouldn't feel pain. it was only a confirmation that you were still there, locked up, a prisoner of your own mind.

and then i saw your brown eyes i realized, lucky girl. i think about you and your mind. i thank you, more than anything, for making me feel seen. and i want that, i want more. i want to make people feel the same way. i want to be something. i want to be somebody. i want to make art, to make sure everyone has colors to share. even if dark shades or bloody reds. any feeling is better than none.

i've spent my twenties in pain. in doubt, in fear, in rejection. floating around space, with nothing to grab onto. fighting wars without weapons, being pushed down to the ground, bleeding. sometimes i'd make my way back up, for a while, to fight some more. but the war never ends. and my will does.

so i gave up, gave in. i focused somewhere else. i distracted myself. created a bubble of disbelief. i didn't want to see all the unhealed cuts on my body. it's like the tree in the forest, if i don't see it, it doesn't hurt.

i've been used to commercial propaganda, where our lives are just made to consume. they need control, they need more. the less we feel, the better.

i was always so afraid of making mistakes. of not mattering, of not being good enough. of rejection and failure. that's why i never even tried. the possibility of failing paralyzed me. put me back in my chains. if i never try, at least it doesn't mean i've lost.

but i did, many many years. i lost inumerous moments and experiences. i locked myself and kept the key. it was too scary out there. the roars and the power of everyone else. i felt so small, i felt to fragile. everyone seemed to be running after the same pot of gold.

what had I to offer then?

i'm a paper airplane.

i don't know where to go from now. i don't.

but you sparkled something inside of me. the tiniest bit of flame that is slowly burning me inside out. i don't know where to look, but at least i'm looking. at last, my eyes can search.

it's far from easy, or painless. i hate to face so many demons ahead, and i know this journey is going to be the longest. i just need one tiny step at a time. build up my courage. gather some more tools along the way, maybe a sword. it's like a videogame, ground zero. i have nothing, but at least i'm moving ahead.

my fight right now is to not be stuck in one place.

my path right now is to look for myself. find me.

i'm sure the pieces of me are scattered into an insensible puzzle. i'll put it together. piece by piece. and what doesn't fit, we'll paint with gold.

maybe one day there will be flowers, warmth, a bit of sun shining in the sky. maybe i'll see the true shades of blue and yellow and pink.

no more hurting myself, no more.

thank you, by the way, for waking me up with the kiss.

[psychoteacup]

there isn't much to see here, you know. not much of me left, to hear, to feel, to exist. i'm gently grasping for air. there's a piece of me still trying to fight. for the sake of everything we missed.

i can't sleep, i can't eat. can't talk or feel anything. i'm bored out of my mind without the strength to do anything. it's a limbo, you know. this constant state of suffering with nowhere to go.

and now i'm sick, phisically. i've been sick mentally for years. to certain people, that doesn't really count. it's the dream fever and the bloody coughs that go all the way.

you're absolutely not going to enjoy this.

i've been thinking, planning, all in my head, you see. trying to form an escape plan. be a fugitive to my own chains.

i made an aesthetic out of not doing well. it's everything i know. i know nothing else. looking for anything else makes my stomach turn. even learning new things seem like a struggle. it's like my only goal in life is to be sad.

it breaks my heart when people call me sadness. they have many times before.

what does it mean? why would anyone call someone sadness?

i get it though, doesn't mean i like it.

i take it as a light joke. i know people don't mean ill. it's my fault anyway to let people perceive me that way.

i want to read, i can't. i want any kind of distractions, but nothing is big enough to fill the whole inside.

i keep digging it and making it bigger.

the biggest lie of the world is that rock bottom actually had a bottom.

for some of us? it's an imminent threat, but you'll never reach it. because if you do, you start feeling better, there's no where for you to go but up.

even monsters deserve love.

i don't think i've ever been.

this is very virginia wolf of me.

i wish i could stop time until i figured this one out.

[psychoteacup]

start.

please.

start.

something.

do something.

think, wish.

become. anything.

i need movement, i need air.

break those cuffs. be free, fly away.

you're on your own kid, you always had been.

don't let your life be someone else's.

you've slept too much already.

unfreeze, walk away. run, please run.

don't ever look back.

please.

please.

please.

fire away.

to the stars.

to the moon.

to jupiter.

to you.

[psychoteacup]

you.

I've only showed you the good parts of me, and you love me, I know you do. But that's easy, isn't it? We don't really have much time to dive in the fast lane. I showed you all my cards and now I'm left with this emptiness of concepts. I'm flawed and I have scars, inside and out. I'm insecure, but I need you.

Maybe the way that we started made it cursed from the start. I cursed it, it's what I do, you see? I'm hopeless, I wish I was different, I wish I could be better for you.

I created a world in my head and you want to make it real, but it can't be real. We're safe here, inside. Don't look through the windows, just look at me.

I wish I knew before how much you'd mean to me, but now I'm here, facing the broken glass and blood. It's such a mess, I'm scared of how you'd react. You should probably run for your life, I don't deserve you anyway.

But honestly, should I really want you this much? If you only love bits and pieces of me.

It's like a movie set, there's nothing behind the front beautiful structure. It's empty. What exists is only what we see, that's what you need.

On this night and in this light, maybe I should've stopped myself before ruining it. I knew this would happen and I'd lose you. You can't see me. I wish you did.

I'm broken, I don't really know how to heal. I'm older, I don't really know how to care about what's next. You're full of electricity and you deserve better.

I'm sorry, I'm a story. I do this, I have different names for each person I meet. I collect them, because it's who I need to be for you.

Stay, stay, stay, please.

Just stay inside. Will I know you?

[psychoteacup]

catch me,

Hyperphantasia is the condition of having extremely vivid mental imagery.[1] It is the opposite condition to aphantasia, where mental visual imagery is not present.[2] The experience of hyperphantasia is more common than aphantasia[3][4] and has been described as being "as vivid as real seeing".[3] Hyperphantasia constitutes all five senses within vivid mental imagery; however, "visual" mental imagery research dominates the literature, and there is a lack of research on the other four senses.[5]

it's like creating a new world where I can live inside, a safe space, a lovely home, peace and quiet, music, art, nature. it's like falling in love with someone who inspires you. building a future together and seeing it unfold. I've seen it in my head, never in my life. basically, it's a cope mechanism for me, i've been entangled in too many ropes, wished too many times for them to ease my way out. i haven't been here in a year and a half. i don't think i've written anything in a year and a half. did I forget? do I know how to?

does it matter if I do?

it's something about the weather.

I haven't felt like it's the new year yet. maybe because of my birthday, big one, i'll talk about it later. I just wanted to ramble here a bit.

it was poorly handled, my life, you see? such a slag.

this is formless, meta in its hatred for the lack of awareness.

everything is a mess, so this should be as well. it's only fair, right? my head is a deep dive into darkness, i'm not making it an aesthetic, I promise. I just can't let it go, feels like a sentence. the only time I feel like I might get better is when I listen to you.

i was numb for all these years. i turned it off. now i'm back here in misery, but at least i'm feeling something. not only despair and the void.

do you mind if I say a little longer? even if we never meet.

do you mind if I listen to you speak so I can sleep?

you don't understand the waves you create. i'm submersed, you completely drowned me. and i'm smiling under the water because it's another world besides reality. i can be here, safe, sound. soft sound.

let me dive deeper then, into you. please let me find hope in you. you're the only thing left. maybe you'll read this one day. I hope you don't, this is a mess. like an unexpected visitor in your house where the laundry is in the living room and there's snacks and cat hair everywhere.

show me you love me. even if you don't. see me, so I can become.

I have been a wallflower for too long, too scared to show any color.

There is something about you that I can't put my finger on. How? I just feel. Don't let me let go.

you're my lifeline.

sorry about the responsibility. you don't have to do much, just be yourself. i'll be here waiting.

thank you for giving me colors again.

[psychoteacup]

no matter

what’s the point?

in trying in being in failing in falling

despite the progress, I find it thrilling to see how I’m a master in missing the point, the time, the right decision

i have lost my way, my time, my youth,  lost friends, lost energy, lost will, 

i would’ve lost love and power too, if I had any to begin with 

what’s the point in fighting  no matter what I do I’m crying  no matter what I do I’m bleeding no matter what I do I’m losing  whats the point of creating if everyone else is better whats the point of trying to be authentic if i’m a hollow mess  shallow, shallow being of sadness I’m fighting for too long I’m exhausted  I’m tired of failing and tired of being stuck in the same place

Sometimes I walk ahead, sometimes I’m up there

I feel better everyday, I say but then why am I here crying today  why are the voices louder than ever

what’s the point of trying when no matter what I do i’m falling?

[psychoteacup]

floating

the sky is dark grey, i feel drops of rain  on my skin and the coldness of the sea below me is a moving bes that floats me.  my face is barely out of the water, but these days are better than others. most days the anchor around my waist grows heavier and i sink and shrink down and down until the bottom of the ocean where light can’t reach and then it disappears, my body floats back up takes a while, it’s a few miles  but i reach back up the loud and angry waves  i don’t see anyone else around, but i’m sure they’re there just too far to reach, that’s life for us right now i’m sorry i can’t help you, because i can’t help me

today i’m floating, the sky is dark grey rain comes and goes, all day my mind goes blank, i can’t feel anything i guess that’s better than being afraid  i’m just too used to be lost at sea i’m just too tired of swimming with no direction

i look around, all i see is dark water i’m up and down, but i don’t go too far,  i humour myself, i try of ways of getting out i imagine in the blank horizon a big island where happiness resides. that’s the land where most days the sky is blue sometimes grey, sometimes  but mostly, it shines  i blink, twice, the vision is gone  the mirage that my brain gifted me with is only temporary a sight of relief amidst this chaos i look around, there is no land anywhere,  where do I go?  if I go north, will I be diving in deeper into the ocean? will it be the right direction? what if it’s west? where is left anyway? is any movement I make progress? is any action better than conforming and staying still? waiting for the day that either something will happen or nothing at all?

i used to dream that I was able to control the ocean unconsciously i could create the biggest waves, tsunamis,  without even thinking about it and now i’m here, being controlled by the same ocean but it’s cold, it’s dark, it’s angry, it’s relentless

it’s been 10 years looking for a sign in a dark and cloudy sky fight for your life, fight for your will your dreams didn’t die for a reason you can still control the ocean, you’ll find the answers you’re looking for  breathe in,  close your eyes,  the coldness doesn’t cut your skin anymore you have survived in the storm  that’s pure strength

it may be difficult to see, under all that rain,  but you have come so far stick to it, follow your heart, swim blindly you’ll reach wherever you need to reach it will come a day where the war will be won and all the fight and hurting will be a lesson learned it won’t be all easy, but it will get better keep moving, don’t ever stop

[psychoteacup]

what’s the point?

when I think about it... I’m not really sure if I ever felt happiness. true happiness, without any worries or anxiety or overthinking. 

what is happiness anyway?

I have felt joy, surely. in those moments where your stomach hurts from too much laughing, when you watch a movie you love, when you share a bond with someone. 

not being able to know what it feels like it’s one of the main causes why i feel so unmotivated, i think. it’s like running in blind towards something unknown. 

I’m not sure I ever felt love, too. 

I have been recently in love, but it wasn’t complete. as much as the way down was hurting so much, i couldn’t be sure of how real that love was. 

I surely was in love with the thought of love. I was surely attracted, which on a level is also new to me, to find someone that makes me feel this way. But loving a thought came with a big reality check. I try to focus on remembering the good things, the smiles and laughter, the stories and connection. 

After all this pain, I focused on feeling numb. I know, I know, it’s not ideal. It was my way of coping. At least I don’t feel like there’s a whole in my chest anymore. I did lose a lot of motivation, but that just shows how I can’t rely on other people for it. 

I digress. there’s so much in my mind, I can’t really focus. it’s one of those venting sessions I suppose. 

I’m not sure what it feels to be happy or confident or comfortable in my own skin. or trusting of my talents and abilities. 

I really don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. 

On my lower days, those I feel the worst, that’s the main question that goes through my mind. “What’s the point of trying and fighting back?” 

I don’t know the answer to that, but I keep going anyway. 

I’m not sure who I am and where I’m going. I don’t know anything right now. 

Feels like rebuilding and relearning. At least I feel I’m moving, instead of the usual being stuck I always feel. 

Shh. 

One day at a time.