puppyvonwolfenstein

[puppyvonwolfenstein]

February 19, 2023

Many years later, I find myself dwelling back in between my demon, Anxiety and my second demon, Hatred. I logged back into my gem, my secret treasure, the forum I had created and that had become my safe space... My home.

It'll be twenty years old in 2026. That's... Scary. Sad. My poor forum sits, waiting idly for it's two main users to return; my partner long MIA. My internet friend and 'mom' Sky long departed from my forum and life, gone in the wind and left me wondering what ever happened to her?

My first ever role playing partner, Jay, reminding me of how he made this poor socially awkward girl blush in a different forum when he asked if he could romantically pursue my character, Snow. He too, disappeared. I wonder what he's up to? He was such a nice guy. PK, a friend I made... Also disappeared and I've lost contact.

And that leaves you. The person how made all my years growing up, worthwhile despite how cringy I was. You saw something in me, potential maybe? I don't know. The worst part is that you're still there. In my contacts. And I can't reach you.

I once told you my truth, that I had a crush on you because well... Both our ships had set sail. Did that scare you off? I regret that. For someone who has a hard time keeping connections but who makes connections and never lets go... It hurts. So much. But that's a me problem, right? My poor forum though... Sure it's an inanimate object, but to me it's like my precious baby, a little gem that I created and that you helped nurture. If my forum had thoughts, would they mourn your departure too?

I've come to terms with my demons. They exist. They've existed for so long. My severe anxiety, my growing hatred of myself as a being. Always putting everyone before me, because I am worth less. Scared of offending everyone, scared of making the wrong impression, the wrong statement, making misunderstandings. Not being what they expected. Not achieving their expectations.

This severely stopped me from growing. Stopped me making better decisions. Stopped me from denying a man who wasn't up to my standard, and then lowering myself to meet his demands. I kneeled attention and affection. Yielded myself from flying in the sky. Stopped myself from floating like the feather I wanted to be.

I lost myself slowly, entirely to a man who wasn't worth more than three months of my life. I lost my prime days to him. Years of my life, wasted and forgotten now. I literally can't remember my early twenties, besides booze, tears and games.

That's why you're special. Nothing romantic of course, I'm now married to a lovely man who's worthy of me and who helps me cope and grow. Rebuilding the shattered pieces into a new me. No, you mean a lot in the sense that I feel you were my best friend. You, after all, were the one who got me to come to my senses and dump that pitiful excuse of a 'boyfriend' I had.

I return to my gem, my forum and see your absence. It's... Empty. Hollow. Gutted. I read my cringy posts, and scream "Why am I so CRINGE!!!" To myself. I exit. I breathe. Then I go back and read. I see you. I stop. I breathe. I calm down and read. It's a rollercoaster.

It's still a rollercoaster. My life I mean. I was gutted. I had decided to devote my life to money, send money home after moving to Canada, and live out the rest of my days drinking myself into a stupor. Alex had been everything to me. I was unworthy of love, unworthy of humanity I had told myself.

I met a man in college just as my plans had gone into action. He was in the darkness too. We found ourselves in a spark of human connection, where our feelings and thoughts just... Clicked. We understood. He made me an ultimatum, just as I had decided to enjoy the moment while trucking on towards my ending and I paused. What should I do? Get hurt again?

You came to mind. You were gone by now, in my contacts list of people I could message but didn't have the courage to.

I took a chance and in the darkness we became a brighter light, two little embers of fire dwindling and coming together and roaring back to life.

We married and we'll mark our fifth year of marriage this April. Suck on that, Alex. I did find someone better than you.

Even so, it was like you all over again. Me and my husband, all alone, together in our little world. But it's time to expand. I'm scared. I'm learning new things about me.

I have concluded that I have ADHD , and have all along. Go figure. My anxiety and depression have been nailing me since childhood. My anxiety as an adult is disgusting to say the least.

I had my high school reunion recently. It was nice. I reconnected with people who truly still remember me... Fondly? Truly? I didn't think I'd be remembered...

And now, I contemplate my book. My series. I have new ideas now. My beta reader, Ileana... She passed away a few years back. I was gutted. I had no one I wanted to read my works because I'm so self conscious.

I need to do this. Exit my shell. Face my demons head on. Had I done this in the past, I might have been thriving! Still.. I wouldn't change it if it meant I wouldn't meet my dear husband.

As for you... I fear the day I approach you through a message, because I fear you'll reject me and our time, our gem. Fear that you'll toss it aside like a rag.

But I'll do it. I'll make something worth your while since you're a busy man now (always such an important, busy man, you silly devil) and you'll maybe read it and converse with me for a moment before continuing on your life. And that's fine for me. It'll hurt a little, but that's fine. You were once the most important person in my life, so it's fine. I can't ever hate you. My connection with you is for life, even if it's one sided.

Being loyal was never meant to be easy. Being the person that I am, has never been easy. I'll remember special people when they've forgotten me, abandoned me, used me.

I'll remember people who have died, years later, still returning to their graves to speak to them. I'll message someone who can't physically read my messages because they're dead, and it hurts, but it's fine. My loyalty can be one sided, and hurt, but it's fine. I love them all, nonetheless.

And you...

I'll cherish the days I spent with you.

[puppyvonwolfenstein]

Nothing but crying -5/7/13

There was nothing but crying ever since I got home from school. Nothing but tears here, folks. I'm such a crybaby.

I talked to Alex, and like I guessed it, it's all my fault. Of course, he said he didn't want me to feel guilty and he didn't want me to cry, but he wants to work things out. Thank god.

But I'm scared. So scared. I texted him earlier, and we're gonna talk on the phone. I'm going to try to work things out, but I will admit... the probable causes for this distance is about a part of me that I can't easily change because of... well... those bad things that happened to me earlier in life. I think I'm going to tell him. I need to. But... it's just so hard, because I've never told anyone other than well... Mindy, Anna, and Rafa. All three of them I've been distant. Rafa is long gone, haven't heard from him. Anna sorta betrayed me in a way and I forgave her, but... the trust is broken. Don't talk to her. Mindy is a good friend, however, ever since we left highschool, we haven't talked. Distance, different colleges... yeah. I know I need to tell Alex, an I know he'll freak out and apologize like crazy once he knows the reasons I have, and he'll be so... well... gentle with me, but I don't want that. I never told anyone for a reason.

I'm a proud woman. I know I can be selfish. I know I'm not a people person. I know I'm far from being someone he truly deserves, but I love him, and... I don't want to lose him. He's the only thing in my life that makes it all worth  while. I honestly don't think I'd have the willpower to live without him.

Don't worry folks. I know I sound suicidial or whatnot, but I'm not. I'm duty bound to live my life in this forsaken planet. I always try to keep my promises, and... I'm not cowering.

I'm the headstrong type of woman, that doesn't take shit from men. Never did. It's made me... into this feminist that loves to dominate and manipulate men, but... with Alex... I just turn soft, into this motherly type of person. He brings out my inner kindness, and my inner goodness.

I don't know how to express myself. I don't know how to be a cute lady type of person. I'm sure that's what he wants. I just... can't. I'm a tomboy who wears jeans, tennis shoes, graphic tees, little to no makeup, nail bitter. Long, messy hair. Likes rock. Hates pink. Loves rpgs, and gaming. Sailor's mouth. Yeah, that type of girl.

I don't know how if I can be that. It's just so hard. Maybe he'll understand. I hope so. I don't want to lose him. :/

  XoXo,

Puppy

[puppyvonwolfenstein]

Live Your Life Update- Afternoon

I walked home today through the park.

I cried. And sobbed. Then cried some more.

I have a major headache from either the crying or my eating habits. Like I said before, my health is crashing, and I don't really sleep at night. I'm growing so weak.

On the way home there are two streets where cars come and go from both directions at a medium/fast rate. I honestly was careless, and during the peak of my crying, I just wanted a random car to appear and hit me while I crossed. Don't worry folks, I did not intend for something bad to happen, but the thought just flashed in the back of my head, when, you know, you feel the shittiest in the world and would prefer an instant solution. I just... felt the most painful and numbing feeling in my heart; my body is tired already from the lack of sleep and proper nutrition, so this feeling just gives me the feeling of being among the walking dead, just... walking almost aimlessly.

I'm dead serious about leaving now. If my love can't handle this, well, I can't blame him because neither can I. I don't wanna leave, but this world... it's just so fucked up. I need a job, and its hard because I've never held a job, no experience.

Honestly, I'll do anything he asks me to, but... it's too late now. If he couldn't speak his mind after so many chances I gave him... well... the its a darn shame. I need the money, the experience, and well... if this is the what changes me from a no body to a somebody, then I'm going for it. I'm so sorry my love. But honestly... what happened earlier today just darn broke my heart.

It's settled.

Now, I'm just debating whether I should say goodbye tomorrow or not show up at all.

I'll know tomorrow morning for sure, but whatever the outcome...

I'm ready.

[puppyvonwolfenstein]

Living my Life...

"...The spirit of a hustler, and the swagger of a college kid..." -Live Your Life, TI ft Rihanna

So I've finished my spring semester. I have ten months of being with Alex. In those ten months, we've never fought, however, there's been a growing distance that just breaks my heart. No doubt, this distance is all my fault, as everything bad in my life always is. I feel utterly helpless, and although I stopped blogging, I decided that I should start again, for health reasons. Let me explain from the beginning.

Recently, my health has been failing dramatically, and I've noticed I've been getting paler than the usual. I fear my liver or kidneys may have some problem, but... I honestly don't wish to get checked out. C'est la vie. If I die, I die, and I never really cared about living in the first place.

Then, Alex came into my life and it changed. I want to marry, I want kids, hell, I wanna do so many things in life now. But something in the past haunts me in a rather peculiar way. I act differently sometimes, in a way that keeps people, specially guys, away. I also have the bad habit of being like my grandmother: quiet, reserved, showing no emotions or concern. I admit I'm socially awkward sometimes, and that also affects my relationship. I'm so scared. He's the best thing in my life, the best thing that could've happened to me since so many disappointments. He's so sweet, affectionate, and he completes me. Literally. Were complete opposites sometimes, we compliment each other so well. And then sometimes he's so quiet, and dark... and it brings out my inner motherly love and love, my sweet caring side.

Last week, I decided to go work in San Antonio temporarily. I know he didn't take it too well. I'm beginning to regret this decision. He's been quiet, much too quiet and cold. I'm so worried... Today, a few hours ago, in the morning, he came in to the student lounge and told me and my friend Krysty that a tree hit his head and that he had seen... well the bright light. I've seen it twice, once with a scary... figure, to say the least. He said he saw the thing too, and I was just... shocked. My baby boy was near death and I didn't even know. It would explain why I was restless yesterday and had nightmares, couldn't sleep..

When he left today, he was just so distant, so cold... he just lightly gave me a tap on the lips and left. I know he had to go to the clinic, but.... he didn't even notice my concern or the way my eyes screamed out how much I loved him. I went back to the student lounge of course, but not before I made a detour to the ladies room and cried to my hearts content. I couldn't let my friends see me all teary because I knew I'd burst out crying, so I might as well just... get it over with alone.

I listened to the following song, Live Your Life by TI ft. Rihanna. Its making me think about my life right now. I have always been a paper chaser, I am so ambitious. Should I really risk my relationship for a job that would open up future job opportunities and experience? Alex told me to go, but I'm so scared of losing him. My decision is final, and although I'm so scared, its only going to be about 3 or 6 months. Relationships that are true should be able to go through that ordeal, but with the tree thing, I'm so scared that I won't be there with him when he needs me the most.

GG, and Xavier, give me strength to go through with this.

I will update this blog from now on. San Antonio is going to be a lonely place.

XoXo, Puppy

[puppyvonwolfenstein]

My gift of writing is slowly driving me insane, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm no longer just a person. I admired Poe for such a long time, I know see the madness he may have seen. I think my visit to the art museum revealed more than just the answers to my art assignment. Maybe if I quit writing I'll return to being normal. O.o; Should I? But then I'll lose my many identities...

[puppyvonwolfenstein]

Prom

Prom was so effin awesome asdfjklasdfjkl ahhh! Erik was my prom date to boot :D even though I was sick I enjoyed it, everyone did :) awww GG, I know you were with us, and I hope you danced too :)

[puppyvonwolfenstein]