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Andy Tyler

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It’s so unsustainable to be a woman

My body is always heavy

My heart is always broken

And my mind is always busy

But would I rather be a man?

I have half a mind to believe

Their bodies are also heavy

Hearts also broken

Minds also busy

At least I can scream, as a woman

And no one bats an eye

At least I can cry with no shame

There is a lesser of two evils

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*tries for the 100000th time to be my own friend*

*wonders if I’ll like me this time around*

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currently not accepting human connection.

Dealing with people is starting to hurt.

Being friends, being family, being lovers, being associates, even being strangers, it’s all starting to hurt much more than simply being alone.

I understand the mirror effect. And that to some degree, if not all degrees, the things that are bothering me about others are the very things that bother me about myself, except it’s being suppressed so it has to come as a reflection I see in someone else or risk being avoided altogether.

“Too loud”

“Too annoying”

“Too much”

“Too intense”

Story of my life. A girl with feelings so deep everyone in close proximity runs in disgust at the thought of holding space for them when it’s inconvenient or “too (pick your poison).”

I’m accustomed to dismissal. To being told “not now,” to understand when I’m met with silence because I should’ve known better than to think anybody but me (and God) could really hear something so heavy, to be told about boundaries, psychoanalyzed, ghosted, treated like a case study, or like I don’t exist at all.

I’ve learned how to take accountability for other people’s lack of grace for me.

“You should’ve made sure it was ok to share that.”

“Everybody’s going through something.”

When does the constant strife of life take the backseat to emotional availability for the people who we are actively choosing to have in our lives?

Better yet, when do I stop being punished for my desire for relationship, community, care, and intimacy?

When do I get to bleed out and be bandaged up by those who love me? Or am I sentenced to suffering in silence, self soothing, and tears that only I can hear?

I’m at the point where I’m ready to accept that fate. My heart cannot take much more. I’ve never wanted to believe that there was no one meant for me, but the current position of my life feels like that might be true.

Friends.. drawn to my freedom, demonizing that same freedom when it becomes the light that exposes the place where they themselves remain in bondage.

Lovers.. drawn to my intensity, shunning that same intensity when it becomes the mirror that challenges their ability to give and receive love deeply and truly.

Constantly being loved and revered for my fire but casted out when the embers become uncomfortable and the room gets too hot is a confusion I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. To be or not to be?

So, for now, I choose to be alone. I have no desire to connect with anyone outside of me. Not for isolation, but insulation. I’m not perfect, I don’t expect anyone else to be perfect, but I deserve to be handled with care. And if I don’t remove myself from places where that’s not happening, I will never get it.

It must start with me, just as everything else does.

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Free God from the box that restricts her.

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I became God when I wasn’t looking

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Martha Gellhorn, from a letter to David Gurewitsch featured in The Selected Letters of Martha Gellhorn

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i love getting compliments cus it like you see it too

cus I been seen it

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Kelis photographed by Cheryl Dunn (1999)