purpleshellfish

[purpleshellfish]

a break from instagram: day #04

not even a piece of mind.

[purpleshellfish]

a break from instagram: day #03

It was surprisingly peaceful. It really was. I checked Instagram via the website for an hour and it was enough. My thumbs didn’t even went over to its ex-location! Am pretty proud of myself. But I’m still thinking about the Instagram Story designs. Yeah I could always do it later though. Hopefully I could sleep earlier today. Hopefully though. No promises lol.

After thinking for a while I really understand why losing weight is important to me. I want to be the ideal that I have in my head. I don’t care what people are going to say about me anymore. They told me I don’t need to lose weight anymore. It’s not about losing weight to get dates right now, it’s more about ambitions and dreaming bigger than I never did. The steps are clearer now. I know what I have to do.

I’m really proud of myself. I’m proud of how far I’ve come since I was a teenager, I’m proud of losing weight and I’m proud of gaining them while losing them again.

AND MEDITATION REALLY HELPS. Googled on how to be positive and discovered that meditating helps. So I did. For 3 good minutes. Lol. Hopefully I could reach 5 minutes today.

[purpleshellfish]

a break from instagram: day #02

It is a definitely a challenge. I woke up today looking at the ceiling for a good 10-minutes before my hands move to the fully charged smartphone and unlocked it. My thumb, unaware of its habit, moved to where Instagram once was located.

It was crazy to think that I’ve developed a addiction to Instagram. I thought this app was just an app, a would be bygone of an app just like any other apps could be. I was used to its cheap and fast entertainment. 30 second videos, 1-minute music covers, gifs, pictures after pictures being scrolled infinitely until your eyes can’t take it anymore. The feelings, emotions that were provoked just by looking at pictures.

And after a few hours my thumb would move again to ex-Insta location. And at 8pm, I was curious on how my Instagram was doing that I decided to reinstalled it, looking at its notifications, opened my Instagram Stories and stalked who had viewed them. Oh, the guy that I’m interested were watching it. Cool. Quit the app, deleted it and left my phone to charge.

Instagram is my new TV. I used to be in front of the TV for at least 5-6 hours a day after school and wouldn’t budge until mom told me to go take a shower. And Instagram had consumed me for attention and approval so much that I didn’t realize I’m addicted to it. For others it might seem normal, but for me this is crazy. I’ve never been this committed to an app before.

Let’s see how the rest of the week goes. My goal is to be Instagram-free for at least 2 weeks. 

[purpleshellfish]

a break from instagram: day #01

[purpleshellfish]

a break from instagram: day #01

So I just got off a call from a friend a few hours ago and she decided to have her own personal account suspended and she deleted Instagram app to just have a detox out of Instagram.

I couldn’t help but agree with her: Instagram consumes me. I woke up mindlessly watching and looking at pictures and/or videos on Instagram. I’ve spent hours watching brief entertainment.

I’ve never realized how tied I am to it. And it’s 3 AM in the morning and I’ve deleted the app. I posted a story “bye everyone” and hopefully my friends would understand to contact me through WhatsApp and/or LINE chat platforms.

I think this is going to be one of my biggest challenge yet. There were so many things Instagram really shaped my attention to: how I’d like my feed to look like, how I’d stalk on the people I’ve disliked and vice versa.

Hopefully with this I can actually get more shit done than ever. I do not need Instagram. <3

[purpleshellfish]

[purpleshellfish]

[purpleshellfish]

24.

so it has been exactly 23 days after I turned 24. and i’ve been crying the past week for what happened. maybe because of my own stubbornness, i might missed one great romance that i really need in my life. it’s fucking lonely but i just don’t want to do relationships with someone who reminds me of my own father. mom said to me hundreds of times to let him go. he’s a jerk and men out there are just not as bad as him but so many people, SO MANY PEOPLE, said he’s not worth it. the men that told me to lose weight for them to be able to date me is ridiculous. do not waste time with those men. but dude, it’s so lonely out here. i know i haven’t been posting a lot and when i post, it’s always about the depressing stuff because well... i don’t really ever feel truly happy anyway. these little things bother me and it shouldn’t. these men shouldn’t have bothered me. i should’ve focus on myself. on getting a job to ease the burden, on being better for myself.

but i’m exactly lost here. i don’t know what to do. i don’t have the confidence to expose myself out there. well, at least not yet. i’m losing weight but it’s not going fast. and i’m stressed out because i feel like i’m stuck. i don’t know what i’m stuck at; either this class privilege that people has been teaching me since i was a tiny little kid or maybe because i can’t believe in myself enough. maybe i don’t have that perseverance people have been shouting about.

it’s pissing me off. this whole ordeal of me not being able to move on because i don’t have enough money, enough education, enough jest to be able to achieve at least ‘something’.

i want to learn to be positive. but with all these circumstances, it’s weird to even want to be positive. someone help me.

[purpleshellfish]

notes on high school boys

I need to pen this out here.

I think I understand why I preferred not having any romantic relationships with my own friends from high school and/or university. After screaming at the screen for more than 10 minutes straight on looking at handsome Asian men dancing their way up to my heart and eyes, I got this epiphany at 2 AM.

The reason why I tend to avoid them is because I can’t see them as men. I can not see how they’re going to grow. We’re at 24 years of life, isn’t it time to have a mind of your own instead of this pressure of being a ‘man’ in a society that is dying because of progress and education?

I can’t believe my ears nowadays when my own friends who are men said to me, ‘that’s just how men are supposed to be like, we, men, have to graduate university and education is not that important for the ladies’. How can they impose a rule that does not make sense? Haven’t they seen how hard money comes by these days? These privileges that they’ve been taught upon, haven’t they read enough books to understand it does not work like that anymore? ‘Well -- it still does because we don’t live in a Western world, it’s not how women are supposed to be’. Don’t you sound freaking ridiculous?

The other day, I have a boy who I suspected had a crush on me because he’s been hiding himself under these mean jokes. He’d tell me I’m fat and thus illegible to date, but then his friend hacked his phone to ask me how I was doing. Then the next day when I saw him, I said that he said I was too fat for him, he then said ‘don’t be too sensitive’. Haven’t him realised just how stupid he sound? Why can’t you just be honest to yourself? Why do have to hide behind these mean jokes just to appear masculine?

With so much progress in social media and how some humans present themselves as genderless, does this society’s rules of masculinity still relevant? Don’t you have your own definition of self worth? Bring yourself to grow out of your 17-year-old self, we all need respect and reassurance. You’ve just reassured me you’re not worth my time.

I can understand the need of having good connections for future endeavours by hanging out with the fame and all but you’re you, if you’re uncomfortable, say so. If you like something, say so, don’t say demeaning things just to get attention.

People kept asking me why I don’t have a boyfriend. How can I?

[purpleshellfish]

achievements.

So I had some bad days this week where I woke up asking myself why I’m still here. I wrote this post to admire what I’ve achieved this year and resolving what to do next.

I opened Snapchat again today! And I saw my posts from last year where I haven’t been introduced with skincare and shaving one’s lady moustache. And back when I have no one to workout with and was terribly lonely every single time.

I’m really proud of myself this year. I did gained a lot of weight earlier this year with binging on foods 24/7, eating over 1,800 calories every single day. And even though I’ve been telling the story on how I discovered Benton, my first ever try on skincare that really, really works and led me down to this addiction, and how I recovered from acne scars, developing better and healthier skin. It was on March 2017 and in December 2017, I’ve felt that I love myself a whole lot better -- I worked hard for it, being patient on doing to routine over and over again until I actually fell in love with all of it, and getting the results.

Right now I’m working on my body and overall health. I’ve just renewed my CrossFit gym membership and after class today, my body is begging for sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well because of all the laziness and too many brunches and dinners with friends for Christmas and birthdays. I discovered CrossFit is the only thing that can make me sleep everyday. So I scheduled my days to go again, I’m actually addicted, it’s crazy. I also feel that by discovering this CrossFit community, I finally felt comfortable in my own skin. Most of them have the same views as me regarding to health, taste in books, and movies. I gained whole lot more friends who love to exercise and eat good food together!

Even though this year I also had to temporarily close my online shop that sells okay, I found another thing that I think would sell well in a market with no one currently selling them. It’s been a shitty year for overall humans, but this year is the year where I discover things and trying them out, going out of my mental comfort zone, and achieving things that I never knew possible. It’s like figuring puzzles out, I haven’t figured out some things yet but some finally fit.

Hopefully 2018 will be a year of me learning, more figuring things out, and developing. Especially in love. There were a couple of guys that are interested in me but I didn’t know how to talk to them so I had to back off. For now.

Cheers to 2018. <3

[purpleshellfish]

00.17

I’ve been thinking again lately. Am I really a good for nothing person? Mom said that I’m lazy and don’t really want to get a job. When I see my life right now, half-assed going to classes, not paying attention since the lecturer is shitty and can’t understand a single word she fucking said, and don’t even have any part time jobs, my online shop tanked and I just don’t have enough grit to build a new one again.

I know I’m lazy. But I don’t want to be homeless. And I don’t want to depend on mom anymore. I want a job. I want security. Love is not in my brain right now. I’m in my 20s and all my dreams don’t make sense anymore.

When I realize I don’t know what I’ll do after graduating college, it scares the shit out of me. I really don’t know anything. Reading all those books don’t make me smart, watching all those people don’t make me experienced. What does? Most of my friends who graduated are either married, struggling in a job, and/or still asking mom for money. I want to be ‘struggling in a job’ criteria. That is incredible in an age like this to be struggling and moving forward. Struggle is good as long as you know what to see in the near future. I don’t know what to see anymore.

Life is freaking me out. I don’t want help and I want to figure this out somehow. My future is just like a jumble of grey. Hope is totally fading since I don’t know what to hope for anymore.

[purpleshellfish]

turmoil.

My living conditions are in a turmoil yet again. Since no one is working, we’re basically eating all the assets off. Well dad is working but hardly working, no good money coming in, only barely manageable. Even then he’s still trying to rip mom off her own money. Mom’s not working at all and even if I wanted to quit school, I won’t get any job. Any decent job. I know everyone would say don’t quit, stay in school but as of right now, we barely have enough money to hold on. I have no where to turn to, have no one to ask money to. I know in my age I’m supposed to be working and I really want to quit school to just get a job but every door is closed on me. I’m still lost on how I’ll get money. I have no experience, no talent. I don’t know what to do. I seriously don’t know how I’ll manage to live to the next month.

I’ll try looking something online. Any job would do for now.

[purpleshellfish]

july 19 2017

To The Bone movie was great. I love how shitty life could be and people aren’t going to come out of the hell hole. That is the ultimate truth. No matter how hard you try, life’s hard and it’s going to get harder. While watching it, I came up with my own resolutions too.

I’ve been reflecting on the couple of men who had the intention to approach me. And why I kept turning them down. They were perfect male human beings with decent backgrounds and decent jobs. Why not them Cherry?

Because I actually liked them. I really liked them and I don’t have the heart to hurt them. The ones that liked me were decent people (except for that black phony of a dude, should’ve said yes and break him off because he’s a real fucking asshole, oh wait the other one is also a asshole but he’s kinda better than the first one). I want to be that perfect girlfriend who never asked for anything, who always said yes and give advice just like a good wife would be and then when I break them off, they have nothing to spare on me. I have every nooks and crannies about how bad of a man they are. You know what the third guy said before he asked me if he could dropped me home that night? He said “if she (me) could lose weight, I’d date her”. And then he still got the nerve to give me a ride home. So I knew, from the start, that no, he didn’t fall for who I am. He’d fall for me on how I’d look like if I’d lose weight.

I know I’d be hot. I know I’d one of the most beautiful girls out there. I will be. But, dude, it’s not going to be you. I want to lose weight not because of a guy, that’s bullshit. I’m dropping weights so I could look good, feel good, love life, and love the art I’m going to make by expressing myself through fashion and my body.

But in the other hand. It’s lonely. It’s really lonely and I really want to have a boyfriend. These guys... Are they even men? I just don’t get men. I don’t get how simple they could be. I just don’t. 

[purpleshellfish]

july 8, 2017.

Here’s my two cents on how Wedding Night, a book by Sophie Kinsella, completely destroyed my image on how relationships work. Predicting what each other is thinking is fucked up, she should’ve just asked on how the relationship is progressing. You’re both adults just get on with it, they’re spoken words goddamit! I like Richard very much. Only on its first 30 pages though. Haven’t have the strength to go on to its next chapter. This is ridiculous.

OK. I have never been in a relationship. But I swear to God I will always speak my mind on my emotions and everything. I don’t sugarcoat and I won’t hide what I’m feeling anyway. 

Oh and I went out with mom and her friend today. Her friend, let’s just call her F, is... weird. She likes cheap clothes and can’t wear them ‘well’ - meaning, the coordination, color, everything is off. I have been restricting to point something out but it’s totally not my place to. 

Bought a new iPhone charging cable. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with the fake ones. I mean, it could never charge my iPhone properly. I’ve been going through 3 fake cables and none would charge my iPhones without making a fuss. So I decided to buy the 300k one. it works so great and it has 2-year warranty. Ain’t that sumthin’.

Oh and my diet is not in such a dump today. Had rice and rawon soup with fried tempe for breakfast, banana protein pancakes for lunch, and salad + chicken katsu for dinner. I’d say it’s a good day for that, no?

I’m actually pretty nervous about this whole Japan thing. What if I don’t have enough money to stay in there for 2 weeks? What if Ricky bailed on us and won’t give us tickets? What if the Airbnb is not what we think it’d be? So much worry over this whole thing. 

And also about Korea on November. i booked for 2-week trip but mom adamant for us to go for just 1-week trip. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to stay for 2 weeks. We could just eat ramyeon for the rest 1-week anyway. She’s thinking that Korea is super expensive. Well, yeah it’s more expensive than this city but it’s not THAT expensive to begin with. We could always figure out a way to cook by ourselves and stuff. I really want too have fun this year, is that too much to ask?

Let’s have positive thoughts!

Oh and I’m back for CrossFit next week! I know it won’t be much for Japan but hey I’m working on it. I really want that body back. I want to have photoshoots, I want to have more art about myself in my Instagram. So that I could be fucking proud of it. Please, oh, please self, let’s get it back together. Let’s mind our eating and be motivated.

[purpleshellfish]

july 7, 2017.

I should’ve started writing days ago. A lot of things are happening in my life that I need to talk about. Trivial, very, but still fascinating to experience. As the first episode of Sex & The City playing in my ear since my mom is sleeping and I don’t want to disturb her, this show is so friggin outdated. Models and mortals? Fucking Bing Crosby? Nice. 

My back is rounded nowadays, has to make a habit of straightening it while sitting down.

OK. So... damn it, i forgot.

Oh yeah. I downloaded like 10 visual romance games/stories/novels/whatever the fuck its called as me being the most pathetic woman alive. I’m not even good in these. Can’t get leveled up fast enough. I love the drawing and the concept of the samurais/ninjas the antique art of them. But story-wise, so fucked up lovey-dovey that I almost just threw them all away.

Been sick the whole week and it fucking suck, My plans of losing weight before Japan gone down the drain. Three more weeks to that and I’m not going to give up. I want to stop bitching ot of not being able to do anything.

Yesterday I was showing off the skinny me and my friend suggested implementing this NLP-something to get what i want. To reason with myself why I do the things I do. I’ve done this myself in the past. And the most comforting reason I could find rather than for the sake of society’s acceptance is my own self-confidence. I needed my own legit proof back. Even if I want to lie to myself that I could love myself this way. I still don’t. I want that body back. It’s pretty, I get to wear pretty clothes and I get to be beautiful for me, for my own sake. I love that privilege: loving your own self. I get to dress up the way i want, I get to photograph myself in pretty stuff that i could express myself. Having that fit body made me feel like i got everything together.

He told me to came up with at least 5 reasons for the why. So okay. One, self-confidence. Two, self-love. Three, acceptance. Four, self-expression. Five, art.

i think I’ll end it here. Focusing on episode 3 Sex & The City. This show is really something. I can feel that I’ll learn a lot about love and marriage from this. Though a lot info are outdated.

[purpleshellfish]

vent.

I’m stuck in this whirlwind at such a current.

i can’t deal at how motionless my mother seems to be: doesn’t want to get a decent job, ended up stressed out about it, and wanting bigger profits on blurry deals. At her point of life, she felt that she’s entitled to a bigger profit with less leg work. But what work had she done? Ever? She doesn’t have a business, let alone an experience of work in any field but home-sitting, food-planning, and full on educating her wannabes. Her money is running out and people kept on embezzling her. I’m afraid that if I told her to get a job, she’d be mad and demanded me to get a job and stop school. But then the next day she wouldn’t want me to stop school since we’ve already paid for it. I want to get a job; I really do. These days jobs requires me being a undergrad. I only have my high school diploma. Starbucks? I don’t have time anymore, I’m doing two majors at once right now. Tutoring? Sure, if only the students would love to go to my house. I can only do so much.

This is something I can’t handle alone. I don’t want to think about it but since I’m very dependent on her, this problem makes it mine too. I have to get a job but I don’t know what. Online shop? Doing it and business is slow. Vlogging? Sure, still taking process. 

Please someone help me. Give me a solution. This is out of my hands. I’m fucking worried and it’s killing myself. 

[purpleshellfish]

dream #1

I just dreamt of him last night. I was on my bed playing my phone and he suddenly came over and slept next to me. I felt like we're in some kind of weird variety show where we were fake newlyweds (exactly just like WGM) and had to sleep together because of the circumstances, so he slept uncomfortably next to me, as if afraid that he might make me uncomfortable. And then I went to sleep next to him without saying anything, I just kept smiling until I fell asleep. And that's when I woke up. HELP ME. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. HE'S EVEN IN MY DREAMS. WHAT THE FUCK.