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[quaymorris]

Album: Glory

Release Date: August 26, 2016

Another album cover, another Britney face shot. Aptly titled since it’s a close return to her former glory, at least musically and lyrically. It had been 5 years since her last top ten hit and a chart topping album (Femme Fatale for both). This album didn’t accomplish either, but everyone liked the sound much better!

She also met her current super hot young boyfriend on the set of one of the music videos off this album. Go look at his Instagram, I’ll wait. Rawr.

This is the third potential contender for Britney’s Holy Trinity.

Time for Britney to serve us greatness again!

Pretty Girls | 5 /10

*sigh* I don't hate this song, but it's not good. My boyfriend, however, LOVES this song. Mr. Rock Music Only would not stop singing it when it first came out. He called it a perfect bubblegum pop song so I'll just agree with him on this.

Also, this one wasn’t on Glory, thank god, but it was released during this era. 

Tom's Diner | 8 /10

Fun fact: Britney never finished recording this cover with Giorgio Moroder. He gave interviews noting that she was probably busy. Let me show you what she was actually doing. 

Yes, she was in Hawaii on vacation, far from the studio.

Another fun fact: She recently revealed that she forgot she covered it and she actually texted her manager saying this would be a fun song to cover.

Also not on this album but from this era.

Invitation | 7 /10

I don't know if this made the *best* album opener, but I really enjoy it regardless. That falsetto - yes ma'am! And the lyrics are so subtly sexy: Yes or no, but no maybes / Not gonna beg so don't make me 🎶 ...  I'm wet.

Do You Wanna Come Over? | 6 /10

Even though I don't really like it, I have to admit it's catchy and, considering the Spotify numbers, the GP probably would've pushed this up the charts if it had been released as a proper single + video.

Make Me | 5 /10

I go back and forth on this song. When I haven't listened to it in a while, I'm convinced it's perfect, but a few more listens convinces me it's not. It definitely sets the mood for the album and what she was trying to achieve, but 1) G-Eazy does absolutely nothing for this song and didn't need to be there and 2) It's really hard to understand what she's singing. If you're going to release a single to the GP, a damn lead single, maybe make it a song that's easy for them to understand and sing along to.

Private Show | 5.5 /10

This had to grow on me. The chipmunk voice is a little grating. But it's fun! I love the way she says "work it, work it, boy watch me work it!"

Man On The Moon | 6 /10

Oooh, more bubblegum pop. I can't decide if I think this song is good or just corny af. Lyrics are pretty solid.

Just Luv Me | 7.5 /10

Should've been a single. Maybe not lead, but it's a better r&b-styled effort than Make Me is. Her voice sounds better on this one as well.

Clumsy | 5 /10

Oops! Ok, talk about basic club music lmao. But I LOVE how catchy it is! Probably shouldn't have been a teaser single, though ... it's not that strong of a song. 

Slumber Party | 8 /10

THIS would've been better as the lead single than Make Me. But I also believe it’s a terrible second single. Also also this did not need a remix with Tinashe. Better promo would've propelled this further up the charts imo because that video is muy caliente. I love her deeper/half moaning vocals.

Peep the video to see her lick milk up in front of her man. Rawr.

Just Like Me | 6.5 /10

The lyrics aren't very convincing to me, but the slowed down chorus gives the song a little more depth. It's also sort of forgettable, though.

Love Me Down | 9 /10

One of the best tracks on the album tbh. The way she sings lo-lo-lo-lo-love me is instantly iconic and classic Brit. The half spoken/half sung nature is fucking flawless, too.

Hard To Forget Ya | 2 /10

It's not hard to forget this fucking song, though. The chorus sinks what could be a masterpiece. The verses are excellent!

What You Need | 7.5/10

In spite of my better senses, I do like this song. I'll always maintain that her voice is too thin to pull off what could be a masterpiece of a fucking song, but that doesn't stop it from being pretty damn good. The way she plays with the words when she sings is unmatched.

Better | 6.5 /10

It's good! But it sounds too much like Justin Bieber-style and not Britney Spears, the legend-style. You could put anyone on this song (JB, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, especially Selena Gomez) and it would work.

Change Your Mind | 10 /10

This is the best song on the album, bar none. Should've been a standard edition song AND a single. This is the lead single Britney needed. It capitalizes on some of the trends currently out there, but with a twist. A Britney twist.    

Liar | 7 /10

This is probably the most radio friendly song on the album. I think the GP would've eaten it up, albeit it would've enjoyed a very temporary existence. But Spotify numbers don't lie ...

If I'm Dancing | 9 /10

I wish she would make a whole album of songs like this. It feels so transcendental and exotic, a sound Britney hasn't really explored before. I don't really know wtf the lyrics mean, but I'm still here for it.

Coupure Electrique | 8 /10

I was slightly disappointed when she announced there was a track called Blackout and then it turned out to be this. Don't get me wrong, it's a great song, but the French is ... nonsensical.

Mood Ring | 9 /10

If she wanted a moody first single, move this up to the standard edition and release it. The production, lyrics, everything about it puts Make Me to shame.

Slumber Party (ft. Tinashe) | 7 /10

Even though the song is essentially the same, I'm dropping a star from the original because Tinashe brought nothing to it. They need to stop trying to make Tinashe happen.

L E A K E D  V I D E O

There have (so far) been no leaked songs from this era, but it had its own controversy in the form of a music video. Britney teased a video for the lead single Make Me, which is entirely different from the one we actually got. There’s a whole convoluted story behind that. Anyhoo, I’ll let you decide if it’s good or not (spoiler alert: it’s not), but this shit riled up the fandom.

God, G-Eazy makes me want to gag.

[quaymorris]

Album: Britney Jean

Release Date: November 29, 2013

This album is a heaping load of YIKES. Billed as her most personal album to date, the first promo single was, ahem - Work Bitch. 

And then there are the vocals. Like many in the Britney Army, I don’t think she’s singing on a lot of these songs. I don’t mean that I think she laid some vocals and they just got processed to shit. I mean that I don’t think she ever at any point went into the studio to record some of these. Which is sad. When you see me reference Myah Marie, it’s a former backup singer for Britney who is able to mimic her voice pretty well. Plenty in the Army try to pretend this whole album and era don’t exist.

Also, will.i.am produced this album and we don’t like him anymore, mmkay?

Let’s glide.

Alien | 10 /10

This song is the shit, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's one of the best songs of her career tbh. Who knew dance songs could be so sad?

But that fucking glitch ... fuck will.i.am.

Work Bitch | 7 /10 

This one had to grow on me. It felt like it was pandering to the gay community when it first came out (and it sort of, really, definitely is). But play this in a club setting and watch everyone get up to werk, bitch.

Perfume | 6 /10

This song is as basic as everyone feels, but imo it's not as bad as everyone feels. It's a solid, middle-of-the-road effort. A sickly sweet ballad about misplaced trust and love. It's fine.

It Should Be Easy | 5 /10

This song is good up until the chorus then it just gets wacky and unnecessarily EDM-ish. Fucking, will.i.am ...

Tik Tik Boom | 8 /10

Ok, sue me, but I love this song! But the production is fucking A W F U L. Why are T.I.’s vocals so low?? They’re pretty much buried under the beat. Why is Britney being drowned out on the chorus?? This could've been a decent club banger, if not for all of its shortcomings.

Body Ache | 8.5 /10

Another one for the queens in the club. The lyrics leave something (a lot) to be desired, but if you keep your head down and just dance, it's gonna be ok.

Til It's Gone | 3 /10

What is with the annoyingly repetitive nature of the choruses on this album??? And while vocal distortion worked to her favor on past albums, on BJ it just sucks (bad pun intended).

Passenger | 6 /10

Passenger would be an 8, 8.5 if I didn't believe that Myah Marie was singing large parts (all) of it. And that blows because this is a good (godly) song.

Chillin' With You | 1 /10

This should've never happened. 1 star because it's a duet with her sister, but this song should've NEVER happened.

Don't Cry | 6 /10

One of her better ballads. It's simple but heartfelt and for the most part her vocals were left alone (because will.i.am has no fucking clue what he's doing).

Brightest Morning Star | 1 /10

It's too corny for me to take it seriously. It truly sounds like a basic ballad that would fit in on her (or anyone else's) debut album, not for a legend.

Hold On Tight | 8 /10

For the most part, the ballads on this album were rather solid. This is one of the actual personal songs and it's pretty well done. I think it should've been a single to back up her "this is my most personal album to date" statements. I think it would've done well.

Now That I Found You | 7 /10

One of the few well done/produced albums on the record. The chorus with its lack of words actually works here! It's another great dance affair from Miss Britney Jean.

Ooh La La | 6 /10 

This song is cute and it served its purpose. Plus, the video featured her adorable boys! It wasn’t on this album, but same era so whatever.

[quaymorris]

Album: Femme Fatale

Release Date: March 25, 2011.

Femme Fatale. Flawless Fatale. The beginning of Robotney, or current-ish day Britney. Whatever, I consider this to be the third in the Holy Trinity, but this is where it’s up for debate (as mentioned with Circus). The fanbase is torn on this album. It seems to inspire strong feelings in either direction. Like I said, I love it. It is my favorite Britney album.

This is her sixth album to debut at #1 and the only one to have 3 top ten hits (I know, seems odd). She looked dead inside the entire damn tour, but I honestly just don’t watch those videos.

Robotney incoming!

Till The World Ends | 11 /10

Here it is. My ultimate Britney song. THE greatest song in her repertoire. This is THE perfect club song. I know not because I go to clubs, but because around the time this came out I had friends telling me how often they heard it in the clubs and how much they LOVED it. Catchy chorus + electropop dance beat + Britney = winner winner chicken dinner every time.

The fact that it wasn’t even nominated for a Grammy is the greatest tragedy of our generation.

Hold It Against Me | 8.5 /10

Only Britney could string together a series of hook up one-liners and turn it into a #1 chart smasher. WHO HAD A GREATER INFLUENCE ON DUBSTEP ENTERING MAINSTREAM. WHO ELSE WAS DROPPING BANGERS LIKE THIS IN 2011. NO ONE THAT'S WHO. THESE ARE NOT QUESTIONS, BUT DECLARATIONS OF THE KWEEN'S ALMIGHTY POWER.

Inside Out | 9 /10

#ShouldveBeenASingle #Justice4InsideOut This is Showdown's sexier young sister and it does it even better.

I Wanna Go | 7 /10

Unlike TTWE, the chorus of this song starts to irritate me rather quickly, but I do love me some Britney clapbacks and the bitch delivers again.

How I Roll | 9.5 /10

I am *obsessed* with this song. It's so airy and cheery and fun. And I so pretend she's singing "You can be my fuck tonight ... " because she should be. The hiccup-y beat is just - *chef’s kiss*

(Drop Dead) Beautiful | 6 /10

Simultaneously the highlight of Sabi's career and the finale of Sabi's "career."

Seal It With A Kiss | 8.5 /10

So much dubstep in this album, Dr. Puke does it well. Illicit love is the most exciting kind and that subject matter over a playful beat gives us a nearly perfect Britney Spears song. Flawless Fatale continues.

Big Fat Bass | 1 /10

And right after I called the album flawless. Sigh - This song is bad and will.i.am should feel bad.

Trouble For Me | 7 /10

I love the earnestness I hear in her voice whenever I listen to this song. She's simultaneously begging for and trying to avoid the danger that she knows awaits her. The distortion of her vocals turns the dial up on that tug of war even more, making it sexy af.

Trip To Your Heart | 9 /10

I call this Heaven On Earth's tamer cousin, but it's still a fairly flawless track. The throaty vocals she gives us on certain lines give a raw edge to a rather upbeat, pop-y song.

Gasoline | 6.5 /10

Spark! And it's like gas-o-line! Ok, so they're not the *best* lyrics lol, but you can't deny that this song is catchy af. 

Criminal | 7 /10

Solid song, but it should not have been the third single imo. That video is extra hot, though. Too bad it features her (super hot) loser ex, though.

Up 'N' Down | 8.5 /10

This song could've easily been on the standard edition, replacing, I don't know, Gasoline?!?! I'm glad it's at least on the bonus tracks.

He About To Lose Me | 8.5 /10

Some more illicit love from Miss Spears. We have our theme: dancing, illicit sex, and ... more sex. This is better than Criminal and should've replaced it on the standard edition.

Selfish | 9 /10

Britney takes control and we're all just along for the ride. Count me as here for it slay me Kween.

Don't Keep Me Waiting | 7 /10

If this doesn't scream 90s punk rock pop ... I love how LOUD the chorus gets. It's very in your face on an otherwise straight forward song.

Scary | 8 /10

Sort of like Blackout, the bonus tracks could've replaced certain songs on the standard edition (Criminal, Gasoline, Big Fat Bass, Drop Dead - bye bye losers). This could've also worked as a strong single. It's upbeat and would work perfectly in clubs. And she actually wrote this one so ...

Till The World Ends (Remix) | 8/10

Not as good as the original, but Kesha's slays them vocals on the chorus and Nicki Minaj doesn't get *too* weird thank god.

U N R E L E A S E D  | L E A K E D  T R A C K S

Pleasure You

8.5 /10 without Don Philip, -1,050 / 10 with Don Philip

Sigh, here’s this fucker again. The rumor is that she didn’t actually record this song with him. It was already decided that it wouldn’t be used when Don fucking Philip somehow got his hands on it and added his ... “vocals.”

This person needs to accept that he can't sing, won't ever have a singing career, and move the fuck on. Anyways ... this song, when finished up, probably would've been quite nice, but it's a rough listen right now and hard to judge. ESPECIALLY WITH MR. DON'S AWFUL VOCALS ON IT. Gross - I refuse to believe she would've recorded another song with him.

Unbroken | 9 /10 COMMENTARY: I like this song. A lot. I don't mind her obviously heavily auto-tuned vocals and it's pretty much straightforward pop. That being said, it didn't really fit the album for me. Would've love it to be released as a single regardless.

Burning Up | 2 /10

Eh. It's a decent enough cover, but see all my other comments about Britney's covers.

[quaymorris]

Album: Circus

Release Date: November 28, 2008.

This is where the completion of the Holy Trinity gets fuzzy. Some considered this to be the third part. I think that’s a gotdamn lie and they know it.

This album is considered to be her official comeback, which is weird because she didn’t go anywhere. Sure, she was off in rehab for a minute and now she’s under a weird conservatorship, but like, this album came out about a year after all that. Blackout and its singles charted fairly well and this album did even better. So I don’t get that “comeback” nonsense.

Circus is Britney’s fifth #1 album and isn’t nearly as tight as Blackout, but it’s a valiant effort nonetheless.

Time to go to the circus!

Womanizer | 8 /10

This is probably her best lead single of them all. If Toxic had been a lead single off the In The Zone album, it would've won easily - but it wasn't so Womanizer takes the throne. This follow-up to Toxic doesn't hit as hard as I want it to, but it's fun enough and the video is hot. What a comeback.

Circus | 9 /10

This is one of my favorite songs ever and is an absolutely amazing pop production. As you can probably tell by now, I love it when Britney demands all eyes on her. Just when I thought Brit might be done with the music industry forever (or turn up dead tbh), she dropped one of the best songs of her career.

Out From Under | 7.5 /10

This song doesn't get enough praise. She was angry about the end of her marriage to K. Fed on Blackout, but with this album she comes across as more introspective. Sad but in a "I'm moving on" kind of way. I also love them breathy vocals. 

Kill The Lights | 6.5 /10

This is a follow-up to Break The Ice and it isn’t nearly as good, but it’s a solid effort nonetheless. Also we got another weird animated music video. Anyways, remember the controversy over Danja declaring her the "queen of pop"? Madonna fans and music critics nearly lost their collective minds. This song gets an extra .5 for the opening + first verse alone: You don’t like me / I don’t like you / It don’t matter / only difference / you still listen / I don't hafta. Tell em, queen!

Shattered Glass | 6 /10

A lot of people say this song sounds unfinished. I get it, but I like this track. In fact it was the first non-single song I was into. That being said, looking back at it now it is a fairly generic pop song.

If U Seek Amy | 6.5/10

This song is a little try-hard for me. I never found the double entendre to be amusing at all. Otherwise I think it's a good song. The music video gives its rating an extra boost tbh.

Unusual You | 9 /10

This is one of the best songs of Britney's career. Cardi B agrees. Another one I heard while working a mall job, I could listen to an album full of songs like this from her all day. The production and vocal effects are ingenious. Synthesizing overload, but in a very, very good way.

Blur | 7.5 /10 

I love it when Britney sings about hook up sex. It's never too slutty sounding - in fact, the lyrics and her delivery make the story mimic real life situations imo.

Mmm Papi | 5 /10

What was the theme to this album? It was supposed to be a circus or something, right? I think that's one of the reasons this never made my top 3, ESPECIALLY after Flawless Fatale was released. This song is a bit of a bop, though.

Mannequin | 5 /10

Eh. I mean, what is this seriously? This isn’t terrible (and honestly it grows on me with each listen), but we're definitely getting into my least favorite part of the album. 

Lace And Leather | 5.5 /10

I think Freakshow did this whole thing better, but this one’s cute. One thing that irritates me is the baby voice. I've never been a big fan of it once she wasn't, ya know, a child anymore.

My Baby | 2 /10

I'm only giving this a 2 because she wrote it for her babies, but we all know this is a really bad song, right?

Rock Me In | 7 /10

This song is the direction Circus the album should've taken. After the gritty darkness of Blackout, some lightheartedness would've been understood. The rock influence and spacey vocals make this song an easy listen, in a good way.

Phonography | 6.5 /10

How are the bonus tracks more cohesive than the standard edition songs? I think this is a good transition from RMI and her voice sounds so clean! I love the tricks producers do with her voice, but my favorite is still hearing Britney.

Trouble | 7.5 /10

I miss when she sang like this. It just sounds so easy and relaxed. Once again bonus tracks >>> main songs. This sounds like it has some Janet Jackson influence - it's both dance club ready and perfect for listening to in the car.

Amnesia | 4.5 /10

This doesn't sit with the best of the bonus tracks, but it's not terrible. She sings like her voice is stuck in that weird high register and it just sounds fake and forced to me.

Quicksand | 6 /10

This song reminds me so much of another one I've heard, but I can't place it and it's driving me crazy! I'm not as big of a ballad fan as others may be so I love 'love' songs set to a hype beat like this one.

Rock Boy | 2 /10

Now this is a forgettable song, bonus or not. It's just so flat and uninspired.

3 | 8 /10

This song is actually on her second greatest hits compilation, but it sits just as well here.

Usually songs that are as blatant as this one don't really work for me, but this is a bop. The moans work well to take the sexiness to the limit. And she looked hot af in the music video. Another chart topper for Queen Spears! Also, watch the music video. 

U N R E L E A S E D |  L E A K E D  T R A C K S

Strangest Love | 5.5/10

This isn't bad. I would say it doesn't fit the album, but since I don't know wtf she was going for on Circus, this could probably scoot right in between Blur and Mmm Papi just fine.

Abroad |  3.5 /10

This is a bit better than Rock Boy and I think could've replaced it on the bonus tracks, easily. The steady strumming from the guitar gives a softness to the beat and her voice sounds like a throwback to the vocals all over late 90s/early 2000s pop music.

Everyday | 6 /10

Now this one sounds very close to Xtina's Beautiful, which isn't a bad thing. It's one of the best ballads Britney's ever done and it definitely should've been on an album somewhere! I don't think it fits Circus, though. Those vocals - those practically untouched, not auto-tuned af vocals!

Dangerous | 2 /10

Another fairly forgettable pop rock song. Unreleased status deserved.

This Kiss | 5 /10

About the only thing I don't like on this are the vocals. Her voice sounds shaky and unnatural. Is it some vocal effect? It sounds pretty terrible. But this isn't a bad song!

Telephone | 7 /10 Lady Gaga wishes tbh. Those exaggerated vocal effects fucking make this. Idk why she gave up this song.

[quaymorris]

Album: Blackout

Release Date: October 30, 2007

You may have noticed by now that all of her album covers are just shots of her face, which honestly - iconic.

Blackout is album #2 in Britney’s Holy Trinity for most of the fans. What to say about this album? You are to be slightly forgiven if you don’t remember this album since this was the era where she gaveherworstperformanceeverdivorcedkfedshavedherheadwashospitalizedthriceandlostcustodyofherkids. 2007 was a YEAR in pop culture, kids (see: the Britney-Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan trio, the iPhone debut, Mad Men premiering, the Sopranos ending, Anna Nicole Smith dying, Naomi Campbell’s instantly iconic photos of her leaving jail in Dolce & Gabbana). I feel bad for the girls who slept through it.

I implore you, if you are a pop fan and haven’t listened to this album, GO. LISTEN. TO. IT. NOW. This album shaped the sound of pop for years to come, most clearly heard in Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, and the like. Its legacy during that decade is unmatched. It’s in the Rock-&-Roll Hall of Fame for crying out loud! This is the album that gave her Godney legendary status.

Its brilliance was overlooked when it was released (I mean, there was a lot going on with Britney), but it’s rightfully considered genius work now.

I’m fucking sweating - let’s get into this.

Gimme More | 9 /10

Name a better opening song on a Britney album than this one. I'll wait. From the iconic "It's Britney, bitch" to the dark, moody beat and foreboding lyrics, this song is damn near perfect. Y’all should see the clips from the music video we *almost* got.

Piece Of Me | 7/10

I like this clapback to the media, even more than its predecessor, Overprotected. Bloodshy and Avant did that with this song. It's attitude on a pop track, which is so Britney. BRITNEY WAS SICK OF ALL OF OUR SHIT.

Radar | 4.5/10

This song is weird. The music video is creepy. I find the background effects to be irritating af, but I will admit that it's catchy - once you hear it, it's hard to forget it.

Break The Ice | 8.5 /10

Brit literally had two songs that could've been openers on this album, and this was the other. It's been awhile ... Yes it had, and Britney came through with an album that smacked us all in the face and forced us to say uncle. Shitty music video aside, this song starts off strong and never lets you down. She tells us in the song that she wants to warm us up and I’m telling you, we 👏🏾 ain’t 👏🏾 fucking 👏🏾 ready 👏🏾!

Heaven On Earth | 8 /10

I LOVE this song. So much more romantic than many of her ballads, imo. A fantasy song set to a pulsing electro-beat - can we go back to 2007, please? 

Get Naked | 8.5 /10

The part of the album where Britney starts to turn up the heat. Y’all, we are about to get fucked and we will like it. First time I heard this song I went, "Damn girl!" I know some hated Danja's vocals on this, but I loved it. Him and Britney playing off of each other worked so well to create a sexy dark theme.

Freakshow | 7/10

This one had to grow on me, but I do love the double entendre of "watching Britney perform." She really was a tease this whole damn album. Also when she performs this song now, she puts a man on a lease and spanks him as she walks him. LEGENDARY.

Toy Soldier | 7.5/10

Nasally voice aside, this song is dank as shit. It's all, "hahaha FUCK YOU KEVIN" - even if she doesn't want to admit it. I wish she'd add this to her Las Vegas show, Piece Of Me.

Just so we’re clear, at this point in the album Britney is horny, angry, and ready to go dancing before she goes home to her man’s dick. Which means we are also all of those things. Ok, let’s continue.

Hot As Ice | 8 /10

You’d be forgiven if you feel like you need a break to catch your breath, but Britney is not ready to get off our necks. This was the first song I was obsessed with on this album. She saw the throne and ascended, claiming her rightful place as pop's princess. 🎶"Living legend, you can look but don't touch!"🎶

Ooh Ooh Baby | 8 /10

We're nearing the end of the album and Britney shows no intention of slowing down. I am tired. My body is worn out. I can’t dance or fuck anymore. Britney, I am TIRED. And now she’s telling the listener how she wants her man to touch her so she can come alive. TIRED, MISS SPEARS, TIRED.

I know I said Britney had previous albums that radiated sex, but this album is SEX. And love. And "fuck yous."

Perfect Lover | 8.5 /10

I want to play this song at my wedding, but it may not be appropriate before my parents. So maybe my honeymoon. 🎶Every time you touch me there, you make me feel so hot.🎶

Why Should I Be Sad | 7 /10

You shouldn't be Britney because you had two wonderful boys, an exploding career - oh, and just the best damn pop album of the decade. I think this is the weakest of the songs she recorded with Pharrell, and it's still pretty damn good.

Everybody | 6.5/10

This is a nice club banger. I think the bonus track status it has is the most it deserves, but it's a nice take on the original.

Get Back | 7 /10

Attitudeney is back! Britney ain't letting up on telling y'all how hot she is and that y'all can't handle it! *spirit fingers*

Outta This World | 8 /10

This bonus track was only released on the Japanese version of this album. I paid way too much to get a second copy of Blackout, the Japanese version, just for this one fucking song. It like doesn’t even fit the album theme at all, but it’s just so damn good!

U N R E L E A S E D  |  L E A K E D  T R A C K S

911 | 2 /10

This is one of only two songs from this era that I am just not feeling. The beeping sound when she sings 9-1-1 is grating af. I'm glad this one was scrapped.

All That She Wants | 5/10 Nice cover. Decent cover, I should say. I gave it a 5 only because you can hear the anguish in her voice as she sings. She was going through some shit, y'all. This song was half directed at her dad, too (remember, this is the era of the conservatorship happening). Otherwise, this deserves its unreleased status.

Baby Boy | 6 /10

You know my favorite slow songs by her are the ones where I feel like I can feel her emotions, all the sadness she's feeling. Britney had been hurt by boyfriends so much up to this point and I think her music started to reflect that. She was mad, sad, lonely, searching for love. Aw, that's sad.

But also she had a fairly solid reputation for going after married or otherwise taken men so there’s also that.

State Of Grace | 2 /10

Here it is. Song number 2 that I just cannot get into, no matter how much I listen to it.

Sippin On (ft. AC) | 6 /10

Sounds more ITZ-ish to me (with some saying that it is indeed an ITZ era unreleased), but it's a solid r&b-influenced song. Very middle of the road, but not a bad effort.

When U Gon Pull It | 4 /10

A song about pulling out. Ok girl. If it weren't for her hilarious singing speaking voice, I might just pass this one over. But sassy Brit is one of my favorites.

Sugarfall | 9 /10

This is hands down my favorite of all of Britney's unreleased songs. I don't think it fit the overall feel of BO, but it's so good I wish she would've released it as a standalone single or something! 

Kiss You All Over | 6 /10

Sounds more like a mid-90s r&b-style song than a fit for BO, but it's surprisingly good. I've never heard it before, but it's definitely going into my repertoire. The backing vocals are fucking solid.

Let Go | 7 /10

This makes me feel like I'm sitting in a jazz club, sipping whiskey, while Britney moodily sings and plays the piano. Also, you will never catch me sipping whiskey, I don’t know why I typed that.

Welcome To Me | 7.5 /10

This song gives me so many feels. Good ones. Lust and desire are all over it and her moans and heavy breathing push it over the limit. The production is pretty damn good too for a song that was never fully finished. Another rumored to actually be from the ITZ era.

Dramatic | 0 /10

Oh, I lied - I fucking hate this song. This song is just stupid. It's probably the only song of her discography I feel this way about. If I could give it a negative rating, I would. I don't think I've ever manage to make it all the way through this song.

[quaymorris]

Album: Chaotic

Release Date: September 27, 2005.

Sigh. Y’all I just - I really, strongly dislike K. Fed’s whole ... schtick. I think he’s a scam artist who scammed Britney and, like, it obviously worked. ANYWAYS, this Chaotic album was released to promote their chaotic tv show, aptly titled Chaotic. It’s a lot and I highly encourage you to seek it out if you want to see Britney high af, talking about sex with K. Fed. Oh, you don’t? NEITHER DID I.

Chaotic | 5/10

Such a high rating for all that noise I talked about the show, but honestly, we aren’t yet at the point in her career where Britney is very clearly phoning it in. This song is proof: It’s not great, but it’s far from terrible.

Also the above is a real gif from her real tv show and you guys - *sigh*

Someday (I Will Understand) | 5/10

This song is about being pregnant and motherhood and what’s super wild is she wrote it a few weeks before she found out that she was actual real life pregnant. There’s a lot to not like here, but for some reason I really like it ... a lot. This may be around the time my love for Britney went from fan to the EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS PERFECT kind of stanning.

Mona Lisa | 6/10

Though she snuck out to an LA radio station to premiere this song without her label’s (or anyone else’s) knowledge and her team tried to walk it all back and pretend it didn’t happen and said they wouldn’t be servicing it to radio which is weird af because we all heard it - it was eventually released. This version has nothing on the original. The original was a demo that sounded darker and creepier and better than this, even in it’s rough, unfinished form. That being said, this song bops.

Over To You Now | 8 /10

Why did no one tell me that this song was about anal I-

[quaymorris]

Album: Greatest Hits

Release Date: November 3, 2004

Normally I’d skip EPs or compilations, but this included some original tracks that were quite good, so I’ll just review those.

First things first: That body on the cover. I used to obsessively stare at the cover for longer than I care to share. It just oozes attitude and sex. This album was released during a time period when Britney was getting knocked up by K. Fed (how unfortunate) and “taking a break.” I mean, seriously - she put out a damn Greatest Hits album when she was only 5-ish years and 4 albums into her career THE AUDACITY.

Ok, let’s go, girls.

My Prerogative | 7/10

Ngl, when the video for this first dropped, Brit terrified me. She was so different. And crazy. I get it now, but at the time I was a K. Fed hater (still am, actually). That being said - she killed this cover. I know I said Britney's not good at covers, and she frankly is not, but this is a cover that's better than the original. She did that don’t @ me.

(I’ve Just Begun) Having My Fun | 6/10

Look, it’s basic and all that, but I like it. It’s FUN. It was originally recorded for In The Zone, but got relegated to the GH album. Ok, that’s enough words for this basic song.

Do Somethin’ | 7/10

This song is dirty and I like it. The video is dirty (I mean, it looks like it smells), but she looks like she’s having a blast. We get a quick nod to her Mona Lisa alter ego (very beginning of the MV, right on the doors). And we got LOTS of Britney gyrating in her underwear, which there is never, ever enough of.

[quaymorris]

*** A quick break from your regularly scheduled programming ***

This isn’t widely known if you aren’t a massive Britney fan, but the awareness of her “lost” album, called Original Doll, is a huge source of controversy between the fanbase and Britney’s team. This story is a interesting read, even if you’re not a fan: The Secret History of Britney Spears’s Lost Album.

She snuck out (yes, a grown ass woman, sneaking behind her team’s back to make the music she wants) and went to a radio station to talk about this album and debut a new song called Mona Lisa. The track played is just a demo so it’s rough and very clearly unfinished.

This is when we learned that Mona Lisa was/is her alter ego, first appearing in the music video for Do Somethin (from her Greatest Hits album).

Original Doll was supposedly an album she working pre-, during, and post-In The Zone era.

Her team denies all of this, even though the radio show clip exists. The fanbase disagrees on whether the Original Doll was a real album or just an idea she had that the label shot down. I think it’s somewhere in between: I don’t think Original Doll as an album ever existed. I think it’s just a concept for which a few songs were recorded and then buried for one reason or another. For those reasons, I won’t be reviewing those tracks. Most of them are really rough (and honestly bad) and no one can agree if they were even recorded during this era or not.

It also doesn’t matter because of everything that came after (helllooooo Insaney!).

[quaymorris]

Album: In The Zone

Release Date: November 12, 2003

The first album in what Britney fans call her Holy Trinity. The third album in this group is up for debate, but this album’s inclusion is absolutely not. This is the era casual pop music fans remember the most, but somehow know the least about. This era was amazing, but is now recognized as the beginning of the dark times. 

She released what I consider the greatest pop song of all-time, Toxic, as well as her best ballad, Everytime. She got married to her childhood friend and had it annulled 55 hours later. She met and married Kevin Federline (gag me). She blew out her knee while recording a music video with Snoop Dogg (unreleased) and canceled the rest of her tour (Onyx Hotel tour). She and K. Fed starred in an ill-advised tv show, Chaotic. She really turned into a little rebel: drinking, smoking, and this is most likely imo when her heavier drug use started.

The sex got tamed down and controlled a little on this album, but not too much. She seems more sure of herself, even as she was beginning to spiral.

Fuck all that, though, to the music we go!

Me Against The Music | 7.5 /10

I love this song. The fanbase (and GP) pretty much rejected this when it came out, but y'all were wrong. Still don't think it needs Madge, though. Feels like a forced collaboration.

I Got That Boom Boom | 4 /10

Ok, this is "fun" but kind of bad lmao. I want her to collaborate with rappers more (NOT IGGY), though - the sound is just about there.

Showdown | 8.5 /10

INSIDE OUT'S RAUNCHY OLDER SIS. She needs to add this to Piece Of Me because it is a bop: sexy, the sultry low voice, the vocal effects - UGH, slay me bitch.

Breathe On Me | 8 /10

I'm pretty sure Brit was trying to get us all pregnant with this album. Everyone who was shocked by the Onyx Hotel tour clearly didn't listen to this fucking album. Also should’ve been a single.

Early Mornin' | 7/10

CASE IN POINT. #pregnant I don't think this song gets enough love from the Army. I love the island-tinged sound, soft drums, breathy vocals, the voiceovers. Remember what I said about Soda Pop? Yeah, here’s island done much better.

Toxic | 10/10

This is probably the GP's favorite Britney song, right? It’s certainly one of her best, the music video included. It is pretty much pop perfection. Catchy hook, infectious beat (listen to violin covers of this song, they're glorious), and the ever iconic music video. We stan a Grammy winning record. Brit. did. that. At 22 years old slay. 

Outrageous | 2 /10

This is the song with the unreleased Snoop Dogg guest starring music video and honestly that’s ok because it turns out R. Kelly wrote this song. 

Touch Of My Hand | 7 /10

And our lord and savior Britney said, “Touch yo self, fool! Love thy self!” And we did, and we did. We stan the queen of self love.

The Hook Up | 5.5 /10

I remember my mama asking me if Britney really recorded an album about randomly hooking up with some dude she met in a club, and yes. Yes she did. And we like it.

Shadow | 2 /10

Yeah no. I feel like you can tell when she was singing on some forced shit on her ballads. I like hearing real emotion on ballads, not whatever's happening here.

Brave New Girl | 5 /10

I'm a get smacked for this one since I just dumped on Shadow, but I really like this song. It's carefree and relaxed and isn't trying to be more than it is.

Everytime | 10 /10

Ok, but the real gag is that Justin Timberlake is a douchebag. A N Y W A Y S, this is her best ballad, bar none. It SOUNDS like it's coming from the heart. You can hear the pain, anguish, the heartache. It's so real and moving and tragic. They should’ve kept the suicide scene in the MV.

The Answer | 3/10

She’s cute.

Don't Hang Up | 7.5 /10

Remember what I've been saying about Britney and (well produced) r&b-influenced songs! I think this song could've joined the rest of the standard edition record. Alas, it was relegated to bonus status.

U N R E L E A S E D  |  L E A K E D  T R A C K S

Girls & Boys | 0 /10 

She could've kept this one. There is nothing I like about this song.

And Then We Kiss (Original Version) | 8 /10

I first heard the remix of this when I was working a mall job in college and I instantly fell in love. The original only ranks slightly below the remix to me, but both are really good. That sound was hot during the mid-2000s. This leaked in 2011.

And Then We Kiss (Remix) | 9/10

Not a leak, but also not on this album. This is superior version of the song. This was recorded at the same time as Breathe On Me, but was scrapped for this album. It was instead included on the B in the Mix: The Remixes (2005), which why? This should’ve been a bonus track on here.

Love 2 Love U | 6.5 /10

I HEAR YOU, LA ISLA BONITA. This should've made the album because it fits in with the island flavor she already had going on. It's a solid mid-album song.

The Sin City Rap 7/10

No, I don’t know why she recorded this (I think she was joking). Yes, I still love it. True story: when I was young I wanted to be able to do the sexy Britney voice so fucking bad. She talks like pure sex.

Rock Star | 6 /10

Am I the only one who thinks this song sounds more fit for Blackout than ITZ? I can see why it didn't make the cut, but it is a solid song.

Get It | 2 /10

This sounds unfinished in more ways than one.

Look Who's Talking Now | 4/10

This is ... ok. It doesn't inspire me to sing along, dance, get emotional or anything, really. It's just kind of there. And that beat is generic af. Apparently it’s about Justin, but we can do better, sweetie.

Guilty | 6 /10

HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU JUSTIN.

Money Love And Happiness | 1/10

This should've stayed unleaked. Keep it, Michelle Bell!

Ouch | 7/10

Yasss Britney! I love when she sounds like sex. I would love to see this one performed live. I do think this one sounds more like Blackout as well - it's dark, sexy, moody. So I get why it didn't make the cut for this album, but it's a great track.

Conscience | 5.5/10

Britney could take a few of these unreleaseds and put them on a little EP and it would be fucking solid. This is a good club/bar song and would sound AMAZING performed acoustically.

Instant Dejavu | 6.5 /10

This sounds so 80s and I kind of love it. Once again, did not fit the sound of ITZ at all, but it's a pretty fun track. Easy to sing along to, danceable, and I love the way she plays around with her voice when she says "deja vu."

[quaymorris]

Album: Britney Release Date: November 6, 2001

Well before our eyes were treated to the spectacle of Miley “twerking” on the VMAs stage to completely bury her Disney image, we had Britney and her album - Britney -, where she shed tf out of that sweet, innocent, “is she? isn’t she” girl image and started giving us S E X. I mean, I know y’all remember THIS. She apparently recorded a song with Missy Elliott for this album that never got released and that really just fries my bones.

Also, if you frequent Britney fan forums (WHICH I DO NOT, MA’AM), low sales for this album were blamed on a radio ban. Of which there is literally no proof, but go awf, conspiracy theorists.

Before we get started, I’d like to acknowledge this beautiful gif.

This is from a … Baby One More Time performance during her Dream Within A Dream tour, which came during the era she dropped the Britney album. What did I tell y’all? S E X. That word will come up a lot in this review. 

Onward!

I’m A Slave 4 U | 9/10

🎶 She may come off as quiet, she may come off shy 🎶 but, this is the sexiest single she’s ever released. Which gave us the sexiest video she’s ever done. And the sexiest performance she’s ever done. We also got her most iconic dance break and that “get it, get it - what” part - pure sex. BRITNEY IS GROWN, Y'ALL.

Overprotected (Album Version) | 4/10 Godawful Bono-like glasses included (peep the video), this is the weaker version of this song. Same goes for the music video. I can bop my head to it, but it doesn’t move me.

Lonely | 9 /10 Another girl power anthem, another “should’ve been a single” song. #justiceforLonely

I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman | 1/10 Y’all gonna hate me, but I have never and will never like this song. It’s creepy af, especially when you realize it was written by a group of dudes. For a young girl.

Boys (Album Version) | 4/10 See Overprotected (album version).

Anticipating | 6.5 /10 Such a fun song! I used to play this when I got ready to go out with friends. I mean, it’s a bop. It’s just lighthearted, carefree pop.

I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll | 4 /10 This is probably the second best cover Britney’s ever done, but right after I listen to this one, I have to listen to the original. I wish there was less sex in Brit’s version (I KNOW, I KNOW).

Cinderella | 5/10 Middle of the road effort for what is a middle of the album song.

Let Me Be | 5/10 As you can hear, on this album Britney complained a LOT about feeling smothered and like she couldn’t do what she wanted. She has said this song is about a guy/dating, but idk. Methinks her rebellion (a reference) was starting to take form during this era.

Bombastic Love | 8/10 Another single worthy bop. I know the fanbase hated this when the album dropped, but come on now - it’s so catchy and light! It’s bombastic, it’s fantastic!

That’s Where You Take Me | 4 /10
 Uh, this song is fine. It feels like they weren’t sure of how to close out the album, it’s so filler-ish.

When I Found You | 2 /10 Every time I start this song I laugh. Who choose those weird sounds in the beginning?!?! (precursor to “Make Me”s weird ass opening sounds). I thought her ballad game was starting to drop off hard on this album, and this song was further proof.

Before The Goodbye | 7 /10 I LOVE when Britney’s songs included a bit of an r&b flavor. It compliments her voice so well, and her team should really let her do it more!

What It’s Like To Be Me | 5 /10 BYE, JUSTIN. 

I Run Away | 6 /10 The conversation I have internally every time (also a reference!) I listen to this song: “Yuck. Oh no wait I think I like it. Ok, it’s a bop. Glad it’s over though. *hits repeat* 

Intimidated | 6 /10 Remember what I said about Britney & R&B-tinged music? Yeah. It works very well again here.

Overprotected (Darkchild Remix) | 8 /10 Darkchild Remix > original. I like the slight bit of edge this remix has: not too much so it doesn’t come off like Britney’s fake, but enough to pull out more of her attitude. And the video’s choreo is tons better.

Boys (The Co-Ed Remix) | 6 /10 See Overprotected (Darkchild Remix). 

The Joy of Pepsi | 10 /10 LOOK. AT. THE. CHOREO. LISTEN. TO. IT. IT’S A FULL. REAL. SONG. GREATEST CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT EVER MADE. PERIOD. BAR NONE.

Right Now (Taste The Victory) | 5 /10 I love when she turns what should be a pretty basic, quick activity of a song into what could truly be a radio friendly bop.

U N R E L E A S E D | L E A K E D W O R K S Things start to get fun in this era. From rumors of the radio ban to heavy criticism of her increasingly sexy image to her showing signs of a rebellious nature, she recorded a lot more personal songs that over the years have leaked through each subsequent era. Keep in mind, the songs linked below are mostly really rough cuts as the songs were usually not finished.

She’ll Never Be Me | 5/10 This song could be even better if they didn’t make her affect that weird ass vocal fry on the verses because the chorus fucking crushes it. 

Mad Love | 7 /10 SOMEHOW I’VE NEVER HEARD THIS SONG. OMG, this would’ve killed during on the Onyx Tour with its hotel theme. This song says sex, stilettos, and martinis. Rawr.

When I Say So | 7/10 I wish this song would’ve made the album because I really enjoy it. Talk about sex - give me dirty Britney any day of the week. This song makes me feel like I’m fucking on speed. And like I’m fucking on speed.

Am I A Sinner | 1 /10 I think I’ve made my thoughts on this song very clear to my fellow hardcore Britney stans. There’s just something about this song that doesn’t click with me, no matter how many times I hear it. The chorus is the worst part thereIsaidit.

[quaymorris]

Album: Oops, I Did I Again

Release Date: May 16, 2000

At this point Max Martin & co. had figured out a winning formula (catchy pop hooks + a flirty beat + Britney’s baby vocals) and they spent this album beating it into the ground. Nasally, high pitched baby voice overload, good lord. However, this album held the record for the highest debut-week album sales by a female artist until Adele broke it - 15 YEARS LATER. A chipmunk sounding vocalist did that.

Oops! ...I Did It Again | 7 /10

This is one of my ma's favorite Britney songs and if I rate it lower than a 7, she might disown me. That, and this single continued the trend of Britney having an ear for good, pure pop play.

Stronger | 9/10

HEAR ME OUT: But this isn’t even Britney’s best “I’m doing better now so fuck you” song on the album. I mean, it’s good! It’s REALLY good. The video is very early 2000s. I mean that merely as an observation.

Don't Go Knockin' On My Door | 9.5 /10

THIS is her best “I’m doing better now so fuck off” song on the album. And it was my favorite song right off the bat when I first listened to this record.

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction 3 /10

Contrary to her own belief, Britney does not do covers well. Mick Jagger liked it, though, so maybe that’s all that matters.

Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know |  6 /10

This got bumped to a 6 purely because of the video. It almost moves a little bit too slow for me, but her voice is very lovely on this track. Them titties in the viddy tho-

What U See (Is What U Get) | 7 /10

I love this song. LOVE. THIS. SONG. Listening to it now, it's honestly not even that good, but I love that Brit was continuing her girl power shit.

Lucky | 2/10

I never liked this song. It is the very definition of corny.

One Kiss From You | 7/10

First song that helped me describe my feelings toward my then-crush. Which is a little creepy when you take a look at the lyrics.

Where Are You Now | 6/10

Fun fact: She’s never performed this live, making many wonder if she can really sing it at all.

Can't Make You Love Me | 8/10

This should've been a single tbh. #justiceforCMYLM

When Your Eyes Say It | 5/10

This is the song that made young Quay realize that there really was such a thing as a “pleasant” speaking voice and a “bad” one.

Girl In The Mirror | 4/10

This song sounds like it's meant for a woman with more worldly experience than Britney. It just doesn't sound right sung by her.

You Got It All | 6 /10

This is such an late 80s/early 90s era sounding throwback. It literally reminds me of the ballads I used to hear as a kid. Which begs the question: why doesn't Britney do more sweet sounding ballads?

Heart | 0 /10

Uh ... no.

Dear Diary | 2/10

Bwahahaha *chokes* Y’all - just go listen to it.

Walk On By | 5/10

This one is honestly super cute and innocent sounding. I do think it's indicative of how Britney was still searching for her sound and rhythm because this album is still all over the place. This song was the b-side of Stronger. I mean.

My Only Wish This Year  7/10

Bet you didn’t know that Britney had a Christmas song.

[quaymorris]

On January 12, 1999 Miss Britney Jean Spears dropped her debut album, giving us one of the sluttiest album covers I’ve ever seen from a teenager. Too bad the content didn’t match. Sickly sweet, incohesive, an all-around fun hot mess. ... Baby One More Time is one of those albums literally everyone is aware of and also literally no one ever listens to. However, ask the DJ at a gay club to play a Britney track and you’ll usually get BOMT (single) or Crazy. I should know. And they won’t fucking change it when asked.

Track-by-track review below.

... Baby One More Time | 10 /10

This song is a classic. I know it, you know it, your mom knows it. It's pure, heavenly bubblegum pop at its best. That’s it, that’s the review.

(You Drive Me) Crazy (Album Version) | 7 /10

UGH, sometimes I think this song is a fine lil ditty, other times I just find it annoying. But I do know it's a favorite of LOTS of people so I guess that makes it a catchy lil bitch.

Sometimes | 1/10

Y’all know this song is bad, right? And the video is worse? There’s a reason Britney hates this song and refuses to ever perform it again.

Soda Pop | 5/10

If you haven’t heard this song, don’t go look it up because you’ll listen to it and never trust my opinion again, especially after I said Sometimes sucks. But this song is FUN! She does do island flavor again on a later album, and better.

Born To Make You Happy | 7/10

Tbh, this song made me unsure if Britney was a feminist or not, which made me confused as to if I was a feminist or not. But the one thing we’re both sure of is that it’s better than Sometimes!

From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart | 4/10

This song title is entirely too damn long. Otherwise, good effort, Brit.

I Will Be There | 3 /10

If anything about this album sounds like the 90s, it’s this song. It could be the theme song for some lame ass 90s sitcom. Like Full House. 

I Will Still Love You | 0/10

Any song with Don Philip on it I will automatically give no higher than a big, fat zero. And if you want to know why, watch this dramatic ass clip. MANS CAN’T SING. I’m a heartless bitch.

Deep In My Heart | 3/10

Eh.    

Thinkin' About You | 3 /10

LOL who wrote these fucking songs.    

E-mail My Heart | .5/10

EVERYONE’S BEEN DOING EMAILS

The Beat Goes On | 2 /10

Fun fact, Cher was later inspired to cover this song due to Britney’s excellent execution of it hereIAMJOKING.

I'll Never Stop Loving You | 2 /10

It's fine. I don't even have real words for it, it's that boring.    

Autumn Goodbye | 1 /10

Another 90s sitcom sounding ditty.

I'm So Curious | 2 /10

Never understood why the fanbase was so wild about this song. It's juvenile. Also, it’s the b-side to Sometimes and honestly, that makes so much sense.

(You Drive Me) Crazy (The Stop Remix) | 8 /10

You mean the better version of this song??? There is almost nothing different between this one and the album version above so it’s illogical that I’ll give it a much higher score. BUT HERE I AM, DOING JUST THAT.   

Born To Make You Happy (Bonus Remix) | 1 /10

I forgot about this. *gives it a spin* And for good fucking reason.  I felt like that Jay-Z head bopping gif listening to this. Do I like it? No, wait, maybe.

Luv The Hurt Away | 0 /10 

This song fucking hurts.

[quaymorris]

Miss Robyn Rihanna Fenty, y’all. #goddess

Rihanna in Dior at the 2017 LVMH Prize ceremony in Paris. Get more info on this outfit @ http://bit.ly/2sdgNoI

[quaymorris]

Why is she so such much cooler than me? :/

zendaya : an actual goddess

[quaymorris]

melanielaurent: queen of pop #facts

queen of pop

[quaymorris]

I absolutely love this.

[quaymorris]

have u ever kicked(or kneed...) a guy in the nuts?

Erm, no. At least not on purpose. I don’t think. Pleading the fifth.