quietengineersurvivor

[quietengineersurvivor]

07/06/17

Good evening, 

Of recent I have felt a stage of helplessness, and just an odd sensation of lethargy. 

I am worried I am starting to get depressed. 

As for when it started, I can’t be sure, as its all a bit blurry now. 

There was Kurt’s and Amie’s  wedding, which I did find a bit hard, as I was just looking for some alone time to regroup. This was following an all day effort to move furniture out of my grandfathers place. Again a time where I felt helpless, and was required to just be co-operative. And ontop of that, the possibility of having to move back in with my family on weekends, is adding a degree of stress. Again i feel a helpless to my own control. I feel that they will always be there to blather on about this and that when i want silence and to be left alone to what i want to do. Im going to be asked questions i dont want to answer, and i have a feeling i am going to become shorter of temper and ruder in cause and effect, and thats not the way i want to be. 

So there are new stresses in my life, which i have tried to react to, first by looking for a larger place to move into where i can have more stuff, and increase my change of staying down here on weekends. Where i am still being guilted to stay with my family, which i dont understand. And i feel unable even to start to help them understand my need for it, so the inability to communicate also makes it vuery difficult. 

So my options are to stay in my tiny room in st marys, which isn’t optimum, or go stay at my parents place, which also isnt optimum. What i would like would be a place i can escape from society to do what i wish. Maybe if i do stay in st marys, i can make more use of the blue mountains walking tracks which are right on my doorstep. 

All the while i have been feeling more helpless at work, losing my one support figure. And now in given the full reigns I notice others making a grab for it, and i don’t know how to delay that, as i am lost to numbers. This one will require a conversation with plant manager, as I am not ok with what is currently happening. 

So in quite a few areas I am feeling very helpless, and it’s starting to affect me emotionally and making me depressed. 

So as for actions from this, well the house, i think you’re going to have to roll with the punches for that. get out of there asap to stop getting fucked around with the proceedings, which means deciding where to stay in the meantime. For the moment I would recommend st marys until you feel some more composure, which will mean completing your washing here in st marys of a weekend or something. So look into that. And then continuing to look for a bigger place. I was willing to move to a new job just to avoid this. 

And lastly as listed talk to management about what they want. 

Maybe im afraid of the changes, as i cant control them. I just want to remind myself that i can’t control everything and i need to welcome openly new possibilities. 

Also on top of this I need to plan an Italian trip in 7 weeks. 

Dan

I need tp feel secure about the life i choose to live, that gives me pleasure, and not to fall into the trap of comparing with and being competitive with others. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

11.4.17

I havent been feeling myself for the last few days. So I am back here and writing. I don’t know exactly when it started, I have been a bit harder on myself of late, but I thought that was helping and giving me direction, and the feeling of accomplishment of goal completeing/pursuing. But that is more and overall scope. My current goals are to save my money so I can look to purchase somewhere so I can stop paying rent. I can’t go back and live with my parents, that I know. But I’ve agreed to go back there on weekends, what is that about. I know i need to show gratitude, they are letting me stay there, but do i want to? I did start looking for jobs in that area even, I’m not sure, I think i would prefer to be on my own all the same.

My grandfather passed away a few weeks ago, just before my mothers birthday, and that was a sad ocassion, but I thought I had got through that. I am gratefeul for how Gab rescued me from it at one stage. 

I thought i ad got through that OK, i had reminded myself I wasnt to see him again, and thats what death is, an inability to someone ever again no matter how much you may want to. Similar is choosing not to see someone ever again, which also is a thing. 

So that was all through, and i was working on saving my money, I think at that time I may have been a bit busier, I was doing guitar straight away after work, and that was giving me some release, and i was getting head space at work which was nice, of late i have been rushing a bit, and it can be difficult coming down from that doing doing doing. So i would play guitar for a bit and that was good, becaus ei have decided i would like to play guitar, and thats one of my goals. Nothing but that. And I am branching into blue which suits me fine, as many of my favoiurite artists hang out in that genre, and i can still spill back out into rock if that is what i choose. 

Ok so saving money, and guitar. And I;ve also been training my running so i can look to compete in a half marathon. I was going to go away to the hunter valley with a guy from work, but there is little talk in that front, and i am hesitant to bring it up, so i wont. But i am still training for it. Well I was, but then i got injured at soccer around 9 days ago and have injured my groin, which i am working at repairing, but it means no training in running, which i was taking to quite well. I’m not sure where i will compete for the half marathon, but i will keep training for it, well at least get a 5km base 2-3 times a week. But it would be good to get it done this year. I would say Hunter Valley is unlikely to happen, but there is one in the city coming up, which i can lookin into, well i have looked into it, but i still havent decided if i will enter. That is something i need to decide upon. Which apparently i have designated for the end of this week. 

Other than that I cam training my brain for some reason using a nintendo ds game, i have noticed when i feel good i perform pretty well in this game, so this would be a good way to test my mental health. I feel foggy by the way. And lethargic and unmotivated, and i am worried i will lose my mind and memory, i feel like a husk. and i still feel, but all i want to do is be alone, which is a dangerous thing. 

On Thursday night past, I went to get my glasses, and i was getting eyes from one of the girls, but wouldnt do anything to secure her advances. 

At that time, my only thought was to get my glasses, obviously i didnt want to go, but i might as weel go because there is a time. I guess i have been doing that at work the last few days, and it has started to take a toll. Anyway there was this girl giving me eyes and i was aware of here, she was making it easy for me, but i wouldnt talk to here, i didnt know what to say, and i didnt want everyone to see me talking to her, so i proceeded to blank her, finding oblivious ignoring the easier thing for me to do. But still at this stage i was still mentally working, i was still there, and now i feel like im not. At this very moment i feel okay, but over the course of the last few days i have not. 

SO that was Thursday, Friday was a little different I worked, and I was usng this computer program to generate diagrams, i am still learning it, as it is a good skill to have. So i worked hard on Thursday so i would be able to work on this program. And there i am told by Dave that Mitch has asked hm not to let me use the program. So that’s not very good thing to hear, when i am desparate to get better at this program, so i can become better and more confident with designing, so i can look for a future possible in designing. This is my current aim for at work beyond doing enough not to get fired, and do a good job. I also have the aim to relarn a bit of the chemical engineering things in Perrys when i find time. My current plan is to only use that program once a week for a few hours. and then otherwise when i finish my work to get into that book. I just seem to be fucking around on a whole bunch of half arsed stuff that i can’t really get my teeth stuck into, or a whole plan to get done. Im more working at the rate things spill onto me, from other people, and i have been finding it a bit overwhelming. Nothing is being communicated to me about changes. I’m just working on my feet, and doing a bit of other peoples work. Now that was today, yesterday i can barely remember, i was very tired is all i know in the morning, and i slowly got to work, but i remember feeling a little off, and having many teas. I was like its a Monday, and i normally feel a little off Mondays. Again it was a bit of a weird one, but when i spoke with Ryan yesterday I think i was still a little on, as i tried to help him find this contract for this flow meter i am looking to get supplied. And i spoke with Scott while we had to check on the glue that wasn’t filling quickly enough, but i think theres a permanent fix on that now, but all that was holding me up. I managed to get some physicals cut, so i will have time hopefully Thursday to do some work on Solidworks. I guess that means it was only today when i felt a lot off. 

So last night i got in and had to ice my thighs, and i read a bit through this time, then i ate some dinner, and started to complete my guitar practice and lesson. And it all went pretty well. I did comple coitus inturptus. and at the end of which i was still annoyed at myself for not completing re-evaluating life goals, which i wanted to look at, after being challenged first by myself for skipping out of plans that didnt line up with my current goals, but also challenged by my sister, who made me feel the way in which i avoid social interactions is bad, while i do it becasuse i value my own time more. I dont know, so i havent reevaluated. So post coitus interputus i thought about it, and came up with make up early and no coitus inteutus for a month, which was a long standing one from when i got back from NZ. i have already failed on the second one, as i dont know why i have it, and i understad i have it to increase desire, but withough a resource to relocate that energy i though it not the best option in my current mind, which is at a somewaht battle over it, not its first battle but a battle all the same. 

So last nigh i listened to Stevy Ray Vaughan play his guitar, and he is quite talented on the old guitar, different from B.B. King though, whose guitaring i could follow, which left me feel a bit overwheled and underwheling as a player. But its somewhere to aim for. And im unsure if i want to learn blues, as it isn’t my favouite variant of music, but as i said before i can use it as a stepping stone for rock. And i am getting better. 

So i woke up early this monring, and felt a little foggy, got to work a bit early because i was hungry, and thats where food is located, got to eating, and got to meeting, and it all went quite well. But it was around this time i started to feel a bit weird, and im still unsure exactly what created it, but maybe i am a bit overwhelmed by everything and i need to take a step back for a little bit, so i can get back to normal. Because i have also been slowly neglecting texting my friends, putting it off until all my stuff is done, which i cant get all done and yeah. 

Now after all this i still feel a little overwhelemed. and a bit off. and i still am unsure what to do. Other than wait, and hope to feel better. Without recognizig the true cause, but i suspect it is overwhelming. 

Until later, 

Which i think will be soon

Upon rereading this, i fiure i am being anxious and putting too much pressure on myself to be someone i am not, yes i can work well, but i need to do it my own way, and then when i notice i am not feeling flash i scracth at the wound and make it all worse. Its when i stare at my thiughts trying to see fi they are normal, where i need to step back and just let me be. Its this odd balance of goals and not scrutinizing myself. 

Okay anxious reducing time. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Happy For

Writing just a few items a day of what you’re grateful for in your life can boost happiness. 

So what am i happy for... I’m happy for how far i have come. 

Im happy i eat healthily

im happy that i am putting effort into learning to cook

im happy that im trying to make a life

I am happy that im putting in the effort for finding a career i might like. 

im happy for having ears to listen to music

im happy im educated

[quietengineersurvivor]

Rainy Weekend

So I’m at a point of struggle again where I feel the need to divulge my feeling to you internet page/online diary. 

So this weekend was a pretty large let down. Firstly i was meant to have a date on Friday that didnnt eventuate, because the person i was meant to meet got caught up in chores and left it too late. 

Okay and Saturday night, i mwas meant to go to a party, but the person i was meant to go to the party with pulled out because of the autrocious weather, which is fair enough. 

Now most notable was today. The friend i was meant to go to the party with said they would spend the entire day with me to make up for not going. I thought that sounded like a pretty good trade. But as the morning ticked away, the plans became lunch/dinner, doing nothing, and then eventually we did have dinner. So that was a bit of a letdown too. Now i honestly was glad to not see him in the morning, but after that i want companionship.

So i went off to this dumpling house. Met him there. I get there and we are ok at the start he is sharing with me, im sharing with him. I tell him about this girl im kinda liking, and I tell him that im kind of putting her on a pedastool because i think she is cool. And he’s like dont do that. And i say i feel inferior to her, that shes doing all these great things and im not im spending alot of time on my own. and he’s like you can’t comare. which is true. Just try and tell her what i like. And i say im not sure what i like. And he becomes confused by this, and he says what do you mean you dont know what you like. And im like i dont know what i like. And he says you like music, gigs, books. and im like yeah i guess so. and youre also learning the guitar, tell her that. and im like i havent played in the last week, and he’s like that doesnt matter. youre still learning. even though i feel like im stopping for a little bit. As right at the moment i dont even really like learning the guitar, yes i do enjoy playing it when i learn something, but it can be a very frustrating device. anyway i leave that feeling a bit on edge and judged. when i say these things, i dont always want help, i just want someone to listen, but i cant just say that can i. 

Then the worst bit happens. I say i want more tea. And im gonna try and order it, so i try and make eye contact with the waitress, and im failing, and then i see a person with a similar coat to what i have so i try and whisper it to my friend and he is unable to hear it. and then afte rthe point in time, he says you went all rain man on me. ANd i was like yeah i was trying to whisper. But then he went on with it playing the role of the waitress saying i was staring at her. and i was like was i. and hes like yeah. and i didnt think i was. and then he says i was also staring at the guy with the jacket. And i was like was i. and then he said that the guy could hear him, and i said could he. and then he said the waitress saw the whole thing, and what she thought about it. and i started to become really embarassed, and he started to question my embarassment, which just made everything worse. He said he has neevr seen me like this and i used to handle it better. and that it wasn’t fun for him when i was like this. and i asked him how he means that, and taht after like being mad efun of continuisly for a little bit i got embarassed.  and this is me embarased. and i was like what do you expect. and eventually he compared it to a sitcom, where an issue happens for the chatracter, and he has to continue to relive his mistake, and i argue that this is spread out for the caracter in the story and its not one after the other. but its not a sitcom. i then looked around and could see eyes. this wss the point where he destroyed our bond a bit. where hea lienated me. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Struggles

Hey, 

The last couple of days i have again been struggling with myself and I’m not sure what has brought this about. 

Most recently I have expressed my feeling to my friend Jack about what I want out of the friendshiop. NA dthat has seen me soaring ever since. On the weekend I only go to see him once, which was alright, as he seemed tired and put offf possibly from work, or his date (should have been dates) or even that he wanted to play Uncharted 4. But whatever it was, i didn’t really get to speak to him in person. we are keeping up continual dialogue over the phone, which i need but again that i think somedays he is cutting back. And i need to just accept that he is busy with his life, but he isn’t going to ignore me, and i can divulge my feeling from moment to moment and i dont need him to reply. mostly i just need to tlak through my problems and that can help them go away. 

Anyway i still want to see more of him, as he is great!!

And i also want to stop struggling, so above is probably part of it, but i wuoldnt say it is the whole thing. 

I’m also worried about work, being unable to fix CS50 has been a disenchanting experience. Especially when it started to leak a new problem, which is better than the first, but still bad. Because I have been unable to find a solution to it, i feel nervous at work. i feel i may get in trouble any second. Last week i was in trouble a few time, and i think that this could happen again at any time. I’m continually aware that i am being watched and that is a terrible way to be especially if you’re not exactly doing work. So that’s increasing my stress. 

Other than that, i dont know if i generally enjoy my job, like some parts of it are great, but there are others which make it completety not worth it. Like the freedom i have in this poisiton is pretty amazing, but this comes with expectations. And tese expectation i hardly feel the need to fulfill. I’m a little disenheartened at the moment 

I’m using this new listening technique, where instaead of judging what someone else says, instead just to hear them, and respond to that, and try to let the questions that pass across my mind, just pass away if they arent related to the current positiion of the conversation. I started using this ability on fb messenger, while trying to befriend some girls on there, which is actually working quite well. 

There is one girl, Taylor, who I think is into me, but im not just sure what she is about yet, maybe we can get a coffee or a drink or something, and see if we get along/ 

Another problem with feeling the way i do right now, is i feel i can’t move my life forward, and that i must wait until i feel better before i do anything, that is the largest problem to do with this, rather than feeling bulletproof and able ot do everything without fear of rejection or expectation, i can’t. i’m instead the latter I have huge expectation on the people around me, to help drag me out of the hump i’m in, without me even telling them there is something wrong. Its largely frustrating, i think this is why im second guessing my friendship levels with jack, the doubts are just spreading like the never ending arachnid it is. 

I just want to feel good in a nutshell. I’m not sure what pushed me off this path. Like i was still okay on Sunday i thought, like quite good. I was getting a bit frustrated at guitar but that is normal. A girl on tinder wrote back to my question, what have you been busy with, and she said going out for 1, and i took this as a stab at me, and it hurt. I figured i havent been out much this weekend. that i was insecure about my social affaris and my freidnships tebout. Then with jack not seeing me on sunday because he wanted to be alone, wasn’t the best. I do hope that as i continue this friendship further, he will want to see me as much as i want to see him. but at the moment that isn’t the case. But he has his own affairs to pursuit, so i can’t blame him. Maybe this is me just having too hgh an expectation for him, to have replied to my messages when i send them to see me when i want him too. this is a friendship, there is give and take in it. And if he wants me to give him space, so he can be alone to relax then that’s what i need to give him as a friend. Otherwise he will become a lame horse. Thats a horrible metaphor, because this makes me the whipper, but again i am the one pursuing the friendship whole heartedly. But what i meant from it, is that i will tire him out, if i push it too quick, i have no issue telling him what it is i want from the friendship. but i stilll don’t know what it is he wants. the closest i have gotten is that he will try to be the friend i want. now what the fuck is that, that has no bearing on what it is he wants, just that he will try and follow my lead. Even over the weekend, i started to have that stressed attitude, when i was to see Chris, so it was already affecting me. I need to find out what level of friendship jack wants! Or what he can handle with his life. Upon reading back he does want to have that type of friendship, but there are other parts of his life which will interfere with this. i think it’s him, that creating these moods. when i consider ourselves solid, i am solid, when i think that we are falling to the wayside i am a mess. I have asked him if this is what he wants, and whether he can handle it, but its what i want. 

Otherwise things with Michelle and Kristen seem to be going alright. 

I need to keep working on Jack Ashby, i dont know what going on there. He is moving away with his gf possibly to Neutral Bay, so i won’t be able to see him as often unfortunately. I’m thinking about reaching out to James, but his is away. I could work on Brett a bit more but that’s hard. Then there’s Josh, i could do more there, same with Chris. I need to see how this Jack situation goes down first. 

I hope he says he does want it, and i know he will say hes just been busy with his PhD, but if he wants it he wants it, and that will make me feel good, for him not to want it as much is fine, as long as he wants it and he will put the effort into it. 

I want a best friend! and i want him to be my best friend! Everythign else pales in comparrison. That’s the thing that truly matters to me at the moemnt. When i check my phone, im not looking for everyone, im looking for jack. every time, i want that someone to share everythign with. 

i feel better knowing what it is i want!

i hope it grows into what i want, i will do what he says, mostly, but i will still express myself as wanting to see him. Im a bit sick of convincing him to see me. but im always glad to see him in the end.

I fucking love writing about how i feel!

it always works pretty well. 

Love Dan

[quietengineersurvivor]

Update

Well firstly I just read my last post, and this is hardly as exciting as the last, but there definitely have been changes. 

Next, I have become involved in allowing a dice roll to help me make decisions where I used to be confused and unsure of the decision. The purpose of this is to open me up to new situations, as well as breaking me out of my routine. To be honest this last week I haven't played as much as I was doing when I first started, and especially with my work breaks I have been noticing a lot more regularity. This will meld days together, as the time I have on my own is a great way to differentiate what I have been doing. So I should use it on smaller more meaningless things. I think the reason I have been slowing down, as it has been affecting my moods. So I have had great highs and I have also had lows. My recently I have been having lows, and I am only rolling for when I’m unsure, rather than to make nonimportant decisions that might open me up to new experiences. 

My biggest issue with it at the moment is finding people to play with. There are more people I could ask, which I’m not sure I should. So yeah probably a great thing to roll for. 

Well going back the really good time was where I impromptly went to Gymea Hotel on Anzac Day when i was thoroughly exhausted. This was a good time for me to learn more about what Tim was going through, and as I was ontop of the world I was able do so and provide feedback, and realize I could help Tim, but then I just think he probably doesnt want help, and I can’t make him open up without spoiling their trust, so I must wait for Tim to talk to me, or for me to try and prompt Tim about it before anything can take place, still a good night. I need to realize how to get laid more often though. 

Mentioning getting laid, I’m taking Kates advice and am trying to talk to girls more on FB chat to befriend them, so i ccan get to the stage where I can just ask them if they want to bang, seems straight forward. But i have decided to combo that with dice rolling, which isnt the best method for doing so, as these conversations are exhausting and could use more work. This has also left me with a void of self esteeem loss with competing for their entertainment and responses both without being prompted and with, I find it lacking, which isnt too shocking, as it is unusual, but it has mademe into an online begger, and is killing definitely part of my groove where i try to escape from that bullshit, where i couldnt be frank as it would be too crude. And then i think all i really need is a really really good friend, which in fairness is what i have wanted for years and years. I remember when i was like 18 only wanting one person i could run around with and do everything with, and i still havent found or got this person. The closest is Jack but i don’t know if he wants the same thing. I have just FB’d him because im lazy and its best to do things as you think of them, and he will get to wake up to quite a confusing text. So we will see how that goes.  Otherwise speaking of the low, I think was just an issue of strain. So last Saturday i rolled to go to the beach by foot, so that was like a 2 hour walk, which i had to rush back from to go to an archery party, which i was subsequently late for. I then went back to Mascot, via that park i used to frequent, and had to get to arncliffe another dice roll, which i rushed to got lost in, found the place could only stay for half an hour witha  box on my head, had a great conversation with a taxi driver, and saw filddler on the roof, and lastly went out exhausted for drink with pat and christian +bf, i havent seen christian in 3 years for good reason, he is so big and outrageous, and instead of saying all the things i wanted to say back i repressed them all which trapped me with a whole chunk of anger boiling inside me, which spilled over to Sunday soccer, which we lost and then I stayed in Sunday because my friends were watching the football and jack was seeing his family. So i felt let down, abandoned, vistimized, rushed, frustrated, incomplete, it wasnt my most favourite mix of feeligns that i was trying to deal with. So im just going to avoid chirtsian, and making plans on weekends. 

So when im in St Marys and I think of something to do, i would like to be able to have someone to go with, but i have no friends down there, and i am afraid of rejection at the same time. So my confidence isnt sky high, and its stopping me from doing things. Plus i just generally hate my job, it is literally pretty terrible 100% freedom and i know what to do around 10% of the time, someday it feels like i cant even think for myself, and to risk making a mistake may cost me my job, and we have the bosses coming down Monday and Tuesday, and im expecting that i might get to meet them, and i feel it would be unwise to be frank with them, which is a sad day indeed. I think getting back into guitar for the meantime will help and maybe Meetup will be able to help too. 

So its not exactly being super easy for me, and i know im winging but i dont know what to do. DO you know what im doing im not breaking up my  problems into little things and instead im letting them overwhelm me. This doesnt exactly work with my dice teachings, which is also conflicting, but yeah small things at a time, or im going to be too burried to do anything. 

As for tomorrow, lets start with getting up and having breakfast, 1 thing at a time. 

Peace Out 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Update

I don’t know where to start. 

It was just Easter holidays, and I went up the coast with a counple of friends to central coast. A confusing weekend to say the least. It started well, driving up a few friends to the destination, not well in terms of efficiency but in terms of enjoyment, which is the only well that really matters. 

Then i got there and everything was pretty standard. 

There is a girl there who i thought liked me and who showed me mostly indifference. I guess i never thought that she is aorund her friends and wanted to be hang with them and have a laugh, not work on her relationship prospects. I only just realized this. So that’s probably all ok! Well that’s good. 

Then there was a girl there who i do like, and i have been obsessing about her the whole holidayy and since. Looking for any possible connection. Unfortnuately i wasn’t on my a-game, but we still did connect a little bit i felt. I enjoyed watching her smile, and be a little uncomfortable. I would say for certain i would be a little bit in love with her. She leaeves me be unable to think. 

And then there was another girl who was very attractive who i was also becoming friendly with, but nothing happened there. If i want something to happen with a girl, i think i will have to drink less, and keep my wits about me. 

All in all, nothing happened with either 3 of them as i guessed beforehand. But i was very confused. All i can assume from all this data, is i should still go out with this girl and see how things go, and i should start talking to her again i guess. And secondly with the one i really like, i should wait and try to see her whenever the opportunity present itself, and take as good of care as i can of myself so i am the happiest version of me when that time comes! And obviously i want a woman. 

All these thoughts about possibly partering up with a man, can slip to the wayside for the moment. 

Other than that seeing James was amazing, i think we will be great friends for life. And Josh is such a cool guy, unfortunately he doesnt switch off :P and james was great, and brett and i obviously care about eachother. And i just need to be able to concentrate so i can be myslef, rather than being caught up in all the bs. Other than the confusing part of it, it was a great holiday. 

Brookes smile as she was playing wiket keeper. 

And her awkward stepping as we spoke outside. 

And seeing her genuinely comfortable with Jack. 

Layoka’s eyes. 

Sam and brookes matching pjs 

I think i like being away from my family, just until i get settled. 

Also im keen to see Kate

And Karoline, i need to remember i can only text her at night, because she is crap with replies.

And i should persue Sam first before i go chasing around on tinder again. 

Next is the more alarming part, my neighbou died. Joan. on the 25th March 2016. She had a stroke. In her house after a busy day looking for a new place to live, as she was arguing with one of the other neighbours, Bernie. She fell down and hit her head during the stroke, as she went into her house to make herself something to eat. I guess that’s why you need to have people in your ife checking on you, or living with you, just incase something like that is to happen. 

The last time i spoke to her was on Wednesday, the day of the stroke, as i arrived home from work, i was glad to be home, and she was looking for someone to chat with. I was not. She told me she had a busy day, and i said that’s good and continued on my way. I didn know until talking with Brenda that she had been busy looking for a new place to live. That night she had the stroke, and i was ignoring all the loud noises outside as they have been becoming more frequent. Bernie my neighbour has been selling drugs at all hours. So any loud noise can be overlooked. Even that of people responding to someone having a stroke, so i didnt realise until the following day when Brenda told me, i was in shock when i first heard. As it was an extremely alarming thing to occur. 

Then on Tuesday after arriving home from my holiday, i was told about her passing by a nighbour i hadnt spoken too..Tracy. I was even more in shock. I busied myself at home taking care of some things. Just after i finish planting my new flowers which i need to find out the name of for curiosities sake. I start to walk to my appartment, and as i turn around, a wild eyes Bernie had his blue crossed eyes aimed directly at mind, and said, “Do me and you have a problem?”

And i quickly replied, “You’re the one that stopped waving first”

he replied without hearing me, still staring at me, his tattoo on his earlobe of a cross with a point on one of the lines is clearly vissible at this point, “You looked at me like I’m a piece of shit. Do you think im a piece of shit”

“I was just looking to see who it was”

“You think im a piece of shit dont you?  You think it’s my fault. I know how this place gossips”

“I don’t think you are a piece of shit. And i havent heard anything.”

“You think it was my fault, don’t you? I’ve been hear two and a haf years. She was my friend too”

“She wasnt a healthy lady.”

“I only just got back, I havent been here since Thursday.”

He walks off in a huff, still ranting and raving, “I think you’re a piece of shit, wait i mean i think you’re ok.”

And he went inside. I was left flabbergasted 

I was scared! But i thought i dealt with it well. Not only had i avoided a physical confrontation, but i had also made him guilty. 

His friend Kurt, my other neighbor came by afterwards and apologized for him, as he saw the whole thing. 

Later taht night i heard tracy and her family giving bernie a hard time, blaming him for her death.

Ontop of that the police were investigating number 11′s property. So i dont know what was going on there. 

Also Joans now empty apparentment is bigger than mine, so i was dealing with the guilt of this too. 

Alot is going on in that complex. And it is certainly becoming complex. 

I need to stay clear of Bernie, but i can’t he’s always around. Hopefully he moves, but im not moving. So if i do talk to him, i will tell him im not happy how he tried to intimidate me and if i seem less friendly than before, than that is why. 

I hope brenda is ok! And i need to find out when the funeral is. 

This is the first time i have had someone i know, who was alive one moment and dead the next, no build up, no warning. except for Cameron. but this was different. i saw her everyday. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Update

Hey, I don’t think i have written in a while. But i had a had weekend, and im struggling to deal with it, and my best outlet is writing it down. So yeah here I am. 

I just ate half a tup of peanut butter scooped out with celery, so im not feeling the best, but remarkably so im feeling a lot better than i was feeling over the weekend. 

So like most weekends, they start on a Friday night. So as usual i work on a friday, and then make the transit from st marys to mascot, So im at work, watching the clock to get to 1 o clock. which is when i usually finish. When in barge the plant manager and the quality inspector as well as the production planner, but hes not important to the story. So the plant manager says there are splits on the CS100, a very common thing for CS100, and information i was privy too and was working on. Well i wasn’t really working on it more waiting on it. Unfortunately for me the splits started while i was on my lunch break, so when i get back all the changes have been made by not me. I didnt even receive a call. they went off this new ftable i just put up to help niight shift, to help myself by reducing interuptions. anyway no call, which i would have liked so i could have got incvolved with it, as it had been a bit of a slow day after i had got my physical testting donw. So i come back and everything is ok again, so i stop worrying and havea little relax. I didnt really know what was going on as i hadnt been there for the beginning of the week, and i was away with my family. The same thing happens every toime i go away. I come back and i have no idea what it is im working on in my life. Because while im away my life halts, which is so weird, but exactly what happens. So i dont know what is going on in my work life, or even my provate life. 

I think that is what triggered my grumpy weekend. possibly also being back to the normalness of my life took away a bit of the lustre of life. 

Anwyay the plant manager upon hearing that there is issues asks me to stay bakck to make sure it starts up ok. And i say yes even though im bursting like a kid in a bathtub to get out of there. Because he asked me, and hes in charge of me so i dont want to dissapoint. anyways hes a dick on my mind. I need to watch out with him, he is flexing all up in my business. He will settle down soon i think, i just need him to fuck off right now. So i stay back at his bequest and slowly go mad, as i really want to get home and i feel very unneeded there. but i wait out until 3 for the run to finishgh. I come home pack and get on my bike hime, because i was asked to stay late the traffic was a bit thicker than normal unfortunately, as you would expect at 5, so it took me longer to get home, and i want in the best mood, when i finally get settled at home its like 7, and its raining,and im like poo. So i send out texts to see what is happening, and there is a dinneron in the city where smy friends are catching up with one of their friends ive seen in passing, not even having had met. And i figured they wouldnt be out late so it wouldnt be worth the effort to get to so i didnt bothet. And i stayed home and got really irritable and watched 3 episodes of the wire so i could finish the series, its ok, but im not in love. I dont think i will bother with the box set, But i have watched the 1srt season. So i was a little dissapointed with myself because im not working on anything if im vegging out on the tv. And i normally need to be workin gon someting to feel alright. I did strum a little on the guitrar, and became annoyed at myself for not being bettwr oon the guitar, which is a bit unfair, as the most practibvce i have done hads been of recent, and i do feel that i am getting better, but nim not at the stage where i can pick up the guitar and just play a song, which i realised is what i want to be able to do with the guitar. so i normally just flick around a cououple of notes and try to get something that sounds ok, which i mean is a priomising start. But im rushing to be better. Thats i think my issue, im rushing to live, im need tiing to move fast to make uop for lost time. Im coontinually pegged down by feeling i havent done enough with my life, i havent lived enough, im boring, so i put all this pressure on myself to live more and do more, and its tough,, im tough on myslef. I need to be able to accept that the life i have lived is what i have lived, and i need to be proud of it despte wwhat has happened, and how i have spent that time,And that i need t o ease up because i was gong through tremendous difficulties, that didnt know how to deal with leat alonge to attemt to sontrol . and navigate around of. I need to learn to be patient with myself and with others. I have already tried actioning doing one thing at a time which helps, but when i get in one  of those moods, im not sure what to do. Possible reevaluate before it get out of control, take a deep breath, look around and remind yourself you cant change the past and you can oly effect the present if you are presrnt. 

Anyway excitingly enough the next day i lfet the house and went shopping with my mate in newtown to get some new records and stuff, which was fun and grand while we were there as we hadnt seen eachother in a few weeks, and have been seeing eachother on a weekly basis atleast for a few months. So it has been a bit of a break. And during this time i asked this quatesion i had asked a long time ago, which was during one of the first times we had hung out solo, something i wasnt sure i could keep sectret, dependinging on the juicyness of the topic. And in the end we started to share about our differeing mental problems, his anxiety, my depression, and the more we talked about it, the more i felt like a fraud. because i couldnt pinpoint a time when i had it unlike hum, and instead of sharing i felt like i was just unloading on him all this information. it didnt feel like a good share for me by me, and that made me a little upset. I dnt know what i expected. But to try and feel more open abut myself, so he knew he could trust me and as we were sharing, i instead wish i had just listened. But hindsight is a horrible thing. I was too busy trying to create paralles, and instead should have heard a new and separate story, one that covered what he was going trhough rather than assuming what had taken place. i need to stop assuming. and thinking i can thinkik for other people, ait is very non charistmatic and alienating. Just listen and learn like you have never learnt before. taht is a very important characteristic, otherwise you will assume you know everything, and not realize you know nothing. I will try to action a matra when i listen to someone, and say listen in my head, to remember not to assume or jump to the end of the story. 

So when i got home i tried to plan somethign for the eveneing, so i texted my friend, and low an behold he was free. So woo and then i wrote in this fb group that has a whole heap of my feinds and i aksed if soemeon wanted to do something tonight, not one single reply :( nothing from the friend i hasd texted, nothing at all. I felt hugely embarassed and alienated. and i was dissapointed tebout, as i was excited to go and do something, instead i tried talking to a few friends online, and ended up masturbating alot and feeling very lonely as i didnt really have anyone, and i was particuarly horny thatevening. I also ate poorly that whole day and spent too much time at the computer. the bompiuter doesnt make me happy it does make it easier for me to write my diary though, as im doing now, and also to learn guitar, so i feel it is a necessary eveil. Anyway im not really working on anything in partiualr more like getting by. I thought i might make a motor, but i dont really have a purpose for doning it other than making it, so without a purpose i may put off on doing ti. and playing guitar for extended periods leaves me frustrated, as i haeto continually try to learn or read, and these make me fruustrated. I also wasn’t listening to my advice, and was spinning down a destructive wormhole, it wa sback to old standards of me, and i really dont wish to start in that cylcle again, as it leave s me so strung out, and i have trouble enjoying myself in those stages. again watch a,d tinkgn about what you are doing and why you are doingit. I can often be rebuffed by the voice that doesnt b=cre, and a why not will ooccur,a dn then it is over. 

And sunday which was my fvourite day of the weekend involved playing a game of soccer in the ran, and then staying up too late watching QI. I fucking love steohen fry, he is completely genuine and haristamtic. i could watch him forever. 

Anyway i feel sometimes there is someting misisng in my life, but if i dedicate my time towards 1 thing such as guitar, i should be able to fill that c=void, adn try and get excited about learning. if i could start playing for an hour or 2 a day, that would be extremely useful. i may put together a program. Learn scales and arpeggios and modes and songs and chords and all those things. 

Anway im excited, im not too excited to dedicate that much time to guitrar, but it is soething to aim for, and its someting i do want. 

Dnight

[quietengineersurvivor]

Dream

Okay I had a dream last night, and i want to give it as must justice as possible. 

Fade in to a foggy scene showing a pair of hands holding a rectanguar box in the hands. It is day in the background. There is a white round table in front of the person holding the box, and the crossed legs of someone sitting to the left of centre around the table. They are on a balcony that is white. With 2 steps down to the dirt road in front of them the white dirt. The two men are dressed in white suits. On the table there are two clean empty glasses face up. 

As the view of the person of the person holding the bottle moves, you see his hat slip into the shot and his glasses move into the frame, as he takes the glassess off his face, and proceeds to look at his pant leg for the tan suit and pull out a white hankerchief to clean his glasses.  The scene goes blurry while this goes on and as the glasses as checked for cleanliness, the scene comes back into focus. 

After satisfied with the glasses, they are put back onto the face, and look over at the partnerl he is sitting reading the paper, and older gentleman, quite ugly, with a furled up lip, and a big blistered nose, and pocket marked skin, with whisps ofcropped grey hair showong itself. The kin is heavily tanned aswell. He is hunched over as he reads his paper. As i look over, he stors, and you can see his tooth smile, as his teeth unwind from wih reveal themselves as the lips stretch into a smile, saliva cover the lips as he licks them. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Woodworking

http://crosland.com.au/student-work/

[quietengineersurvivor]

Love

Gimme shelter - love is just a kiss away

I’m going to the casino - no ones in love with me

[quietengineersurvivor]

Heart Ache

Today i also had my first recognizable heart ache/pain. I would suggest it was triggered from the previous evening. But yeah. I may have had it in the past, but was mostly completely unaware of most of my feelings so i could/would have missed it. It happened randomly while i was working, i was listening to the radio while i worked, i cant remmeebr which song wa splaying. It wuld have been Zan Row. And it was around 10. Maybe it was Gimme Shelter. Because at that time i was listening to songs following Pulp Fictions, You’ll be a woman soon, by Urge Overkill. Anway yeah, maybe i was thinking about my empty love life. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Tears

Hey, so I need to discuss what happened yesterday. The crux of event was, well there were two, but the first event was my sister and i arguing to the point of her breaking out into tears. This occurred while she was driving us all back to my parents place after our 3rd day of the diving course. Now the drive there was already a little tense, but the drive back went well over the top. It happened just after we opted to give up on GPS and go my directions, as we were near Mascot. So it was at the turn off for Wentworth drive coming from the city. I had let Steph know that she had to go left to go my way. But the instructions on the phone had said to stay right. So i said sarcastically, “no the phone is right, I, the person you asked for directions from, is wrong” I wasn’t in the best mood to begin with, as id just been feeling terrible for days. It must be work, or the stress of work, knowing how much i need to complete. I digress from that. Also I feel me hating our, as a society, reliance on technology for everyday thinking that used to be done without it, which i feel is a regression. But again that is not the point. I think again she asked if we had to go right. And at this point I think i escalated to raiding my voice, in a yelling nature, that yes we need to go right. I think at this point it was all very tense. Gabby was trying to smooth things over, which is good, but at the time drove me mad. I think Steph’s reaction more than that she was very emotional, tired, hungry and out of her comfort zone, also doesn't trust my driving, as it is our touchiest of subjects. And neither of us is budging on that point. It’s taken me a long time to get confident on the road, and i’m not being dragged down by her views thoroughly influenced by my mother and media. I think at this point she yelled back, i’m not sure what, but the claws were out and we were both sufficiently fueled to argue.Then i may have said you cant drive because you have no confidence.

So we make the turn and continue on. She needs reassurance continually which i didn't realize, and my normal way of things is to let the person drive straight until it is necessary or an action, which is when i tell them. This is not the right approach. So i let her drive and on the way she asks me where she needs to go, so i say drive straight until i say something more. I think she may have said “you can’t communicate with people, you have no empathy” a bit of a low blow. Actually if i were in the same situation, maybe i would like some support. But at that time i could hardly think. Id been blankly angry for days as i said. I think i was left in shock at this statement. So anyway we continue on, and she during this time must have started to get panicky, which i didn't realize. So when there was the next turn, I told her to turn left, i forgot to say which lane to go into, because there was along lane turning right, so she had to slip by into this turn. So this is the turn where she kept asking which lane she needed to go into, and i was like it doesn't matter, go in whatever. as i wanted her to stay in the left lane because of the traffic, but i didn't express as much. So i was like turn left, stay left, and i may have ignored a couple of the repetitive questions. but i may have said go fucking left. Which she replied with that i’m so mean and she hates me. And i’m like WTF, this escalated so quickly, and so i think at this point he are just yelling at each other, and she isn’t looking at the road, and then she turns to face the road again and then starts crying, and i’m like this is crazy. so i ignored it, as anything i could say would be the wrong thing. 

I then received a phone call from my Dr relating to my allergy blood screening, to see if i’m allergic to gluten. It came up negative. But as i was talking to the Dr, she starts yelling at me asking where she needed to go, swiping at me, i was very dazed, as i was into this conversation. And i flick her in the shoulder, and said how rude, i’m on the fucking phone with the doctor. Which she replies by calling me a cunt.  All the while she was in the right lane and there were no issues. I was abashed by this reply and questioned her statement, with little reaction. Gabby then starts to smooth things over, by reassuring her continually, and she regains some composure. and she continues to drive along, with my little inputs of directions, and gabby calming her down. There were no more incidents on the way home i think, it was just very tense. During this time i realize she is no longer talking to me. Which i’m not too worried about, but i needed to make amends before it got out of control. I don’t take even now full responsibility for the incident. She blew up way too quickly and i joined maybe too quickly, but we are both responsible. But because she was on her period it’s all my fault because i’m not empathetic. She is just a crazy person. So when we finally got back. I started to say my piece, which she listened to but said nothing too, so i knew it wasn’t over. So Gabby ran inside, i trued to get some more explaining done in the car, it didn’t work out, and she then went to buy petrol, while i headed inside to face my parents who had just arrived home from a trip to the entrance with my fathers parents. So i slinked in, with every intention to get out of there. unfortunately i had already agreed to take Gabby to Rockdale so she could get to her gig quicker. So we talk it over and it’s still the go. She starts getting ready, during this time I was sitting at the computer chair updating both my parents with the story what had happened. Steph then arrives back from the petrol station, drops her stuff off, and the hugs my mum. And tells her that I yelled at her and because of that we could have had an accident. 100% of the blame. which i fill is unfair, and still do. I didn’t want to make her cry, but she wasn’t the only one who was emotional in that car. anger is an emotion too. and i cant control it when i become angry. so when i’m prompted when i’m angry i can easily loose control and not think before i act. But that doesn’t matter it’s all about Steph during this phase. So i am left trying to explain the situation from my end, and that is no good. She tells me she didn’t want to drive, but had to offer to be nice, when it would be no big deal if i drove. Then because it was her car i wasn’t allowed to drive. So of course this pissed me off a little, that her stubbornness against my driving forced herself to drive. So of course i was a little irate getting in to the car. and then to be attacked personally twice, and then i still apologized for her then to ignore it, i wasn’t too happy. But there i still was trying to make amends. and she is just saying that i’m mean and i yelled at her, and that i need to control my anger as because of my yelling i put everyone in danger. Which is true i do need to control it. but the only way i know how is intense exercise, which i had been in short supply of. But there i am still put to the stake, while another way i do it is to be short with my words, still giving directions, but not much more. and i can’t take care of someone else when i am no good. that is the truth. But i needed to take care of her. It was such bullshit. and i’m still mad. I can see her side, but i don’t think she can see mine, and how even little things she says and does can set me off. When the whole thing could have been avoided if she had admitted to herself she didn’t want to drive and let me drive, and if not to look at a map. But that didn’t happen, and instead she prompted me when i was angry and the rest is history. But there i was in my house being scrutinized by my mum and my dad, while i’m being attacked by my sister while i’m trying to explain this. and all that really i could say was i gave her the directions, and maybe wasn’t sensitive enough to her during this time. But then i’m forced to say  that i need to work on my anger and i have to be sensitive. She also at one stage says she has to help people calm down all the time and when she was in need no one was there to help her, and that’s unfair. All the while she is crying. So i didn’t want to make her cry, nor did i mean to. But she wasn’t aware of me, and i tried to help, but she didn’t like the way i tried to help. eventually she is satisfied with my response and that i stayed there to try and work things out. Which was questioned that what will i do when i’m angry and i cant work out, which is i stay silent, but that didn’t work in that situation. I was also trying to do calming breaths but they didn’t work either. I didn’t tell them that but i did. 

After the point where i’m feeling nice and raw and exposed, i start to talk to my mum about how i can’t talk to her about anything, and that she doesn’t listen, and that she tries to control me with active suggestion. And all i want is someone to talk to, and not be judged and to just listen, and that she cant do that, and neither can my dad to be honest. He is as warm and inviting as a well fed cactus on a cold day. So i was telling her as much and she was rebuffing that she does listen, and then i reminded her she doesn’t and then she waffles on with some vague fluff which i shut down, and we continue like this for a bit, where she continues to reinforce her idea that we have a good relationship, where i continue to tell her i’m not satisfied with it. At the end of the conversation, I said that he don’t have a special relationship. And then i asked her whats something special that we she shared, and she couldn’t name a thing, she said we both wanted a library, which is something cool we both learnt about each other recently, but not something we have shared something in. and she then said we share stuff about my friends, and i was like that’s not something. And then near then end i can’t hold back my own tears, and i rush back to my room to release the inevitable crying, because i could think of anything either. I stand facing over my bed, for the childhood room i’ve failed to keep clean though my valiant efforts. I hate being in the unorganized house, it makes me so upset. And that’s just because i’ve my need to be in control, due to my rocky relationship with my mother. So i try to control that one space, but that just doesn’t happen, and it has become their storage. Even when i was younger, i had to share the room with my father, so i could never keep the room completely clean because it was continually trashed by him, and he then started to leave tools and stuff in my room. Of course i was despondent they wouldn't even give me my own space, to create into my own environment, so i would distract myself for a long time, weakening all my relationships, and actually pushing me further back in my development. Anyway i was upset and trying to control my breathing, and just looking down at my bed and my slightly open window to the light outside. My mum asked to enter once after around 15 minutes, i turned her away.

I leave the room, knock on my sisters, say i will work on my anger, and i proceeded to make a promise with myself as i left that i would try to look at the situation at hand before i reacted, and i  had forgotten i made it again until right now. So i will need to remind myself. That’s one of the few i have ever made that i truly intended to keep. 

I then get to the front door, possessions inside. And my mother reminded me of the times we played tennis on the street, and i thought yeah that’s true, and reminded her that it only happened a few times, which is true id say less than 5. And then she says like a million things after it and ruins the moment. I then leave and hurry away. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Last Night

Well i want to doscuss one thing in this text, and that is my annoyance at myslelf during sex last night with my friend. Yeah so she cam over late, and we got to business. I felt like I was just trying to match what she wanted and i didnt really want to take the lead. Though i was ontop. It took me a while to get into the groove of things, maybe i was rusty, it has been a while, and then i didnt finish, and ended up running soft, which is annoying. Was it the condoms fault as i couldnt feel anything. or is it my fault for masturbating recently that aided the numbness. Either way it is time to cut back in masturabtion again, as this is a good indicator. I want to be able to get off with a condom on. Actually i need to as there’s no other way in some cases. So  thats’s it, i want to get more experience, and masturbate less, and no porn obv. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Reminder

I always forget to do this, but i need to remind myself how far i have come. and how well i have done, and that sometimes i need to give myself a break or that will make me slip also. and i forget to do so asim so busy pushing myself up a hill

[quietengineersurvivor]

Update

I’ve been really busy recently. And it’s made me feel the need to stay busy. I feel exhausted, and I can’t really focus. And i don’t feel good or bad. Mostly i will feel alright, not good or irritated. My body cramps are anoying me. And I’ve been thinking I still don’t really have someone to talk to about everything. LIke I used to have with Mary and Francisco. I think if I found someone I was able to, it would help me. I shared with jack about my dream of Mary. Where we were both at the doctors office. We came into the building and were at the reception on the wrong side. I knew my way around and we then went to the right side. I even seemed to recognize the doctor. We waited in this slow que like an airport, And while she waited playing on her phone I drifted around the place looking to entertain myself this way. The way i have interpreted it is that I am restless and looking to make new friends with everything and see everything. While i see her happy as she is waiting. And the doctor maybe is something to fix our relationship. And as she is willing to wait I am running around distracting myself. I had this dream at my parents. the day of Laneway, that same day i saw Paigge who i blatantly ignored, and i think that is the way she wants it. whatever i guess. 

I was just now thinking about Jack Ashby and how I feel our freindship can sometimes be a bit weak. And i want more as he is currently my best friend. Which makes me feel I don’t really have a best friend atm, but it is him. Maybe we just see eachother too often. Weekly solo time is a lot to expect of anyone. 

Otherwise I don’t really feel that I have too much, which makes me a little sad. I feel it more living in St Marys, starting again with the feeling of mot much. I don’t know what is going on around here. And in fact I am a bit intimidated by even being out at night here. The things I hear sound terrible. 

My current mantras are if i want to do something I should just do it. That when i wake up i need to just do what I plan, and not be a dickhead about it. Also i remind myself that i am a sufferer of depression and that I am going to feel sad and i need to rise above it if i am to feel any better or more normal. 

I’m also spending too much time at work. Like the money is nice, but there is a limit to that. I think i need to cut it back and work on me time. Ever since I;ve moved, i just seem to be working more. I don’t know when i last finished on time. 

And then i come home and am fixated on getting my study for scuba done. It makes me think that trying to become a doctor may not be the best idea for me. Sitting at a computer and studying, i don’t know if i could do it and be happy. I may be better off tinkering in a shop or someting, and continue to learn how things work. I need to stop picking up more things to do until i have done the things i want to do. Im worried about forgetting to do things, so i hjust make sure i get everything done so i can move onto the next thing. 

Work needs me to get a smart phone, and i really don’t want it. I like being detached from data, the new food source, i just dont need it. I feel alone living in st marys to because im around all my neighbours and they can see that im alone, i didnt have that feeling at mascot as often. I was happy working in the yard or just lying in the sun, or working on things, at st marys its not that easy. The only time i had it was while i was alone in the park. where i completely dropped my guard. 

Whats the point in having thought if you don’t listen to them

Saying im immature today really ticked me off, what i am doing is making a controlled decision in knowing myself and its reversed to me negatively. I couldnt make him understand, but he couldnt or wouldnt empathise. He thought how i was acting about needing a phone was juvinal. But what it is is placing a constant prop in someone who can easily become distracted and addicted, and lose their train of thought. The thng i need is to stay focused and on goal. and now they are giving me this. im fucking pissed. i wish they would wait until it was shown i actually needed it, but noo straight away. im just goint to limit it to emails calls and text, butas if that is going to last, im realistic. ive really enjoyed not being connected in a fake network. 

Do you know what ive also noticed, im spending more itme on fb and my computer while at st marys because im not sure what to do, and this is such an easy source of interest. And instead of using it positively with guitar and on fb wasting my time and my life. Same as with dating sites, what do ii really expect to happen. I feel like im rushing thorough life swinging on the vines of task to task floating above a pit of depression and lonelyness, huungry witheir jaws open ready for me to slip. it’s so boring here and i dont knoe what to do to improve things. but i havent known before and ive managed then. unfortunately the option to clean up an overfilled house isn’t on the cards. i need another goal. and i dont want it to do with work, because that is too easy. I want something to keep my hands and my mind busy. 

BUt first i need to finish my study for the diving course. 

[quietengineersurvivor]

Australia Day

I’m writing more posts than i used to. Today was alright, i failed to connect so much with anyone, but it was still ok. parties can be hard, and i wan’t drinking too much, so no crutch. but i still feel a little numb and upset atm, so i need to think about why i feel this way and just feel it.

 Anyway to distract myself by recounting today, it was nice laughing with sam and matt, which is how i spent most of the day, but with some people i need to put more effort in, such as stone and paula, and josh, and even jimmy. But what to do to extend the friendhship? Brookes slightly blooshot eyes.