rabbitttart - Tumblr blog

[rabbitttart]

suckit

Sure.

Stocks: https://pxhere.com/en/photo/876687 https://pxhere.com/en/photo/752733 https://pxhere.com/en/photo/1424285 https://pxhere.com/en/photo/667848

[rabbitttart]

ZZX

It means I'll never be complete

[rabbitttart]

Unnecessary Apologies

To R, I'm sorry I put a wall between us but I'm glad to have known you. We were so so alike, I saw and I hope you transitioned too (if you could) and you stayed away from the nasty internet people.

To A, I'm sorry I was toxic after I confessed to you I was just a child and always have been you deserved better than that, I hope you're well and your mother is treating you better.

To H, I'm sorry my silence was too much for you but I am thankful for our time. I hope dearly you and your family are okay over there, that you fled the country and left that misogynist prick friend of yours.

To P, I'm not sorry we are even. You message every year and I miss the memories we made but I'm not convinced we can be friends again and it isn't because of what we did it's who we are.

To C, thank you for the good times and lovely memories. I do not think that we have a lot of chances to be friends now, you're in practice right? Last I heard you were, christians don't look kindly on us.

To my favorite emo girl, I hope you broke up with your shitty boyfriend or he learned how to care for you. Rawr, your razor cuts were real.

To K, I hope you and your sister are well. Happy, loved, fed, you deserved and deserve better than what your mother gave you and how you were both treated. I am pretty sure I found your twitter, if so I'm mad happy for you!!

To Parker, sorry for the grief but I'm glad we were friends. Remember when I had you convinced I was marrying your new friend? You were even going to pay for it. You always were so sweet.

To V, fuck you but I'm sorry things went that way. I don't think you're a bad person but you were too rough with me, of course I was trying too hard I wanted friends AND fame. Not that you'd accept the apology.

To D, I hope you're actually okay and just off to other things. Not,,,,what I fear. I missed you, I will always cherish our memories and the time we spent together. Killing Floor isn't fun without you.

To M, thank you for putting in me in the position that I could meet so many wonderful people, grow so exponentially, and find myself so much. I don't care if I'll never be a woman to you, you're the one that dated me and settled with your wife sooo.

To my brother and Emberlily, I love you and I'm sorry we don't and haven't talked like we should esp. now that you're closer than ever before I hope I can visit. I still have a message from last week from you I haven't replied to, you'll always be my best friends.

To Ms. E, thank you for being so wonderful, I am so thankful for our times together and what we've shared. You inspire me as much a mother and as a sexy friend. Your support and encouragement is irreplaceable and I won't be surprised if you read this. Your taste is impeccable and I love you.

To my sister, you already know because I tell you every chance I get. I could write a poem of the ways you mean to me and the apologies I have for you, but I know you'd rather just talk to me about books and knitting than that. (loving)

To N&C, you will always be my family and I'm sorry I don't know what our relationship is right now, I miss you and I'm afraid to reach out in case you hate me. I love you too much to hear you don't want me in your lives any more.

To everyone I leave in silence, I am sorry and it isn't because of you or anything you did. I love you, if we had any positive times at all you can rest assure I love you in my silence not just in my words. Love isn't just what you do, it's also what you don't.

To boys, I love you I don't know why you don't want me other than as an insincere tranny. Too soft for you, I have too much blood on my teeth of my own to want yours. I will always hold out hope you'll see me truly, and love her truly.

To girls, I love you thank you for the world and supporting me and surrounding me w/ love and care. You have always protected and cared for me and wanted the world for me and I've tried to do the same and want the same for you!!! kisses

To everyone else, I hope I have made you feel yourselves and loved and at peace. That's all I've wanted for and from you, well okay that's a lie I also wanted a deep meaningful connection and back breaking mind blowing sex but!! gosh help me I love you all.

To my parents, you're complicit in my trauma and also responsible for so many good parts of me too, I love you both so much that I couldn't even convey it and you both drive me insane. I've been so scared of losing either or both of you since I was born. I still want you to see me as your daughter some day.

To no one, you are also complicit in my trauma. That's all, that's it. I do not care, save to lament.

To nature, please stop hurting me I love you and I want to be uneasy friends.

To myself, I'm sorry I let you down so much. But thank you for giving this a real try, a real try.

To whoever above strikes me with misfortune when I'm most giddy, I hate you and I want to do the jump and kick my heels thing you FUCK. I will find you.

To Georgia, I hate you.

[rabbitttart]

Alice You Know

Alice darling, you'll never know what it means to break your own heart.

Every time, before they get the chance and before I actually evolve.

As if a boy could know, what goes on in the heart of broken doll.

Breaking stitches I feel the blood rush, Alice you can't hold me up.

Or down, down, down like a good girl instead I'm incapable of this.

Breaking cycles is hard, and finding my way in you is harder still.

The way only a man could, bite through my marrow Alice make me.

Taste in me heartbreak, taste in me self defeat, and absolve me.

Fuck me like a memory, that I might disappear if you look away once.

And like that I never was, a never was, never will be never again.

Alice bring me in, out the cold I made for myself I'm your responsibility now.

God knows why, why you'd take me on or why I'd fall apart and let you in.

But once in a while I have to take myself apart, god knows Alice, god knows.

If you don't sow in me what you need, I'll never find it in myself to stay.

I can't be the only one breaking apart here, I need your touch Alice.

Soft and flamboyant like the sun in May, I choke on your pollen.

Please don't forget who you are for me, let me taste your fight.

Let me drink in all your girl, and swallow your rough boy.

Alice I never was a fighter, although I never did stop fighting for a second.

I can't fight for you, I can't even fight for myself but I desperately miss you.

I think somewhere along the way I forgot, not that I stopped going just why.

Why was I going at all I guess I never knew, but I remember what you said.

"Never change" and never spoke to me again, because I was a woman now.

Oh that wasn't you was it, I remember sitting under the bit flowers with you.

I remember when, you would take me down in the cold night and bleed me.

Exposed bare as I ever was, ever will be and god I hope I'm wrong I miss you.

I miss you, when you would choke me at the party and I was in love but not.

Hey I hope you're doing well, even when you threatened all my accounts.

Alice I never really wanted to leave, but I never wanted to spill your seed either.

I was kind of looking into everything again, not really I just want to sound cool.

That's all I ever wanted was to feel at home, cool and comfy like a cute clown.

Getting honked by you and forgetting I was ever sad, maybe drinking too or not.

But I think after all of this what I missed most, is that you never wanted me really.

A party favor for your menagerie, I loved it when you would spin me around.

I could just drown in the feeling you know, I hate men so fucking much.

I love men so fucking much, Alice you never knew when to stop did you.

I never knew when enough was enough, or what it even looked like.

If you're going out can you bring me, can you bring me out again.

I miss you, I miss me, most of all I miss being able to talk I miss words Alice.

I miss words Alice.

[rabbitttart]

Two Halves (of a Whole)

"Are you a puppy or a vampire?" Does it really matter?

I have fangs to sink into you, I'm so excited to see you.

I get so excited I can't help but jump and bite into you.

I'm sorry, I can't help it but at least I love you like I do.

You have to let me in and take care of me just the same.

Isn't that the same? When I draw a little blood from you?

Maybe that's the key that I'm really the same, two halves.

But really just the same, changing by day but still the same.

And when you hold me tight is it any different which one I am?

And when you hold me tight, isn't it a thrill to see which one I am?

Maybe it's better no mirrors, and keep some tennis balls on hand.

And if anyone asks why she's teething just say that's the way I am.

But don't worry darling, I want you for more than your blood or looks.

I also want to sit with you in silence stroking my fur and reading books.

Watch the sunrise, and maybe go to sleep, then get back up again at 3.

The December air is good for your complexion, oh no that's just me?

Well at least we get to walk hand in hand quietly, no sun to see.

Then take me to the corner store for some treats (beer, blech!!)

Then take me home and tuck me in my lil coffin bed for some sleep.

[rabbitttart]

Otherness

Destroy me, destroy me, destroy my tragic frame.

Rip the otherness from my bones, destroy my tragic frame.

I will never be your kind and no conditioning will make me.

I wanted you, I wanted into that world, but I never fit.

I never fit, never fit into the thing made to make me happy.

Break apart my bones and take the marrow so I can be useful.

I'll never be your kind, never be your kind, never be capable.

Give it up and forget it, what world did you think I was from?

From a dumber, vaguer, world that shouts in ugly voices.

Our ugly voices, our vague thoughts, our dumb selves.

Our dumb selves with our lesser feelings and thoughts.

I'll never be the cool kind of weird, just feelings and thoughts.

And shouting in my ugly voice, I'll never be happy in my box!!!

But I need it to grow and you need it to put me outside.

So that one day I will come back and you'll be gone.

[rabbitttart]

Open Door

When did you stop feeling like it would never happen?

I could have sworn you were resigned to die alone girl.

Now you've opened this box you didn't know you had.

What did you find? New problems and aren't you glad?

I guess you are because you keep untangling them all.

Even when they break and even when you seem to fall.

I think at times you might even have hope or something.

Not that I ever knew you to try for anything meaningful at all.

Maybe you'll turn it around this time, get a real return out of it.

Maybe not, but I'm proud of you for trying again after so long.

If you ever really did, because you never would have done this.

Started a new shelf, built a new bed, and asked for more than this.

I think I never knew you at all, but I'm glad to now if that helps.

So don't smile, let them see you how you really are for true.

And fuck 'em if they don't like it they've got a door too.

[rabbitttart]

Messages

Gosh I hope, hope, hope that before I depart I can feel your embrace.

Fill me with your warmth and let me bask in it, if only for just a while...

No fuck that, let me stay rapt in you like a lover's blanket for my life.

We deserve happiness and that includes me, that eludes me and yet.

I am sick of accepting less, life without it, I'm done taking less than.

Less than, pin me down I'm too pent up for less than this, this, this.

Words delivered but you never think about where they come from.

Who they come from, how she hurts and how she needs more from.

Never more than just an abstract to you, she's a delicate world away.

I could go on forever but she's getting tired of this now, of you and me.

And she is always so tired, so so tired of it all every time it rains like new.

Really like the same, but with nothing and always too much to do.

So find her and pay her, pay her that back pay, pay her in love.

Or go back to when she was just messages in a box to you.

[rabbitttart]

Chatter

I was thinking we could take a walk now you know?

I know it's cold, we could bundle up and see the stars.

Yeah, but they don't hurt so bad when I'm with you.

We could bring her and stay out all night if you want.

I don't care, call in sick or just don't; you're worth it.

I just...really want to be with you tonight you know?

There's just a lot I wanna do and I don't know...

I just don't know how much longer I have left.

Love me while my thoughts are mostly my own.

While I at least have some grasp on them anyway.

Thank you. At least you know I'll still suck your dick.

Hehe one of us has to be the dumbass right?

[rabbitttart]

Disorganized

I can't believe you showed up, catching hell exuberant.

Hating and languished, did you think I wouldn't notice.

I'm in love with you you know, breeding bent to heel.

Mired with aggression, I just want you to use me please.

Let me fail you and let it be okay, choked to cowardice.

Raked like hot coals, so I can finally be happy to die.

I think you're just afraid of me, stressed to bursting.

Void so suffocating, afraid I'll actually be one to love.

Maybe you'll even end up missing me, drunk of despair.

Teeming regret, and maybe I won't have to leave again.

[rabbitttart]

Vessel

My hands are bloody again, the cold is nipping at my bud.

Maybe I'll balance it this time but I really doubt it, fuck.

Why can't you just take me why do I have to be special?

I'm needy and I'm giving and I like you, why be anymore?

If you're afraid of me I'm more a danger to myself than you.

Not that there's much there to endanger, is what it feels.

For some reason I thought being and loving was enough.

But I can tell the way I'm passed over I just am devoid.

Dreams, goals, ambitions, it never really did matter.

I guess in the end I wasn't different, I was empty.

I was always just the shell of a human being.

[rabbitttart]

Confessing to You

I think I lost you somewhere along the way, I couldn't say when though.

When I was looking back I think, I saw you every day but you left long ago.

Realizing that I need you has made it so much harder, I never did cope.

Never did make the gap, I hate failing anyone and I failed so long ago.

While I pretend every new old problem I rediscover will fix me...or us.

But you never were there were you, just something to say I had lost.

Something to say I had once, to say I missed to say I needed back.

Then why was I staring into my pillow sober, comatose crying alone?

You'd be surprised how desperately I've looked for you since day one.

Why are you a goal painted in my mind from birth? Who even are you?

Staying here has been quietly suffering for the day you're clear to me.

The day you grip me and I'm finally free to live or die my own woman.

Therapy will never work if it's just me talking about you, forever...

In the rainy wet cold half dead feeling you prick me on the back of my neck.

I think about you all the time, I think you're all I ever really did care about.

And I guess I just...hoped you'd come to visit me some time while I'm here.

[rabbitttart]

Nature 1. Loved 2. Wretch 3.

Falling, as I'm aft to do when given any slight chance.

I find thoughts of you staining my mind more and more.

Stitching your new into my old I can't help but feel unease.

It isn't that I'm perfect, just stubborn and want to stay dug in.

Forgive me if I'm quick to be slow, or drag when I'm to hasten.

It isn't in my nature to change my nature, but I'm trying.

. . .

So much of myself sealed away and more yet unexplored.

I think I just want to be loved and cared for too first.

And figure it out as I go, maybe not fuck it up for once.

Or just learn enough to finally see myself in my future.

. . .

Aching my heart unquenchable it begins to burn.

Driving affection into it's core still and only shortly.

"What are you?" Scared and upset like always.

Laying happiness into others yet still feel a leech.

Always never enough stretching too far to live.

Don't take care of me, I am undeserving of it.

Another self-pitying wretch in the world.

[rabbitttart]

Every Day

I can't help but hate myself at least a little.

Even if I'm the reason I'm so kind and loving.

Or my patience and attentiveness and willingness.

And that I'm getting better, a bit at a time, trying.

I'm also the reason I'm so scared to be happy.

That I can't do what others can and struggle to.

All the people I've been so afraid to talk to.

The things I've wanted to do but never could.

Only because it's me, only because I'm me.

Maybe there's a god and I'll be hammered out.

Or torn right out of the book like I never was.

I could only blame myself for it, really.

No matter who shares my condition.

They don't catch my words in their throats.

Or lose my thoughts in their heads.

And they don't feel my heart aching.

They just see me getting smaller.

Every day.

[rabbitttart]

!!! (Urgent)

Anyway what was I saying? Something stupid, but you were listening

Paying attention to my old verses and ancient performances, why exactly?

You seem so genuine why are you letting me spill and dance about so?

I felt so selfish taking stage but watching you cheer felt unreal to me

I'm so used to pushing away and against but in you I feel calm anew.

All your excitement and willingness for new is intoxicating, I missed it.

For once I think I'll try again and let the crows see themselves out.

Let myself feel again and maybe! Just! Be! Excited to live again.

[rabbitttart]

Girl

I couldn't believe, your prize right in my face.

Like the sun, your head in my lap I can still feel.

All too quickly a fading memory.

[rabbitttart]

K1LL3R

Have you the heart to cut me open, to see what's really inside?

Girl smeared across the floor, woman lain cold and bare.

The rest an unspeakable mess, transient and Faustian.

Are you so cold blooded to rip me apart like this?

Hands wrapped around my rib cage like a party favour.

Holding my spasming frame to catch a glimpse inside.

What makes a creature like you, like me, to want?

To crave intimacy so bad it shakes us both wet.

Dripping in sin with pure martyrdom and grace.

I want your shape in mine, feeding on our prize.

A whole damned person, a whole damned soul.

Fucking disgraces, fucking cowards in the light.

Rend us like the hogs for slaughter we are.

Let us all drown in your pallid urge.