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I would give anything for a cut scene of Richie reuniting with Eddie in heaven..but for now have this
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Stephen: Tony is late. Again.
Peter: How did this happen? I called him at 8 in the morning and pretended it was 10.
Pepper: I printed up a fake schedule for him saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.
Happy: I told FRIDAY to wake him up at 6 and tell him it was 11.
Harley: I set his clock to say PM when it’s really AM.
Stephen: Oh no. We might have overdone it this time.
Tony: *bursts into the room panting*
Tony: W H A T FUCKING TIME IS IT?!
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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: “Is there a problem officer?”
Cop: “You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?”
John: “ahhhh, why don’t I spare you the trouble, officer? I don’t have a license, so I shouldn’t be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk”
Cop: “Holy shit!”
The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.
Chief: “Sir, may I see your license?”
John: “Sure”
John had his license
Chief: “May I see the vehicle’s owner registration?”
John: “Sure”
It was his car
Chief: “Could you open your glove box?”
John: “Sure”
There were no weapons
Chief: “Could you pop open your trunk?”
John: “Be my guest”
There were no bodies in the trunk
Chief: “Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner’s dead body in the trunk”
John: “Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding”
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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
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