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radiation-run · 2 months

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i’m not running from you

G // 7x04/7x05 spec // unrequited feelings (so Buck thinks anyway)

This turned into a character study almost so pls enjoy (also, i love the idea of pathetic (affectionate), oblivious Eddie so bone apple teeth)

Buck isn’t expecting anyone at his door at 9 at night on a Tuesday, least of all the man now standing across his threshold. When he heard a sharp knock, his mind first went to Maddie, but he’d just left her place earlier and he couldn’t think of any reason why she would show up a few hours after seeing him. Then he thought maybe his downstairs neighbor who likes to complain to him about noise even though he’s rarely home was there to bitch at him again. He certainly did not think that when he opened his door, he’d find Eddie standing across from him.

Not that Eddie doesn’t visit him often, it’s just that… Buck may or may not have gotten unnecessarily aggressive on the basketball court last week and Eddie may or may not have been on the receiving end of said aggression.

He’d gone to Maddie’s earlier to talk to her about this enveloping, consuming jealousy he felt whenever he saw Tommy and Eddie together, and how he could not for the life of him figure out where it came from. A long conversation over brunch that abruptly ended when Howie “loud mouth” Han got home elucidated a few things. First that his abandonment issues were most definitely rearing their ugly head, but that past that, there may be something other than jealousy under there. Something closer to envy.

See, Buck wasn’t afraid that he would lose something to someone, or feel threatened, which he’d learned from Maddie was what jealousy actually meant. He realized he wanted what Tommy seemed to have - this flirty side of Eddie that Buck had never seen before. Because that’s what envy is apparently; a “painful feeling of wanting what someone else has”.

Anyway, when Buck realized he was envious, that opened a whole new door in his mind that he hadn’t even realized was there. Like in the attic of his brain, there was a hallway of rooms leading to one idiosyncrasy after another, and at the very end, past what the dim light could reach, was a door covered by boxes and boards that he forgot about a long time ago. Now that the light is shining inside, Buck is terrified. He’s terrified because not only is he envious of Tommy, he’s also a little envious of Eddie, too. He doesn’t want Tommy, not anymore anyway. It was actually an initial crush on him that really ended up being a catalyst for him to figure everything else out.

No, he’s envious of Eddie because something about the way that he seems to be able to be flirty and light and open with a man twists something in his gut. A little gremlin from that dark, forgotten room saying remember me, notice me, acknowledge me.

This all leads him to now, standing in his doorway with Eddie on the other side, a mix of contempt and wariness etched into his features. Buck silently moves to the side to allow him entry and Eddie steps past him and into the kitchen. He idly taps his fingers on the island countertop a few times as Buck slowly closes the door and turns to face him, a swell of nervous energy threatening to choke him.

“Eddie-”

“What has been going on with you, man?” Eddie interrupts him almost immediately, arms thrown out in frustration before crossing over his chest. “You invited me to play ball with you and then acted like you hated me when I showed up. Now we’ve barely talked in days.”

“I invited you,” Buck stresses, though the fight isn’t in him anymore. All that’s left are the nerves he’s carried since that damn attic door was opened and a bone-deep exhaustion over the intense self-reflection he’s gone through over the past week.

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

Buck sighs, hinging his neck so his head falls back, eyes cast to the ceiling, as the breath makes an audible sound past his lips. How is he supposed to tell Eddie any of this? How is he supposed to explain well, see, you and Tommy were being all flirty and I realized I really wanted you to be flirty with me and then I realized I kind of wanted to be flirty with a man, and wait, that makes me gay doesn’t it? But I’m still attracted to women so that’s bi, right? Or would it be something else? Wait, holy fuck, I’m not straight? Why am I just realizing this at 30-years-old? Wait, do I have feelings for Eddie?

He still doesn’t have answers to most of these questions.

He must stay silent for too long because Eddie steps closer, the sound of his footfall breaking the trance Buck had found himself in. He looks back down, eyes focusing on Eddie to see concern now written across his face.

“Buck,” he’s softer now, “what’s going on?”

Buck steps around him and sits in one of the stools, folding his arms in front of him and dropping his head to rest atop them. Eddie, to his credit, gives him a moment to collect himself, because even though he is upset, he is still Buck’s best friend and he’s gonna be patient with him.

“I’m sorry.” The words come out muffled between his arms. “I don’t really have an excuse.”

“Okay, but you have a reason,” Eddie prods, rounding the island to stand across from where Buck is sitting and leaning forward on his forearms to get level with him, “talk to me, Buck.”

Buck raises his head and finds Eddie only a foot or so away and his brain short circuits for a moment, his eyes wandering around his face. He hasn’t shaved in a couple days so his stubble is grown out and why does that do something to Buck now? Was this feeling always there?

“Were you jealous?” Buck’s eyes snap up to meet Eddie’s once more, thrown a little off-kilter by the question.

“What?”

“That’s what it seems like,” Eddie unfolds his hands, holding them out as if asking for a better explanation. Buck doesn’t know how to give him one.

“No.” Buck answers truthfully, but he says the word slowly as if he is questioning whether he believes himself. Eddie can tell, of course he can. He huffs out a little breath, of amusement or frustration or disbelief, Buck doesn’t know, but he does stand up again with a small smile on his face.

“You’re my best friend,” he says resolutely, no room for question in his statement. “Nothing is gonna change that.”

“I know.”

“Then what is all this?”

He looks away, instead fixing his gaze on the cabinets behind Eddie’s head. He doesn’t feel ashamed, necessarily. Or well, maybe he does a little bit over how he acted, but the reason for his actions doesn’t bring shame to him. If he is queer in some way, that’s not a bad thing, he knows that. But for some reason the idea of admitting it, of saying it loud, feels monumental. Like a humongous secret he can’t take back. A bell he can’t unring. And if he says it, if he says I think I may be queer, Eddie’s going to support him, he knows that too. He knows that Eddie will have his back no matter what, hell or high water, gay or straight, feelings or not. He’s just a little bit afraid that if he speaks those words, it will shift something that he won’t know how to handle, and there may be a teeny tiny part of him that is worried Eddie will react badly. It’s irrational, there’s absolutely no basis for it, but it’s there and he almost feels more anxious over having the fear than the fear itself.

“I-I,” he swallows, his tongue sandpaper in his mouth. He still doesn’t look at Eddie, and he rings the bell.“I’ve been thinking that I may be bi, or queer, or… something:”

The silence that follows his admission probably only lasts a few moments, but to Buck it may as well be an hour. He can’t bring himself to look away from the wall because that small, irrational part of his brain is screaming at him you’ve given him another reason to leave.

“Buck, look at me.” Eddie’s voice is quiet, so quiet, and belies nothing of how he feels. “Evan.”

Buck resolutely keeps his eyes fixed while he inhales deeply, letting the air out in a measured breath, and then he does it one more time before finally tearing his eyes away to meet Eddie’s gaze. What he finds there definitely isn’t disgust or rejection, and it isn’t even confusion or annoyance, but instead unwavering love and fondness that steals Buck’s breath.

“There is nothing you can tell me that will make me care about you any less.” Eddie doesn’t hesitate even a little in laying his hand across Buck’s arm, grip sure and firm. “And this? I’m so grateful you shared it with me, and I’m so proud of you.”

Buck’s throat clicks as he tries to swallow, a fractured breath slipping past his lips at Eddie’s declaration. Is it really this easy?

The silence drags on, and this time it doesn’t feel like Buck is suffocating on it. It doesn’t feel like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop on his relationship with Eddie because he dared to look a little too closely at how he was feeling. Though, he realizes now that his coming out (oh my god that’s what I just did) doesn’t exactly explain everything; it doesn’t explain-

“Why were you so upset at me though?” This time, the question doesn’t sound accusatory or angry, merely curious, and Buck can do curious. He can handle curious, though Eddie’s hand is still on his arm and his brain is working at half capacity at the moment so he can’t be held responsible for what comes out of his mouth.

“Because… because you clicked.”

Eddie’s face goes through a frankly adorable sequence of expressions before landing back on confused and he finally severs the contact between them, his hand coming up to scratch at his chin.

“I gotta say, I’m usually with you but I’m not getting this one, man.”

Buck sighs as he slips off the stool, his limbs sluggish and loose and he’s so exhausted. He stands behind the stool he was just in and fiddles with the leather binding of the upholstery as he speaks.

“You and Tommy,” he mumbles, “you all clicked and it looked so easy and free and you all were flirty and-”

“Flirty?” Eddie interrupts him, eyebrows shooting up in surprise and head cocking to the side. “What do you mean flirty?”

“Eddie,” Buck deadpans, head dropping as he looks up at him incredulously. “That man has been wooing you since you met and you all have this easy back-and-forth, and I think part of me was envious seeing you getting to have that with a man.”

He does not mention the other part.

Eddie, meanwhile, still looks a little shell-shocked at the ‘flirty’ comment, but he takes it in stride, head nodding slowly.

“And that made you realize-”

“That I’m… not straight. Yeah.”

Eddie comes around the island to face Buck again. He inhales deeply, just looking at him for a moment. His eyes roam Buck’s face, surely noting the fatigue and the anxiety that have made their home in the creases in his forehead and the bags under his eyes. Finally, he reaches up and gently drops his hand on Buck’s shoulder. The spot where it’s been a few times before, where his palm cups the joint and his thumb rests just barely grazing his neck. He shivers at the contact, or maybe the intensity of Eddie’s gaze, or maybe because he’s tired and it’s late and he wants to forget about his giant crush for a while. Regardless, his breath stutters to a stop in his chest as Eddie speaks.

“No friendship I have with anyone else will compare to this, to us,” he motions between them with his other hand, “and you’ve got to know by now that I love you, to the core, and that includes every part of who you are.”

Buck just nods, the I love you beating wildly into his chest and making a home somewhere dangerously close to his heart. He knows Eddie loves him, has known it, but not like that. Not how he wants.

“And if you act how you did last week ever again,” Eddie’s still speaking, and he raises his hand again, this time to point squarely at Buck, “then we might have issues.”

He’s grinning, fondness seeping out of him, so Buck knows he’s teasing. Still, he plays into it.

“We might just need to go for the title.”

“Yeah,” Eddie’s eyes glint, his bright smile taking over his whole face, “maybe.”

Buck is fucked.

#i love this so much 🥹#your work is always 💯💯💯#911 fic #911 spoilers

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