radio-tape

[radio-tape]

"There’s something so loose and alive in them,

like first impressions from your heart."

[radio-tape]

"dalam tidur, aku menghitung, ketika terbangun, hitunganku berhenti padamu

dalam bosan, aku membaca, ketika tercerah, kalimat terakhir itu tentang dirimu

dalam mabuk, aku mengkhayal, ketika tersadar, apakah dirimu nyata?

berputar-putar dalam ragu

aku dalam tanya, engkau dalam jawabannya"

— excerpt from "Persona", in "Menyelamimu"

[radio-tape]

"The point is, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and proximity makes the heart want to barf."

[radio-tape]

woke up to a phone call, "halo? posisi?" said the person from the other end.

didn't need to second-guess who was it even without checking the caller id.

"hmm?" a yawn. "di kosan, kenapa?" i replied with a total raspy voice, still disoriented from my sweet short nap i much needed.

"nin? heh baru bangun tidur lu ya?! si [insert another friend's name] udah depan kosan. cek gih"

"oh? iya. bentar. ketiduran aku. thank you ya udah dikabarin"

"yoooo"

and a chuckle.

call ended. i picked up my friend.

now i'm staring at the ceiling.

the damn ceiling.

and i thought,

since when a call becomes so effortless, as it should be?

[radio-tape]

"Is this night a failure because it will end in an hour? Is the sun a failure because it’s going to end in a billion years? No, it’s the fucking sun."

[radio-tape]

selanjutnya siapa?

[radio-tape]

collection of joyful memories have the power to break us apart too, apparently

[radio-tape]

comfort silences, ...

brushing hands, shared laugh, complete halfway jokes

[radio-tape]

brushing hands, shared laugh, complete halfway jokes

[radio-tape]

"It only takes a single night of frost to kill off a generation. To live, then, is a matter of time, of timing."

[radio-tape]

on behalf of you, i'll learn to be happy.

you should too.

[radio-tape]

the three words almost slipped out of my tongue,

again.

[radio-tape]

i can't stress this enough: human is a selfish creature. when we lose someone (either forever or temporarily or until indefinite time), whom we're grieving for?

it's ourself.

the agonizing pain is on us. we're not grieving for the one who walks away, because the first thought that passes by would likely:

how could i continue the path of life without you?

see? see the subject? it's always been I, and I, and I. such a paradox but not really? we need others (social) who could benefit us (individual).

if transactional, by any means, is not the word then what do you think?

[radio-tape]

it's him or no one

[radio-tape]

i chose you, choose you, have always chosen you.

this is a conscious, deliberate decision; not merely because the night falls, not merely because we're apart. the child in me want to hold you as long and as dearly as possible.

"It takes everything in me not to call you. And I wish I could run to you."

to you, is an aligned vision; to me is the warmth of brushing hands. if the longing was too much, i hope it radiates to you.

[radio-tape]

You are liked by many; i'm a passenger looking at you from the rear-view mirror.

Stealing glances,

and attention.

The sole reason why i laugh most of the time, if not always.

[radio-tape]

"Because relationships don't always end because the flame fizzles out. Sometimes they end for other reasons, and those other reasons don't necessitate a change of heart."