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raege25 · 2 years ago

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09/28/23

I made my therapist cry today, talking about how little you cared for me, how much you mislead me, how little I mattered.

She told me she was sorry about it all. How clearly I fought for you. How clearly I chose you and loved you and did all I could.

She praised me for how I communicate and how I handle myself. She pushed me to choose myself and to be careful about letting it all be too much.

I haven’t felt this relieved in so long. To hear I did all I could, to be told it’s not selfish to choose to survive.

I don’t choose you anymore. I can’t for my own survival.

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raege25 · 2 years ago

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09/29/23

Hello there (general Kenobi) it’s me again. But today instead of sad I’m just mad! But hey that’s what half(?) was through grief?

DABDA —> oops not good at math I guess.

Grief is what this is though. I grieve for what you were suppose to be, for what you could be. I grieve for choices I made and time I wasted. Because it was a waste. 5 years of begging to be seen as a person, instead all you did was reenforce the notion that I am in-fact worthless. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this, it’s my whole childhood. But it’s great for you because if I’m worthless you get to keep getting away with it! Lucky guy!!

I was a fool to think likely myself was selfish, but that’s your impact on me. But in other’s eyes I’m great!

I saw mother Anne today and to hear her admiration of me was so gut wrenching cause it is what I deserve.

I honestly can’t remember a time where you treated me with admiration. I have begged for it and was lucky to get a mediocre generic compliment.

I will live a fantastic life, filled with pretty places, witty banter and large friends. All you had to do was come along.

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raege25 · 2 years ago

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10/02(03)/23

Sorry this one’s gonna be hard on you…

I’m so emotional over a boy being nice to me, allowing me to be anxious get calming it down in me, for remembering details, for the fact I was like “man it would be nice of him to bring coffee but I can’t ask that of him” only for him to text 10 min later he’s stopping and what’s my order (no lactose right?)

This was my stances for you and I’m so emotional to watch someone doing it all with out me even suggesting anything. I’m so sad it’s not you jijum.

You’ll be vindicated in knowing the whole time I missed you. How you just understood me, your lack of self confidence comes off as being humble the same way your indifference to me as off as faith in me.

Cleo swatted and hissed, your daughter.

I hate that I miss you. I hate that I’m excited to see you too because I know I would be here when you got home. And I hate that.

I wish I was brave.

It was a good call back to reality how little you heard what I’ve said all these years. I was never sad for what I felt for you. I knew from the start you were a jijum. I knew you were my home and I was absolutely fucked. Because I could only hope you’d eventually feel the same way about me. Sometimes I worry I will regret not trying harder.

But really how much harder could I try?

I’m mad and so absolutely gutted that you couldn’t open the notes app for me. Because really truly that’s what it boils down to; you could not be bother to put in any effort, no matter how small, to make me feel I mattered. I’m disgusted I let you get away with it.

I hope you tell people the truth of why we didn’t work out. You owe me that at least.

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raege25 · 2 years ago

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10/05/23

I cleaned and packed today. I’ve have been putting it off for a week. I don’t want to go is the truth, and we both know that. But I will be brave because it’s for the best.

I didn’t know how to make you understand what I needed, because the things I begged you for I would have done with out thinking twice.

Financial stress is huge to me and if roles were reversed I would have never thought twice about anything. It’s wild to me you didn’t even think of getting Megan a gesture of thanks for all she did for your grandpa, she deserves better than that. It’s so wild to me.

And I don’t know how to teach you other people should matter how as your family we should be soooo high on the list. I just hope you realize it next time you date someone.

I am invested to know how hearing Arron’s side of things (which is similar to my side) and how you could understand my side better. I just don’t know how to be heard.

I haven’t done anything in two days. This depression hits so different than usual. So apathetic.

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raege25 · 2 years ago

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10/06/23

I forgot how cathartic it is to move. How I lose a little part of me as I decided what to bring and what to leave. And how I regain who I am as I stop trying to be someone you want. I’m so excited to be me again and to do it solely for me.

I get to look through all the little Knick knacks you never wanted displayed, god forbid they ruin the aesthetic of blue on grey.

I love moving and I’m so excited about it. Growing up all over again. I think you’ll realize how much of me you never appreciated, much less praised. I’m having a lot of fun remembering who I am.

I am devastated to lose the ladies, and I wish you would’ve offered to go home so I could stay with them. But then I would’ve never gotten to enjoy the cathartic experience of learning who I am.

I’m sorry things will be hard for you but in all honesty I’m nothing but excited to be able to be selfish and be me again. I really love who I am, and was miserable trying to be something you think you wanted.

Did we do it jijum? Did we actually make it through all the grief stages?

Welcome to acceptance, it’s a warm spring day.

Ps; you’ll get there too. I have faith in you always.

Love Rae

#jake

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raege25 · 2 years ago

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I missed him.

I don’t say that in a metaphorical yearning way,

Not in a way where my soul is missing a piece of it,

Not in a way where I don’t know what he’s doing, where he is, how he is.