raesyourweapon

[raesyourweapon]

I get scared when things are good. I know what it is like to lose it all again.

[raesyourweapon]

“At any given point you have the power to say, this is not how the story is going to end.”

— Unknown

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i wonder if she felt it too

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I just want a hug

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I’m trying to be less volatile

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I told you, I wasn't fucking ready

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[raesyourweapon]

i thought it was hard, i knew nothing

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"it gets better" - but i've been this way since i was a child.

[raesyourweapon]

tonight i stood in the beer aisle of the grocery store. do i buy NA beer? real beer? both and decide when i get home?

i decided both. i grabbed one of my fav NA’s and then started picking out the highest proof trash i could. do i really want to do this? i have almost 5 days back. fuck. it’s only 5 days. but it’s the most i’ve had in a little bit. why is it so hard this time? what am i fucking doing? what if i just wait until tomorrow?

i decided to wait. i put the 11% abv mango hell shit i had in my hand back. i walked away. the weight on my chest fell away. i could breathe. i guess that’s what they mean about just keeping it in the day. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. i might go back for that mango hell shit and whatever else calls to me. maybe i won’t.

but tonight - taco bell, dunkaroos, cheese, reese’s cups, and seltzer are keeping me under control. that’s some of the trash i got while out i got instead. i got the NA’s too - those help when i’m desperate. oh and i got some treats for my cat too. he gets extra treats when i get treats. it’s only fair.

made it through another day. by some sort of freaking magic. it felt like magic at the store. i didn’t feel like i made that choice by myself. the people in the rooms would say god helped me. gross. my higher power is currently just them, and i guess the universe / energy / connection / love / idfk. it’s a work in progress. all of that helped me i guess.

today was a day. but i’m grateful for it. i’ll try to post more while riding the different waves and not just the meltdown ones. it’s a fucking rollercoaster right now. i feel insane 90% of the time. but right now, i’m ok - i think.

[raesyourweapon]

[raesyourweapon]

A path is made by walking on it.

-Chuang Tzu

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"I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself."

– Franz Kafka

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JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

[raesyourweapon]