rai-shu

[rai-shu]

Now that it’s my turn to do all the stuff like paying for the embassy fees at the AXS machine or going to the tuberculosis place I remember following you around settling all of that

[rai-shu]

aiyo if your image is cool responsible leader of frat obviously the girls who want you are going to expect you to be cool older guy right

I didn’t make the emt team, they picked people who panicked over me lmao

Also last night when I tried kiss dealer all she said was grow up. It’s not the same anymore

[rai-shu]

Uh if you saw that I tried to call you a few times last night SORRY I WAS DRUNK

[rai-shu]

i felt like you should know john mulaney is hilarious and i hope you’ll like his jokes as much as i do

[rai-shu]

13 April, 2017

[rai-shu]

[rai-shu]

210318

I’m exhausted and want to go home, but my friends are begging me to go meet them at Stickies, and then I remember 365 days ago knocking back 6 jagerbombs there and meeting you —

So I go. For old times sake.

[rai-shu]

[rai-shu]

140318

So there’s this scene in Titanic, when he tells her to get on a lifeboat and she crawls in, and all the while they’re looking at each other, and there’s this sense that maybe, maybe this will be the last time they will ever see each other again -- and then she launches herself off the boat and runs, and he runs, and they are pushing past people until they crash into each other --

There is nobody else, Rai, I could ever imagine doing that with. Feeling those feelings for. It has always been you. 

[rai-shu]

Also it says your present got delivered so pls go check

[rai-shu]

090318

everyone says, of course things were great and magical and wonderful! of course the first six months were amazing. that’s what it’s like for everybody.

my head says, yeah, yeah, true, i know--

but that’s just my head.

[rai-shu]

030318

I got into Chapman. Thought you should know.

[rai-shu]

280218

Today I turned down a perfectly nice boy because I didn’t like him. And after all the shit that’s happened, I knew jumping into that wouldn’t end well. So I said no, even when a small panicked voice inside me freaked out about being alone and abandoned. And I am still alone, I guess.

At therapy we talked about it. Did I like any of these boys in my life, asked my therapist, and I said I didn’t know. They were nice, I suppose. How do you know when you like someone?

And then I thought back on all the boys I had kept around for the wrong reasons — out of fear, out of temporary convenience, out of a certain blind hope that my feelings would increase, out of need...... and then there was you. The boy I wanted just because I wanted him. The boy I loved just because I loved him. I was happy, then.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way about you, or anyone else, again. I don’t know if it’s stupid of me to want to wait for that feeling to strike me again before dating someone. I don’t know if it’s stupid of me to not wait and settle for something less.

But for now, at least, I want to try waiting. So, thank you for letting me know what it was like to want to be with someone for the purest of desires. Thank you for inspiring me not to want to settle for anything else.

Before everything went south — I was really, truly, happy. Even when you weren’t being that great to me. Even when I had to crawl out of bed three or four nights a week and kiss you, asleep, on the cheek and go downstairs and home alone in the dark. Even when you only wanted to game. I was happy because it was you.

I wish I never lost that feeling.

I am very proud of you, by the way. I hope you’re doing great.

[rai-shu]

240218

Today I walked to the 7-11 near SMU, the one beside the hotel you stayed in, and I stopped dead and thought of you for few minutes. That is all.

[rai-shu]

sat down to write and realised i don’t have the words for the goodbye letter yet

[rai-shu]

181117

Sweetie, sweetheart, sayang,

Those three words will always belong to you.

I’m sorry for ghosting you, Rai, but what else is there to say? We both made our own beds, and now we have to lie in them. There are no takebacks in this world. 

A while back, I made this post. And I know you won’t understand the Chinese quote, so I’ll translate it for you now: 

于是你选择了自己的方式—— 直接交出你的心。很直接，却最容易受到伤害。你在赌，如果他爱你，他不会忍心伤害你，如果他伤害你，他就不再爱你。

So you chose your own way of doing things — you handed your heart over to him. Straightforward, but also the easiest way of getting hurt. Like this, you made a gamble: if he loved you, he would not bear to hurt you; if he hurt you, then he no longer loved you.

In another part of the book, it says: 

“When will I know to give up?”

“When the time comes, you will know. When a relationship brings you more pain and torture than the love you have for him, you will know that your one-sided effort is already meaningless.”

Rai, I have loved you above everything in this world. But towards the end I began to realise that I had to learn to love myself, too. And that meant walking away from you. Because sweetie, I know you regret your mistake, but I spent the last few months feeling like I was worth nothing to you. I know there isn’t really a point saying this now, but it really fucking sucks to feel like you are an afterthought of the person you love most in the entire world. 

Rai, you asked me, “If you love me, how could you hurt me like this?”

I didn’t have an answer then. I don’t have an answer now.

All I know is I chose you over and over again, every step of the way, and you didn’t. You chose yourself, and your fun, and your new life. And now you’re sorry, but I’ve just reached the point where... I don’t know. I realised that I have to starting choosing myself. 

We both made a choice that night. You want to take yours back. But I owe it to myself and everyone involved to respect the decision I made, and to see it through.

Of course I still love you. And none of this was meant to hurt you, even if it feels like it. I’m sorry your pain is a side effect of my actions. And I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from it. I’m sorry for not being strong enough to keep holding on throughout, and also not strong enough to completely let go.

Raihann, sweetie, on our last day at the airport, I held your hand and cried and said, “What if I don’t ever get to do this again?”

Just thinking about it now is making me cry again. I think I knew already, then. 

Thank you for existing. Thank you for every single giggle. Thank you for every stupid comment and dumb joke. Thank you for not being able to tell lip balm and glue stick apart. Thank you for always agreeing to play 5 10 with me. Thank you for the cuddle breaks. Thank you for the zoo date, and the lion. Thank you for the beautiful birthday surprise, and the necklace. Thank you for coming to my poetry events. Thank you for the random calls. Thank you for showing me the APES video. Thank you for the Tetris games. Thank you for always being the one to go and buy drinks when we eat at coffee shops. Thank you for the carries. Thank you for always being willing to play stupid games with me. Thank you for the kiss dealer. Thank you for the time you piggybacked me in Phuket and ran. Thank you for showing me Impractical Jokers. Thank you for giving me your address that night and caving and coming down. Thank you for picking me up from the airport after I came back from New York. Thank you for teaching me that I am capable of so, so, so, so much love. 

...fuck, Rai, you’re not my first love. But you will always be the love that made all other loves seem like dust in comparison. I will never love again like I love(d) you... and maybe that’s a good thing.

Somewhere out there is a parallel universe where we are back in your room and I come up behind you while you’re in your chair and I put my arms around your neck and kiss your cheek and you smile that dumb tiny smile.

Always, always, always gonna be my baby x

Take care of yourself ‘cause I can’t do it anymore. 

[rai-shu]

031117

Tonight I miss you extra.

Just tonight, with Hai Li and John and Peng and Jas……..

That’s all.

I just miss you a little bit tonight.

That’s all.